I feel very much lately as though I am slogging thru mud. Getting nowhere fast, if you know what I mean...Nevertheless, I mean to persevere and continue to try to move forward, even when it looks as though the effort isn't netting any results at all.
Last weekend we were at Mama's where I usually weigh-in. Much to my shock the scales read 5#s higher, which really depressed me no end. Here I'd changed my eating habits, had actually been eating less and my weight INCREASED. Aside from mild verbal self-abuse, I let it go, cont'd to eat lighter and finally decided that it could just possibly be the usual menopausal monthly water weight. In light of the headaches and salt/chocolate cravings I've experienced, that is probably exactly what it is. However, I was disheartened and began to hear once more the "I can't" echoes that seem to be closer at times than others.
Well Monday came along and in a completely unrelated incident, I got some rather shocking news that upset me no end. It wasn't life changing news, but it was unexpected and it involved our finances in an offhand way and that always shakes me to my core because it rang with past associations of another life. My response, however, was almost as upsetting to me. I wanted to EAT. Not just the 'oh it's time for lunch, I should eat" response either. It was the planning of a major binge. I realized about halfway to my destination what I was doing, took a side road and headed back home to a reasonably healthy dinner of BLT on whole wheat bread with a diet soda.
But for those of you who have not experienced compulsive eating habits, know this: if I were an alcoholic or drug user and had had the same response to the temporary road bump, I'd have been just as devastated. Because no matter how far away from destructive behavior we may think we've moved, somewhere inside there is still that old response system that sometimes gets heard far more loudly and clearly than the newer and better systems we've instilled. That blast from the past was unwelcome and frankly, frightening. It was a reminder of how far I've NOT come.
That it surfaced at all began to feed a long line of fear based thinking which led to depression and anxiety. That response too was frightening. Again, depression, like compulsive eating, was put behind me long ago. I've been many years now without more than a slightly blue feeling here and there. I sat down to journal and found myself openly weeping, with fear! So I let fear have it's head and I began a long list of all the things I've been fearful of in the past few weeks. Some were silly, some were serious, some were based on 'if' thinking (I FEAR is an association I make with IF). Somehow seeing all those vague fears listed on paper took away some of their power. This was darkness and I fought it with all my strength until my husband came home. I told him of my struggles and how disheartened I'd become as the day went on and he laid hands on me to pray.
I am a huge believer in the power of prayer over the forces of darkness and could feel things in me becoming disentangled. I don't care if that sounds flaky to some, it's the truth. I have long said that the saddest response we learn as children of alcoholics is justification. Our reasoning doesn't run the normal route of A-B-C-D-E-F etc. No, our response is warped and we often reason things illogically. Z- Q-C-H-M-A-P would be more accurate of how we think. It's taken years to learn to step back and stop the stupidity and pray for logic before reasoning out situations. That's the tangles I mentioned above. I could literally feel all those strings of thought coming untangled within. And that led to an immediate response of joy surging through me once more. Praise God!
Back to the week. I managed to avoid overeating. I managed to avoid further depression and fear. But I hid out all week long. I did what I had to do each day so far as living was concerned, because come heck or high water the housework will get done but every opportunity I got I retreated into another little compulsive area of my life: playing games. Whether it's PSII or something online, anytime I begin to compulsively play, wasting hours of my time and life in meaningless scores I know there's still something more to reason out. Sometimes, I do let the compulsiveness take over in a non-harmful way as I reason out things, learning to get the A-B-C order of thinking laid out rightly in my head. And finally yesterday afternoon, it all gelled up for me.
I was backtracking through the past. First on my list: the triggered remembrance of my first marriage. Done with that, I prayed over the situation, let it go and moved on. Next came up a remembered hurt. No unforgiveness in the situation, but a curiosity about why certain events took place and a realization that when I'd finally confronted it, the person responsible had immediately and completely stopped the hurtful and wrong behavior. That spoke volumes about both my opportunity to grab my own power and the possibility that the other person hadn't realized how her activities were harmful until I pointed it out.
And finally, we drifted all the way back to childhood and weight issues. I was a plump child. I was a normally active child as well. I ran, I walked miles, I rode a bike, played ball, skipped rope, swung on the monkey bars, swam. I dare say compared to my own children, I was a very active child. I balanced outdoor activity with plenty of quiet activity too. However, my weight was consistently higher than that of other children my age my whole life. It was that negative association to my weight however that really began to shape who and what I became. I was shamed, ridiculed and harassed because of my size, not by other children but by adults, many of them in my own family.
Mama's response was to periodically put me on a diet. I always lost weight. ALWAYS lost weight. Now let's return to my remark of a few weeks ago when I said I felt much as my grandmother when she announced to me one day, "I can quit smoking anytime I want, I've done it 20 or 30 times already," (or something to that effect). I ALWAYS lost weight. Right up until the moment that Mama tired of her own diet at which point she began compulsively eating all over again and of course, she fed me the same things she ate as well. So I stopped losing and sometimes regained more than I'd originally lost. Somewhere in the midst of her lack of motivation I began to hear in my own head that I couldn't lose weight...
Do you see what I'm saying here? I at ages 6,8,10, 12 wasn't the controlling person where my diet was concerned. I was continually being told I was fat, continually being put on a diet, continually having the person responsible failing to continue to monitor my diet and then being told that I was the failure! Until I began to repeat to myself the words I'd been told repeatedly. I learned to be a failure. I learned to hate my body. I learned to say "I can't."
What does this mean to me now? It means that I need to go back to what I 'learned' and do something different. Just as I learned to stop eating compulsively as a response to pain, I need to learn once more how to live my life in such a way that regardless of my size, I feel happy. To take control of my diet and keep control. To be active in the ways that make me happy. To stop saying "I can't" as a rote lesson and instead begin to say "I can".
What this means is that I will try to relearn the ways I used to be active and enjoy them once more. I admit that at present, with my ankles as painful as they are, I am not likely to get out and play football, baseball or walk over uneven ground as I did as a child. But I can garden, I can walk longer distances when I'm out shopping, I can learn to move my body once more. I will try to find a way of eating that makes me feel good and energetic without feeling deprived or binge prone. Low-carb worked for me up to a point. Perhaps a more moderate low-carb approach such as South Beach is the very answer I need. Perhaps it simply means that I try to make healthier choices and watch portions and learn to recognize the fullness signals my body sends.
I want to learn from the past so that my future can be different. I'm not a Danielle Steele fan. I admit to reading only one of her novels, Zoya. But one line in that book stood out and remains one of those life changing quotes: The past is worth only what it makes of us. I want my future to be worth something more. I want the past to inspire my future to be better than I'd dreamed possible!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Week 9/Day 5 Dream, dream, dream...
I started a post earlier this week and then struck it all off the page and went away. I felt I'd accomplished so very little in the past two weeks that I might as well not bother...
But the desire to live differently than I am at present (as happy as my circumstances are) won't let me give up and quit. And so, despite my thinking that no accomplishment means no post, I've continued to change and move and think and dream just like always.
Reaching for inspired goals these past two weeks, I've changed up my eating habits a bit. I did implement the idea of eating lighter meals in the evenings. When my husband works I have eaten very lightly of the same fare I've prepared for my daughter's supper, or I've chosen cottage cheese and fruit, cereal, etc. It must be working somewhat because honestly I am hungry with a capital H just about bedtime each evening. I've not given in and eaten more, nor am I so hungry I can't go to sleep. I am sleeping all the way through most nights now and if nothing else changes but that, it's enough.
