Week 19, Day 3 Whatever Bubbles Up, Bubbles Up

The subject line was actually a song that I remember from the past decade. Whatever bubbles up bubbles up. These days it seems an awful lot of my past is bubbling up. Not from a decade ago but from 20-25 years ago. A world of hurts are surfacing. Somehow as the past month has unfolded the surface was scratched a bit deeply. I've shared some deeply hurtful things with my husband, stories he's never before heard or which I brushed over and laughed off and never really revealed the depth of my fear and frustrations at the time.

This after a year and a half of working on forgiveness. And I have forgiven, truly I have. I've forgiven each person responsible for the humilations and hurts. I've forgiven them all because I couldn't have gone on otherwise. I'd never had trusted my husband after the hurts caused between my first husband and I. I'd never have had another friendship if I hadn't forgiven my friends who hurt me. I'd never have had any sort of peace if I hadn't forgiven my parents individually and together.

So why all the trauma and drama remembrances? This evening, after another round of sad and sorry stories told to my husband, I went out on the deck and I cried, only a little, but I cried all the same. And finally I realized the problem was that I'd forgiven every one except myself.

Myself. I haven't forgiven myself for being young, inexperienced, lacking in knowledge. I haven't completely forgiven myself for thinking I deserved the treatment I so willingly accepted. I haven't forgiven myself for not realizing my own value sooner. And yes, that hurts. It hurts mightily. It hurts more than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge before now.

And you know what? I think this week I'd like to put these things away once and for all. I'd like to finally let go of the hurt and forgive myself because I deserve it as much as any one else I've forgiven. No, I deserve it even more than the others. I'm sure that more of these memories will come up. I'm sure that I'll shed a few more tears over them as they surface, but that's okay, too. Pain has purpose, I wrote just days ago. In this case, the purpose is to help myself understand that it's time to forgive myself.