Well...I've had an odd Thanksgiving. Not the tv variety family day at all, but then I didn't expect that exactly. So why do I feel so let down and a little hurt and very much as though I were all alone?
I wanted this day to be something more. But here we have it. It's Thanksgiving and the day I've had is the day I've had. Which carries me full throttle back to one of my goals for this month: Enjoy myself for the holidays.
I am proud I managed to do two things anyway. Mama not only asked me to bring desserts (pumpkin pie and Red Velvet Cake) she also told me how she wanted me to make them. She'd found a new recipe for a pumpkin pie and insisted I should use it to make 'her' pie as she referred to it. And I did. Because she asked me to. And she wanted Red Velvet Cake Cupcakes. I balked on that only after two things happened: I found I had only 14 cupcake liners...and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could manage to transport 2 dozen cupcakes with a soft cream cheese frosting (also her request). So with her permission it became a sheet cake.
My husband thought it rather forward of my mom to not only tell me what to bring but how to make it. I've only been making pumpkin pies for 32 years now, after all, and nary a leftover have we ever had. "Never mind", I told him, "after all in the grand scheme of things, is it really important which recipe I use? Or whether it's cupcakes or cake? Not really, no. And for the sake of good feeling, I'll just do as she asked."
It's not about pumpkin pies or any of the other things that felt off about the day, really. It's missing my own family around me, my children and grandchildren, and missing them all and knowing that the likelihood I shall see them anytime in the future altogether in one room is slim at present.
So to right my frame of mind, I've decided to be thankful this day for what the year just past has brought. And that too may seem an odd route to take considering where I've been in the past 12 months.
I am grateful for the opportunity to work my way through forgiveness. It was tough do care for my mom on a daily basis. There's a really good reason why we agreed many years ago that 1/2 a day every two weeks was more than sufficient time together. But it was important to me to let go of some very old heartaches and grievances. And of course, when I'd prayed about it, the opportunity to work through those issues arrived in the form of a broken ankle and 7 days a week of togetherness for 5 months.
I am thankful for the storm that led to the calm. With all the illnesses and financial challenges and issues that arose this year, it seemed very much as though we were being battered at every turn by strong waves and winds and driving rain. But Thank God! He was bringing us through the storm to this time of peace and quiet.
I am thankful for seasons. It truly seems this year as though we've had no real autumn weather. Summer (which was relatively mild this year) and autumn have really just sort of blended in together. It seemed much that way in my life as well going from one trouble to another. But our life season finally changed.
Iam thankful for my home. Home is more about the atmosphere we create than where we actually live, but for me, where I live is part and parcel of home. This land we live on has deep emotional value to me. The happiest memories of my life took place on this property. For many years, I prayed for a home much like the one I now enjoy: solid, open, filled with light, with clear views of sunrise and sunsets.
I am thankful for my husband. I spent years dealing with tough situations on my own. To have someone standing by my side, cheering me on, bolstering me up when I weaken, encouraging me, caring for me, taking care of me...this is something I never want to take for granted.
I am deeply grateful for my faith. I can't name the number of times I've had to swallow back bitterness, disappointment and sorrow. Why do I hold it at bay? Because I've accepted the promise of the Bible that Faith is being sure of the things we hope for will manifest. I refuse to allow one ounce of unbelief to rob me of my future hope. I will stand strong.
And so I end this post. I will likely be back later this weekend with my December goals and inspirations.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Week 22, Day 6 Shaken, Not Stirred
I can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since I last wrote! Well that's probably more of how it will be from now until year's end, with the holidays, shopping, appointments, etc. closing in on upon us. And that's okay. I won't let my blogging be a stressor, when I consider it so beneficial. No need to make it an onus.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 20/Day 5 Indulge Me
I worked hard all week long this week. I did some work in my shed, managed a Big Shop (and got that pantry and freezer nearly fully restocked (yes! I managed a goal already!), reorganized and inventoried the pantries. This girl put in some hard work this week...and she wanted time to play. I worked even harder yesterday preparing meals and prepping foodstuffs for the weekend just so I could have fun time.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Week 19/Day 6: Review Time
The last day of October finds many of us with a longer than usual to do list, which stretches from here until New Year's Day. I have long added yet another item to my annual holiday list: an annual review and summing up of the year past. I'll begin that work this coming week by reading my list of goals for last year, my journal entries and blog posts. It might seem onerous to some, but I usually use my downtime in the evenings to do this review work. It's a way of forcing myself to slow down and keep the holiday work limited to the work day hours.
Frankly this year has been a huge challenge, and I hardly need the journal or blog entries to remember where I've been. What I don't remember at all however is where I began! I don't recall what my goals were. I just know without doubt that this year has been difficult, challenging and most definitely a learning experience. Nothing has gone off as planned.
But as my husband and I discussed last night, as difficult as the year has been, we have been blessed time and again with one unexpected thing after another. It never pays to look only at the hardships in our lives. We have to continually be on the lookout for the beautiful, the unexpected, the miraculous and the wonderful.
This past month, and for three months prior, I repeatedly voiced complaints about our lack of finances for a vacation this year. I have to say now that this October ended being the most restful, peaceful, relaxing 'vacation' we've ever experienced. I am still in wonder at this. Not to say that I am willing to give up the idea of future travel during our vacation but simply that I really have been forced to admit yet another time that my idea/concept was shattered. I am very judgemental. And time and again this has proven to be an opportunity for me to learn to be more open and less rigid in my thinking.
Another interesting coversation took place this week between my husband and myself. I can't remember just how we came to this particular discussion, but we began to talk about difficult periods in our marriage whne we felt certain we might just possibly not make it. Curiously we each cited a different period and time frame. And frankly we were both surprised, neither of us having been aware at that point that the other had serious doubts/unhappiness going on.
One of my favorite conversations with my husband took place on a date when he took my hand, looked at me lovingly and asked "Soooo, how are things going in your life?" It might sound an odd opener but it took my breath away. It told me clearly that this man was attuned to that secret underlying life that exists in the minds of every individual. At that point we'd been married ten years and we were hardly shy about sharing our angsts, joys and emotions. And needless to say it opened the evening up to a wonderful time of being intimate on a whole different level.
As did this conversation earlier this week. It might well be a scary discussion to have with your partner. It definitely is not a conversation to have if you are rife with insecurities. However, this conversation did not alarm me in that sense. Instead it pointed up the fact that even after 17 years with a man, you can still not know him fully, nor can he fully know you. It's that element of mystery about each other that lends intrigue and interest.
I think also that we both realized that crisis in a marriage isn't always a 'couple' thing. It is at times personal and has little to do with the marriage and a great deal to do with unhappiness in the individual. What changed things at those two points? I can't answer for my husband. I don't know. For myself it happened to be a conversation with an outsider, someone who knew us well enough to voice an opinion. I confided to him my unhappiness and inability to see a clear path to a future if situations in our lives didn't change. He expressed such dismay and such faith in our rightness for one another that I stopped to re-examine my thoughts. He rightly pointed out that the current situation wasn't going to be 'forever'. And needless to say in six months our lives had taken another turn and we were in a better place. I've often silently thanked this friend for listening and giving me his opinion. Had he not, I might well have made a serious error in my life!