I am still struggling with portions. I admit that for the most part suggested serving sizes seem appropriate. Even one cup of cereal suits me just fine, when I add 1/2 cup of blueberries and 2 tbsps of chopped walnuts and 1/2- 3/4 cup of milk. But let's go on a reality check here: 1 chocolate chip cookie? 2 oreos? Not gonna happen in this life! What I'm choosing to do: limit my treats to one time a day, stick as near the recommended serving as possible, or even better, eating only a 2 square serving of a Hershey Special Dark chocolate bar. That is an easy compromise. I find the Extra Dark chocolates are even easier to divvy into single square servings, because the intense taste satisfies.
I did have a moment of wondering Wednesday though, as Mama and I ate lunch and I left roughly half my food (a Chicken Penne Cesear Salad) at the restaurant, what it would be like to eat only half the food on my plate. I tried that same idea today when I made chicken Cacciatore and pasta for supper. I ate a small portion at lunch and had just 1/2 cup of pasta with the three ounce breast. I was happily and comfortably full. Hungry by 5pm, yes, but not more than usual. So this too is another portion control method that might be worth trying.
I haven't listed a thing on eBay as of yet. Instead I went off in another direction and decided that what I needed to do was to switch up my grocery shopping. I've been doing a Big Shop, once every two weeks, and then a fill in shopping trip mid-pay period. This works for us, but it's a lot of work for me and it means that our fridge is so full for about 10 days we can barely open it without stuff falling out and then it's so empty for the next four days that everyone who gapes at the stark white interior feels twice as hungry and eats up everything in sight. That percipitates a run to the store mid pay period and the money comes off the next week's grocery budget (supposedly), but somehow there's nothing left and so I spend a bit more. It's been a stupid cycle and I finally decided to stop trying to make this obviously flawed plan work.
As of this week, I am going to shop weekly. I've a set amount I plan to spend and surely to goodness we can manage to survive from week to week without the rob Peter to pay Paul drama of shopping between times. Aside from the more stable food levels, not overstuffing the fridge between cycles, and family not getting starvation syndrome becomes food levels remain basically the same throughout the week, I am thinking this might be a bigger money saver than anticipated. #1: I get to shop good sales every week #2Typically I spend less when shopping for one week at a time because I am a better judge of what we'll eat in a week's time than what we'll eat in two weeks time. #3 I can take into account what we've got to finish up as leftovers for the week. All in all, I figure we're going to save a good 25% of the current budgeted amount. And that's all to the good in light of our upcoming expenses and Christmas shopping, etc.
I didn't do anything towards the makeover portion of my goals, but I bought a summer shade of foundation at a CVS sale that actually ended up giving me money back in my pocket. And I bought a shade of lipstick that I've gotten a ton of compliments on in the past. I've decided for the hair portion of it to just find a good stylist who can make a standard bob cut look nice. My hair is a bit fussy and elaborate hairstyles are out. I need just a good cut, classic styling that can be left alone or polished up a bit and a bob works nicely with my features.
I got off my procrastination pot and actually hemmed the pants I bought three months ago, then went out and bought two more pair so I have a decent wardrobe of pants for once in my life. For years, I've gotten by on the 'all I need is two pairs of pants and both of them black" poverty days thinking. All of the pants are good neutral colors: a sort of loden green, chocolate brown, black and grey. Same mileage really as black pants, but a lot smarter looking than wearing only black day after day.
I also did a little more clearance rack shopping and came up with two more tops and another jacket to extend my wardrobe into the early days of winter. And sorted my closet. What I found was surprising. Things I was certain no longer fit me, did. And luckily they were things I really liked. I culled a few things out, as well. I see no reason why I shouldn't look the part of a woman with a little creative flair now when I leave the house. My expenses thus far have been under $50. The remaining portion of my pledged amount for this makeover is going to go to the uplifting garments.
At home, I've been busy just getting the house back into shape. Not the deep cleaning, long range plans I've had at all. I really need to spend some money in this area to get things accomplished: water hose, paint, etc. But I do have the potting soil and the pots needed to renew the houseplants.
And a roadside find has me pondering redecorating the master bath. I picked up a bench with cast iron legs. A trip into Hobby Lobby with Mama resulted in my coming home with fabric to recover the bench...which just accidentally goes with the curtains and rugs I already have. I will be dying towels (they are perfectly good towels, just faded, so I got color remover and dye at Hobby Lobby), and the paint color I chose months ago is in the fabric as well.
Creatively I'm feeling very restless. I haven't had time to look at my work on the laptop, nor have I taken the time to go internet with it yet, but that will hopefully happen on Monday. I did scratch out an extra post this week at the Penny Ann blog. Now that's something I'm curious about...
I've had a consistent readership at the blog for the past two years. Suddenly this month, my readership base has dropped from 1500 a week to about half...Is it due to boredom with my limited posts? Am I in too much of a rut? Is it a temporary summer time lull due to gardens/schools/vacations? I find that though I felt Penny Ann was confining, I don't want to lose the opportunity to tell others of my love for the country/frugal/homekeeping life. I feel very much that as a God given inspiration it's a wonderful ministry tool to share my triumphs and my mistakes as I work in my home on a daily basis and struggle with budgets and meals and such.
I went premium on that blog but I don't see that I've netted a thing by doing so. I can't use the higher grade editing tools due to my computer having Vista instead of XP. And there's some screw-up with google adsense and the blog. Without premium I couldn't use google ad-sense, but when I signed up with google they said I had an account associated with my blog already. I've not earned a penny off that, that's for sure, which is why I went premium, thinking I could make it at least pay out a few pennies. I may end cancelling that at the end of the month if I can't figure it all out.
For balance, I admitted to myself that I needed a little more help in the house. My daughter is wanting to earn money towards a laptop. I need household helps. So, I've hired her to mop my house once a week for $5 a week. It's just two rooms that need to be mopped, but I never seem to get to it as often as I'd like and she's perfectly willing to add that to her bank account.
I'm also consistently asking her to do some household related chore every day. Unlike when her brothers and sister were all at home and the work was piled up regardless of my output of effort, with just the three of us, the house doesn't need the same level of labor. And so, for the most part, I've just done all the work by myself and not requested any help from her. I realized I've given her short shrift in some ways. She hasn't had responsibility of helping and has gotten a little selfish and lazy about things. Asking her to do a chore or two daily isn't a huge thing, but it's that little bit more time I allot myself to do other things I'd like to get done because I know she'll do whatever I ask, if I only ask.
My friend and I didn't have coffee yesterday. And I didn't offer her an alternative day. She was given an opportunity to go to work, unexpectedly and it happens that she has to work on Thursdays. If I can find a suitable time for us both, I'll make the offer, but until that occurs, we've left it off. My daughter has added Academic Bowl to her senior class load and will need a ride home two evenings a week. Not a problem, that's why I'm a stay at home mom, but it does make me mindful of adding too much to my plate with her additional needs of my time.
