Week 27/Day 7: Ponderings for the Next Year

Hello all. I know. I'm sure you've all been absolutely as busy as I've been the past four weeks and will fully understand why I was MIA on this blog. It seemed I did a great deal in the intervening weeks. I decorated for Christmas, did the shopping I'd left undone all year long, fretted over ways and means and was delighted to realize that (a) God would and did provide and that (b) what I couldn't afford wasn't necessarily the best gift I could give anyway. I cooked, cleaned, travelled (Kay had a number of doctor appointments and we had many days of errands, services, and shopping tossed in for good measure), worked and worked and worked and enjoyed a few Christmas parties.

My husband's work party this year was exceptionally pleasant. Usually we gather at a local pizza place. It's always a nice gathering but in a public place with booths it's hard to get in a nice group. This year his boss decided to have the party in his home, the tables were set up in one room and the whole things went off very nicely. So nicely that his boss eventually told us all to go home!lol.

Just for the record, our family get together at my mom's was by far one of the best we've had in years. It made up in gold for the way our Thanksgiving Day went down. My sweet husband was actually able to attend that gathering with me for a change. It's seldom that he is included in my family gatherings because my mother seldom plans them around his off weeks. However, my son got in on the planning this time and made sure the dates coincided with his dad's off week. I'm not sure my husband was thrilled, lol, but I was deeply happy to have him there. I often feel very much as though I have a fictitious husband when we're with my family.

We've had a lot of rain this month as well, probably as much rain altogether as our midwestern friends and family have had snow this past week. The ground is sodden and squishy still. It runs in the ditches as it hasn't for years and years. The river is high and has stayed so for nearly 6 weeks now.

A bit of personal family news: My husband was offered Worship leader position at our synagogue and accepted after he went into prayer. This is the most wonderful news as it confirms our decision to trust God to position him to move ahead in his music career as well our faith that we were moving into the very place where God wanted us.

The past month has not been all about parties and work and rain however. I finished my annual review. I had a lovely Christmas Day, though I admit to having a rather blah feeling about it all right up until Christmas Eve. I've had a couple of days alone to really ponder and think about the year ahead and plan my goals for the month. I'm excited over some of the creative ideas I've had in the past two days as well. I guess I just needed the quiet spaces to hear my creative voice once more.

It also occurred to in the past couple of days that we aren't just starting a new year, we're starting a new decade. I would love to look a bit further ahead into my future and see where I'll be at this time in 2019. Just a sneak peek, you know? But I will tell you, if offered the opportunity it's unlikely I'd look. I never can read the last chapter or page of a book to see how it comes out. How could I do that for my life? It would spoil all the fun of the surprises ahead wouldn't it?

So while I have this stretch of alone time, I'd like to start sharing a few of my goals for the coming month:

#1 I have a new Bible study plotted out. A couple of years ago I decided to study the names of God so I could learn more about who He was. It was a good study but I felt I learned only the tip of the whole of Him. I found a new book that includes more scripture and questions to work on at the end of each chapter. I thought I'd like to go back and read the other two books as well as the new one, to view different translations of the Bible etc. I mean to go more in depth this time.

As it happens I had a wonderful revelation of a side of Christ I've never had before. At the beginning of the month as I sat in synagogue I wrote out a quick list of all that Yeshua is to me. It wasn't by any means comprehensive but just a quick run through: Counselor, Confidant, Savior, Lamb of God, etc. It gave me a nice bit of food for thought. The last service we attended I was so moved by the music and began to pray about my blase state of late. I knew part of the problem was that I'd lost that deep personal side of my spiritual life.

I don't know about you, but just as I can disconnect from my husband at times, due to being busy and tired, I also disconnect from God. This particular Saturday, I suddenly had a vision of Jesus gathering me in his arms and showering kisses all over my face. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I felt myself yearning for him. I was a bit surprised by the vision because I'd never thought of Jesus Lover of my Soul, but that it what the experience was reminiscent of, a passionate yearning for Him, wanting to be as near as I could get to Him once more. It was not sexual but it was definitely full of longing and desire on my part to meet His desire for me to draw near...It was a wonderful revelation. To feel that he longed for me to return to Him as much as I longed to return...I was overwhelmed with that vision of His love for me.

That revelation has made me even more determined to follow this study for the beginning of the year.

I also plan to begin reading the Bible through once more. I am very close to finishing this year's reading of the Bible. The next reading will follow a chronological pattern, so that the whole falls into the actual time line as I read.

#2 I have had a strong tendency to speak for my children and my husband, often interfering in their natural relationship with one another and others and irritating all mightily. It isn't done maliciously but more and more I see it as an act of arrogance, as though I know better than they what they should be saying and when, need intervention in their relationships with one another, are unable to handle their own affairs. I am working hard to curb that tendency. That same revelatory Saturday at synagogue pointed up this fact. I came very near speaking on my husband's behalf to someone. I listened to the inner urging to keep my tongue still and I'm so happy I did, because the way things worked out I'd have been completely off base and out of line! Frankly it saved a world of hurt and hard feelings. With his new position as Worship leader it is vital that I keep still and let him do this in his way, working through prayer to handle it as he feels is best. I'll need prayers for me on this one dears, and will deeply appreciate it if you'll remember me.

#3 We did very well over the holiday period but it's time to get strict once more about our finances. I'll be returning to my pre-holiday budget of $115 per week for our grocery, personal and household needs. Honestly if I can bring it lower I will, but I feel it will be challenge enough at first to get back to this limit.

As well, we allocated a portion of our income from savings to our checking for the past three months while my husband has been on shortened pay due to his accumulation of holidays and vacations. It isn't a great sum but it made up the difference in the naturally built in overtime hours he would receive when working. Now that he's back to regular hours at the beginning of the year, I want to make sure that portion is once more allotted to our savings account.

Another desire this year is to save $10/week towards next year's Christmas expenses. I have truly had good intentions about finishing Christmas shopping by the end of October but for years now it hasn't happened. We get hit heavily by birthdays in February and again for an 8 week period starting at the end of May and running through mid-July. By the time we hit that second wave of birthdays I am so offtrack it's impossible to catch up. With my husband now planning to take off for the full month of October and several days in both November and December of each year, the money suddenly dwindles about the time I'm ready to pull up my bootstraps and go at the shopping once more. And I've discovered that the man actually LIKES to shop for Christmas gifts! Who knew?

So with all that in mind, it seems that if I can at least put aside a set amount each week we should be able to fairly well manage our shopping in those long weeks he's out of work. $10/week will more than cover what we'd normally spend and give us a little wiggle room for mailing packages to the Grands as well, which by the way, took a nice chunk of money this year! As well $10/week is just a matter of scraping together loose change and going without a couple of sodas or a bunch of flowers. I can do that easily!

#4 Time to get back on track with my housekeeping. This past year has been abysmal as far as cleaning went. Between taking care of sick folks and running hither and yon to doctors and such, I truly never finished a single deep clean of any room. I will once more revert to Fly lady's cleaning plan which will allow me to focus fully on one room a week. I may not do all the deep cleaning in that week, but when the next week rolls around the following month, I should be able to tackle still more of the required tasks. I figure that means each room should be well and truly cleaned at least once a quarter, a far better record than this year. I do very well with the routine stuff so no need to sign up for a course of reminders. I just need to focus on one area each week to get the house fully back in shape once more.

#5 I have all sorts of ideas for the Penny Ann blog. I won't share what all I hope to implement in the coming year, but I'm really excited about the thoughts that have come across to me this past weekend. I've been busy jotting down notes. Penny Ann is a work in constant process of being changed. I can't wait to see how the ideas work out.

#6 UFO's abound in my home. Unfinished Objects, areas, crafts, etc. I plan to tackle at least one UFO a week in the coming month. Some are going to require more work than others and some simply require that I stop putting them off. I want this year to be the year I finally achieve a completion of every started project. Then I can get away from the distractions they cause and move forward.

Notice what I am not putting down as a goal. For the first time in nearly 40 years I am not making it a goal to lose weight, diet, eat right or exercise. I am so sick of having that around my neck weighing me down. I'm hopeful that this year, I finally get around to just enjoying my life and stop feeling guilty about food and what others must think of me. I figure if I focus on the areas of my life that are important to me, rather than the one that the world at large tells me I should, I'll be a great deal happier.

