I always find myself a bit obsessed with the change of year. The ability to start afresh and renew myself is fascinating. And this year, I most certainly feel the need of a fresh start in many ways.
This year just past has really pointed out many weaknesses. I am prone to think of myself as old. Where exactly did this notion creep in? The truth is that my children tease us often about being old, but it isn't they who make me feel old. I think it's crept in in a variety of ways.
For one thing the physicality of myself has changed. I'm actually in less pain than I have been in years...but there are hitches and catches in my bone makeup now that sometimes cause me to gimp about a bit. I think this is related to the limited mobility I've had in the past twenty years. It's hard not to feel old when one walks with a limp or stiffness in a joint.
The other thing is the sheer weight of weariness that overwhelms me occasionally, though that too is vastly improved. I'm learning to take the time to rest especially when I've had a broken night of sleep.
What else makes me feel old? Words spoken over me in prayer by my husband often focuses on my occasional tiredness and pain as an 'always' thing too often...Yes, it is hard to remember how much better I am when the focus continues to be on the negative no matter how lightened I feel in that area. I'm learning as these words are spoken to say silently "Thank you God, I don't hurt so very much anymore. Thank you Lord for lifting that spirit of tiredness off me." I must learn to guard my own words and not always voice my aches and pains and tiredness.
Graying hair...More and more to cover with the Miss Clairol these days, lol. A bit of added weight which causes me to sag and bag a bit more. Seeing Granny so old...Now it may sound odd that Granny's giving way to old age has affected me so but it has. We were well matched in vitality until the past two years and seeing her grown so frail and shrinking so in size and stature has helped change my own image of myself.
My decreased level of adventurousness, the ability to see dangers where before I wouldn't have considered the 'bad' things so much (identity theft, fear of traveling alone, unwillingness to trust car away from home, etc). That makes me feel old, too.
Changing roles: I'm no longer actively parenting...and while I am not terribly bereaved over that loss, I am still trying to find my way a bit. Perhaps if the grandchildren were nearby and I had more hands on dealings with them I wouldn't feel so at odds. Youth requires a youthful heart in those nearest them...
So yesterday as I was piddling about here in the house following a Christmas holiday that hadn't at all gone as planned, just as Thanksgiving had all been blown to bits as well, lol) I was thinking about how OLD I am now and how my expectations have changed and how my outlook and focus has changed and I was feeling a bit blue, a bit depressed even. Then I was brought up short by fact. I am ONLY 51 going on 52.
I have before me 20,30, 35 or more good vital years. Heck there are more people living to ages beyond 100. Genetically speaking I've had far more relatives live into the mid to late 90's than the average. I'm not afraid of dying mind you, and certainly not of dying of old age. After all that only means that I step from this life into an eternal life, so no fear there. No, it's not fear. It's just I needed to adjust my thinking. Granny was vitally present in her own life both physically and mentally until 2 years ago. WHY am I giving up 40 years earlier?!
So what I really need is a chiropractor of the mind, someone to adjust my thinking and get all the cricks out of the processes. I can only try to do this myself as I am not really feeling the need of deep psychological help, just a bit of jolting.
To that end, this year I resolve to:
Move my body. Stretch, bend, walk with my sight set on some restoration of flexibility and suppleness. Pilates and simple exercises, nothing terribly strenuous.
Eat healthily. It may sound odd but I have a tendency to eschew fat (I blame it on the day and age I grew up in) and so I want to introduce healthy fat into my life and eliminate some of the sugar, processed food items etc. from my eating. I'd like to eat two servings raw fruit and veg daily. Get back on task with my vitamin/mineral therapy which has helped tremendously in how I feel and continue to do research and add supplements. I'm not talking diet per se, but I would like to lose 10% of my current body weight.
Be more adventuresome. Gracious goodness there's a whole world out there to see, explore, review and there's a world within reach via daily car trips. I need to stretch my adventure spirit as well as my body.
Be creative once more. All the growing up years my children distracted me from my pursuits. It wasn't unfortunate but it did make being creative a real challenge. I have the ability to create a small space all my own. I plan to renew my love of art by drawing, sewing, writing, creating. I want to have an ongoing project or six.
Learn, learn, learn. This past year I had to learn to do two or three things that really pushed me to use my head. I used to pursue an annual study of some subject or another, just for the sheer joy of learning. So why not do this once more? A new skill, a new subject, a new pursuit...