The most surprising revelation of the past two weeks has been a coming together of my husband and I on some heavy issues. His job had been up in the air again for nearly two months. We got an answer finally and there will be no more negotiations for the next three years. On the one hand, I'm glad of it. It's a lot easier to go along with things as they are than to face lots of changes that aren't necessarily welcome ones at this stage of life. But on the other hand, I was shocked at my grief over the idea that he might possibly not move into a new phase of life and start to live his inspired dream life. However, I also came to another realization: I can't change his life for him, I can't live his dreams for him and I can't make things happen for him. He has to do all those things himself in his own way, in order to have his own authentic dream life. I can only be there by his side to support him.
A second issue isn't resolved and isn't one I can discuss openly, but we've agreed on two forms of dealing with it. One of those is a sabbatical break to step back, look at the situation impassively, relax and stop battling. We're two soldiers taking a bit of R&R. And in the meantime, we've agreed to stop beating the horse.
And that is my report for week 9. Living life on my own terms, creatively inspired to have the best life I can make of it!
But the desire to live differently than I am at present (as happy as my circumstances are) won't let me give up and quit. And so, despite my thinking that no accomplishment means no post, I've continued to change and move and think and dream just like always.
Reaching for inspired goals these past two weeks, I've changed up my eating habits a bit. I did implement the idea of eating lighter meals in the evenings. When my husband works I have eaten very lightly of the same fare I've prepared for my daughter's supper, or I've chosen cottage cheese and fruit, cereal, etc. It must be working somewhat because honestly I am hungry with a capital H just about bedtime each evening. I've not given in and eaten more, nor am I so hungry I can't go to sleep. I am sleeping all the way through most nights now and if nothing else changes but that, it's enough.
I am still struggling with portions. I admit that for the most part suggested serving sizes seem appropriate. Even one cup of cereal suits me just fine, when I add 1/2 cup of blueberries and 2 tbsps of chopped walnuts and 1/2- 3/4 cup of milk. But let's go on a reality check here: 1 chocolate chip cookie? 2 oreos? Not gonna happen in this life! What I'm choosing to do: limit my treats to one time a day, stick as near the recommended serving as possible, or even better, eating only a 2 square serving of a Hershey Special Dark chocolate bar. That is an easy compromise. I find the Extra Dark chocolates are even easier to divvy into single square servings, because the intense taste satisfies.
I did have a moment of wondering Wednesday though, as Mama and I ate lunch and I left roughly half my food (a Chicken Penne Cesear Salad) at the restaurant, what it would be like to eat only half the food on my plate. I tried that same idea today when I made chicken Cacciatore and pasta for supper. I ate a small portion at lunch and had just 1/2 cup of pasta with the three ounce breast. I was happily and comfortably full. Hungry by 5pm, yes, but not more than usual. So this too is another portion control method that might be worth trying.
I haven't listed a thing on eBay as of yet. Instead I went off in another direction and decided that what I needed to do was to switch up my grocery shopping. I've been doing a Big Shop, once every two weeks, and then a fill in shopping trip mid-pay period. This works for us, but it's a lot of work for me and it means that our fridge is so full for about 10 days we can barely open it without stuff falling out and then it's so empty for the next four days that everyone who gapes at the stark white interior feels twice as hungry and eats up everything in sight. That percipitates a run to the store mid pay period and the money comes off the next week's grocery budget (supposedly), but somehow there's nothing left and so I spend a bit more. It's been a stupid cycle and I finally decided to stop trying to make this obviously flawed plan work.
As of this week, I am going to shop weekly. I've a set amount I plan to spend and surely to goodness we can manage to survive from week to week without the rob Peter to pay Paul drama of shopping between times. Aside from the more stable food levels, not overstuffing the fridge between cycles, and family not getting starvation syndrome becomes food levels remain basically the same throughout the week, I am thinking this might be a bigger money saver than anticipated. #1: I get to shop good sales every week #2Typically I spend less when shopping for one week at a time because I am a better judge of what we'll eat in a week's time than what we'll eat in two weeks time. #3 I can take into account what we've got to finish up as leftovers for the week. All in all, I figure we're going to save a good 25% of the current budgeted amount. And that's all to the good in light of our upcoming expenses and Christmas shopping, etc.
I didn't do anything towards the makeover portion of my goals, but I bought a summer shade of foundation at a CVS sale that actually ended up giving me money back in my pocket. And I bought a shade of lipstick that I've gotten a ton of compliments on in the past. I've decided for the hair portion of it to just find a good stylist who can make a standard bob cut look nice. My hair is a bit fussy and elaborate hairstyles are out. I need just a good cut, classic styling that can be left alone or polished up a bit and a bob works nicely with my features.
I got off my procrastination pot and actually hemmed the pants I bought three months ago, then went out and bought two more pair so I have a decent wardrobe of pants for once in my life. For years, I've gotten by on the 'all I need is two pairs of pants and both of them black" poverty days thinking. All of the pants are good neutral colors: a sort of loden green, chocolate brown, black and grey. Same mileage really as black pants, but a lot smarter looking than wearing only black day after day.
I also did a little more clearance rack shopping and came up with two more tops and another jacket to extend my wardrobe into the early days of winter. And sorted my closet. What I found was surprising. Things I was certain no longer fit me, did. And luckily they were things I really liked. I culled a few things out, as well. I see no reason why I shouldn't look the part of a woman with a little creative flair now when I leave the house. My expenses thus far have been under $50. The remaining portion of my pledged amount for this makeover is going to go to the uplifting garments.
At home, I've been busy just getting the house back into shape. Not the deep cleaning, long range plans I've had at all. I really need to spend some money in this area to get things accomplished: water hose, paint, etc. But I do have the potting soil and the pots needed to renew the houseplants.
And a roadside find has me pondering redecorating the master bath. I picked up a bench with cast iron legs. A trip into Hobby Lobby with Mama resulted in my coming home with fabric to recover the bench...which just accidentally goes with the curtains and rugs I already have. I will be dying towels (they are perfectly good towels, just faded, so I got color remover and dye at Hobby Lobby), and the paint color I chose months ago is in the fabric as well.
Creatively I'm feeling very restless. I haven't had time to look at my work on the laptop, nor have I taken the time to go internet with it yet, but that will hopefully happen on Monday. I did scratch out an extra post this week at the Penny Ann blog. Now that's something I'm curious about...
I've had a consistent readership at the blog for the past two years. Suddenly this month, my readership base has dropped from 1500 a week to about half...Is it due to boredom with my limited posts? Am I in too much of a rut? Is it a temporary summer time lull due to gardens/schools/vacations? I find that though I felt Penny Ann was confining, I don't want to lose the opportunity to tell others of my love for the country/frugal/homekeeping life. I feel very much that as a God given inspiration it's a wonderful ministry tool to share my triumphs and my mistakes as I work in my home on a daily basis and struggle with budgets and meals and such.
I went premium on that blog but I don't see that I've netted a thing by doing so. I can't use the higher grade editing tools due to my computer having Vista instead of XP. And there's some screw-up with google adsense and the blog. Without premium I couldn't use google ad-sense, but when I signed up with google they said I had an account associated with my blog already. I've not earned a penny off that, that's for sure, which is why I went premium, thinking I could make it at least pay out a few pennies. I may end cancelling that at the end of the month if I can't figure it all out.
