A fellow worshipper and I were talking during dinner. I was telling him about how I came to finally surrender my life to Christ. "I couldn't get enough at first. I read my Bible, I tuned into ministry programs on television and at night when that programming wasn't available, I found a radio station and I listened to sermon after sermon. At work, co-workers and I spoke of scripture we'd read that morning or sermons we'd heard the previous night and we asked one another hard questions. I spent time in chapel during my work breaks..." I described truly, a person who had been starving for something more in life and finding it, had been unable to get enough. They were sweet days.
I wish I could say that is always the case still, but truthfully there are many days when I let my life get in front of my heart needs. I skip Bible study in favor of picking up the house. I skip the televised ministry program I enjoy to run errands. At night, instead of choosing the inspirational book I'd been reading, I lose myself in a computer game.
What happens after awhile is predictable. I 'forget' more and more often to turn to the Word and instead, I turn to the distractions. I grow restless, become irritable and feel dissastisfied with life overall. Nothing seems to soothe me. The more I forget, the worse I become. I become whiny. I want something but no thing I bring into my life helps. And then one day it occurs to me that I'm hungry, I'm thirsting, I'm needing to spend time with God, needing to dwell in His Word.
Recently my husband combined two hymns in an absolutely beautiful mix for service, "Hungry" and "As A Deer". I felt it was so stunning a compilation when he played it for me. The songs just spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. I could so envision that hunger and thirst for God and I remembered the days before my salvation when I too hungered and thirsted but I didn't know what it was I needed.
What a beautiful reminder to me of that need to feast at God's table, to drink long and deeply from his presence...
Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry...
As a deer panteth after the water
So my soul longeth after Thee...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
You Never Cry Like A Lover Should...
If you are/were a fan of the band The Eagles you might well recognize that title. I fell in love with that song in my teens and it stuck with me though I had little knowledge of what the song truly meant then. Now, as a grown woman who has been married twice, the impact of the song is even harder. Experience brought meaning.
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.
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