I'll end here, as it's getting time for my husband to come in from work. I will do my best to post at least weekly now the holidays are over.

Week 23 Day 4 Working My Way Back to Thankfulness

Well...I've had an odd Thanksgiving. Not the tv variety family day at all, but then I didn't expect that exactly. So why do I feel so let down and a little hurt and very much as though I were all alone?

I wanted this day to be something more. But here we have it. It's Thanksgiving and the day I've had is the day I've had. Which carries me full throttle back to one of my goals for this month: Enjoy myself for the holidays.

I am proud I managed to do two things anyway. Mama not only asked me to bring desserts (pumpkin pie and Red Velvet Cake) she also told me how she wanted me to make them. She'd found a new recipe for a pumpkin pie and insisted I should use it to make 'her' pie as she referred to it. And I did. Because she asked me to. And she wanted Red Velvet Cake Cupcakes. I balked on that only after two things happened: I found I had only 14 cupcake liners...and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could manage to transport 2 dozen cupcakes with a soft cream cheese frosting (also her request). So with her permission it became a sheet cake.

My husband thought it rather forward of my mom to not only tell me what to bring but how to make it. I've only been making pumpkin pies for 32 years now, after all, and nary a leftover have we ever had. "Never mind", I told him, "after all in the grand scheme of things, is it really important which recipe I use? Or whether it's cupcakes or cake? Not really, no. And for the sake of good feeling, I'll just do as she asked."

It's not about pumpkin pies or any of the other things that felt off about the day, really. It's missing my own family around me, my children and grandchildren, and missing them all and knowing that the likelihood I shall see them anytime in the future altogether in one room is slim at present.

So to right my frame of mind, I've decided to be thankful this day for what the year just past has brought. And that too may seem an odd route to take considering where I've been in the past 12 months.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work my way through forgiveness. It was tough do care for my mom on a daily basis. There's a really good reason why we agreed many years ago that 1/2 a day every two weeks was more than sufficient time together. But it was important to me to let go of some very old heartaches and grievances. And of course, when I'd prayed about it, the opportunity to work through those issues arrived in the form of a broken ankle and 7 days a week of togetherness for 5 months.

I am thankful for the storm that led to the calm. With all the illnesses and financial challenges and issues that arose this year, it seemed very much as though we were being battered at every turn by strong waves and winds and driving rain. But Thank God! He was bringing us through the storm to this time of peace and quiet.

I am thankful for seasons. It truly seems this year as though we've had no real autumn weather. Summer (which was relatively mild this year) and autumn have really just sort of blended in together. It seemed much that way in my life as well going from one trouble to another. But our life season finally changed.

Iam thankful for my home. Home is more about the atmosphere we create than where we actually live, but for me, where I live is part and parcel of home. This land we live on has deep emotional value to me. The happiest memories of my life took place on this property. For many years, I prayed for a home much like the one I now enjoy: solid, open, filled with light, with clear views of sunrise and sunsets.

I am thankful for my husband. I spent years dealing with tough situations on my own. To have someone standing by my side, cheering me on, bolstering me up when I weaken, encouraging me, caring for me, taking care of me...this is something I never want to take for granted.

I am deeply grateful for my faith. I can't name the number of times I've had to swallow back bitterness, disappointment and sorrow. Why do I hold it at bay? Because I've accepted the promise of the Bible that Faith is being sure of the things we hope for will manifest. I refuse to allow one ounce of unbelief to rob me of my future hope. I will stand strong.

And so I end this post. I will likely be back later this weekend with my December goals and inspirations.

Week 22, Day 6 Shaken, Not Stirred

I can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since I last wrote! Well that's probably more of how it will be from now until year's end, with the holidays, shopping, appointments, etc. closing in on upon us. And that's okay. I won't let my blogging be a stressor, when I consider it so beneficial. No need to make it an onus.

When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.

So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!

Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.

My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.

My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.

I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.

So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.

One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.

The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).

I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.

This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.

I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.

This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.

So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.

My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.

All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.

Week 20/Day 5 Indulge Me

I worked hard all week long this week. I did some work in my shed, managed a Big Shop (and got that pantry and freezer nearly fully restocked (yes! I managed a goal already!), reorganized and inventoried the pantries. This girl put in some hard work this week...and she wanted time to play. I worked even harder yesterday preparing meals and prepping foodstuffs for the weekend just so I could have fun time.

This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!

I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.

The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.

I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.

I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.

Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.

And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.

Week 19/Day 6: Review Time

The last day of October finds many of us with a longer than usual to do list, which stretches from here until New Year's Day. I have long added yet another item to my annual holiday list: an annual review and summing up of the year past. I'll begin that work this coming week by reading my list of goals for last year, my journal entries and blog posts. It might seem onerous to some, but I usually use my downtime in the evenings to do this review work. It's a way of forcing myself to slow down and keep the holiday work limited to the work day hours.



Frankly this year has been a huge challenge, and I hardly need the journal or blog entries to remember where I've been. What I don't remember at all however is where I began! I don't recall what my goals were. I just know without doubt that this year has been difficult, challenging and most definitely a learning experience. Nothing has gone off as planned.



But as my husband and I discussed last night, as difficult as the year has been, we have been blessed time and again with one unexpected thing after another. It never pays to look only at the hardships in our lives. We have to continually be on the lookout for the beautiful, the unexpected, the miraculous and the wonderful.



This past month, and for three months prior, I repeatedly voiced complaints about our lack of finances for a vacation this year. I have to say now that this October ended being the most restful, peaceful, relaxing 'vacation' we've ever experienced. I am still in wonder at this. Not to say that I am willing to give up the idea of future travel during our vacation but simply that I really have been forced to admit yet another time that my idea/concept was shattered. I am very judgemental. And time and again this has proven to be an opportunity for me to learn to be more open and less rigid in my thinking.



Another interesting coversation took place this week between my husband and myself. I can't remember just how we came to this particular discussion, but we began to talk about difficult periods in our marriage whne we felt certain we might just possibly not make it. Curiously we each cited a different period and time frame. And frankly we were both surprised, neither of us having been aware at that point that the other had serious doubts/unhappiness going on.



One of my favorite conversations with my husband took place on a date when he took my hand, looked at me lovingly and asked "Soooo, how are things going in your life?" It might sound an odd opener but it took my breath away. It told me clearly that this man was attuned to that secret underlying life that exists in the minds of every individual. At that point we'd been married ten years and we were hardly shy about sharing our angsts, joys and emotions. And needless to say it opened the evening up to a wonderful time of being intimate on a whole different level.



As did this conversation earlier this week. It might well be a scary discussion to have with your partner. It definitely is not a conversation to have if you are rife with insecurities. However, this conversation did not alarm me in that sense. Instead it pointed up the fact that even after 17 years with a man, you can still not know him fully, nor can he fully know you. It's that element of mystery about each other that lends intrigue and interest.



I think also that we both realized that crisis in a marriage isn't always a 'couple' thing. It is at times personal and has little to do with the marriage and a great deal to do with unhappiness in the individual. What changed things at those two points? I can't answer for my husband. I don't know. For myself it happened to be a conversation with an outsider, someone who knew us well enough to voice an opinion. I confided to him my unhappiness and inability to see a clear path to a future if situations in our lives didn't change. He expressed such dismay and such faith in our rightness for one another that I stopped to re-examine my thoughts. He rightly pointed out that the current situation wasn't going to be 'forever'. And needless to say in six months our lives had taken another turn and we were in a better place. I've often silently thanked this friend for listening and giving me his opinion. Had he not, I might well have made a serious error in my life!



I think October has without a doubt been as difficult as any of the other months of this past year. In many ways I am so ready to be done with this year! Yet, I have to admit that the whole year has been a long and wonderful learning time. For now I'll try to review what I did manage of my October goals and lay out a few for the month to come.

October Goals:
#1 Changing my attitude about change: I am sure there's a great deal more work to be done in this area. That is usually the result of determination to change, finding that the root of the problem must be worked out in order to completely rid ourselves of the whole. That's not a bad thing, but it does sometimes become tedious. I learned this month that I need to be more open to change.

The truth is that the changes that have taken place in our lives this month have actually opened up our lives to a lot of joy, brought about a great deal of peace, and allowed us to step into an opportunity to learn a great deal.