I think October has without a doubt been as difficult as any of the other months of this past year. In many ways I am so ready to be done with this year! Yet, I have to admit that the whole year has been a long and wonderful learning time. For now I'll try to review what I did manage of my October goals and lay out a few for the month to come.
October Goals:
#1 Changing my attitude about change: I am sure there's a great deal more work to be done in this area. That is usually the result of determination to change, finding that the root of the problem must be worked out in order to completely rid ourselves of the whole. That's not a bad thing, but it does sometimes become tedious. I learned this month that I need to be more open to change.
The truth is that the changes that have taken place in our lives this month have actually opened up our lives to a lot of joy, brought about a great deal of peace, and allowed us to step into an opportunity to learn a great deal.
#2 Staycation: Nothing about my husband's time off went as planned, lol! Talk about one goal leading into another, but my desire to change my attitude about change was certainly tested to the max with this decision to 'enjoy it despite it'. As I wrote earlier in this post, this vacation time was one of the most relaxing, most beneficial we've had since our vacation in the mountain cabin a couple of years ago. I astonished my husband this past week when I told him that this vacation ended being just what I needed.
#3 Grocery budget: Our pantry and freezer are lower than they've been in years. The empty spaces bother me. I started this challenge with the intention of freeing finances for other things, things that would enhance an inspired life. It's interesting that while I struggle with weight issues I also bump against the 'security' of having whole foods on hand. I grew up with a family that gardened and preserved and froze. Food storage was always a safety blanket so to speak...Well the budget is lowered but it has definitely brought forth other issues! I ended the two pay periods with a total spending of $480. I'd say overall we're eating less in many ways because we're eating single servings, getting more vegetables and fruits. I'm cooking more from scratch than ever. Often one meal prep benefits us with two meals. Had I not splurged with the deli foods, steak and pricier homemade entrees (lasagna is not a cheap dish to make!) we might well have been nearer $425 for the month, but I have no hard regrets concerning the overage.
Those were essentially the goals I made for October, purposely keeping them less detailed than in months past simply because it had been such a difficult time in September.
November goals:
#1Enjoy myself. Holidays begin this month. In the past holidays have always brought with them certain amounts of angst and family issues and a plethora of guilt. This year, I am determined to forgo that entirely. I've spent a long year dealing with family issues. I am frankly tired of family issues,lol! So why spoil my holidays with guilt over spending money I don't have on gifts that won't please, agonize over my desire to have family and friends times combined while dealing with being tugged like an old shoe between two puppies, work schedules that don't allow for the 'real' family time etc. Truly there is nothing I can change about these issues, except my attitude. (October goal revisited!). I want to just enjoy the season. I want to enjoy the shopping/the preparations for giving/ the foods we enjoy only at this time of year. Organization will help with some of the issues. Lists of gifts to be bought or made, of items needed both food and otherwise, address lists for Christmas cards, etc.
I plan to make ahead several cookie doughs and put in the freezer (after all the thing is so empty I've plenty of room! I'll go ahead and start gathering boxes and tins for cookie gifting. I'll check my decorations (which we start putting up on Thanksgiving evening) and gift wraps. Make gift tags (love the creative time this allows) and make notes about ribbons needed.
I have financial limitations and a long list of people whom I wish to gift. I will not put financial strain on myself or my family however. Now if I found it a strain to manage pantry/freezer stock on a reduced budget how can I possibly manage the holidays. I'm going to increase my budget for the next two months to $500 to allow for the food specialities we normally enjoy. I will however be looking for items on sale BEFORE the two main holiday meal weeks both months.
I am also scrapping my 'lose weight' idea. As much as I long to reduce my weight, I am going to remove that pressure for the coming two months. I will continue to try to move more, to eat whole foods and keep up my vegetable/fruit intake. I am not planning to have a 'free for all' attitude either. But since my weight has remained stable for the past several months, I see no reason to add food guilt to an otherwise foody holiday.
And most of all, I will NOT allow myself to agonize over what parts of the holiday I might miss. I can't do it all. I can only do a certain amount and I want to enjoy the parts I CAN take part in. I can't bring my family and my friends together. I have to choose one part or the other (and that choice has already been made in part, since Mama put in her bid extra early this year).
#2 Let the creative juices flow. This time frame offers a wonderful time to really let creativity flow. Gift tags, gift boxes, table arrangments, gifts, recipes, clothing...You name it and nearly every day can be a creative feast. I've always found doing crafts and decorating the house as a wonderful impetus to creative writing. I'll try to keep a list of ideas that come across my mind this month for future writings.
I also plan to take at least one of my 70-mi radius trips this month. That is in anticipation that things in my home will slow down a wee bit now...I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one! I don't know if I can mange it or not. I don't want to force it, I want it to happen naturally perhaps in combination with shopping or creative inspiration.
#3 End of year summary. This is a must and will begin tomorrow, November 1.
#4 Stock up the pantry and freezer. It goes against everything in me to have my freezer and pantry so empty. I will say that in the past I've often stocked things in bulk that we seldom would eat. I want to really have a 'do-over' and choose foods that we truly will eat, normally eat, and not so much of the things we seldom eat as I have at times in the past. We seldom eat frozen fruit, so why am I am buying it? Ditto with canned green beans. We generally eat fresh or frozen. So there's some rethinking to be done, some adjustments to make. As well I plan to try to trim the budget by creatively using those things we typically don't eat and have on hand (another opportunity to use that creative thinking mind!).
#5 Get my lists made. Timelines for mailing packages, recipients, menus, etc. I have a plethora of lists to make to help keep me organized. That too will start soon...Today!
And so I end the month of October. Not the month I planned when I started my 70 weeks of Living Inspired, but certainly an inspiring month all the same. Here's to November!
Frankly this year has been a huge challenge, and I hardly need the journal or blog entries to remember where I've been. What I don't remember at all however is where I began! I don't recall what my goals were. I just know without doubt that this year has been difficult, challenging and most definitely a learning experience. Nothing has gone off as planned.
But as my husband and I discussed last night, as difficult as the year has been, we have been blessed time and again with one unexpected thing after another. It never pays to look only at the hardships in our lives. We have to continually be on the lookout for the beautiful, the unexpected, the miraculous and the wonderful.
This past month, and for three months prior, I repeatedly voiced complaints about our lack of finances for a vacation this year. I have to say now that this October ended being the most restful, peaceful, relaxing 'vacation' we've ever experienced. I am still in wonder at this. Not to say that I am willing to give up the idea of future travel during our vacation but simply that I really have been forced to admit yet another time that my idea/concept was shattered. I am very judgemental. And time and again this has proven to be an opportunity for me to learn to be more open and less rigid in my thinking.
Another interesting coversation took place this week between my husband and myself. I can't remember just how we came to this particular discussion, but we began to talk about difficult periods in our marriage whne we felt certain we might just possibly not make it. Curiously we each cited a different period and time frame. And frankly we were both surprised, neither of us having been aware at that point that the other had serious doubts/unhappiness going on.
One of my favorite conversations with my husband took place on a date when he took my hand, looked at me lovingly and asked "Soooo, how are things going in your life?" It might sound an odd opener but it took my breath away. It told me clearly that this man was attuned to that secret underlying life that exists in the minds of every individual. At that point we'd been married ten years and we were hardly shy about sharing our angsts, joys and emotions. And needless to say it opened the evening up to a wonderful time of being intimate on a whole different level.