For balance, I admitted to myself that I needed a little more help in the house. My daughter is wanting to earn money towards a laptop. I need household helps. So, I've hired her to mop my house once a week for $5 a week. It's just two rooms that need to be mopped, but I never seem to get to it as often as I'd like and she's perfectly willing to add that to her bank account.
I'm also consistently asking her to do some household related chore every day. Unlike when her brothers and sister were all at home and the work was piled up regardless of my output of effort, with just the three of us, the house doesn't need the same level of labor. And so, for the most part, I've just done all the work by myself and not requested any help from her. I realized I've given her short shrift in some ways. She hasn't had responsibility of helping and has gotten a little selfish and lazy about things. Asking her to do a chore or two daily isn't a huge thing, but it's that little bit more time I allot myself to do other things I'd like to get done because I know she'll do whatever I ask, if I only ask.
My friend and I didn't have coffee yesterday. And I didn't offer her an alternative day. She was given an opportunity to go to work, unexpectedly and it happens that she has to work on Thursdays. If I can find a suitable time for us both, I'll make the offer, but until that occurs, we've left it off. My daughter has added Academic Bowl to her senior class load and will need a ride home two evenings a week. Not a problem, that's why I'm a stay at home mom, but it does make me mindful of adding too much to my plate with her additional needs of my time.
The most surprising revelation of the past two weeks has been a coming together of my husband and I on some heavy issues. His job had been up in the air again for nearly two months. We got an answer finally and there will be no more negotiations for the next three years. On the one hand, I'm glad of it. It's a lot easier to go along with things as they are than to face lots of changes that aren't necessarily welcome ones at this stage of life. But on the other hand, I was shocked at my grief over the idea that he might possibly not move into a new phase of life and start to live his inspired dream life. However, I also came to another realization: I can't change his life for him, I can't live his dreams for him and I can't make things happen for him. He has to do all those things himself in his own way, in order to have his own authentic dream life. I can only be there by his side to support him.
A second issue isn't resolved and isn't one I can discuss openly, but we've agreed on two forms of dealing with it. One of those is a sabbatical break to step back, look at the situation impassively, relax and stop battling. We're two soldiers taking a bit of R&R. And in the meantime, we've agreed to stop beating the horse.
And that is my report for week 9. Living life on my own terms, creatively inspired to have the best life I can make of it!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Being Honest Without Being Hurtful
Don't you just cringe when someone you know says, "Well I believe in being honest!" or "I tell it like it is..." right after a hurtful remark? I do. Back a few years ago, a person who made these statements might be called 'frank'. No matter what century we live in, it's tactless, rude and often meant to be hurtful and bring someone else down.
So after my friend contacted me requesting some of my time, I felt doubly burdened, both my her request and my need to define my boundaries and protect myself. And that led to avoidance, which is never nice or kind, especially among friends. When she contacted Katie later in the week to ask if she knew whether or not I'd gotten a message, I knew I had to face up to my responsibility...and stop trying to avoid working out how to balance yet another portion on my plate.
I was in prayer about how to handle the situation. Until I woke Sunday morning I didn't have a clue what to do. I could continue to avoid her, but that was dishonest. And it wasn't kind. She called me friend, I thought of her as a friend. As a Christian I was called to be different than I'd been thus far. Yet, as a human, I had to balance my limitations and my personal. Some gesture was required. I felt downright frustrated trying to figure out how to fit in her request.
Ultimately I was honest. I told her how full my plate was and how I'd struggled and that I'd avoided her request and why. Then I told her the rest of the story: I cherished her friendship and wanted to do what I could for her. The plan she'd suggested wouldn't work for me, but if we could meet on another date away from her home or mine (where interruptions would occur) I'd be more than happy to listen to her woes and in the meantime I'd pray for her and her situation.
Thankfully all this suited her splendidly, which I'm glad of. And had she said the date wouldn't work for her, I'd have apologized and left it at that, because I'd truly offered her the only available time I had.
It was hard to struggle through this situation. It really pointed up my need of determining what is important, what I can honestly give and how much is too much. Just telling this friend how strapped for time and personal space I was at the moment was freeing. I'd felt guilty, mean, selfish...
It seems like I'm on a huge learning journey at the moment. I never thought my 50th year would be such. I no sooner determine that I need to go in a certain direction than I am suddenly tested to see if I mean what I say. And the theme of this current learning season is definitely about boundaries, respecting my own and others boundaries, knowing how far is too far and when it's not far enough and when to tell others it's too much.
So after my friend contacted me requesting some of my time, I felt doubly burdened, both my her request and my need to define my boundaries and protect myself. And that led to avoidance, which is never nice or kind, especially among friends. When she contacted Katie later in the week to ask if she knew whether or not I'd gotten a message, I knew I had to face up to my responsibility...and stop trying to avoid working out how to balance yet another portion on my plate.
I was in prayer about how to handle the situation. Until I woke Sunday morning I didn't have a clue what to do. I could continue to avoid her, but that was dishonest. And it wasn't kind. She called me friend, I thought of her as a friend. As a Christian I was called to be different than I'd been thus far. Yet, as a human, I had to balance my limitations and my personal. Some gesture was required. I felt downright frustrated trying to figure out how to fit in her request.
Ultimately I was honest. I told her how full my plate was and how I'd struggled and that I'd avoided her request and why. Then I told her the rest of the story: I cherished her friendship and wanted to do what I could for her. The plan she'd suggested wouldn't work for me, but if we could meet on another date away from her home or mine (where interruptions would occur) I'd be more than happy to listen to her woes and in the meantime I'd pray for her and her situation.
Thankfully all this suited her splendidly, which I'm glad of. And had she said the date wouldn't work for her, I'd have apologized and left it at that, because I'd truly offered her the only available time I had.
It was hard to struggle through this situation. It really pointed up my need of determining what is important, what I can honestly give and how much is too much. Just telling this friend how strapped for time and personal space I was at the moment was freeing. I'd felt guilty, mean, selfish...
It seems like I'm on a huge learning journey at the moment. I never thought my 50th year would be such. I no sooner determine that I need to go in a certain direction than I am suddenly tested to see if I mean what I say. And the theme of this current learning season is definitely about boundaries, respecting my own and others boundaries, knowing how far is too far and when it's not far enough and when to tell others it's too much.
Had to share this...
Many a man curses the rain that falls upon his head, and knows not that it brings abundance to drive away the hunger. ~Basil
Friday, August 7, 2009
Giving Until It Hurts/ Where I Am/ Where I'm Going Week 8 Day 5
Wednesday was a tough day for me. It didn't start out tough. I was very mindful that the day would be a little stressful and tiring and so I made sure to rest well the night before, to read my Bible study for the day before leaving home. I was ready to go out and do what had to be done when I left home. But when I returned, I was weary, beyond tired. I wanted more than anything in this world to be alone, but my 17yo wanted to sit and chat all through the afternoon and early evening. And I didn't want to turn away from her, because she's 17 and they don't want Mama that often at that age. So I sat and listened and nodded and chatted as required.
Later I read emails and came across one from a friend, asking me to give her time to talk things over, she was feeling lost and having a hard time and needed me to talk to...and I felt pure dread come over me.