#2 Staycation: Nothing about my husband's time off went as planned, lol! Talk about one goal leading into another, but my desire to change my attitude about change was certainly tested to the max with this decision to 'enjoy it despite it'. As I wrote earlier in this post, this vacation time was one of the most relaxing, most beneficial we've had since our vacation in the mountain cabin a couple of years ago. I astonished my husband this past week when I told him that this vacation ended being just what I needed.

#3 Grocery budget: Our pantry and freezer are lower than they've been in years. The empty spaces bother me. I started this challenge with the intention of freeing finances for other things, things that would enhance an inspired life. It's interesting that while I struggle with weight issues I also bump against the 'security' of having whole foods on hand. I grew up with a family that gardened and preserved and froze. Food storage was always a safety blanket so to speak...Well the budget is lowered but it has definitely brought forth other issues! I ended the two pay periods with a total spending of $480. I'd say overall we're eating less in many ways because we're eating single servings, getting more vegetables and fruits. I'm cooking more from scratch than ever. Often one meal prep benefits us with two meals. Had I not splurged with the deli foods, steak and pricier homemade entrees (lasagna is not a cheap dish to make!) we might well have been nearer $425 for the month, but I have no hard regrets concerning the overage.

Those were essentially the goals I made for October, purposely keeping them less detailed than in months past simply because it had been such a difficult time in September.

November goals:
#1Enjoy myself. Holidays begin this month. In the past holidays have always brought with them certain amounts of angst and family issues and a plethora of guilt. This year, I am determined to forgo that entirely. I've spent a long year dealing with family issues. I am frankly tired of family issues,lol! So why spoil my holidays with guilt over spending money I don't have on gifts that won't please, agonize over my desire to have family and friends times combined while dealing with being tugged like an old shoe between two puppies, work schedules that don't allow for the 'real' family time etc. Truly there is nothing I can change about these issues, except my attitude. (October goal revisited!). I want to just enjoy the season. I want to enjoy the shopping/the preparations for giving/ the foods we enjoy only at this time of year. Organization will help with some of the issues. Lists of gifts to be bought or made, of items needed both food and otherwise, address lists for Christmas cards, etc.

I plan to make ahead several cookie doughs and put in the freezer (after all the thing is so empty I've plenty of room! I'll go ahead and start gathering boxes and tins for cookie gifting. I'll check my decorations (which we start putting up on Thanksgiving evening) and gift wraps. Make gift tags (love the creative time this allows) and make notes about ribbons needed.

I have financial limitations and a long list of people whom I wish to gift. I will not put financial strain on myself or my family however. Now if I found it a strain to manage pantry/freezer stock on a reduced budget how can I possibly manage the holidays. I'm going to increase my budget for the next two months to $500 to allow for the food specialities we normally enjoy. I will however be looking for items on sale BEFORE the two main holiday meal weeks both months.

I am also scrapping my 'lose weight' idea. As much as I long to reduce my weight, I am going to remove that pressure for the coming two months. I will continue to try to move more, to eat whole foods and keep up my vegetable/fruit intake. I am not planning to have a 'free for all' attitude either. But since my weight has remained stable for the past several months, I see no reason to add food guilt to an otherwise foody holiday.

And most of all, I will NOT allow myself to agonize over what parts of the holiday I might miss. I can't do it all. I can only do a certain amount and I want to enjoy the parts I CAN take part in. I can't bring my family and my friends together. I have to choose one part or the other (and that choice has already been made in part, since Mama put in her bid extra early this year).

#2 Let the creative juices flow. This time frame offers a wonderful time to really let creativity flow. Gift tags, gift boxes, table arrangments, gifts, recipes, clothing...You name it and nearly every day can be a creative feast. I've always found doing crafts and decorating the house as a wonderful impetus to creative writing. I'll try to keep a list of ideas that come across my mind this month for future writings.

I also plan to take at least one of my 70-mi radius trips this month. That is in anticipation that things in my home will slow down a wee bit now...I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one! I don't know if I can mange it or not. I don't want to force it, I want it to happen naturally perhaps in combination with shopping or creative inspiration.

#3 End of year summary. This is a must and will begin tomorrow, November 1.

#4 Stock up the pantry and freezer. It goes against everything in me to have my freezer and pantry so empty. I will say that in the past I've often stocked things in bulk that we seldom would eat. I want to really have a 'do-over' and choose foods that we truly will eat, normally eat, and not so much of the things we seldom eat as I have at times in the past. We seldom eat frozen fruit, so why am I am buying it? Ditto with canned green beans. We generally eat fresh or frozen. So there's some rethinking to be done, some adjustments to make. As well I plan to try to trim the budget by creatively using those things we typically don't eat and have on hand (another opportunity to use that creative thinking mind!).

#5 Get my lists made. Timelines for mailing packages, recipients, menus, etc. I have a plethora of lists to make to help keep me organized. That too will start soon...Today!

And so I end the month of October. Not the month I planned when I started my 70 weeks of Living Inspired, but certainly an inspiring month all the same. Here's to November!

Week 19, Day 3 Whatever Bubbles Up, Bubbles Up

The subject line was actually a song that I remember from the past decade. Whatever bubbles up bubbles up. These days it seems an awful lot of my past is bubbling up. Not from a decade ago but from 20-25 years ago. A world of hurts are surfacing. Somehow as the past month has unfolded the surface was scratched a bit deeply. I've shared some deeply hurtful things with my husband, stories he's never before heard or which I brushed over and laughed off and never really revealed the depth of my fear and frustrations at the time.

This after a year and a half of working on forgiveness. And I have forgiven, truly I have. I've forgiven each person responsible for the humilations and hurts. I've forgiven them all because I couldn't have gone on otherwise. I'd never had trusted my husband after the hurts caused between my first husband and I. I'd never have had another friendship if I hadn't forgiven my friends who hurt me. I'd never have had any sort of peace if I hadn't forgiven my parents individually and together.

So why all the trauma and drama remembrances? This evening, after another round of sad and sorry stories told to my husband, I went out on the deck and I cried, only a little, but I cried all the same. And finally I realized the problem was that I'd forgiven every one except myself.

Myself. I haven't forgiven myself for being young, inexperienced, lacking in knowledge. I haven't completely forgiven myself for thinking I deserved the treatment I so willingly accepted. I haven't forgiven myself for not realizing my own value sooner. And yes, that hurts. It hurts mightily. It hurts more than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge before now.

And you know what? I think this week I'd like to put these things away once and for all. I'd like to finally let go of the hurt and forgive myself because I deserve it as much as any one else I've forgiven. No, I deserve it even more than the others. I'm sure that more of these memories will come up. I'm sure that I'll shed a few more tears over them as they surface, but that's okay, too. Pain has purpose, I wrote just days ago. In this case, the purpose is to help myself understand that it's time to forgive myself.

Week 18, Day 6 Pushing Forward

In the past week or so not a lot has changed. Nor have I apparently accomplished much beyond healing from my cold. That in and of itself however has been enough to allow my attitude to change dramatically, lol. I’ve often noticed the relation between how we physically feel (whether it’s due to stress, tiredness or illness) to how we feel mentally and emotionally. And though I personally believe we are in charge of our emotions, I’ve found that there is still a correlation between outside factors and internal ones, no matter how rigid we might attempt to be.

I do want to share that my daughter is feeling somewhat better. She has begun taking the birth control pills and after a couple of days of major migraines, she found that the dosage became easier to handle, her pain decreased a good bit and overall she began to feel somewhat better. Having the burden of that off me has helped tremendously. I will keep in mind the suggestions given about endometriosis and fibroid tumours, however.

Also in the past week, we’ve had a number of people approach us with information about a worrying situation that left us doubting our faith walk. I am happy and sad at the same time, to say that it wasn’t our faith walk that was out of whack. There were apparently any number of things going on under the surface that we weren’t aware of. We were just picking up the over charged emotional atmosphere in the situation. While it saddens me to know that so many hurts were being kept quiet by people we knew and loved it has also reassured us that we were bidden to go in the right direction through our prayers. God is so good!

My illness prevented my being in contact with Granny on a daily basis. I took lunch to her yesterday and saw her for the first time in almost three weeks. What I found was that her dementia seems to be very much increased. She has called me three times in the past week with concerns over things that she’d ‘seen’…Still she is easily reoriented and completely lucid about ¾ of the time. I was shocked however at how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight and lost height. I felt almost as though I loomed over her, where she used to be a good three or four inches taller than I. She told my son that she is shrinking and it does appear to be true.