As did this conversation earlier this week. It might well be a scary discussion to have with your partner. It definitely is not a conversation to have if you are rife with insecurities. However, this conversation did not alarm me in that sense. Instead it pointed up the fact that even after 17 years with a man, you can still not know him fully, nor can he fully know you. It's that element of mystery about each other that lends intrigue and interest.
I think also that we both realized that crisis in a marriage isn't always a 'couple' thing. It is at times personal and has little to do with the marriage and a great deal to do with unhappiness in the individual. What changed things at those two points? I can't answer for my husband. I don't know. For myself it happened to be a conversation with an outsider, someone who knew us well enough to voice an opinion. I confided to him my unhappiness and inability to see a clear path to a future if situations in our lives didn't change. He expressed such dismay and such faith in our rightness for one another that I stopped to re-examine my thoughts. He rightly pointed out that the current situation wasn't going to be 'forever'. And needless to say in six months our lives had taken another turn and we were in a better place. I've often silently thanked this friend for listening and giving me his opinion. Had he not, I might well have made a serious error in my life!
I think October has without a doubt been as difficult as any of the other months of this past year. In many ways I am so ready to be done with this year! Yet, I have to admit that the whole year has been a long and wonderful learning time. For now I'll try to review what I did manage of my October goals and lay out a few for the month to come.
October Goals:
#1 Changing my attitude about change: I am sure there's a great deal more work to be done in this area. That is usually the result of determination to change, finding that the root of the problem must be worked out in order to completely rid ourselves of the whole. That's not a bad thing, but it does sometimes become tedious. I learned this month that I need to be more open to change.
The truth is that the changes that have taken place in our lives this month have actually opened up our lives to a lot of joy, brought about a great deal of peace, and allowed us to step into an opportunity to learn a great deal.
#2 Staycation: Nothing about my husband's time off went as planned, lol! Talk about one goal leading into another, but my desire to change my attitude about change was certainly tested to the max with this decision to 'enjoy it despite it'. As I wrote earlier in this post, this vacation time was one of the most relaxing, most beneficial we've had since our vacation in the mountain cabin a couple of years ago. I astonished my husband this past week when I told him that this vacation ended being just what I needed.
#3 Grocery budget: Our pantry and freezer are lower than they've been in years. The empty spaces bother me. I started this challenge with the intention of freeing finances for other things, things that would enhance an inspired life. It's interesting that while I struggle with weight issues I also bump against the 'security' of having whole foods on hand. I grew up with a family that gardened and preserved and froze. Food storage was always a safety blanket so to speak...Well the budget is lowered but it has definitely brought forth other issues! I ended the two pay periods with a total spending of $480. I'd say overall we're eating less in many ways because we're eating single servings, getting more vegetables and fruits. I'm cooking more from scratch than ever. Often one meal prep benefits us with two meals. Had I not splurged with the deli foods, steak and pricier homemade entrees (lasagna is not a cheap dish to make!) we might well have been nearer $425 for the month, but I have no hard regrets concerning the overage.
Those were essentially the goals I made for October, purposely keeping them less detailed than in months past simply because it had been such a difficult time in September.
November goals:
#1Enjoy myself. Holidays begin this month. In the past holidays have always brought with them certain amounts of angst and family issues and a plethora of guilt. This year, I am determined to forgo that entirely. I've spent a long year dealing with family issues. I am frankly tired of family issues,lol! So why spoil my holidays with guilt over spending money I don't have on gifts that won't please, agonize over my desire to have family and friends times combined while dealing with being tugged like an old shoe between two puppies, work schedules that don't allow for the 'real' family time etc. Truly there is nothing I can change about these issues, except my attitude. (October goal revisited!). I want to just enjoy the season. I want to enjoy the shopping/the preparations for giving/ the foods we enjoy only at this time of year. Organization will help with some of the issues. Lists of gifts to be bought or made, of items needed both food and otherwise, address lists for Christmas cards, etc.
I plan to make ahead several cookie doughs and put in the freezer (after all the thing is so empty I've plenty of room! I'll go ahead and start gathering boxes and tins for cookie gifting. I'll check my decorations (which we start putting up on Thanksgiving evening) and gift wraps. Make gift tags (love the creative time this allows) and make notes about ribbons needed.
I have financial limitations and a long list of people whom I wish to gift. I will not put financial strain on myself or my family however. Now if I found it a strain to manage pantry/freezer stock on a reduced budget how can I possibly manage the holidays. I'm going to increase my budget for the next two months to $500 to allow for the food specialities we normally enjoy. I will however be looking for items on sale BEFORE the two main holiday meal weeks both months.
I am also scrapping my 'lose weight' idea. As much as I long to reduce my weight, I am going to remove that pressure for the coming two months. I will continue to try to move more, to eat whole foods and keep up my vegetable/fruit intake. I am not planning to have a 'free for all' attitude either. But since my weight has remained stable for the past several months, I see no reason to add food guilt to an otherwise foody holiday.
And most of all, I will NOT allow myself to agonize over what parts of the holiday I might miss. I can't do it all. I can only do a certain amount and I want to enjoy the parts I CAN take part in. I can't bring my family and my friends together. I have to choose one part or the other (and that choice has already been made in part, since Mama put in her bid extra early this year).
#2 Let the creative juices flow. This time frame offers a wonderful time to really let creativity flow. Gift tags, gift boxes, table arrangments, gifts, recipes, clothing...You name it and nearly every day can be a creative feast. I've always found doing crafts and decorating the house as a wonderful impetus to creative writing. I'll try to keep a list of ideas that come across my mind this month for future writings.
I also plan to take at least one of my 70-mi radius trips this month. That is in anticipation that things in my home will slow down a wee bit now...I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one! I don't know if I can mange it or not. I don't want to force it, I want it to happen naturally perhaps in combination with shopping or creative inspiration.
#3 End of year summary. This is a must and will begin tomorrow, November 1.
#4 Stock up the pantry and freezer. It goes against everything in me to have my freezer and pantry so empty. I will say that in the past I've often stocked things in bulk that we seldom would eat. I want to really have a 'do-over' and choose foods that we truly will eat, normally eat, and not so much of the things we seldom eat as I have at times in the past. We seldom eat frozen fruit, so why am I am buying it? Ditto with canned green beans. We generally eat fresh or frozen. So there's some rethinking to be done, some adjustments to make. As well I plan to try to trim the budget by creatively using those things we typically don't eat and have on hand (another opportunity to use that creative thinking mind!).
#5 Get my lists made. Timelines for mailing packages, recipients, menus, etc. I have a plethora of lists to make to help keep me organized. That too will start soon...Today!
And so I end the month of October. Not the month I planned when I started my 70 weeks of Living Inspired, but certainly an inspiring month all the same. Here's to November!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Week 19, Day 3 Whatever Bubbles Up, Bubbles Up
The subject line was actually a song that I remember from the past decade. Whatever bubbles up bubbles up. These days it seems an awful lot of my past is bubbling up. Not from a decade ago but from 20-25 years ago. A world of hurts are surfacing. Somehow as the past month has unfolded the surface was scratched a bit deeply. I've shared some deeply hurtful things with my husband, stories he's never before heard or which I brushed over and laughed off and never really revealed the depth of my fear and frustrations at the time.
