The last day of October finds many of us with a longer than usual to do list, which stretches from here until New Year's Day. I have long added yet another item to my annual holiday list: an annual review and summing up of the year past. I'll begin that work this coming week by reading my list of goals for last year, my journal entries and blog posts. It might seem onerous to some, but I usually use my downtime in the evenings to do this review work. It's a way of forcing myself to slow down and keep the holiday work limited to the work day hours.
Frankly this year has been a huge challenge, and I hardly need the journal or blog entries to remember where I've been. What I don't remember at all however is where I began! I don't recall what my goals were. I just know without doubt that this year has been difficult, challenging and most definitely a learning experience. Nothing has gone off as planned.
But as my husband and I discussed last night, as difficult as the year has been, we have been blessed time and again with one unexpected thing after another. It never pays to look only at the hardships in our lives. We have to continually be on the lookout for the beautiful, the unexpected, the miraculous and the wonderful.
This past month, and for three months prior, I repeatedly voiced complaints about our lack of finances for a vacation this year. I have to say now that this October ended being the most restful, peaceful, relaxing 'vacation' we've ever experienced. I am still in wonder at this. Not to say that I am willing to give up the idea of future travel during our vacation but simply that I really have been forced to admit yet another time that my idea/concept was shattered. I am very judgemental. And time and again this has proven to be an opportunity for me to learn to be more open and less rigid in my thinking.
Another interesting coversation took place this week between my husband and myself. I can't remember just how we came to this particular discussion, but we began to talk about difficult periods in our marriage whne we felt certain we might just possibly not make it. Curiously we each cited a different period and time frame. And frankly we were both surprised, neither of us having been aware at that point that the other had serious doubts/unhappiness going on.
One of my favorite conversations with my husband took place on a date when he took my hand, looked at me lovingly and asked "Soooo, how are things going in your life?" It might sound an odd opener but it took my breath away. It told me clearly that this man was attuned to that secret underlying life that exists in the minds of every individual. At that point we'd been married ten years and we were hardly shy about sharing our angsts, joys and emotions. And needless to say it opened the evening up to a wonderful time of being intimate on a whole different level.
As did this conversation earlier this week. It might well be a scary discussion to have with your partner. It definitely is not a conversation to have if you are rife with insecurities. However, this conversation did not alarm me in that sense. Instead it pointed up the fact that even after 17 years with a man, you can still not know him fully, nor can he fully know you. It's that element of mystery about each other that lends intrigue and interest.
I think also that we both realized that crisis in a marriage isn't always a 'couple' thing. It is at times personal and has little to do with the marriage and a great deal to do with unhappiness in the individual. What changed things at those two points? I can't answer for my husband. I don't know. For myself it happened to be a conversation with an outsider, someone who knew us well enough to voice an opinion. I confided to him my unhappiness and inability to see a clear path to a future if situations in our lives didn't change. He expressed such dismay and such faith in our rightness for one another that I stopped to re-examine my thoughts. He rightly pointed out that the current situation wasn't going to be 'forever'. And needless to say in six months our lives had taken another turn and we were in a better place. I've often silently thanked this friend for listening and giving me his opinion. Had he not, I might well have made a serious error in my life!
I think October has without a doubt been as difficult as any of the other months of this past year. In many ways I am so ready to be done with this year! Yet, I have to admit that the whole year has been a long and wonderful learning time. For now I'll try to review what I did manage of my October goals and lay out a few for the month to come.
October Goals:
#1 Changing my attitude about change: I am sure there's a great deal more work to be done in this area. That is usually the result of determination to change, finding that the root of the problem must be worked out in order to completely rid ourselves of the whole. That's not a bad thing, but it does sometimes become tedious. I learned this month that I need to be more open to change.
The truth is that the changes that have taken place in our lives this month have actually opened up our lives to a lot of joy, brought about a great deal of peace, and allowed us to step into an opportunity to learn a great deal.
#2 Staycation: Nothing about my husband's time off went as planned, lol! Talk about one goal leading into another, but my desire to change my attitude about change was certainly tested to the max with this decision to 'enjoy it despite it'. As I wrote earlier in this post, this vacation time was one of the most relaxing, most beneficial we've had since our vacation in the mountain cabin a couple of years ago. I astonished my husband this past week when I told him that this vacation ended being just what I needed.