Listening to her talk of some of the things that she sees and hears, I realize that many of them are repetitions of things she’s been telling me for years. What we passed off initially as forgetful or notions have likely been manifestations of mental decline all along. With her as strong and vital as she was though it was easy to ignore these things and just pass them off.

Ultimately this week I had a mini breakdown. Granny and I spoke Thursday morning and she was obviously upset by the increased delusions. My daughter was acting out in the manner of a 17yo. I'd tried to talk to Mama addressing Granny's delusions and got nowhere at all. Mama is the main caregiver, power of attorney,etc. Her choice at present is to do nothing at all, rather than at least lay the ground work for future care for Granny. Frustration, overload, overwhelm all hit the fan during a period of major tiredness.

What happened? I came up against one of my boundary lines. There are times in life when we simply must realize that we are not in control. I had to accept that I cannot manage all of the problems I was facing. I had to turn them over to a higher authority. I spent some time in prayer and released it all. That really was the only solution.


As the end of the year comes nearer, I find it is time once again to begin to think of the usual annual activities. Aside from the holidays to plan, buy and prepare for, there is my annual yearly review of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. This past year (beginning in December of last year) has really been a difficult one. There are a number of areas I need to address in my annual reviewing. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally there have been challenges galore. I cannot recall such a difficult year in my life in the past decade, nor even in the past two decades.

I’ll also review the goals I initially set at the beginning of the year (some people call them resolutions) and see how well I did towards reaching those goals. I know right off that in at least two areas I failed miserably. I’d like to really examine why I did so badly in those areas.

Another step I’ll take is to look at the coming year, what I hope to accomplish, make out a list of goals, and do a little wishful thinking on paper.

All of the above of course are things I hope to accomplish in November, which is in the future, another whole week away.

For an update on October's goals: I bumped hard against another area of arrogance on my part:trying to manage the relationship between two family members. I found this week that it was very necessary for me to step aside, let the two work out their own relationship with each other and stop trying to communicate what each is saying/doing/feeling. Ah yes. Determine that you will fix a character flaw and you will surely find it goes even deeper than you'd realized!

Staycation: didn't really work out the way I'd planned. It worked out even better. The money we'd intended to spend on entertainment was used to help out one of the kids. What we did: ate easy meals, some favorite foods (like steak and shrimp one night and lasagna another), take a full week to just laze about, sleep in, watch movies, rest and rest and rest. It was wonderful! My husband has mentioned numerous times how relaxing the whole vacation has been for him. And my daughter seemed to appreciate home a little more at the time.

Fall cleaning: nada, nothing accomplished. The first week went towards the staycation the second week was a filled full of unexpected necessary errands and basic homekeeping.

Grocery Budget: Ended up spending $480 for the month, about $80 more than I'd like to see it end up, but that includes the steak and shrimp and makings for lasagna plus a few deli meats and cheeses for our staycation. $80 is somewhat less than we'd normally spend for vacations away from home, so I'm not complaining hard about the end budget.

I did have an interesting thing happen this week. I had a friend ask to 'borrow' an article I wrote on an old blog that I hadn't updated in over a year. I'd had that blog on my mind a great deal over the last two weeks. It was written from the standpoint of revelations and thoughts I'd had based on my spiritual walk and scripture or sermons I'd heard. Kay's question was just the nudge I needed. I'd recently had a conversation with another friend that led to an article idea and I realized that the former blog was the perfect forum for posting it. An evening of work finally helped me figure out how to recover my password, the article was posted and the new blog will be updated with scripture and posts on what I hope is a routine basis. Another writing adventure relaunched!

Wednesday while visiting a friend known for her great yard sale bargains, we commissioned her with the task of finding dining room chairs for us. She lives in a suburban area that is rife with yard sales and thrift shops and having seen her own finds (all displayed in her home or refurbished for resale) we knew we would get quality pieces. We told her our budget. She called this morning to say she'd found four chairs of heavy wrought iron and she thought they'd work for us. I wasn't positive I wanted wrought iron but when she told me the price ($2 each!!) I agreed. I have in my possession a glass topped table with wrought iron base that might well work with the chairs if I decide my wooden table isn't suited to them. Either way I will be happy in the end.

As well, after my tearful episode on Thursday two things happened. When I came home, I was making our bed and found a penny on the floor on my side of the bed. There's no reason on earth why that penny should have been there. When I saw it on the floor I picked it up and remembered a friend telling me that every penny has "In God we trust" on it. I thought it a lovely reminder that God had heard my prayers and I'm keeping that penny on my bedside table to remind myself that I can and should turn my cares over more often.

Later that day my daughter's sorry attitude was much improved and I found out that it was a stubborness on her own part that caused her horrible attitude in the first place: refusal to go to bed at a reasonable hour and so lack of sleep was causing her poor attitude. That's something she needs to work on, not something I am responsible for. I did tell her that since my arrangements for her morning breakfasts were so dissatisfactory she would be responsible for getting her own foodstuffs together. I will provide things that are portable, but I will no longer be the one choosing what she will eat and drink, nor will I be taking it out of the door. That's on her. But I felt very empowered by giving her reasonable solutions and then washing my hands of the angst and frustration I'd been experiencing.

Today my husband and I took advantage of our restful Sabbath day and on our way home we 'chose the road less travelled by' a road we'd often wondered where it led. We ended up having a wonderful drive through the country on this beautiful October day, with views of fields of ripened grains, woods filled with colorful leaves, blue sky and sunshine poured out over it all. It was wonderful.

And to top it all off, this woman, a self-proclaimed non-napper, actually lay down this afternoon and took a one hour nap. I woke to the sound of a crow cawing in the pecan tree outside and a cool breeze blowing through the window. Looks like our previously cool weather is returning.

And that has been my portion of inspiration in a month when I thought I'd lost all hope of living inspired.

Week 16 Day 6 Things That Go Bump

October...I can't believe it's been five weeks since I last sat down to write out a post. What happened? Nothing much and yet a whole lot at once.

First came a realization of sorts brought on by a semi-crisis of sorts. I won't go into details but it involved our church and a deep disappointment about a situation that we have only a smattering of details from two of the involved parties and no word at all from the third to judge more clearly by. However the whole thing pointed up yet again that we were not in the place we wanted to be. Major drama here at home has been ongoing for months every time church going time approached and after this situation it was increased by 10 fold.

A decision finally was made to take a sabbatical, to step aside and see if we viewed things differently when we weren't smack in the middle of the seeming fray. It was a big decision, one we'd actually made a year ago and then just as we were to begin, my husband thought better of it and we didn't take the time off. A year later, we'd truly reached a point where it just wasn't a joy to go to church, though we put a darned good face on it...but you know how things are that are smashed beneath the surface to hide them. They have the nastiest habit of popping out inappropriately.

So, a sabbatical from our church. That was a major step for us both, involving a lot of sorting out of emotions, ideals, grief, hurts, confusion. We were determined to go to church somewhere during that time and we did visit at three different churches. It was such a blessing to be in all the services we attended. Without the weight of duties, knowledge of behind the scenes dramas and strife, with nothing to do but simply sit and worship and learn we felt a huge weight lift. And the clarity came, though I cannot say the decision reached was the on we we really wanted to make. Ultimately, we decided to step away from our current church home and seek out another church in which to worship. And we've decided to take our time and find a new place that truly fits us.

While we were dealing with church issues, Granny's dementia has increased to the point that it truly has become an exercise in grief to be with her. I won't give up my little portion of time willingly with her. I know that at this stage each day is a precious gift. She is still at home, living on her own. We've had a pattern about our visits so that I've been with her some portion of every week, but the past two weeks I've been very ill with a cold that hit me hard. I've noticed that at some point these days, when I've not been around for a few days, she'll call me with questions about some of her delusions, usually about sundown (hence the medical community term "sundowners syndrome"). My past experience dealing with dementia/alzheimer's patients in the nursing home has led me to believe the best way to handle the situation is to play along with the delusional part while gently making statements about time/place/date/real life that redirects the attention to the factual. This has worked well for me with Granny thus far. It doesn't stop her believing that there are other people about on the place, but it does reassure her in some way that all is as it should be.