This after a year and a half of working on forgiveness. And I have forgiven, truly I have. I've forgiven each person responsible for the humilations and hurts. I've forgiven them all because I couldn't have gone on otherwise. I'd never had trusted my husband after the hurts caused between my first husband and I. I'd never have had another friendship if I hadn't forgiven my friends who hurt me. I'd never have had any sort of peace if I hadn't forgiven my parents individually and together.
So why all the trauma and drama remembrances? This evening, after another round of sad and sorry stories told to my husband, I went out on the deck and I cried, only a little, but I cried all the same. And finally I realized the problem was that I'd forgiven every one except myself.
Myself. I haven't forgiven myself for being young, inexperienced, lacking in knowledge. I haven't completely forgiven myself for thinking I deserved the treatment I so willingly accepted. I haven't forgiven myself for not realizing my own value sooner. And yes, that hurts. It hurts mightily. It hurts more than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge before now.
And you know what? I think this week I'd like to put these things away once and for all. I'd like to finally let go of the hurt and forgive myself because I deserve it as much as any one else I've forgiven. No, I deserve it even more than the others. I'm sure that more of these memories will come up. I'm sure that I'll shed a few more tears over them as they surface, but that's okay, too. Pain has purpose, I wrote just days ago. In this case, the purpose is to help myself understand that it's time to forgive myself.
taking away
This after a year and a half of working on forgiveness. And I have forgiven, truly I have. I've forgiven each person responsible for the humilations and hurts. I've forgiven them all because I couldn't have gone on otherwise. I'd never had trusted my husband after the hurts caused between my first husband and I. I'd never have had another friendship if I hadn't forgiven my friends who hurt me. I'd never have had any sort of peace if I hadn't forgiven my parents individually and together.
So why all the trauma and drama remembrances? This evening, after another round of sad and sorry stories told to my husband, I went out on the deck and I cried, only a little, but I cried all the same. And finally I realized the problem was that I'd forgiven every one except myself.
Myself. I haven't forgiven myself for being young, inexperienced, lacking in knowledge. I haven't completely forgiven myself for thinking I deserved the treatment I so willingly accepted. I haven't forgiven myself for not realizing my own value sooner. And yes, that hurts. It hurts mightily. It hurts more than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge before now.
And you know what? I think this week I'd like to put these things away once and for all. I'd like to finally let go of the hurt and forgive myself because I deserve it as much as any one else I've forgiven. No, I deserve it even more than the others. I'm sure that more of these memories will come up. I'm sure that I'll shed a few more tears over them as they surface, but that's okay, too. Pain has purpose, I wrote just days ago. In this case, the purpose is to help myself understand that it's time to forgive myself.
taking away
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Week 18, Day 6 Pushing Forward
In the past week or so not a lot has changed. Nor have I apparently accomplished much beyond healing from my cold. That in and of itself however has been enough to allow my attitude to change dramatically, lol. I’ve often noticed the relation between how we physically feel (whether it’s due to stress, tiredness or illness) to how we feel mentally and emotionally. And though I personally believe we are in charge of our emotions, I’ve found that there is still a correlation between outside factors and internal ones, no matter how rigid we might attempt to be.
I do want to share that my daughter is feeling somewhat better. She has begun taking the birth control pills and after a couple of days of major migraines, she found that the dosage became easier to handle, her pain decreased a good bit and overall she began to feel somewhat better. Having the burden of that off me has helped tremendously. I will keep in mind the suggestions given about endometriosis and fibroid tumours, however.
Also in the past week, we’ve had a number of people approach us with information about a worrying situation that left us doubting our faith walk. I am happy and sad at the same time, to say that it wasn’t our faith walk that was out of whack. There were apparently any number of things going on under the surface that we weren’t aware of. We were just picking up the over charged emotional atmosphere in the situation. While it saddens me to know that so many hurts were being kept quiet by people we knew and loved it has also reassured us that we were bidden to go in the right direction through our prayers. God is so good!
My illness prevented my being in contact with Granny on a daily basis. I took lunch to her yesterday and saw her for the first time in almost three weeks. What I found was that her dementia seems to be very much increased. She has called me three times in the past week with concerns over things that she’d ‘seen’…Still she is easily reoriented and completely lucid about ¾ of the time. I was shocked however at how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight and lost height. I felt almost as though I loomed over her, where she used to be a good three or four inches taller than I. She told my son that she is shrinking and it does appear to be true.
Listening to her talk of some of the things that she sees and hears, I realize that many of them are repetitions of things she’s been telling me for years. What we passed off initially as forgetful or notions have likely been manifestations of mental decline all along. With her as strong and vital as she was though it was easy to ignore these things and just pass them off.
Ultimately this week I had a mini breakdown. Granny and I spoke Thursday morning and she was obviously upset by the increased delusions. My daughter was acting out in the manner of a 17yo. I'd tried to talk to Mama addressing Granny's delusions and got nowhere at all. Mama is the main caregiver, power of attorney,etc. Her choice at present is to do nothing at all, rather than at least lay the ground work for future care for Granny. Frustration, overload, overwhelm all hit the fan during a period of major tiredness.
What happened? I came up against one of my boundary lines. There are times in life when we simply must realize that we are not in control. I had to accept that I cannot manage all of the problems I was facing. I had to turn them over to a higher authority. I spent some time in prayer and released it all. That really was the only solution.
As the end of the year comes nearer, I find it is time once again to begin to think of the usual annual activities. Aside from the holidays to plan, buy and prepare for, there is my annual yearly review of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. This past year (beginning in December of last year) has really been a difficult one. There are a number of areas I need to address in my annual reviewing. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally there have been challenges galore. I cannot recall such a difficult year in my life in the past decade, nor even in the past two decades.
I’ll also review the goals I initially set at the beginning of the year (some people call them resolutions) and see how well I did towards reaching those goals. I know right off that in at least two areas I failed miserably. I’d like to really examine why I did so badly in those areas.
Another step I’ll take is to look at the coming year, what I hope to accomplish, make out a list of goals, and do a little wishful thinking on paper.
All of the above of course are things I hope to accomplish in November, which is in the future, another whole week away.
For an update on October's goals: I bumped hard against another area of arrogance on my part:trying to manage the relationship between two family members. I found this week that it was very necessary for me to step aside, let the two work out their own relationship with each other and stop trying to communicate what each is saying/doing/feeling. Ah yes. Determine that you will fix a character flaw and you will surely find it goes even deeper than you'd realized!
Staycation: didn't really work out the way I'd planned. It worked out even better. The money we'd intended to spend on entertainment was used to help out one of the kids. What we did: ate easy meals, some favorite foods (like steak and shrimp one night and lasagna another), take a full week to just laze about, sleep in, watch movies, rest and rest and rest. It was wonderful! My husband has mentioned numerous times how relaxing the whole vacation has been for him. And my daughter seemed to appreciate home a little more at the time.
Fall cleaning: nada, nothing accomplished. The first week went towards the staycation the second week was a filled full of unexpected necessary errands and basic homekeeping.
Grocery Budget: Ended up spending $480 for the month, about $80 more than I'd like to see it end up, but that includes the steak and shrimp and makings for lasagna plus a few deli meats and cheeses for our staycation. $80 is somewhat less than we'd normally spend for vacations away from home, so I'm not complaining hard about the end budget.