Dear husband called and I could hear his weariness in his voice. I'd bought an ice shaver that afternoon and I planned how I'd make him a tall glass of shaved ice and serve his soda with it when he came in from work, a nice surprise for him, since that is a favorite summer treat. He too required boosting up. I wanted to write in my journal, but I stopped writing each time he spoke and let him talk and talk. I wasn't even feeling frustrated with him or DD, which should have been a warning signal to me but somehow it wasn't.
And then it happened. DH got frustrated with something silly, lost his cool, went off to his music room. DD was in her room sulking over a necessary duty. And there I was feeling downright pained. Not hurt, mind you, but physically feeling internal pain. I decided to go to our room and lie down and read. I forced myself to stay awake when what I really wanted was to go to sleep. So when Dh came in later, still weary in spirit, and began to talk over all of his concerns I felt as though I were being battered. I'd gone right down to empty and beyond and there was nothing left in me to give.
Tears began to trace their way down my cheeks and I wasn't sobbing, I just couldn't stop 'leaking'. DH grew concerned and urged me to talk it out but how can you tell someone "I've been giving all day long and no one has given to me?" It sounds horrible, true though it may be. And no matter how I might feel, there's an acute awareness inside that for me this is all part and parcel of perio/meno pause (I can't decide what state I'm in) thingy.
I was awake into the wee hours with tears coursing down my cheeks. I couldn't change a thing for anyone in my life, but I'd listened and listened and listened all day long: to Granny, to Katie, to Mama and to Jon, all pouring out concerns and frustrations and hurts and upsets.
I have to learn to somehow claim time for myself in these days of dealing with all these needs at once. There's a balance beam to be walked and I keep misstepping and falling off. Katie goes back to school next week, Jon will be at work, then has two days of classes. I have avoided letting anyone know that I have the possibility of two whole days ahead when I might have two blocks of time all alone.
You see, I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll finally have time alone, because it seldom works out that way. Just as I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll have a week to be at home, without a duty outside to call me away. It hasn't happened in months and months on end now. This week is a prime example. I thought I had only two days when I had to be away. Instead I've had one day at home. ONE.
Well, it's obviously an area I need to deeply consider and pray about. An area where I need to be more assertive and yes, even aggressive at times. Which may be why when I was asked today if I was looking for a job, my first thought was panic "How can I fit it in?" and my second thought was to laugh, which I did and say "No!" before considering that I might really ought to discuss the subject with my husband first and then give an answer.
Where I Am: I've made a little headway in the past month. I hit four points that I wanted to work on last month.
I started out with the more intimate side of marriage. I have been better for the most part about resting so that I am more receptive. Just from what was written above you can see I still have to work on the balance of give and take. That too would be a great bonus for the intimacy of marriage. I have to be more open to letting others know when I need to be listened to, filled up, boosted, or just require refueling time. I didn't tell a single person I was battle weary. I just went right ahead until I couldn't stop the breakdown that came.
I claimed my computer! Yes, I did. Mind you I haven't touched it in a week now, because I simply haven't had time. But it's my intention to get interfaced for internet on Monday. From that point forward, I will connect to the internet through my computer and use it exclusively while writing/working/researching etc. when I'm home alone. As well, I'll be able to take it with me to other venues to use. And this afternoon, I'm going to start loading my favorite music CDs onto it so I can hear my choice of music when I'm working offline.
I haven't lost an ounce, not one pound. I have tried to be mindful of the need to eat more vegetables and fruits. And yes, I did make good on my promise to fill up on those higher fiber things first before eating the 'good' stuff. That's actually meant that a few times, I've eaten less of a higher calorie item or had no snack because I was still full from meals. Not a bad thing. I think it's far better to eat a salad and two veg and a protein serving and skip the second scoop of banana pudding ice cream, lol. I haven't yet made the 5-7 servings goal but I'm hitting 4-5 consistently every day and that is a lot better than in the past.
Financially I can once again claim we are debt free. We talked and talked about how to accomplish this. For months we've paid multiple payments at once on that loan to pay it off ahead of time. We were under $1500 after the last payment. But there's no denying that it was a budget stretcher with all the other hits we've taken over the summer and our account balances were dwindling rapidly. We decided to use a portion of our savings to pay off the loan and give ourselves some much needed wiggle room.
I've also been considering purchases carefully. This month is always a good time to shop clearance racks. Toys, clothes, shoes, home goods all seem to be at the lowest level they will be for the whole year. I usually keep a list of needs and wants. I get more bang for our bucks in August and knock out around 2/3 of our Christmas shopping in this month alone.
So far I'm pretty much outfitted for late summer and autumn. I've added a few gifts to the Christmas drawer. I've stocked up on some non perishable items. And I'm still well within my spending allowance.
Where I'm Going:
The month ahead should have goals too, I think. And so I'd like to tackle these areas:
Balance. I want to be more assertive about achieving balance in my life. When I'm tired I want to rest. When I'm running low on boosting power, I want to make time to refuel. When I've been with people for hours and hours and I need to be alone, I want to take an hour for myself. Instead of pushing myself so very hard to be ON all the time, I want to learn to recognize my needs and meet them. No one else knows when I've had too much.
$100 Makeover. I shared how back years and years ago I took $100 and went to the makeup counter and splurged, at a time in my life when I could ill afford to do so. Well that's not the case any longer, but I don't necessarily want to spend $100 at one stop. What I do want to do is allow myself the time and money to go get a really good haircut (am actively looking for a new style now). I'm not locked into a hairstylist at present either, so I'm shopping there, too.
I'll also take myself off to the makeup counter at one of the mall stores to get a makeover. I'll probably not purchase all the products used (likely just one and that the least expensive item). I'll do like I do always: head out to the discount stores and buy the closest matches I can find. But I'd really like to see what someone else's vision of me is like. How would a professional play up my eyes? What color blush would she use for someone with my coloring?
And third in this category: I need some good supportive bras. The last two I bought were an absolute waste of money. New ones would give mea much needed 'boost'. Enough said on that.
Now if all these items don't cost $100, then so much the better. But I thought I'd just put a ceiling on it for budgetary benefits.
Home: I want my home to look as well cared for on the outside as I try to keep it inside. And I have a few tasks to do inside as well.
I've put off some tasks for far too long. I need to finish upholstering a chair that I started last autumn before Mama fell and broke her ankle. The seat cushion needs to be sewn up. I need fringe around the bottom.
I need to repot several houseplants. I have the soil. I have the pots. I just need to do it.
I have to get the front porch and back deck washed off and ready for painting. They both need to be cleaned really well. And the stuff that's accumulated over the last few months needs to be removed and both areas just generally made to be pretty once more. I need to buy a water hose, my old one is worthless.
I need to buy the paint and get that front door painted. It's had a patch of paint on it where I tested out a pot last year...and that's it. It really needs to be done. And while I'm at it, I'll buy another gallon of white paint for porch and deck railings.
Finances: I have accumulated quite a lot of stuff over the last few years. Some were collections that moved me heart and soul and no longer cause my heart to skip a beat. Some are perfectly good clothing pieces that I've tired of or can no longer wear due to weight gain. Both need to go. I could donate to Goodwill but I am sure I can easily sell them on eBay and plan to try to do so. I'll be more businesslike about how I use eBay this time around (having learned quite a lot during the two years I actively sold online) and since I'm not going to be purchasing stuff for resale, I don't have to claim a single penny earned as taxable income. Proceeds could be used to pay for Christmas gifts, or put aside for a possible vacation.