All that said, I am losing a best friend, mentor and beloved family member by inches every day that passes. And that hurts more than I can share. And it brings up issues of not only impending loss but of aging in general, my own family relationships that are scattered over this nation, and more. Lots of grief and tears and not any of it changes a thing one whit.

My daughter's health issues continue to be a concern. She isn't well, but we can't quite pinpoint what is wrong with her. Officially she's fully recovered from mono. She is now having female problems that are painful and causing hot flashes and mood swings and too frequent periods,etc. She is just 17. I feel helpless in many ways and for many reasons. The medical community relies heavily on the standards when it comes to youth and female woes: The GP refers her to a gynocologist, who assures us it will all work out in time, do a pap smear, put her on birth control to regulate the period and gee there's nothing else we can do until we try this. It feels a bit like being in the dark ages all over again. Hello. She's 17. 17yr olds do NOT have hot flashes. Her pain has been largely ignored, despite the fact that she weeps with it being so bad. My daughter is not one to cry.

This is beginning to sound like I had a pretty tough month last month, and you know what? I did. No kidding. I struggled with these other issues and pushed myself too hard to do some much needed work in the yard and house and ended up sidelined with some deeply serious pain and so wasn't able to do a thing for two weeks and the only reason it let up at all was that I got sick with what has proven to be one of the worst head and chest colds I've had in ten years, which has gone on nearly two weeks. I literally was in bed or resting quietly in a chair for over a week. I haven't been this ill in a long time and I don't like the feeling of weakness it gave me.

I feel, quite honestly as though the past five weeks were a total waste of time in all my selected goal areas. And having already backtracked my calendar for four weeks previously, I am darned reluctant to do the same all over again. And so there are thoughts of scrapping it all and tossing the whole plan aside one more time and never revisiting it. But I can't do that. This ideal of 70 weeks of Living Inspired made a large impact on me at the time it occurred the first time. I've been sidelined twice. I just cannot give up a third time.

So that leaves me here: Moving on, despite the major bumps in the road. That old saying about when the going gets tough the tough gets going is my motto at the moment. I'm going all right, I'm moving right ahead and darned if I'm giving up. NOW is just a season and this season would have occurred at some point anyway. Seasons do. That's how they are.

I've met a few goals. I am very conscious of how I present myself for one thing. I am a creative person. It seems to me when I leave the house something of that creativity ought to show. I'm fairly reserved and prefer classic tailored clothing over the bohemian, but I'm learning there are many ways to creatively express who I am in my dress regardless of my style.

I've not lost one ounce of weight that I'm aware of, but I know that I am overall eating better. And it's almost becoming second nature to reach for the vegetables first and then finish filling my plate with meat and bread and dessert in smaller portions. Not always, but more often.

I've learned to be more aware of my personal boundaries and which ones really need to be honored and which really need to be tested. It helped a lot to hear a wonderful sermon series on Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The pastor pointed out that in this day and age we've become a little too quick to tear down all the walls when in fact some of the walls need to be there and for good reason. I'm learning to distinquish between the two.


So ten days into October what are my goals for the month? At this point I'm darned tempted to say to get through October and get as far away from September as I possibly can! That however is a statement of fear, not a statement of belief that I deserve to live out an Inspired Life. So here are my goals for the month of October:

#1 I've got this horrid tendency to think that because I'm comfortable in a certain area that things should stay within those parameters. I think I can figure out how things should operate better than God possibly can work things out, tend to give advice based on my own comfort, etc. Ultimately it's a combination of arrogance and lack of trust, neither of which speaks that well of me or my attitude overall. I know that the determination to change a character trait isn't going to make it easy to change. I do believe however, that change can occur if we are at least aware of the need to do something differently and are willing to try.

#2 My husband has all but a few days of this month off from work. We won't be going on vacation anywhere this year for the first time in many years, and honestly it is something I feel we all need. However I can't change our circumstances only my attitude and hopefully theirs. I'm going to do my level best to make everyone in this home feel we've had a vacation of sorts when the month is over. Daytrips, special meals, treats we seldom allow ourselves etc, just as though we had gone away.

#3 Continue to fight with the grocery budget. Ultimately we've hit one goal since I decided to cut back so hard on our grocery expenses: senior pictures were paid for and ordered. Next goal: get the Christmas shopping done. I'm allotting myself $400 and two and half months to finish it off. For the majority on my list I have an idea of what I want to gift, all things within reach and entirely possible. For a few, I need to make plans and get out and actively seek the items I want to give.

I can't lie: this cutting back has been tough and we're showing the strain in our pantry and freezer which are considerably less full than they were previously. However, we haven't missed a meal, I have far less waste overall and we're eating good basic foods once more which is just fine.

September goals:
Moving my body didn't exactly work my way. I ended up with serious pain that limited my normally limited movement. I felt downright ancient and unhealthy, which I think led to the increased susceptibility to the cold that attacked me, and yes, I do believe there is a strong connection between our mental and physical state. I've said before that exercise without purpose just isn't for me. If bending and stooping and working about the yard or house are out I don't know which way to turn. I'm disappointed in my results for the month, that's for sure.

Eating seasonally isn't that hard a stretch, but at some point in every week I became aware that I was woefully out of balance in the high fiber, raw foods category. On the other hand, all those wonderful 'treats' I mentioned....didn't get a single one of them made except the Butternut cake, which I didn't get a bite of because ants attacked it before we could cut it.

Fall cleaning: I'm in about the same place I was when I last wrote. The kitchen is 'mostly' done. One side (the side with the fewest cabinets) is in need. And we've got mice. Caught one, and just saw another. Being sidelined for September brought deep cleaning to a grinding halt. And boy does my house really need it.

What did I rediscover last month? Some pretty dishes that I do really love and want to see more of. I got rid of a lot of stuff that prevented my easily getting to the pieces I love most.

Increasing my understanding is still ongoing, hence goal #1 for October.

Accepting Abundance has been a stretch, especially when it seemed at times that the more we did to cut back the more we had to spend. However, that determination did keep me from picking up endless oddities and pretties to stash in hidden corners when I allowed myself a thrift shop day last month. I asked myself key questions: will it serve a present need, what will spending this money here not allow me to do that would better enhance my life,etc. When I realized that buying up a bunch of stuff would prohibit my buying a much needed pair of shoes, the choice was easy. I got the shoes at month's end and for a darned good price too.

I didn't do a single thing about gratitude. Not one line written on a daily basis. This is something I really do need to return to doing and work on.

Not one bulb planted. Not even bought for that matter. Sigh.

All that said, I can say that I finally got the laptop online and even better, we went wireless. I am typing this post on it. I can't claim the glory in this however. My daughter, realizing I felt too ill to bother with moving to the computer desk and sitting there for any length of time decided to buy a wireless router, install it and program the computer for wireless connections. Mind you, she wasn't being totally selfless. She recently got a netbook and wanted the wireless connection for herself as well, but she didn't make a move to purchase and install it until I was sick.

And so that's the past five weeks in a not so small nutshell. I will make a greater effort to get back inline with this whole project for the remainder of this month.
What I've bumped against over and over again this month is that I feel helpless, grieved, and hurt: spiritually, physically and emotionally. Every single situation has left me facing anger at my own sense of inadequacy and struggling with the feeling that I am not coping well with life in general. This is not fact, it's merely how I feel. I've had to make a lot, a LOT, of reality checks this month.

Week 11, Day 3 & Day 6: A New Month, A New Beginning

I've long said that September feels like a mini New Year of sorts. At one time, that was the beginning of the school year, so the month is associated with the idea of a new beginning, an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. September in my youth meant the possibility that for this school year we'd be more popular, make better grades, find our passionate interest, finally fit in, etc. Now if you were all of those things and then some, more power to you. Me? I was the overweight, very shy girl sitting at the back of the class. You know. The one who wrote poetry only no one knew it until her senior year...;-P



Well, that said, let's return to the subject at hand. A new beginning. Another opportunity to make and meet goals. Except for New Year's Day, the only other most perfect month to start over. A second opportunity to face a blank page and write our future.



I know. I do go all poetic over September. First of all, I love the month. Nope, not my birthday. I was born smack in the middle of winter. But autumn speaks to my soul. It's full of rich color and the crisp cool weather I find most bearable and it all smells wonderful as well. And then there's that whole 'new year' association that just adds to the general sense of anticipation and new opportunity.