I did have an interesting thing happen this week. I had a friend ask to 'borrow' an article I wrote on an old blog that I hadn't updated in over a year. I'd had that blog on my mind a great deal over the last two weeks. It was written from the standpoint of revelations and thoughts I'd had based on my spiritual walk and scripture or sermons I'd heard. Kay's question was just the nudge I needed. I'd recently had a conversation with another friend that led to an article idea and I realized that the former blog was the perfect forum for posting it. An evening of work finally helped me figure out how to recover my password, the article was posted and the new blog will be updated with scripture and posts on what I hope is a routine basis. Another writing adventure relaunched!
Wednesday while visiting a friend known for her great yard sale bargains, we commissioned her with the task of finding dining room chairs for us. She lives in a suburban area that is rife with yard sales and thrift shops and having seen her own finds (all displayed in her home or refurbished for resale) we knew we would get quality pieces. We told her our budget. She called this morning to say she'd found four chairs of heavy wrought iron and she thought they'd work for us. I wasn't positive I wanted wrought iron but when she told me the price ($2 each!!) I agreed. I have in my possession a glass topped table with wrought iron base that might well work with the chairs if I decide my wooden table isn't suited to them. Either way I will be happy in the end.
As well, after my tearful episode on Thursday two things happened. When I came home, I was making our bed and found a penny on the floor on my side of the bed. There's no reason on earth why that penny should have been there. When I saw it on the floor I picked it up and remembered a friend telling me that every penny has "In God we trust" on it. I thought it a lovely reminder that God had heard my prayers and I'm keeping that penny on my bedside table to remind myself that I can and should turn my cares over more often.
Later that day my daughter's sorry attitude was much improved and I found out that it was a stubborness on her own part that caused her horrible attitude in the first place: refusal to go to bed at a reasonable hour and so lack of sleep was causing her poor attitude. That's something she needs to work on, not something I am responsible for. I did tell her that since my arrangements for her morning breakfasts were so dissatisfactory she would be responsible for getting her own foodstuffs together. I will provide things that are portable, but I will no longer be the one choosing what she will eat and drink, nor will I be taking it out of the door. That's on her. But I felt very empowered by giving her reasonable solutions and then washing my hands of the angst and frustration I'd been experiencing.
Today my husband and I took advantage of our restful Sabbath day and on our way home we 'chose the road less travelled by' a road we'd often wondered where it led. We ended up having a wonderful drive through the country on this beautiful October day, with views of fields of ripened grains, woods filled with colorful leaves, blue sky and sunshine poured out over it all. It was wonderful.
And to top it all off, this woman, a self-proclaimed non-napper, actually lay down this afternoon and took a one hour nap. I woke to the sound of a crow cawing in the pecan tree outside and a cool breeze blowing through the window. Looks like our previously cool weather is returning.
And that has been my portion of inspiration in a month when I thought I'd lost all hope of living inspired.
I do want to share that my daughter is feeling somewhat better. She has begun taking the birth control pills and after a couple of days of major migraines, she found that the dosage became easier to handle, her pain decreased a good bit and overall she began to feel somewhat better. Having the burden of that off me has helped tremendously. I will keep in mind the suggestions given about endometriosis and fibroid tumours, however.
Also in the past week, we’ve had a number of people approach us with information about a worrying situation that left us doubting our faith walk. I am happy and sad at the same time, to say that it wasn’t our faith walk that was out of whack. There were apparently any number of things going on under the surface that we weren’t aware of. We were just picking up the over charged emotional atmosphere in the situation. While it saddens me to know that so many hurts were being kept quiet by people we knew and loved it has also reassured us that we were bidden to go in the right direction through our prayers. God is so good!
My illness prevented my being in contact with Granny on a daily basis. I took lunch to her yesterday and saw her for the first time in almost three weeks. What I found was that her dementia seems to be very much increased. She has called me three times in the past week with concerns over things that she’d ‘seen’…Still she is easily reoriented and completely lucid about ¾ of the time. I was shocked however at how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight and lost height. I felt almost as though I loomed over her, where she used to be a good three or four inches taller than I. She told my son that she is shrinking and it does appear to be true.
Listening to her talk of some of the things that she sees and hears, I realize that many of them are repetitions of things she’s been telling me for years. What we passed off initially as forgetful or notions have likely been manifestations of mental decline all along. With her as strong and vital as she was though it was easy to ignore these things and just pass them off.
Ultimately this week I had a mini breakdown. Granny and I spoke Thursday morning and she was obviously upset by the increased delusions. My daughter was acting out in the manner of a 17yo. I'd tried to talk to Mama addressing Granny's delusions and got nowhere at all. Mama is the main caregiver, power of attorney,etc. Her choice at present is to do nothing at all, rather than at least lay the ground work for future care for Granny. Frustration, overload, overwhelm all hit the fan during a period of major tiredness.
What happened? I came up against one of my boundary lines. There are times in life when we simply must realize that we are not in control. I had to accept that I cannot manage all of the problems I was facing. I had to turn them over to a higher authority. I spent some time in prayer and released it all. That really was the only solution.
As the end of the year comes nearer, I find it is time once again to begin to think of the usual annual activities. Aside from the holidays to plan, buy and prepare for, there is my annual yearly review of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. This past year (beginning in December of last year) has really been a difficult one. There are a number of areas I need to address in my annual reviewing. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally there have been challenges galore. I cannot recall such a difficult year in my life in the past decade, nor even in the past two decades.
I’ll also review the goals I initially set at the beginning of the year (some people call them resolutions) and see how well I did towards reaching those goals. I know right off that in at least two areas I failed miserably. I’d like to really examine why I did so badly in those areas.
Another step I’ll take is to look at the coming year, what I hope to accomplish, make out a list of goals, and do a little wishful thinking on paper.
All of the above of course are things I hope to accomplish in November, which is in the future, another whole week away.
For an update on October's goals: I bumped hard against another area of arrogance on my part:trying to manage the relationship between two family members. I found this week that it was very necessary for me to step aside, let the two work out their own relationship with each other and stop trying to communicate what each is saying/doing/feeling. Ah yes. Determine that you will fix a character flaw and you will surely find it goes even deeper than you'd realized!
Staycation: didn't really work out the way I'd planned. It worked out even better. The money we'd intended to spend on entertainment was used to help out one of the kids. What we did: ate easy meals, some favorite foods (like steak and shrimp one night and lasagna another), take a full week to just laze about, sleep in, watch movies, rest and rest and rest. It was wonderful! My husband has mentioned numerous times how relaxing the whole vacation has been for him. And my daughter seemed to appreciate home a little more at the time.
Fall cleaning: nada, nothing accomplished. The first week went towards the staycation the second week was a filled full of unexpected necessary errands and basic homekeeping.
Grocery Budget: Ended up spending $480 for the month, about $80 more than I'd like to see it end up, but that includes the steak and shrimp and makings for lasagna plus a few deli meats and cheeses for our staycation. $80 is somewhat less than we'd normally spend for vacations away from home, so I'm not complaining hard about the end budget.
