Well...I've had an odd Thanksgiving. Not the tv variety family day at all, but then I didn't expect that exactly. So why do I feel so let down and a little hurt and very much as though I were all alone?
I wanted this day to be something more. But here we have it. It's Thanksgiving and the day I've had is the day I've had. Which carries me full throttle back to one of my goals for this month: Enjoy myself for the holidays.
I am proud I managed to do two things anyway. Mama not only asked me to bring desserts (pumpkin pie and Red Velvet Cake) she also told me how she wanted me to make them. She'd found a new recipe for a pumpkin pie and insisted I should use it to make 'her' pie as she referred to it. And I did. Because she asked me to. And she wanted Red Velvet Cake Cupcakes. I balked on that only after two things happened: I found I had only 14 cupcake liners...and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could manage to transport 2 dozen cupcakes with a soft cream cheese frosting (also her request). So with her permission it became a sheet cake.
My husband thought it rather forward of my mom to not only tell me what to bring but how to make it. I've only been making pumpkin pies for 32 years now, after all, and nary a leftover have we ever had. "Never mind", I told him, "after all in the grand scheme of things, is it really important which recipe I use? Or whether it's cupcakes or cake? Not really, no. And for the sake of good feeling, I'll just do as she asked."
It's not about pumpkin pies or any of the other things that felt off about the day, really. It's missing my own family around me, my children and grandchildren, and missing them all and knowing that the likelihood I shall see them anytime in the future altogether in one room is slim at present.
So to right my frame of mind, I've decided to be thankful this day for what the year just past has brought. And that too may seem an odd route to take considering where I've been in the past 12 months.
I am grateful for the opportunity to work my way through forgiveness. It was tough do care for my mom on a daily basis. There's a really good reason why we agreed many years ago that 1/2 a day every two weeks was more than sufficient time together. But it was important to me to let go of some very old heartaches and grievances. And of course, when I'd prayed about it, the opportunity to work through those issues arrived in the form of a broken ankle and 7 days a week of togetherness for 5 months.
I am thankful for the storm that led to the calm. With all the illnesses and financial challenges and issues that arose this year, it seemed very much as though we were being battered at every turn by strong waves and winds and driving rain. But Thank God! He was bringing us through the storm to this time of peace and quiet.
I am thankful for seasons. It truly seems this year as though we've had no real autumn weather. Summer (which was relatively mild this year) and autumn have really just sort of blended in together. It seemed much that way in my life as well going from one trouble to another. But our life season finally changed.
Iam thankful for my home. Home is more about the atmosphere we create than where we actually live, but for me, where I live is part and parcel of home. This land we live on has deep emotional value to me. The happiest memories of my life took place on this property. For many years, I prayed for a home much like the one I now enjoy: solid, open, filled with light, with clear views of sunrise and sunsets.
I am thankful for my husband. I spent years dealing with tough situations on my own. To have someone standing by my side, cheering me on, bolstering me up when I weaken, encouraging me, caring for me, taking care of me...this is something I never want to take for granted.
I am deeply grateful for my faith. I can't name the number of times I've had to swallow back bitterness, disappointment and sorrow. Why do I hold it at bay? Because I've accepted the promise of the Bible that Faith is being sure of the things we hope for will manifest. I refuse to allow one ounce of unbelief to rob me of my future hope. I will stand strong.
And so I end this post. I will likely be back later this weekend with my December goals and inspirations.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Week 22, Day 6 Shaken, Not Stirred
I can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since I last wrote! Well that's probably more of how it will be from now until year's end, with the holidays, shopping, appointments, etc. closing in on upon us. And that's okay. I won't let my blogging be a stressor, when I consider it so beneficial. No need to make it an onus.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 20/Day 5 Indulge Me
I worked hard all week long this week. I did some work in my shed, managed a Big Shop (and got that pantry and freezer nearly fully restocked (yes! I managed a goal already!), reorganized and inventoried the pantries. This girl put in some hard work this week...and she wanted time to play. I worked even harder yesterday preparing meals and prepping foodstuffs for the weekend just so I could have fun time.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
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