Hey, I'm going to be an entreprenuer, again!
Physical body. On my list of things to buy: a variety of vitamin and mineral supplements that I keep reading over and over again I need to be taking for maximum health and weight loss: Vitamin D, Chromium, Magnesium, Zinc. Too many of us these days get too little Vitamin B, iodine (especially if you're use sea salt and don't eat fish). I've been taking note of recommendations.
One thing I did take away from Weight Watchers (despite my lack of weight loss) was that what we 'see' as a portion and the actual measurement of a portion are often at variance. Our counselor had several of us pour out a bowl of cereal to the level we were certain was the serving size of 1 cup (and some cereals don't even allow that much!). On average, we poured out 2 servings... I've often heard that it isn't just what we eat but how much of it we eat. And to that end, I want to learn the concept of portions. Gracious there isn't a thing we buy that doesn't come with a nutritional statement on it these days (except loose fruits and vegs and I can look those up online or in any good cookbook).
And finally in this area I want to try an experiment. This is something my mom has done with great success. She eats a good breakfast each morning, a hearty breakfast. Then she eats dinner midday. For her evening meal she eats light. A bowl of cereal, cottage cheese and fruit, or yogurt, and occasionally soup. The average serving of cereal is 100 calories and the same for a cup of soup. Even if you ate two servings of either one, you'd be eating less calories than the average meal. And those fewer calories will be entering your system at a time of day when you'll naturally be using up fewer calories.
So that's my set of goals to reach for over the coming month... I'm excited to get started!
Later I read emails and came across one from a friend, asking me to give her time to talk things over, she was feeling lost and having a hard time and needed me to talk to...and I felt pure dread come over me.
Dear husband called and I could hear his weariness in his voice. I'd bought an ice shaver that afternoon and I planned how I'd make him a tall glass of shaved ice and serve his soda with it when he came in from work, a nice surprise for him, since that is a favorite summer treat. He too required boosting up. I wanted to write in my journal, but I stopped writing each time he spoke and let him talk and talk. I wasn't even feeling frustrated with him or DD, which should have been a warning signal to me but somehow it wasn't.
And then it happened. DH got frustrated with something silly, lost his cool, went off to his music room. DD was in her room sulking over a necessary duty. And there I was feeling downright pained. Not hurt, mind you, but physically feeling internal pain. I decided to go to our room and lie down and read. I forced myself to stay awake when what I really wanted was to go to sleep. So when Dh came in later, still weary in spirit, and began to talk over all of his concerns I felt as though I were being battered. I'd gone right down to empty and beyond and there was nothing left in me to give.
Tears began to trace their way down my cheeks and I wasn't sobbing, I just couldn't stop 'leaking'. DH grew concerned and urged me to talk it out but how can you tell someone "I've been giving all day long and no one has given to me?" It sounds horrible, true though it may be. And no matter how I might feel, there's an acute awareness inside that for me this is all part and parcel of perio/meno pause (I can't decide what state I'm in) thingy.
I was awake into the wee hours with tears coursing down my cheeks. I couldn't change a thing for anyone in my life, but I'd listened and listened and listened all day long: to Granny, to Katie, to Mama and to Jon, all pouring out concerns and frustrations and hurts and upsets.
I have to learn to somehow claim time for myself in these days of dealing with all these needs at once. There's a balance beam to be walked and I keep misstepping and falling off. Katie goes back to school next week, Jon will be at work, then has two days of classes. I have avoided letting anyone know that I have the possibility of two whole days ahead when I might have two blocks of time all alone.
You see, I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll finally have time alone, because it seldom works out that way. Just as I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll have a week to be at home, without a duty outside to call me away. It hasn't happened in months and months on end now. This week is a prime example. I thought I had only two days when I had to be away. Instead I've had one day at home. ONE.
Well, it's obviously an area I need to deeply consider and pray about. An area where I need to be more assertive and yes, even aggressive at times. Which may be why when I was asked today if I was looking for a job, my first thought was panic "How can I fit it in?" and my second thought was to laugh, which I did and say "No!" before considering that I might really ought to discuss the subject with my husband first and then give an answer.
Where I Am: I've made a little headway in the past month. I hit four points that I wanted to work on last month.
I started out with the more intimate side of marriage. I have been better for the most part about resting so that I am more receptive. Just from what was written above you can see I still have to work on the balance of give and take. That too would be a great bonus for the intimacy of marriage. I have to be more open to letting others know when I need to be listened to, filled up, boosted, or just require refueling time. I didn't tell a single person I was battle weary. I just went right ahead until I couldn't stop the breakdown that came.
I claimed my computer! Yes, I did. Mind you I haven't touched it in a week now, because I simply haven't had time. But it's my intention to get interfaced for internet on Monday. From that point forward, I will connect to the internet through my computer and use it exclusively while writing/working/researching etc. when I'm home alone. As well, I'll be able to take it with me to other venues to use. And this afternoon, I'm going to start loading my favorite music CDs onto it so I can hear my choice of music when I'm working offline.
I haven't lost an ounce, not one pound. I have tried to be mindful of the need to eat more vegetables and fruits. And yes, I did make good on my promise to fill up on those higher fiber things first before eating the 'good' stuff. That's actually meant that a few times, I've eaten less of a higher calorie item or had no snack because I was still full from meals. Not a bad thing. I think it's far better to eat a salad and two veg and a protein serving and skip the second scoop of banana pudding ice cream, lol. I haven't yet made the 5-7 servings goal but I'm hitting 4-5 consistently every day and that is a lot better than in the past.
Financially I can once again claim we are debt free. We talked and talked about how to accomplish this. For months we've paid multiple payments at once on that loan to pay it off ahead of time. We were under $1500 after the last payment. But there's no denying that it was a budget stretcher with all the other hits we've taken over the summer and our account balances were dwindling rapidly. We decided to use a portion of our savings to pay off the loan and give ourselves some much needed wiggle room.
I've also been considering purchases carefully. This month is always a good time to shop clearance racks. Toys, clothes, shoes, home goods all seem to be at the lowest level they will be for the whole year. I usually keep a list of needs and wants. I get more bang for our bucks in August and knock out around 2/3 of our Christmas shopping in this month alone.
So far I'm pretty much outfitted for late summer and autumn. I've added a few gifts to the Christmas drawer. I've stocked up on some non perishable items. And I'm still well within my spending allowance.
Where I'm Going:
The month ahead should have goals too, I think. And so I'd like to tackle these areas:
Balance. I want to be more assertive about achieving balance in my life. When I'm tired I want to rest. When I'm running low on boosting power, I want to make time to refuel. When I've been with people for hours and hours and I need to be alone, I want to take an hour for myself. Instead of pushing myself so very hard to be ON all the time, I want to learn to recognize my needs and meet them. No one else knows when I've had too much.
$100 Makeover. I shared how back years and years ago I took $100 and went to the makeup counter and splurged, at a time in my life when I could ill afford to do so. Well that's not the case any longer, but I don't necessarily want to spend $100 at one stop. What I do want to do is allow myself the time and money to go get a really good haircut (am actively looking for a new style now). I'm not locked into a hairstylist at present either, so I'm shopping there, too.