I did have an interesting thing happen this week. I had a friend ask to 'borrow' an article I wrote on an old blog that I hadn't updated in over a year. I'd had that blog on my mind a great deal over the last two weeks. It was written from the standpoint of revelations and thoughts I'd had based on my spiritual walk and scripture or sermons I'd heard. Kay's question was just the nudge I needed. I'd recently had a conversation with another friend that led to an article idea and I realized that the former blog was the perfect forum for posting it. An evening of work finally helped me figure out how to recover my password, the article was posted and the new blog will be updated with scripture and posts on what I hope is a routine basis. Another writing adventure relaunched!
Wednesday while visiting a friend known for her great yard sale bargains, we commissioned her with the task of finding dining room chairs for us. She lives in a suburban area that is rife with yard sales and thrift shops and having seen her own finds (all displayed in her home or refurbished for resale) we knew we would get quality pieces. We told her our budget. She called this morning to say she'd found four chairs of heavy wrought iron and she thought they'd work for us. I wasn't positive I wanted wrought iron but when she told me the price ($2 each!!) I agreed. I have in my possession a glass topped table with wrought iron base that might well work with the chairs if I decide my wooden table isn't suited to them. Either way I will be happy in the end.
As well, after my tearful episode on Thursday two things happened. When I came home, I was making our bed and found a penny on the floor on my side of the bed. There's no reason on earth why that penny should have been there. When I saw it on the floor I picked it up and remembered a friend telling me that every penny has "In God we trust" on it. I thought it a lovely reminder that God had heard my prayers and I'm keeping that penny on my bedside table to remind myself that I can and should turn my cares over more often.
Later that day my daughter's sorry attitude was much improved and I found out that it was a stubborness on her own part that caused her horrible attitude in the first place: refusal to go to bed at a reasonable hour and so lack of sleep was causing her poor attitude. That's something she needs to work on, not something I am responsible for. I did tell her that since my arrangements for her morning breakfasts were so dissatisfactory she would be responsible for getting her own foodstuffs together. I will provide things that are portable, but I will no longer be the one choosing what she will eat and drink, nor will I be taking it out of the door. That's on her. But I felt very empowered by giving her reasonable solutions and then washing my hands of the angst and frustration I'd been experiencing.
Today my husband and I took advantage of our restful Sabbath day and on our way home we 'chose the road less travelled by' a road we'd often wondered where it led. We ended up having a wonderful drive through the country on this beautiful October day, with views of fields of ripened grains, woods filled with colorful leaves, blue sky and sunshine poured out over it all. It was wonderful.
And to top it all off, this woman, a self-proclaimed non-napper, actually lay down this afternoon and took a one hour nap. I woke to the sound of a crow cawing in the pecan tree outside and a cool breeze blowing through the window. Looks like our previously cool weather is returning.
And that has been my portion of inspiration in a month when I thought I'd lost all hope of living inspired.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Week 16 Day 6 Things That Go Bump
October...I can't believe it's been five weeks since I last sat down to write out a post. What happened? Nothing much and yet a whole lot at once.
First came a realization of sorts brought on by a semi-crisis of sorts. I won't go into details but it involved our church and a deep disappointment about a situation that we have only a smattering of details from two of the involved parties and no word at all from the third to judge more clearly by. However the whole thing pointed up yet again that we were not in the place we wanted to be. Major drama here at home has been ongoing for months every time church going time approached and after this situation it was increased by 10 fold.
A decision finally was made to take a sabbatical, to step aside and see if we viewed things differently when we weren't smack in the middle of the seeming fray. It was a big decision, one we'd actually made a year ago and then just as we were to begin, my husband thought better of it and we didn't take the time off. A year later, we'd truly reached a point where it just wasn't a joy to go to church, though we put a darned good face on it...but you know how things are that are smashed beneath the surface to hide them. They have the nastiest habit of popping out inappropriately.
So, a sabbatical from our church. That was a major step for us both, involving a lot of sorting out of emotions, ideals, grief, hurts, confusion. We were determined to go to church somewhere during that time and we did visit at three different churches. It was such a blessing to be in all the services we attended. Without the weight of duties, knowledge of behind the scenes dramas and strife, with nothing to do but simply sit and worship and learn we felt a huge weight lift. And the clarity came, though I cannot say the decision reached was the on we we really wanted to make. Ultimately, we decided to step away from our current church home and seek out another church in which to worship. And we've decided to take our time and find a new place that truly fits us.
While we were dealing with church issues, Granny's dementia has increased to the point that it truly has become an exercise in grief to be with her. I won't give up my little portion of time willingly with her. I know that at this stage each day is a precious gift. She is still at home, living on her own. We've had a pattern about our visits so that I've been with her some portion of every week, but the past two weeks I've been very ill with a cold that hit me hard. I've noticed that at some point these days, when I've not been around for a few days, she'll call me with questions about some of her delusions, usually about sundown (hence the medical community term "sundowners syndrome"). My past experience dealing with dementia/alzheimer's patients in the nursing home has led me to believe the best way to handle the situation is to play along with the delusional part while gently making statements about time/place/date/real life that redirects the attention to the factual. This has worked well for me with Granny thus far. It doesn't stop her believing that there are other people about on the place, but it does reassure her in some way that all is as it should be.
All that said, I am losing a best friend, mentor and beloved family member by inches every day that passes. And that hurts more than I can share. And it brings up issues of not only impending loss but of aging in general, my own family relationships that are scattered over this nation, and more. Lots of grief and tears and not any of it changes a thing one whit.
My daughter's health issues continue to be a concern. She isn't well, but we can't quite pinpoint what is wrong with her. Officially she's fully recovered from mono. She is now having female problems that are painful and causing hot flashes and mood swings and too frequent periods,etc. She is just 17. I feel helpless in many ways and for many reasons. The medical community relies heavily on the standards when it comes to youth and female woes: The GP refers her to a gynocologist, who assures us it will all work out in time, do a pap smear, put her on birth control to regulate the period and gee there's nothing else we can do until we try this. It feels a bit like being in the dark ages all over again. Hello. She's 17. 17yr olds do NOT have hot flashes. Her pain has been largely ignored, despite the fact that she weeps with it being so bad. My daughter is not one to cry.
This is beginning to sound like I had a pretty tough month last month, and you know what? I did. No kidding. I struggled with these other issues and pushed myself too hard to do some much needed work in the yard and house and ended up sidelined with some deeply serious pain and so wasn't able to do a thing for two weeks and the only reason it let up at all was that I got sick with what has proven to be one of the worst head and chest colds I've had in ten years, which has gone on nearly two weeks. I literally was in bed or resting quietly in a chair for over a week. I haven't been this ill in a long time and I don't like the feeling of weakness it gave me.
I feel, quite honestly as though the past five weeks were a total waste of time in all my selected goal areas. And having already backtracked my calendar for four weeks previously, I am darned reluctant to do the same all over again. And so there are thoughts of scrapping it all and tossing the whole plan aside one more time and never revisiting it. But I can't do that. This ideal of 70 weeks of Living Inspired made a large impact on me at the time it occurred the first time. I've been sidelined twice. I just cannot give up a third time.
So that leaves me here: Moving on, despite the major bumps in the road. That old saying about when the going gets tough the tough gets going is my motto at the moment. I'm going all right, I'm moving right ahead and darned if I'm giving up. NOW is just a season and this season would have occurred at some point anyway. Seasons do. That's how they are.
I've met a few goals. I am very conscious of how I present myself for one thing. I am a creative person. It seems to me when I leave the house something of that creativity ought to show. I'm fairly reserved and prefer classic tailored clothing over the bohemian, but I'm learning there are many ways to creatively express who I am in my dress regardless of my style.