Officially, I am one/seventh (1/7) done with my personal challenge. And if you were to ask me what's changed, I could tell you honestly: very little. My finances are still not where I'd like to see them. My weight is just this side of a little more than I started out with. My goals have pretty much been met, but almost too easily. There's a strong need to be more challenged in some ways and a struggle to figure out what is enough of a challenge and what is hopelessly too far reaching. But I am nothing if not optimistic. So I'm going to make new goals and shoot for them just as though I'd been a roaring success all along, because that is just what I do.



Goals for September:



Move. Move my body. Stretch my limbs. Stretch my limits. For years I've used an old car accident and the limitations that resulted as an excuse. Well maybe it's time I moved on and learned how to overcome all of the limitations! Frankly I'm tired of excuses, valid or not. I'm tired of this last area of vicitimization I've allowed to overtake my life. I may be overweight. I do not have to afraid to move. This I can do. I am sure of it. Besides, there's enough of who I might have been scattered like a retread tire all over the highway of my past. It's time I tried harder to be what I still might become.



Eat. Seasonal fresh foods. More fiber, more raw fruits and vegetables. The best I can afford on our budget. I'm going to savor September on my tongue: fresh apples, grapes, pears, cabbage, spinach, tomatoes. I'm going to bulk up my food intake so that I feel fuller and more satisfied while eating fewer calories and getting more natural vitamins and minerals into my system. If I'm going to overeat, then let me fill up on fruits and vegetables, not cakes and pies. Not that I plan to give up those. No, I'm not. I'm just planning to leave less room to indulge in them! I plan to have my favorite seasonal sweet treats, too. Fried Apple pies, caramel apple, homemade doughnuts, Butternut cake. Just not all at once. Nor all by myself. I'll make and share the goodies to eliminate the urge to binge.



Clean. I am so ready to do a major Fall cleaning. To get rid of the stuff that has accumulated in my home and in my life over the past year (the last time I had opportunity to do a really good deep cleaning). Cleaning also involves moving. I have to bend, lift, stoop, etc to do the cleaning properly. This will be good for me on two counts. As I clean I want to get rid of the guilt: unused items hiding away in closets and drawers, old dreams that no longer fit, old clothes too.


Rediscover. The things I've got that are lovely and pretty and which for some strange reason I refuse to use or enjoy. For instance, that huge garden tub in my bathroom. The very one I told Mr. I couldn't even think of purchasing the house if it didn't have such a tub. The very one that was specially ordered so we could have the house of our dreams. The one that has been unused for over a year.

And what about that lovely vintage tableware that I never pull out of hiding? Or those darling little pointy toed kitten heeled shoes I wore once and put away? And the good jewelry instead of just the costume stuff? Or the vintage brooches I adore but haven't pulled out of hiding in ten years?

So much of my passions are hidden? It's time to draw them out into the open once more. To once again say "Oh yes, I am THAT woman!"

Understand. That it isn't all about getting others to recognize my boundaries, it's coming to understand what my boundaries are that I never bother to explore. Why do I have all this fear of horrible things happening? Why am I still so certain somewhere inside that this is all a lovely dream and I'll wake up to the same sadness I once had? Why do I only view my life through the terrible "ifs"? Where is my trust in God's grace and goodness? Why do I buy into the idea that I am unlovable, ugly, not capable? Why, when all my life has proved otherwise?!

Accept. Abundance. That I deserve better than okay or good enough. To reach for the best in foods, in clothes, in dreams, in my financial life. It's not necessarily about how much money you spend. It is all about quality. I need to learn to balance my love of a bargain with my need to feel financially secure. I need to stop and consider how I can have the best of all things, not just here at the sacrifice of that. It isn't a matter of not having enough. It's a matter of always using what you have the most wisely.

Gratefulness. I've lost my attitude of gratitude. For a long time, when we were struggling financially so I could be a stay at home mom/wife, I kept a daily gratitude journal. Daily. I read it now and still feel the immense joy I felt recounting those blissful moments, those little blessings and big happenings at the end of each day. I lean more towards complaining about what I don't have, fearing that there won't be enough time or money or love, being impatient when I need to wait for things, people, changes. So Lord, I ask that once again, I remember to daily account for my gratitude. On paper. Every day. Because I've lost sight of how often I am blessed, and how much those blessings mean.

Plant. I love flowers so much...and I have had very few in the last few years. I haven't bothered to do any real yardwork in a long long time. I plan to purchase daffodil and grape hyacinth bulbs, plant poppy and sweet peas. And just generally begin to plan out a real honest to goodness flower garden. I have an idea and I think it will be pretty and work beautifully. I just need to start.


That's my goals for September!

Day 6:

I didn't get a chance to quite finish my monthly goals the other night, so they had to wait until today. Here's a quick update on my last goals and how I managed to meet them:

Dear Husband gave me money to go buy underthings. I had a frustrating, awful day trying to find bras. Tried on 15 and NONE of them fit properly. The dressing room was tiny, ill lit and stuffy, so I was perspiring bullets. And we won't even go into the whole dressing room funhouse mirror effect, okay? I have full length mirrors at home and either they are magic or I just look at myself with a lot more love when I'm home because the dressing room mirrors absolutely do nothing but reveal every dimple, fold, flab, unshaven hair and scar magnified times ten. So I gave up and went home in a perfect snit with only aching feet and a badly bruised ego to show for my efforts. I stopped at another store and bought five bras to bring home and try on. I was so tired and ill that after trying on two I quit and set them aside.

This morning, after a long relaxing, soothing beauty bath in my garden tub, I revisited the bra situation. In my drawer were two bras bought last year and set aside because the fit was so disappointing. I tried those on first. I need to lengthen the straps on one bra. The other is useless to me, the cups far too big despite the tags assurance that I bought the proper size. Then I took the five new ones and tried each on. Despite the fact three were the same style, just different colors, one fit and two didn't. I tried on two more of a different style, in two different colors, both fit nicely with the straps lengthened to the maximum. So I have new bras, times 3 and one to alter slightly.

Still haven't begun listing items on ebay. Have continued with the grocery budget challenge and am very proud of the way it's working out. The family is on board with the idea of weekly shopping. I find their complaints or urging to splurge have been cut down considerably by their knowledge that I shall be shopping again the next week. It's remarkable how much more willing they are to wait one week as opposed to two. The checkbook isn't completely showing the changeover yet because I started this project just three weeks ago. But I think in the next month or two there will be a remarkable difference in our checking balance.

Bought a water hose and paint for the porch railings and a new patio pot full of plants to dress up the outdoors. I still need to get busy with the actual work of washing and cleaning and gardening outdoors. I did clean off the porch, deck and patio. Still haven't repotted houseplants either. No excuse except procrastination.

I still haven't gotten interfaced for internet on the laptop. And yes, I do plan to do that. I got caught up this past week in making appointments and meeting obligations and starting Fall cleaning. One section of one side of the kitchen has been cleaned and looks gloriously clean and free of clutter. That said, the laptop is still only good for playing mahjongh or using Word. I just need to do it. Again procrastination.

Lastly, I wanted to try and eat lighter in the evenings and observed halfway through the month that I wondered what life would be like eating just half. I've been consciously cutting down my portions ever since. Even I pile it on my plate right off, I stop and remove half. Rarely do I want more. Again, the goal is to lose, but if I don't lose, I am at least attempting to be healthier.

So there we are, new month, new goals, and updates on the old month just past. September is promising to be a terrific month this year!

Week 10/Day 6 Letting the Past Dictate the Future

I feel very much lately as though I am slogging thru mud. Getting nowhere fast, if you know what I mean...Nevertheless, I mean to persevere and continue to try to move forward, even when it looks as though the effort isn't netting any results at all.

Last weekend we were at Mama's where I usually weigh-in. Much to my shock the scales read 5#s higher, which really depressed me no end. Here I'd changed my eating habits, had actually been eating less and my weight INCREASED. Aside from mild verbal self-abuse, I let it go, cont'd to eat lighter and finally decided that it could just possibly be the usual menopausal monthly water weight. In light of the headaches and salt/chocolate cravings I've experienced, that is probably exactly what it is. However, I was disheartened and began to hear once more the "I can't" echoes that seem to be closer at times than others.