I'll also take myself off to the makeup counter at one of the mall stores to get a makeover. I'll probably not purchase all the products used (likely just one and that the least expensive item). I'll do like I do always: head out to the discount stores and buy the closest matches I can find. But I'd really like to see what someone else's vision of me is like. How would a professional play up my eyes? What color blush would she use for someone with my coloring?
And third in this category: I need some good supportive bras. The last two I bought were an absolute waste of money. New ones would give mea much needed 'boost'. Enough said on that.
Now if all these items don't cost $100, then so much the better. But I thought I'd just put a ceiling on it for budgetary benefits.
Home: I want my home to look as well cared for on the outside as I try to keep it inside. And I have a few tasks to do inside as well.
I've put off some tasks for far too long. I need to finish upholstering a chair that I started last autumn before Mama fell and broke her ankle. The seat cushion needs to be sewn up. I need fringe around the bottom.
I need to repot several houseplants. I have the soil. I have the pots. I just need to do it.
I have to get the front porch and back deck washed off and ready for painting. They both need to be cleaned really well. And the stuff that's accumulated over the last few months needs to be removed and both areas just generally made to be pretty once more. I need to buy a water hose, my old one is worthless.
I need to buy the paint and get that front door painted. It's had a patch of paint on it where I tested out a pot last year...and that's it. It really needs to be done. And while I'm at it, I'll buy another gallon of white paint for porch and deck railings.
Finances: I have accumulated quite a lot of stuff over the last few years. Some were collections that moved me heart and soul and no longer cause my heart to skip a beat. Some are perfectly good clothing pieces that I've tired of or can no longer wear due to weight gain. Both need to go. I could donate to Goodwill but I am sure I can easily sell them on eBay and plan to try to do so. I'll be more businesslike about how I use eBay this time around (having learned quite a lot during the two years I actively sold online) and since I'm not going to be purchasing stuff for resale, I don't have to claim a single penny earned as taxable income. Proceeds could be used to pay for Christmas gifts, or put aside for a possible vacation.
Hey, I'm going to be an entreprenuer, again!
Physical body. On my list of things to buy: a variety of vitamin and mineral supplements that I keep reading over and over again I need to be taking for maximum health and weight loss: Vitamin D, Chromium, Magnesium, Zinc. Too many of us these days get too little Vitamin B, iodine (especially if you're use sea salt and don't eat fish). I've been taking note of recommendations.
One thing I did take away from Weight Watchers (despite my lack of weight loss) was that what we 'see' as a portion and the actual measurement of a portion are often at variance. Our counselor had several of us pour out a bowl of cereal to the level we were certain was the serving size of 1 cup (and some cereals don't even allow that much!). On average, we poured out 2 servings... I've often heard that it isn't just what we eat but how much of it we eat. And to that end, I want to learn the concept of portions. Gracious there isn't a thing we buy that doesn't come with a nutritional statement on it these days (except loose fruits and vegs and I can look those up online or in any good cookbook).
And finally in this area I want to try an experiment. This is something my mom has done with great success. She eats a good breakfast each morning, a hearty breakfast. Then she eats dinner midday. For her evening meal she eats light. A bowl of cereal, cottage cheese and fruit, or yogurt, and occasionally soup. The average serving of cereal is 100 calories and the same for a cup of soup. Even if you ate two servings of either one, you'd be eating less calories than the average meal. And those fewer calories will be entering your system at a time of day when you'll naturally be using up fewer calories.
So that's my set of goals to reach for over the coming month... I'm excited to get started!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Do You Think You Can?
Have any of you seen the series on Style channel called "Ruby"? This woman, Ruby, has been on a journey of weight loss and self discovery. Her highest weight, 750 pounds. Her current weight, (or at least as of the episode I just watched Sunday evening), 333 pounds. Ruby determined to overhaul her life. And frankly, I've been fascinated as everything with the series.
It's a reality based program. The camera crew comes in and shoots the day to day life of this woman. We see her eating, sleeping, embracing change while fearing it, doing things she's never done before, facing old demons and overcoming them. And I am enthralled.
Why? Because even though some of the programs aren't at all earthshattering in their content, every now and then there's a gem of wisdom that I snatch up and call mine as well. Like the episode where her old boyfriend showed up and she realized that she wanted to be in love with herself, more than she wanted to be in love with him...
Or last week's episode where she decided that she had to take charge of her own health instead of relying solely on experts chosen by someone else. So Ruby went out and found personal trainers and interviewed them and worked out with them . One guy (she ended up not choosing to be her personal trainer), encouraged her in the trial session to get on a bicycle and ride. Ruby was certain she couldn't do it, but tried anyway and found she could indeed ride a real bike, not just a stationary bike. She's now incorporated bike riding into her fitness routine. What she sought she finally found in a husband and wife team: a healthy work out that was fun, not a boring routine.
Now for honesty time. I once weighed more than Ruby weighs presently. I lost a bit on my own, then went to Weight Watchers for a year and lost a total of 12 pounds in 12 months...before breaking down and following Atkins for two years. I lost and kept off a total of about 40 pounds with Atkins, until I tired of the restrictive eating and the plateau and began eating what I wanted and gained 20 pounds.
I am not full of self loathing. I overcame that a long time ago. I've pretty much accepted that I'm never going to be one of those models with 6 pack abs or a body free of scars and stretch marks. I mean, I've faced reality. Even if I were 100 pounds lighter, I'd still be pear shaped. That's my body type. It isn't going to change. But as accepting as I am of who I am and my body shape and all that, I do want to lose weight. And here's why: I'm wearing an old set of clothes.
It's not the material clothing I'm talking about. It's my body. This body, this weight, was the result of a lot of pain and hurt, of literally growing a thicker skin to get through the hard times. It doesn't fit me anymore. It isn't suited to a woman who is happy, truly happy, confident, secure. It's better suited to an introverted, unhappy person than it is to who I am today.
As well, this body limits me physically. Twenty years ago, I could move more easily than I can now. I have more pain. And twenty pounds ago hurt less than what I currently weigh, too, just in case there was any doubt in my mind of the weight/pain connection. Obviously I miss the mobility I had twenty years ago, before car accident and age combined to decrease my ability to move freely.
Watching Ruby ride that bike, I saw a look of joy on her face. A freedom. She'd rediscovered something she'd thought it wasn't possible for her to enjoy again. And I wanted that same joy once more.
I told my husband I wanted a bike and he laughed. He wasn't being mean or cruel. He laughed because we live on a hill. This would definitely be a challenge. He didn't deny that I might well manage my way downhill, and even on the flat driveway at the bottom of the hill. But coming up hill? He just didn't think I could do that. Mind you, when Ruby is riding her bike along the streets near her home, they are level. No hills.
Well maybe riding a bike would be an uphill challenge, no pun intended...but surely there are other activities I might attempt which would be healthful, which would bring pleasure? I'll be the first to attest that I am not one of those folks who will walk miles or do a thousand repetitions of exercise just for the joy of the burn. I don't like exercise without purpose. Put me out at the mall and I'll walk until I can't go a step further, enjoying looking into windows and gathering inspiration as I stroll. Put me on the beach and I can walk miles, just looking at the ocean and thinking deep thoughts or talking over plans for our future with my husband. Walk for the express purpose of saying I did 'x' miles...forget it. I've got other things I could be doing with that time. That's just my mind set. But to have fun? I could do that.