I've not lost one ounce of weight that I'm aware of, but I know that I am overall eating better. And it's almost becoming second nature to reach for the vegetables first and then finish filling my plate with meat and bread and dessert in smaller portions. Not always, but more often.
I've learned to be more aware of my personal boundaries and which ones really need to be honored and which really need to be tested. It helped a lot to hear a wonderful sermon series on Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The pastor pointed out that in this day and age we've become a little too quick to tear down all the walls when in fact some of the walls need to be there and for good reason. I'm learning to distinquish between the two.
So ten days into October what are my goals for the month? At this point I'm darned tempted to say to get through October and get as far away from September as I possibly can! That however is a statement of fear, not a statement of belief that I deserve to live out an Inspired Life. So here are my goals for the month of October:
#1 I've got this horrid tendency to think that because I'm comfortable in a certain area that things should stay within those parameters. I think I can figure out how things should operate better than God possibly can work things out, tend to give advice based on my own comfort, etc. Ultimately it's a combination of arrogance and lack of trust, neither of which speaks that well of me or my attitude overall. I know that the determination to change a character trait isn't going to make it easy to change. I do believe however, that change can occur if we are at least aware of the need to do something differently and are willing to try.
#2 My husband has all but a few days of this month off from work. We won't be going on vacation anywhere this year for the first time in many years, and honestly it is something I feel we all need. However I can't change our circumstances only my attitude and hopefully theirs. I'm going to do my level best to make everyone in this home feel we've had a vacation of sorts when the month is over. Daytrips, special meals, treats we seldom allow ourselves etc, just as though we had gone away.
#3 Continue to fight with the grocery budget. Ultimately we've hit one goal since I decided to cut back so hard on our grocery expenses: senior pictures were paid for and ordered. Next goal: get the Christmas shopping done. I'm allotting myself $400 and two and half months to finish it off. For the majority on my list I have an idea of what I want to gift, all things within reach and entirely possible. For a few, I need to make plans and get out and actively seek the items I want to give.
I can't lie: this cutting back has been tough and we're showing the strain in our pantry and freezer which are considerably less full than they were previously. However, we haven't missed a meal, I have far less waste overall and we're eating good basic foods once more which is just fine.
September goals:
Moving my body didn't exactly work my way. I ended up with serious pain that limited my normally limited movement. I felt downright ancient and unhealthy, which I think led to the increased susceptibility to the cold that attacked me, and yes, I do believe there is a strong connection between our mental and physical state. I've said before that exercise without purpose just isn't for me. If bending and stooping and working about the yard or house are out I don't know which way to turn. I'm disappointed in my results for the month, that's for sure.
Eating seasonally isn't that hard a stretch, but at some point in every week I became aware that I was woefully out of balance in the high fiber, raw foods category. On the other hand, all those wonderful 'treats' I mentioned....didn't get a single one of them made except the Butternut cake, which I didn't get a bite of because ants attacked it before we could cut it.
Fall cleaning: I'm in about the same place I was when I last wrote. The kitchen is 'mostly' done. One side (the side with the fewest cabinets) is in need. And we've got mice. Caught one, and just saw another. Being sidelined for September brought deep cleaning to a grinding halt. And boy does my house really need it.
What did I rediscover last month? Some pretty dishes that I do really love and want to see more of. I got rid of a lot of stuff that prevented my easily getting to the pieces I love most.
Increasing my understanding is still ongoing, hence goal #1 for October.
Accepting Abundance has been a stretch, especially when it seemed at times that the more we did to cut back the more we had to spend. However, that determination did keep me from picking up endless oddities and pretties to stash in hidden corners when I allowed myself a thrift shop day last month. I asked myself key questions: will it serve a present need, what will spending this money here not allow me to do that would better enhance my life,etc. When I realized that buying up a bunch of stuff would prohibit my buying a much needed pair of shoes, the choice was easy. I got the shoes at month's end and for a darned good price too.
I didn't do a single thing about gratitude. Not one line written on a daily basis. This is something I really do need to return to doing and work on.
Not one bulb planted. Not even bought for that matter. Sigh.
All that said, I can say that I finally got the laptop online and even better, we went wireless. I am typing this post on it. I can't claim the glory in this however. My daughter, realizing I felt too ill to bother with moving to the computer desk and sitting there for any length of time decided to buy a wireless router, install it and program the computer for wireless connections. Mind you, she wasn't being totally selfless. She recently got a netbook and wanted the wireless connection for herself as well, but she didn't make a move to purchase and install it until I was sick.
And so that's the past five weeks in a not so small nutshell. I will make a greater effort to get back inline with this whole project for the remainder of this month.
What I've bumped against over and over again this month is that I feel helpless, grieved, and hurt: spiritually, physically and emotionally. Every single situation has left me facing anger at my own sense of inadequacy and struggling with the feeling that I am not coping well with life in general. This is not fact, it's merely how I feel. I've had to make a lot, a LOT, of reality checks this month.
First came a realization of sorts brought on by a semi-crisis of sorts. I won't go into details but it involved our church and a deep disappointment about a situation that we have only a smattering of details from two of the involved parties and no word at all from the third to judge more clearly by. However the whole thing pointed up yet again that we were not in the place we wanted to be. Major drama here at home has been ongoing for months every time church going time approached and after this situation it was increased by 10 fold.
A decision finally was made to take a sabbatical, to step aside and see if we viewed things differently when we weren't smack in the middle of the seeming fray. It was a big decision, one we'd actually made a year ago and then just as we were to begin, my husband thought better of it and we didn't take the time off. A year later, we'd truly reached a point where it just wasn't a joy to go to church, though we put a darned good face on it...but you know how things are that are smashed beneath the surface to hide them. They have the nastiest habit of popping out inappropriately.
So, a sabbatical from our church. That was a major step for us both, involving a lot of sorting out of emotions, ideals, grief, hurts, confusion. We were determined to go to church somewhere during that time and we did visit at three different churches. It was such a blessing to be in all the services we attended. Without the weight of duties, knowledge of behind the scenes dramas and strife, with nothing to do but simply sit and worship and learn we felt a huge weight lift. And the clarity came, though I cannot say the decision reached was the on we we really wanted to make. Ultimately, we decided to step away from our current church home and seek out another church in which to worship. And we've decided to take our time and find a new place that truly fits us.
While we were dealing with church issues, Granny's dementia has increased to the point that it truly has become an exercise in grief to be with her. I won't give up my little portion of time willingly with her. I know that at this stage each day is a precious gift. She is still at home, living on her own. We've had a pattern about our visits so that I've been with her some portion of every week, but the past two weeks I've been very ill with a cold that hit me hard. I've noticed that at some point these days, when I've not been around for a few days, she'll call me with questions about some of her delusions, usually about sundown (hence the medical community term "sundowners syndrome"). My past experience dealing with dementia/alzheimer's patients in the nursing home has led me to believe the best way to handle the situation is to play along with the delusional part while gently making statements about time/place/date/real life that redirects the attention to the factual. This has worked well for me with Granny thus far. It doesn't stop her believing that there are other people about on the place, but it does reassure her in some way that all is as it should be.
