Looking Ahead: New Year New Outlook

I always find myself a bit obsessed with the change of year. The ability to start afresh and renew myself is fascinating. And this year, I most certainly feel the need of a fresh start in many ways.

This year just past has really pointed out many weaknesses. I am prone to think of myself as old. Where exactly did this notion creep in? The truth is that my children tease us often about being old, but it isn't they who make me feel old. I think it's crept in in a variety of ways.

For one thing the physicality of myself has changed. I'm actually in less pain than I have been in years...but there are hitches and catches in my bone makeup now that sometimes cause me to gimp about a bit. I think this is related to the limited mobility I've had in the past twenty years. It's hard not to feel old when one walks with a limp or stiffness in a joint.

The other thing is the sheer weight of weariness that overwhelms me occasionally, though that too is vastly improved. I'm learning to take the time to rest especially when I've had a broken night of sleep.

What else makes me feel old? Words spoken over me in prayer by my husband often focuses on my occasional tiredness and pain as an 'always' thing too often...Yes, it is hard to remember how much better I am when the focus continues to be on the negative no matter how lightened I feel in that area. I'm learning as these words are spoken to say silently "Thank you God, I don't hurt so very much anymore. Thank you Lord for lifting that spirit of tiredness off me."  I must learn to guard my own words and not always voice my aches and pains and tiredness.

Graying hair...More and more to cover with the Miss Clairol these days, lol. A bit of added weight which causes me to sag and bag a bit more. Seeing Granny so old...Now it may sound odd that Granny's giving way to old age has affected me so but it has. We were well matched in vitality until the past two years and seeing her grown so frail and shrinking so in size and stature has helped change my own image of myself.

My decreased level of adventurousness, the ability to see dangers where before I wouldn't have considered the 'bad' things so much (identity theft, fear of traveling alone, unwillingness to trust car away from home, etc). That makes me feel old, too.

Changing roles: I'm no longer actively parenting...and while I am not terribly bereaved over that loss, I am still trying to find my way a bit. Perhaps if the grandchildren were nearby and I had more hands on dealings with them I wouldn't feel so at odds. Youth requires a youthful heart in those nearest them...

So yesterday as I was piddling about here in the house following a Christmas holiday that hadn't at all gone as planned, just as Thanksgiving had all been blown to bits as well, lol) I was thinking about how OLD I am now and how my expectations have changed and how my outlook and focus has changed and I was feeling a bit blue, a bit depressed even.  Then I was brought up short by fact. I am ONLY 51 going on 52.
I have before me 20,30, 35 or more good vital years. Heck there are more people living to ages beyond 100.  Genetically speaking I've had far more relatives live into the mid to late 90's than the average.   I'm not afraid of dying mind you, and certainly not of dying of old age. After all that only means that I step from this life into an eternal life, so no fear there. No, it's not fear. It's just I needed to adjust my thinking. Granny was vitally present in her own life both physically and mentally until 2 years ago. WHY am I giving up 40 years earlier?!

So what I really need is a chiropractor of the mind, someone to adjust my thinking and get all the cricks out of the processes. I can only try to do this myself as I am not really feeling the need of deep psychological help, just a bit of jolting.

To that end, this year I resolve to:
Move my body. Stretch, bend, walk with my sight set on some restoration of flexibility and suppleness. Pilates and simple exercises, nothing terribly strenuous.

Eat healthily. It may sound odd but I have a tendency to eschew fat (I blame it on the day and age I grew up in) and so I want to introduce healthy fat into my life and eliminate some of the sugar, processed food items etc. from my eating. I'd like to eat two servings raw fruit and veg daily. Get back on task with my vitamin/mineral therapy which has helped tremendously in how I feel and continue to do research and add supplements. I'm not talking diet per se, but I would like to lose 10% of my current body weight.

Be more adventuresome. Gracious goodness there's a whole world out there to see, explore, review and there's a world within reach via daily car trips. I need to stretch my adventure spirit as well as my body.

Be creative once more. All the growing up years my children distracted me from my pursuits. It wasn't unfortunate but it did make being creative a real challenge. I have the ability to create a small space all my own. I plan to renew my love of art by drawing, sewing, writing, creating. I want to have an ongoing project or six.

Learn, learn, learn. This past year I had to learn to do two or three things that really pushed me to use my head. I used to pursue an annual study of some subject or another, just for the sheer joy of learning. So why not do this once more? A new skill, a new subject, a new pursuit...

Be less rigid. Open my mind a little wider, my heart a little wider, let go of my fear of spontaneity and free myself from planning endlessly. Stretch my mind as I stretch my body. Rigidity is really a fear of sorts and I am so over fearful living.

And so, there you have it, my own desire to face the new year with a different attitude and approach to life.

Coming Full Circle

Several years ago, the older of my two younger brothers committed suicide. This left my family reeling. It also deeply affected the lives of a young couple who had been close friends with him. We all came together in grieving during that time and eventually my immediate family and I began to attend church with the couple in a nearby town.

One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.

We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.

It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.

We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.

We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.

And how like God to bring us full circle...