And I guess that's what I really want to find. A way to have fun that incidentally will make me more physically fit. Not living near the ocean nor a mall, I'm at a slight disadvantage. Walking across our uneven ground tends to put me in more physical pain than I can bear. But I'm here to tell you right now that I am going to keep my eye open for a bicycle. I'm thinking I might just manage it, hill and all. And in the meantime, maybe I'll look around for another way to have a little fun, like learn a few dance routines or jump rope, or get a little trampoline to jog in place upon...Those sound like fun, too.
This 70 week Inspired living challenge isn't about focusing on just one area of my life, but on all aspects, including the physical side. If I come to the end of it without losing one pound that's okay, but if I come out the other side having gotten a little more physically fit, a little more mobile and stronger, then that's wonderful. And who knows what the end result might be if I just think that I can do it?
It's a reality based program. The camera crew comes in and shoots the day to day life of this woman. We see her eating, sleeping, embracing change while fearing it, doing things she's never done before, facing old demons and overcoming them. And I am enthralled.
Why? Because even though some of the programs aren't at all earthshattering in their content, every now and then there's a gem of wisdom that I snatch up and call mine as well. Like the episode where her old boyfriend showed up and she realized that she wanted to be in love with herself, more than she wanted to be in love with him...
Or last week's episode where she decided that she had to take charge of her own health instead of relying solely on experts chosen by someone else. So Ruby went out and found personal trainers and interviewed them and worked out with them . One guy (she ended up not choosing to be her personal trainer), encouraged her in the trial session to get on a bicycle and ride. Ruby was certain she couldn't do it, but tried anyway and found she could indeed ride a real bike, not just a stationary bike. She's now incorporated bike riding into her fitness routine. What she sought she finally found in a husband and wife team: a healthy work out that was fun, not a boring routine.
Now for honesty time. I once weighed more than Ruby weighs presently. I lost a bit on my own, then went to Weight Watchers for a year and lost a total of 12 pounds in 12 months...before breaking down and following Atkins for two years. I lost and kept off a total of about 40 pounds with Atkins, until I tired of the restrictive eating and the plateau and began eating what I wanted and gained 20 pounds.
I am not full of self loathing. I overcame that a long time ago. I've pretty much accepted that I'm never going to be one of those models with 6 pack abs or a body free of scars and stretch marks. I mean, I've faced reality. Even if I were 100 pounds lighter, I'd still be pear shaped. That's my body type. It isn't going to change. But as accepting as I am of who I am and my body shape and all that, I do want to lose weight. And here's why: I'm wearing an old set of clothes.
It's not the material clothing I'm talking about. It's my body. This body, this weight, was the result of a lot of pain and hurt, of literally growing a thicker skin to get through the hard times. It doesn't fit me anymore. It isn't suited to a woman who is happy, truly happy, confident, secure. It's better suited to an introverted, unhappy person than it is to who I am today.
As well, this body limits me physically. Twenty years ago, I could move more easily than I can now. I have more pain. And twenty pounds ago hurt less than what I currently weigh, too, just in case there was any doubt in my mind of the weight/pain connection. Obviously I miss the mobility I had twenty years ago, before car accident and age combined to decrease my ability to move freely.
Watching Ruby ride that bike, I saw a look of joy on her face. A freedom. She'd rediscovered something she'd thought it wasn't possible for her to enjoy again. And I wanted that same joy once more.
I told my husband I wanted a bike and he laughed. He wasn't being mean or cruel. He laughed because we live on a hill. This would definitely be a challenge. He didn't deny that I might well manage my way downhill, and even on the flat driveway at the bottom of the hill. But coming up hill? He just didn't think I could do that. Mind you, when Ruby is riding her bike along the streets near her home, they are level. No hills.
Well maybe riding a bike would be an uphill challenge, no pun intended...but surely there are other activities I might attempt which would be healthful, which would bring pleasure? I'll be the first to attest that I am not one of those folks who will walk miles or do a thousand repetitions of exercise just for the joy of the burn. I don't like exercise without purpose. Put me out at the mall and I'll walk until I can't go a step further, enjoying looking into windows and gathering inspiration as I stroll. Put me on the beach and I can walk miles, just looking at the ocean and thinking deep thoughts or talking over plans for our future with my husband. Walk for the express purpose of saying I did 'x' miles...forget it. I've got other things I could be doing with that time. That's just my mind set. But to have fun? I could do that.
And I guess that's what I really want to find. A way to have fun that incidentally will make me more physically fit. Not living near the ocean nor a mall, I'm at a slight disadvantage. Walking across our uneven ground tends to put me in more physical pain than I can bear. But I'm here to tell you right now that I am going to keep my eye open for a bicycle. I'm thinking I might just manage it, hill and all. And in the meantime, maybe I'll look around for another way to have a little fun, like learn a few dance routines or jump rope, or get a little trampoline to jog in place upon...Those sound like fun, too.
This 70 week Inspired living challenge isn't about focusing on just one area of my life, but on all aspects, including the physical side. If I come to the end of it without losing one pound that's okay, but if I come out the other side having gotten a little more physically fit, a little more mobile and stronger, then that's wonderful. And who knows what the end result might be if I just think that I can do it?
Week 8 Day 2 - Rainfall
A few years ago I realized that these times when everything that can go wrong does are seasons, passages of time that occur in every life. Seasons are not permanent. Just as Spring becomes Summer and Summer turns into Autumn and Autumn into Winter; we have seasons in our lives: of frustration, of being alone, of joy, and wonder, etc. etc.
One thing all seasons have in common: sunshine and rain. Perhaps not in equal measure every time, but both are present some of the time. Seldom do we go through an entire season without one or the other.
Currently our earthly season is summer. Where spring was a bit dry and a little too full of sunshine and wind, summer has brought a nice measure of rain. Right now, looking out over my lawn, I see green grass, new grass recently grown. Two months ago, the lawn was dry, brown and parched. The combination of rain and sunshine brought forth that new growth.
And looking at that green lawn, I've realized something that had eluded me until now...I need the rain in my life, these seasons of frustration and hurt that sometimes come along. I need them so that when the sun shines, I can grow and be fresh and new once more. Suddenly the idea of praying for rain takes on a whole new meaning to me. I pray that I remember in the midst of a season of blessings, to pray for rain, so that I can grow in those wonderful, "all is right with my world" times as well as through the troubled seasons.
One thing all seasons have in common: sunshine and rain. Perhaps not in equal measure every time, but both are present some of the time. Seldom do we go through an entire season without one or the other.
Currently our earthly season is summer. Where spring was a bit dry and a little too full of sunshine and wind, summer has brought a nice measure of rain. Right now, looking out over my lawn, I see green grass, new grass recently grown. Two months ago, the lawn was dry, brown and parched. The combination of rain and sunshine brought forth that new growth.
And looking at that green lawn, I've realized something that had eluded me until now...I need the rain in my life, these seasons of frustration and hurt that sometimes come along. I need them so that when the sun shines, I can grow and be fresh and new once more. Suddenly the idea of praying for rain takes on a whole new meaning to me. I pray that I remember in the midst of a season of blessings, to pray for rain, so that I can grow in those wonderful, "all is right with my world" times as well as through the troubled seasons.
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