All that said, I am losing a best friend, mentor and beloved family member by inches every day that passes. And that hurts more than I can share. And it brings up issues of not only impending loss but of aging in general, my own family relationships that are scattered over this nation, and more. Lots of grief and tears and not any of it changes a thing one whit.
My daughter's health issues continue to be a concern. She isn't well, but we can't quite pinpoint what is wrong with her. Officially she's fully recovered from mono. She is now having female problems that are painful and causing hot flashes and mood swings and too frequent periods,etc. She is just 17. I feel helpless in many ways and for many reasons. The medical community relies heavily on the standards when it comes to youth and female woes: The GP refers her to a gynocologist, who assures us it will all work out in time, do a pap smear, put her on birth control to regulate the period and gee there's nothing else we can do until we try this. It feels a bit like being in the dark ages all over again. Hello. She's 17. 17yr olds do NOT have hot flashes. Her pain has been largely ignored, despite the fact that she weeps with it being so bad. My daughter is not one to cry.
This is beginning to sound like I had a pretty tough month last month, and you know what? I did. No kidding. I struggled with these other issues and pushed myself too hard to do some much needed work in the yard and house and ended up sidelined with some deeply serious pain and so wasn't able to do a thing for two weeks and the only reason it let up at all was that I got sick with what has proven to be one of the worst head and chest colds I've had in ten years, which has gone on nearly two weeks. I literally was in bed or resting quietly in a chair for over a week. I haven't been this ill in a long time and I don't like the feeling of weakness it gave me.
I feel, quite honestly as though the past five weeks were a total waste of time in all my selected goal areas. And having already backtracked my calendar for four weeks previously, I am darned reluctant to do the same all over again. And so there are thoughts of scrapping it all and tossing the whole plan aside one more time and never revisiting it. But I can't do that. This ideal of 70 weeks of Living Inspired made a large impact on me at the time it occurred the first time. I've been sidelined twice. I just cannot give up a third time.
So that leaves me here: Moving on, despite the major bumps in the road. That old saying about when the going gets tough the tough gets going is my motto at the moment. I'm going all right, I'm moving right ahead and darned if I'm giving up. NOW is just a season and this season would have occurred at some point anyway. Seasons do. That's how they are.
I've met a few goals. I am very conscious of how I present myself for one thing. I am a creative person. It seems to me when I leave the house something of that creativity ought to show. I'm fairly reserved and prefer classic tailored clothing over the bohemian, but I'm learning there are many ways to creatively express who I am in my dress regardless of my style.
I've not lost one ounce of weight that I'm aware of, but I know that I am overall eating better. And it's almost becoming second nature to reach for the vegetables first and then finish filling my plate with meat and bread and dessert in smaller portions. Not always, but more often.
I've learned to be more aware of my personal boundaries and which ones really need to be honored and which really need to be tested. It helped a lot to hear a wonderful sermon series on Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The pastor pointed out that in this day and age we've become a little too quick to tear down all the walls when in fact some of the walls need to be there and for good reason. I'm learning to distinquish between the two.
So ten days into October what are my goals for the month? At this point I'm darned tempted to say to get through October and get as far away from September as I possibly can! That however is a statement of fear, not a statement of belief that I deserve to live out an Inspired Life. So here are my goals for the month of October:
#1 I've got this horrid tendency to think that because I'm comfortable in a certain area that things should stay within those parameters. I think I can figure out how things should operate better than God possibly can work things out, tend to give advice based on my own comfort, etc. Ultimately it's a combination of arrogance and lack of trust, neither of which speaks that well of me or my attitude overall. I know that the determination to change a character trait isn't going to make it easy to change. I do believe however, that change can occur if we are at least aware of the need to do something differently and are willing to try.
#2 My husband has all but a few days of this month off from work. We won't be going on vacation anywhere this year for the first time in many years, and honestly it is something I feel we all need. However I can't change our circumstances only my attitude and hopefully theirs. I'm going to do my level best to make everyone in this home feel we've had a vacation of sorts when the month is over. Daytrips, special meals, treats we seldom allow ourselves etc, just as though we had gone away.
#3 Continue to fight with the grocery budget. Ultimately we've hit one goal since I decided to cut back so hard on our grocery expenses: senior pictures were paid for and ordered. Next goal: get the Christmas shopping done. I'm allotting myself $400 and two and half months to finish it off. For the majority on my list I have an idea of what I want to gift, all things within reach and entirely possible. For a few, I need to make plans and get out and actively seek the items I want to give.
I can't lie: this cutting back has been tough and we're showing the strain in our pantry and freezer which are considerably less full than they were previously. However, we haven't missed a meal, I have far less waste overall and we're eating good basic foods once more which is just fine.
September goals:
Moving my body didn't exactly work my way. I ended up with serious pain that limited my normally limited movement. I felt downright ancient and unhealthy, which I think led to the increased susceptibility to the cold that attacked me, and yes, I do believe there is a strong connection between our mental and physical state. I've said before that exercise without purpose just isn't for me. If bending and stooping and working about the yard or house are out I don't know which way to turn. I'm disappointed in my results for the month, that's for sure.
Eating seasonally isn't that hard a stretch, but at some point in every week I became aware that I was woefully out of balance in the high fiber, raw foods category. On the other hand, all those wonderful 'treats' I mentioned....didn't get a single one of them made except the Butternut cake, which I didn't get a bite of because ants attacked it before we could cut it.
Fall cleaning: I'm in about the same place I was when I last wrote. The kitchen is 'mostly' done. One side (the side with the fewest cabinets) is in need. And we've got mice. Caught one, and just saw another. Being sidelined for September brought deep cleaning to a grinding halt. And boy does my house really need it.
What did I rediscover last month? Some pretty dishes that I do really love and want to see more of. I got rid of a lot of stuff that prevented my easily getting to the pieces I love most.
Increasing my understanding is still ongoing, hence goal #1 for October.
Accepting Abundance has been a stretch, especially when it seemed at times that the more we did to cut back the more we had to spend. However, that determination did keep me from picking up endless oddities and pretties to stash in hidden corners when I allowed myself a thrift shop day last month. I asked myself key questions: will it serve a present need, what will spending this money here not allow me to do that would better enhance my life,etc. When I realized that buying up a bunch of stuff would prohibit my buying a much needed pair of shoes, the choice was easy. I got the shoes at month's end and for a darned good price too.
I didn't do a single thing about gratitude. Not one line written on a daily basis. This is something I really do need to return to doing and work on.
Not one bulb planted. Not even bought for that matter. Sigh.
All that said, I can say that I finally got the laptop online and even better, we went wireless. I am typing this post on it. I can't claim the glory in this however. My daughter, realizing I felt too ill to bother with moving to the computer desk and sitting there for any length of time decided to buy a wireless router, install it and program the computer for wireless connections. Mind you, she wasn't being totally selfless. She recently got a netbook and wanted the wireless connection for herself as well, but she didn't make a move to purchase and install it until I was sick.
And so that's the past five weeks in a not so small nutshell. I will make a greater effort to get back inline with this whole project for the remainder of this month.
What I've bumped against over and over again this month is that I feel helpless, grieved, and hurt: spiritually, physically and emotionally. Every single situation has left me facing anger at my own sense of inadequacy and struggling with the feeling that I am not coping well with life in general. This is not fact, it's merely how I feel. I've had to make a lot, a LOT, of reality checks this month.
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