Be less rigid. Open my mind a little wider, my heart a little wider, let go of my fear of spontaneity and free myself from planning endlessly. Stretch my mind as I stretch my body. Rigidity is really a fear of sorts and I am so over fearful living.
And so, there you have it, my own desire to face the new year with a different attitude and approach to life.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Coming Full Circle
Several years ago, the older of my two younger brothers committed suicide. This left my family reeling. It also deeply affected the lives of a young couple who had been close friends with him. We all came together in grieving during that time and eventually my immediate family and I began to attend church with the couple in a nearby town.
One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.
We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.
It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.
We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.
We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.
And how like God to bring us full circle...
One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.
We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.
It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.
We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.
We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.
And how like God to bring us full circle...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Identity Crisis: Growing through Subtraction
Sometimes we reach a place in our faith walk where we feel very comfortable. Self assured. Smug, perhaps. I was pretty sure I knew God intimately, but just in case, you know, for the sake of appearances, I'd pray and ask Him to let me know Him more intimately...
The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.
I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.
God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.
I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.
Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.
I want to know you more intimately, Lord....
When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me? I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her. I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home. But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.
Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?
Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.
My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.
We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.
Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head. It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed. I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.
I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful. That was my theory anyway.
Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.
And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.
Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.
The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.
I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.
God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.
I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.
Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.
I want to know you more intimately, Lord....
When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me? I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her. I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home. But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.
Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?
Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.
My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.
We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.
Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head. It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed. I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.
I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful. That was my theory anyway.
Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.
And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.
Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Six Months Later...
I just read my last post about turning things over to G-d and allowing Him to take care of things. Hindsight: Everything then worked out just fine. It just took a bit of time to sort out. Not my time, but G-d time. And I need to remember that right now, too.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Avoidance, Tears and Goals
I've been involved in a game of late that has become my own personal little hideaway. As a former compulsive eater, I've found new ways to cope with life's worries and woes and have replaced one obsession with another. Instead of food, I shelter in games. My current favorite is an online game that limits me to 5 1/2 mins of play time. That's not to say I only play the game for 5 1/2 mins but that each game only lasts that long. Typically I play between 3 and 6 games and then I go do something else. Occasionally this means I may play for an hour or two, but I try to reserve those times for end of day when my duties have been completed.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Week 40 Day 1 - Drifting Along
It's been an odd sort of month. I was explaining my feelings to my husband this morning as we drove over to a friend's home. I told him how I'd felt that his music ministry was to be our ministry and had discovered this month that indeed it is his ministry and not mine at all. In fact, if I were anything at all in the music end of things I should be a distraction from his purpose. I really really miss singing. In fact, I've even felt some grief over our last church where I did sing with the praise team (and very much enjoyed it). However it is plain to me that singing with my husband is not where my Lord and God wants me at this moment in time.
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Week 36 Day 1 - Inspired to DO
Hello there. I know I've been a long while between posts this go round and I do apologize. You see, I've been busy. Instead of just looking for inspiration I've been busy DO-ing inspiration. And this week I want to look forward to March and the inspirations that I can dream and live all over again.
I managed several goals from last month. I put money into savings...and turned and took it out again to cover two unexpected bills. Sigh. I guess I'm glad I had it to save in the first place, but it does seem a bit pointless when it must come right back out, lol.
I finished the seat cushion I'd put off finishing on the reupholstered chair because I was afraid it was going to be tough. And it was kind of hard at points. I had to lay it down and go away and think about it and come back to it. I didn't have the zipper needed, and I haven't made the time to get to the fabric store to buy one. But I do have it on the cushion and overall it looks very well.
My husband wanted to give a going away dinner for a young friend who was headed to bootcamp. For the past year I've been campaigning to move my dining table into the proper dining room, but my husband had been very resistant. However, the dinner party, small as it was to be, was the final shove in my battle. Unexpectedly, we were to add two more guests. I'd had quite enough of cramming eight grown adults around my dining table which was squeezed into the breakfast area. Even my husband saw that to continue to do so was silliness.
So the dining table got moved to the dining room. To have enough room for all our guests around the table was wonderful. And the table was fully extended with both leaves in place as well. My daughter quickly took charge of hanging my beautiful rooster pictures in the area.
I learned this month also to do power point slides, and to operate both the scan and copy features of my printer. All of that might sound simple enough, but honestly I was unable to figure this printer out. We've had it for well over a year and just to get the persnickety thing to print when asked is difficult enough. This month I managed to conquer the printer. As for the power point slides, I was asked to learn how to do these so that I might help with the music program at church. I was nervous about this, but I found it wasn't nearly so difficult as I feared. Frankly I felt very proud of myself for learning these new skills and for finally accomplishing two major projects in my home.