#3 Grocery budget: Our pantry and freezer are lower than they've been in years. The empty spaces bother me. I started this challenge with the intention of freeing finances for other things, things that would enhance an inspired life. It's interesting that while I struggle with weight issues I also bump against the 'security' of having whole foods on hand. I grew up with a family that gardened and preserved and froze. Food storage was always a safety blanket so to speak...Well the budget is lowered but it has definitely brought forth other issues! I ended the two pay periods with a total spending of $480. I'd say overall we're eating less in many ways because we're eating single servings, getting more vegetables and fruits. I'm cooking more from scratch than ever. Often one meal prep benefits us with two meals. Had I not splurged with the deli foods, steak and pricier homemade entrees (lasagna is not a cheap dish to make!) we might well have been nearer $425 for the month, but I have no hard regrets concerning the overage.
Those were essentially the goals I made for October, purposely keeping them less detailed than in months past simply because it had been such a difficult time in September.
November goals:
#1Enjoy myself. Holidays begin this month. In the past holidays have always brought with them certain amounts of angst and family issues and a plethora of guilt. This year, I am determined to forgo that entirely. I've spent a long year dealing with family issues. I am frankly tired of family issues,lol! So why spoil my holidays with guilt over spending money I don't have on gifts that won't please, agonize over my desire to have family and friends times combined while dealing with being tugged like an old shoe between two puppies, work schedules that don't allow for the 'real' family time etc. Truly there is nothing I can change about these issues, except my attitude. (October goal revisited!). I want to just enjoy the season. I want to enjoy the shopping/the preparations for giving/ the foods we enjoy only at this time of year. Organization will help with some of the issues. Lists of gifts to be bought or made, of items needed both food and otherwise, address lists for Christmas cards, etc.
I plan to make ahead several cookie doughs and put in the freezer (after all the thing is so empty I've plenty of room! I'll go ahead and start gathering boxes and tins for cookie gifting. I'll check my decorations (which we start putting up on Thanksgiving evening) and gift wraps. Make gift tags (love the creative time this allows) and make notes about ribbons needed.
I have financial limitations and a long list of people whom I wish to gift. I will not put financial strain on myself or my family however. Now if I found it a strain to manage pantry/freezer stock on a reduced budget how can I possibly manage the holidays. I'm going to increase my budget for the next two months to $500 to allow for the food specialities we normally enjoy. I will however be looking for items on sale BEFORE the two main holiday meal weeks both months.
I am also scrapping my 'lose weight' idea. As much as I long to reduce my weight, I am going to remove that pressure for the coming two months. I will continue to try to move more, to eat whole foods and keep up my vegetable/fruit intake. I am not planning to have a 'free for all' attitude either. But since my weight has remained stable for the past several months, I see no reason to add food guilt to an otherwise foody holiday.
And most of all, I will NOT allow myself to agonize over what parts of the holiday I might miss. I can't do it all. I can only do a certain amount and I want to enjoy the parts I CAN take part in. I can't bring my family and my friends together. I have to choose one part or the other (and that choice has already been made in part, since Mama put in her bid extra early this year).
#2 Let the creative juices flow. This time frame offers a wonderful time to really let creativity flow. Gift tags, gift boxes, table arrangments, gifts, recipes, clothing...You name it and nearly every day can be a creative feast. I've always found doing crafts and decorating the house as a wonderful impetus to creative writing. I'll try to keep a list of ideas that come across my mind this month for future writings.
I also plan to take at least one of my 70-mi radius trips this month. That is in anticipation that things in my home will slow down a wee bit now...I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one! I don't know if I can mange it or not. I don't want to force it, I want it to happen naturally perhaps in combination with shopping or creative inspiration.
#3 End of year summary. This is a must and will begin tomorrow, November 1.
#4 Stock up the pantry and freezer. It goes against everything in me to have my freezer and pantry so empty. I will say that in the past I've often stocked things in bulk that we seldom would eat. I want to really have a 'do-over' and choose foods that we truly will eat, normally eat, and not so much of the things we seldom eat as I have at times in the past. We seldom eat frozen fruit, so why am I am buying it? Ditto with canned green beans. We generally eat fresh or frozen. So there's some rethinking to be done, some adjustments to make. As well I plan to try to trim the budget by creatively using those things we typically don't eat and have on hand (another opportunity to use that creative thinking mind!).
#5 Get my lists made. Timelines for mailing packages, recipients, menus, etc. I have a plethora of lists to make to help keep me organized. That too will start soon...Today!
And so I end the month of October. Not the month I planned when I started my 70 weeks of Living Inspired, but certainly an inspiring month all the same. Here's to November!
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