Well Monday came along and in a completely unrelated incident, I got some rather shocking news that upset me no end. It wasn't life changing news, but it was unexpected and it involved our finances in an offhand way and that always shakes me to my core because it rang with past associations of another life. My response, however, was almost as upsetting to me. I wanted to EAT. Not just the 'oh it's time for lunch, I should eat" response either. It was the planning of a major binge. I realized about halfway to my destination what I was doing, took a side road and headed back home to a reasonably healthy dinner of BLT on whole wheat bread with a diet soda.

But for those of you who have not experienced compulsive eating habits, know this: if I were an alcoholic or drug user and had had the same response to the temporary road bump, I'd have been just as devastated. Because no matter how far away from destructive behavior we may think we've moved, somewhere inside there is still that old response system that sometimes gets heard far more loudly and clearly than the newer and better systems we've instilled. That blast from the past was unwelcome and frankly, frightening. It was a reminder of how far I've NOT come.

That it surfaced at all began to feed a long line of fear based thinking which led to depression and anxiety. That response too was frightening. Again, depression, like compulsive eating, was put behind me long ago. I've been many years now without more than a slightly blue feeling here and there. I sat down to journal and found myself openly weeping, with fear! So I let fear have it's head and I began a long list of all the things I've been fearful of in the past few weeks. Some were silly, some were serious, some were based on 'if' thinking (I FEAR is an association I make with IF). Somehow seeing all those vague fears listed on paper took away some of their power. This was darkness and I fought it with all my strength until my husband came home. I told him of my struggles and how disheartened I'd become as the day went on and he laid hands on me to pray.

I am a huge believer in the power of prayer over the forces of darkness and could feel things in me becoming disentangled. I don't care if that sounds flaky to some, it's the truth. I have long said that the saddest response we learn as children of alcoholics is justification. Our reasoning doesn't run the normal route of A-B-C-D-E-F etc. No, our response is warped and we often reason things illogically. Z- Q-C-H-M-A-P would be more accurate of how we think. It's taken years to learn to step back and stop the stupidity and pray for logic before reasoning out situations. That's the tangles I mentioned above. I could literally feel all those strings of thought coming untangled within. And that led to an immediate response of joy surging through me once more. Praise God!

Back to the week. I managed to avoid overeating. I managed to avoid further depression and fear. But I hid out all week long. I did what I had to do each day so far as living was concerned, because come heck or high water the housework will get done but every opportunity I got I retreated into another little compulsive area of my life: playing games. Whether it's PSII or something online, anytime I begin to compulsively play, wasting hours of my time and life in meaningless scores I know there's still something more to reason out. Sometimes, I do let the compulsiveness take over in a non-harmful way as I reason out things, learning to get the A-B-C order of thinking laid out rightly in my head. And finally yesterday afternoon, it all gelled up for me.

I was backtracking through the past. First on my list: the triggered remembrance of my first marriage. Done with that, I prayed over the situation, let it go and moved on. Next came up a remembered hurt. No unforgiveness in the situation, but a curiosity about why certain events took place and a realization that when I'd finally confronted it, the person responsible had immediately and completely stopped the hurtful and wrong behavior. That spoke volumes about both my opportunity to grab my own power and the possibility that the other person hadn't realized how her activities were harmful until I pointed it out.

And finally, we drifted all the way back to childhood and weight issues. I was a plump child. I was a normally active child as well. I ran, I walked miles, I rode a bike, played ball, skipped rope, swung on the monkey bars, swam. I dare say compared to my own children, I was a very active child. I balanced outdoor activity with plenty of quiet activity too. However, my weight was consistently higher than that of other children my age my whole life. It was that negative association to my weight however that really began to shape who and what I became. I was shamed, ridiculed and harassed because of my size, not by other children but by adults, many of them in my own family.

Mama's response was to periodically put me on a diet. I always lost weight. ALWAYS lost weight. Now let's return to my remark of a few weeks ago when I said I felt much as my grandmother when she announced to me one day, "I can quit smoking anytime I want, I've done it 20 or 30 times already," (or something to that effect). I ALWAYS lost weight. Right up until the moment that Mama tired of her own diet at which point she began compulsively eating all over again and of course, she fed me the same things she ate as well. So I stopped losing and sometimes regained more than I'd originally lost. Somewhere in the midst of her lack of motivation I began to hear in my own head that I couldn't lose weight...

Do you see what I'm saying here? I at ages 6,8,10, 12 wasn't the controlling person where my diet was concerned. I was continually being told I was fat, continually being put on a diet, continually having the person responsible failing to continue to monitor my diet and then being told that I was the failure! Until I began to repeat to myself the words I'd been told repeatedly. I learned to be a failure. I learned to hate my body. I learned to say "I can't."

What does this mean to me now? It means that I need to go back to what I 'learned' and do something different. Just as I learned to stop eating compulsively as a response to pain, I need to learn once more how to live my life in such a way that regardless of my size, I feel happy. To take control of my diet and keep control. To be active in the ways that make me happy. To stop saying "I can't" as a rote lesson and instead begin to say "I can".

What this means is that I will try to relearn the ways I used to be active and enjoy them once more. I admit that at present, with my ankles as painful as they are, I am not likely to get out and play football, baseball or walk over uneven ground as I did as a child. But I can garden, I can walk longer distances when I'm out shopping, I can learn to move my body once more. I will try to find a way of eating that makes me feel good and energetic without feeling deprived or binge prone. Low-carb worked for me up to a point. Perhaps a more moderate low-carb approach such as South Beach is the very answer I need. Perhaps it simply means that I try to make healthier choices and watch portions and learn to recognize the fullness signals my body sends.

I want to learn from the past so that my future can be different. I'm not a Danielle Steele fan. I admit to reading only one of her novels, Zoya. But one line in that book stood out and remains one of those life changing quotes: The past is worth only what it makes of us. I want my future to be worth something more. I want the past to inspire my future to be better than I'd dreamed possible!

Week 9/Day 5 Dream, dream, dream...

I started a post earlier this week and then struck it all off the page and went away. I felt I'd accomplished so very little in the past two weeks that I might as well not bother...

But the desire to live differently than I am at present (as happy as my circumstances are) won't let me give up and quit. And so, despite my thinking that no accomplishment means no post, I've continued to change and move and think and dream just like always.

Reaching for inspired goals these past two weeks, I've changed up my eating habits a bit. I did implement the idea of eating lighter meals in the evenings. When my husband works I have eaten very lightly of the same fare I've prepared for my daughter's supper, or I've chosen cottage cheese and fruit, cereal, etc. It must be working somewhat because honestly I am hungry with a capital H just about bedtime each evening. I've not given in and eaten more, nor am I so hungry I can't go to sleep. I am sleeping all the way through most nights now and if nothing else changes but that, it's enough.

I am still struggling with portions. I admit that for the most part suggested serving sizes seem appropriate. Even one cup of cereal suits me just fine, when I add 1/2 cup of blueberries and 2 tbsps of chopped walnuts and 1/2- 3/4 cup of milk. But let's go on a reality check here: 1 chocolate chip cookie? 2 oreos? Not gonna happen in this life! What I'm choosing to do: limit my treats to one time a day, stick as near the recommended serving as possible, or even better, eating only a 2 square serving of a Hershey Special Dark chocolate bar. That is an easy compromise. I find the Extra Dark chocolates are even easier to divvy into single square servings, because the intense taste satisfies.

I did have a moment of wondering Wednesday though, as Mama and I ate lunch and I left roughly half my food (a Chicken Penne Cesear Salad) at the restaurant, what it would be like to eat only half the food on my plate. I tried that same idea today when I made chicken Cacciatore and pasta for supper. I ate a small portion at lunch and had just 1/2 cup of pasta with the three ounce breast. I was happily and comfortably full. Hungry by 5pm, yes, but not more than usual. So this too is another portion control method that might be worth trying.

I haven't listed a thing on eBay as of yet. Instead I went off in another direction and decided that what I needed to do was to switch up my grocery shopping. I've been doing a Big Shop, once every two weeks, and then a fill in shopping trip mid-pay period. This works for us, but it's a lot of work for me and it means that our fridge is so full for about 10 days we can barely open it without stuff falling out and then it's so empty for the next four days that everyone who gapes at the stark white interior feels twice as hungry and eats up everything in sight. That percipitates a run to the store mid pay period and the money comes off the next week's grocery budget (supposedly), but somehow there's nothing left and so I spend a bit more. It's been a stupid cycle and I finally decided to stop trying to make this obviously flawed plan work.