My 'play date' went very well. I was very nervous. Worried my needlessly about my acquaintance not understanding my physical limitations nor my silly little anxieties. However, she has a chronic illness and understood very well indeed. I had the pleasure of being taken through some beautiful country highways I've never before been on. Lovely old federal farmhouses abounded. I ended up completely enjoying the day.
I took advantage of a buy one get one free offer on Vitamin/Mineral products and got Vitamin D. I've been reading for several months now about the benefits of Vitamin D, when taken in doses as high as 2000mg per day. More and more reports show that it is a common factor in fatigue and pain in women, who seem to be the most deficient in this necessary vitamin. I have found that in just the few weeks I've been taking this supplement I am more energetic and feeling less brain fog than in many months past.
Goals for the coming month of March:
Of course, I want to put money into savings again. I cannot shake the feeling that for all the assurances our economy is improving that I should be taking every single opportunity to save. I've also determined to stick hard to my grocery budget of $450for the month. Last month I managed to save $30, coming in at $420.
I've gotten really bogged down in Exodus and Leviticus this month. I managed to finish both books, but I am not inline with the daily reading schedule at all. I will perservere. I have yet to begin the Names of G-d study I'd intended to do this year. I would like to begin that study this month, but I am finding all Old Testament a bit dry. I need to add Psalms or New Testament to it I think, if I don't begin the study I plan.
We've guests coming in the first part of this month to spend a week. I've been a little anxious about this visit, but in a good way. We will be meeting our youngest grandson for the first time. We're very much looking forward to this time. In fact, this visit is part of the reason why our savings is nonexistent this month. We bought a bed for the baby and an air mattress for his parents. I've borrowed a high chair, bought baby food, picked up baby blankets. I am prayerful the visit will be blessed.
I plan to buy St. Johns Wort which is supposed to help with anxiety, nervousness and help promote a good night of sleep as well. I wake frequently each night and sometimes have trouble falling asleep. I thought I'd try this supplement for a month or two, since the Vitamin D has appeared to be so very beneficial.
I'd like to tackle another UFO project: painting the unpainted cabinet in my bathroom.
I am currently searching the back issues of my Victoria magazines for inspiration. I will report on those inspirations a little later in the week.
I managed several goals from last month. I put money into savings...and turned and took it out again to cover two unexpected bills. Sigh. I guess I'm glad I had it to save in the first place, but it does seem a bit pointless when it must come right back out, lol.
I finished the seat cushion I'd put off finishing on the reupholstered chair because I was afraid it was going to be tough. And it was kind of hard at points. I had to lay it down and go away and think about it and come back to it. I didn't have the zipper needed, and I haven't made the time to get to the fabric store to buy one. But I do have it on the cushion and overall it looks very well.
My husband wanted to give a going away dinner for a young friend who was headed to bootcamp. For the past year I've been campaigning to move my dining table into the proper dining room, but my husband had been very resistant. However, the dinner party, small as it was to be, was the final shove in my battle. Unexpectedly, we were to add two more guests. I'd had quite enough of cramming eight grown adults around my dining table which was squeezed into the breakfast area. Even my husband saw that to continue to do so was silliness.
So the dining table got moved to the dining room. To have enough room for all our guests around the table was wonderful. And the table was fully extended with both leaves in place as well. My daughter quickly took charge of hanging my beautiful rooster pictures in the area.
I learned this month also to do power point slides, and to operate both the scan and copy features of my printer. All of that might sound simple enough, but honestly I was unable to figure this printer out. We've had it for well over a year and just to get the persnickety thing to print when asked is difficult enough. This month I managed to conquer the printer. As for the power point slides, I was asked to learn how to do these so that I might help with the music program at church. I was nervous about this, but I found it wasn't nearly so difficult as I feared. Frankly I felt very proud of myself for learning these new skills and for finally accomplishing two major projects in my home.
My 'play date' went very well. I was very nervous. Worried my needlessly about my acquaintance not understanding my physical limitations nor my silly little anxieties. However, she has a chronic illness and understood very well indeed. I had the pleasure of being taken through some beautiful country highways I've never before been on. Lovely old federal farmhouses abounded. I ended up completely enjoying the day.