As of this week, I am going to shop weekly. I've a set amount I plan to spend and surely to goodness we can manage to survive from week to week without the rob Peter to pay Paul drama of shopping between times. Aside from the more stable food levels, not overstuffing the fridge between cycles, and family not getting starvation syndrome becomes food levels remain basically the same throughout the week, I am thinking this might be a bigger money saver than anticipated. #1: I get to shop good sales every week #2Typically I spend less when shopping for one week at a time because I am a better judge of what we'll eat in a week's time than what we'll eat in two weeks time. #3 I can take into account what we've got to finish up as leftovers for the week. All in all, I figure we're going to save a good 25% of the current budgeted amount. And that's all to the good in light of our upcoming expenses and Christmas shopping, etc.

I didn't do anything towards the makeover portion of my goals, but I bought a summer shade of foundation at a CVS sale that actually ended up giving me money back in my pocket. And I bought a shade of lipstick that I've gotten a ton of compliments on in the past. I've decided for the hair portion of it to just find a good stylist who can make a standard bob cut look nice. My hair is a bit fussy and elaborate hairstyles are out. I need just a good cut, classic styling that can be left alone or polished up a bit and a bob works nicely with my features.

I got off my procrastination pot and actually hemmed the pants I bought three months ago, then went out and bought two more pair so I have a decent wardrobe of pants for once in my life. For years, I've gotten by on the 'all I need is two pairs of pants and both of them black" poverty days thinking. All of the pants are good neutral colors: a sort of loden green, chocolate brown, black and grey. Same mileage really as black pants, but a lot smarter looking than wearing only black day after day.

I also did a little more clearance rack shopping and came up with two more tops and another jacket to extend my wardrobe into the early days of winter. And sorted my closet. What I found was surprising. Things I was certain no longer fit me, did. And luckily they were things I really liked. I culled a few things out, as well. I see no reason why I shouldn't look the part of a woman with a little creative flair now when I leave the house. My expenses thus far have been under $50. The remaining portion of my pledged amount for this makeover is going to go to the uplifting garments.

At home, I've been busy just getting the house back into shape. Not the deep cleaning, long range plans I've had at all. I really need to spend some money in this area to get things accomplished: water hose, paint, etc. But I do have the potting soil and the pots needed to renew the houseplants.

And a roadside find has me pondering redecorating the master bath. I picked up a bench with cast iron legs. A trip into Hobby Lobby with Mama resulted in my coming home with fabric to recover the bench...which just accidentally goes with the curtains and rugs I already have. I will be dying towels (they are perfectly good towels, just faded, so I got color remover and dye at Hobby Lobby), and the paint color I chose months ago is in the fabric as well.

Creatively I'm feeling very restless. I haven't had time to look at my work on the laptop, nor have I taken the time to go internet with it yet, but that will hopefully happen on Monday. I did scratch out an extra post this week at the Penny Ann blog. Now that's something I'm curious about...

I've had a consistent readership at the blog for the past two years. Suddenly this month, my readership base has dropped from 1500 a week to about half...Is it due to boredom with my limited posts? Am I in too much of a rut? Is it a temporary summer time lull due to gardens/schools/vacations? I find that though I felt Penny Ann was confining, I don't want to lose the opportunity to tell others of my love for the country/frugal/homekeeping life. I feel very much that as a God given inspiration it's a wonderful ministry tool to share my triumphs and my mistakes as I work in my home on a daily basis and struggle with budgets and meals and such.

I went premium on that blog but I don't see that I've netted a thing by doing so. I can't use the higher grade editing tools due to my computer having Vista instead of XP. And there's some screw-up with google adsense and the blog. Without premium I couldn't use google ad-sense, but when I signed up with google they said I had an account associated with my blog already. I've not earned a penny off that, that's for sure, which is why I went premium, thinking I could make it at least pay out a few pennies. I may end cancelling that at the end of the month if I can't figure it all out.

For balance, I admitted to myself that I needed a little more help in the house. My daughter is wanting to earn money towards a laptop. I need household helps. So, I've hired her to mop my house once a week for $5 a week. It's just two rooms that need to be mopped, but I never seem to get to it as often as I'd like and she's perfectly willing to add that to her bank account.

I'm also consistently asking her to do some household related chore every day. Unlike when her brothers and sister were all at home and the work was piled up regardless of my output of effort, with just the three of us, the house doesn't need the same level of labor. And so, for the most part, I've just done all the work by myself and not requested any help from her. I realized I've given her short shrift in some ways. She hasn't had responsibility of helping and has gotten a little selfish and lazy about things. Asking her to do a chore or two daily isn't a huge thing, but it's that little bit more time I allot myself to do other things I'd like to get done because I know she'll do whatever I ask, if I only ask.

My friend and I didn't have coffee yesterday. And I didn't offer her an alternative day. She was given an opportunity to go to work, unexpectedly and it happens that she has to work on Thursdays. If I can find a suitable time for us both, I'll make the offer, but until that occurs, we've left it off. My daughter has added Academic Bowl to her senior class load and will need a ride home two evenings a week. Not a problem, that's why I'm a stay at home mom, but it does make me mindful of adding too much to my plate with her additional needs of my time.

The most surprising revelation of the past two weeks has been a coming together of my husband and I on some heavy issues. His job had been up in the air again for nearly two months. We got an answer finally and there will be no more negotiations for the next three years. On the one hand, I'm glad of it. It's a lot easier to go along with things as they are than to face lots of changes that aren't necessarily welcome ones at this stage of life. But on the other hand, I was shocked at my grief over the idea that he might possibly not move into a new phase of life and start to live his inspired dream life. However, I also came to another realization: I can't change his life for him, I can't live his dreams for him and I can't make things happen for him. He has to do all those things himself in his own way, in order to have his own authentic dream life. I can only be there by his side to support him.

A second issue isn't resolved and isn't one I can discuss openly, but we've agreed on two forms of dealing with it. One of those is a sabbatical break to step back, look at the situation impassively, relax and stop battling. We're two soldiers taking a bit of R&R. And in the meantime, we've agreed to stop beating the horse.

And that is my report for week 9. Living life on my own terms, creatively inspired to have the best life I can make of it!

Being Honest Without Being Hurtful

Don't you just cringe when someone you know says, "Well I believe in being honest!" or "I tell it like it is..." right after a hurtful remark? I do. Back a few years ago, a person who made these statements might be called 'frank'. No matter what century we live in, it's tactless, rude and often meant to be hurtful and bring someone else down.

So after my friend contacted me requesting some of my time, I felt doubly burdened, both my her request and my need to define my boundaries and protect myself. And that led to avoidance, which is never nice or kind, especially among friends. When she contacted Katie later in the week to ask if she knew whether or not I'd gotten a message, I knew I had to face up to my responsibility...and stop trying to avoid working out how to balance yet another portion on my plate.

I was in prayer about how to handle the situation. Until I woke Sunday morning I didn't have a clue what to do. I could continue to avoid her, but that was dishonest. And it wasn't kind. She called me friend, I thought of her as a friend. As a Christian I was called to be different than I'd been thus far. Yet, as a human, I had to balance my limitations and my personal. Some gesture was required. I felt downright frustrated trying to figure out how to fit in her request.

Ultimately I was honest. I told her how full my plate was and how I'd struggled and that I'd avoided her request and why. Then I told her the rest of the story: I cherished her friendship and wanted to do what I could for her. The plan she'd suggested wouldn't work for me, but if we could meet on another date away from her home or mine (where interruptions would occur) I'd be more than happy to listen to her woes and in the meantime I'd pray for her and her situation.
Thankfully all this suited her splendidly, which I'm glad of. And had she said the date wouldn't work for her, I'd have apologized and left it at that, because I'd truly offered her the only available time I had.

It was hard to struggle through this situation. It really pointed up my need of determining what is important, what I can honestly give and how much is too much. Just telling this friend how strapped for time and personal space I was at the moment was freeing. I'd felt guilty, mean, selfish...

It seems like I'm on a huge learning journey at the moment. I never thought my 50th year would be such. I no sooner determine that I need to go in a certain direction than I am suddenly tested to see if I mean what I say. And the theme of this current learning season is definitely about boundaries, respecting my own and others boundaries, knowing how far is too far and when it's not far enough and when to tell others it's too much.