I took advantage of a buy one get one free offer on Vitamin/Mineral products and got Vitamin D. I've been reading for several months now about the benefits of Vitamin D, when taken in doses as high as 2000mg per day. More and more reports show that it is a common factor in fatigue and pain in women, who seem to be the most deficient in this necessary vitamin. I have found that in just the few weeks I've been taking this supplement I am more energetic and feeling less brain fog than in many months past.
Goals for the coming month of March:
Of course, I want to put money into savings again. I cannot shake the feeling that for all the assurances our economy is improving that I should be taking every single opportunity to save. I've also determined to stick hard to my grocery budget of $450for the month. Last month I managed to save $30, coming in at $420.
I've gotten really bogged down in Exodus and Leviticus this month. I managed to finish both books, but I am not inline with the daily reading schedule at all. I will perservere. I have yet to begin the Names of G-d study I'd intended to do this year. I would like to begin that study this month, but I am finding all Old Testament a bit dry. I need to add Psalms or New Testament to it I think, if I don't begin the study I plan.
We've guests coming in the first part of this month to spend a week. I've been a little anxious about this visit, but in a good way. We will be meeting our youngest grandson for the first time. We're very much looking forward to this time. In fact, this visit is part of the reason why our savings is nonexistent this month. We bought a bed for the baby and an air mattress for his parents. I've borrowed a high chair, bought baby food, picked up baby blankets. I am prayerful the visit will be blessed.
I plan to buy St. Johns Wort which is supposed to help with anxiety, nervousness and help promote a good night of sleep as well. I wake frequently each night and sometimes have trouble falling asleep. I thought I'd try this supplement for a month or two, since the Vitamin D has appeared to be so very beneficial.
I'd like to tackle another UFO project: painting the unpainted cabinet in my bathroom.
I am currently searching the back issues of my Victoria magazines for inspiration. I will report on those inspirations a little later in the week.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Inspirations Gained
I promised last night to share the results of my search for inspiration. A motley assortment to be sure, but that's the way inspiration strikes me. No rhyme nor reason to it.
I used Victoria magazines, all February issues, for this search for inspiration. I have to tell you, I really enjoy the older issues, as predictable as they were. I mean, we KNEW every February it was going to be about roses...however, I found the later issues really offputting when they began putting prices on all the pages. At the time, I was having a hard time financially...To see how high the prices were on the items was really difficult for me. I felt I could never afford those items. Even now, when we're out of debt these items are still, for the most part, out of my reach. However, inspiration knows no price. And sometimes it isn't the cost of an item, it's achieving the same look for next to nothing.
Case in point: a lovely cool green-blue dining room with a beautiful crystal chandelier. The table was the show. It was covered with a simple white cloth, simple white ironstone dishes and deep emerald green crystal glasses. The centerpiece is what is so breathtaking. Two large savoy cabbages, a white ironstone platter with three cantaloupes and two purple plums(?) brown figs(?). Wow! Inspiration born and you know what? I CAN afford this! I have white damask cloth and napkins, deep green glasses (not crystal but mine will work), ironstone plates. I'm inspired to look more closely at the produce in my kitchen. And in the grocery store.
Now honestly, to me, this table has more to do with a summer look than a winter one. However, sometimes it's not a matter of looking only for inspiration for the current season. Sometimes we have to look ahead. Here's another inspiration for summer: Bare floors (this is the only time I regret having carpet), lace curtains, muslin slipcovers. Lace...It's such a feminine fabric isn't it? And for some reason, dotted Swiss came to mind. I'd love to have dotted Swiss at a window, too. Do they even make dotted Swiss any longer?
So that's two inspirations. Here are a few more thoughts/inspirations I got while looking through these wonderful magazines. I won't bore you with every one I came up with (36,by the way) but just try to give you a cross section of the ideas that floated through.
February issues/Valentines: It's a gimme on that too. I had several ideas of things I'd like to do to for my family and friends. Some involved handmade items, some store bought. I often have paper doilies on hand this time of year to use in handmade Valentines or to display treats. Here's an idea I haven't had: Cut out the center of a doily and use the 'lace' to mat a photo or picture...
Food ideas: Lemon/raspberry fillings in a white cake with lemon frosting
Jellies and jams: Apple rosemary, apple cider marmalade, ginger pear butter...would love to make my own 'speciality' jams and jellies. Why not pair apple cider, apple slices and chicken? Tangerine filling in coconut cake. Tangerine syrup over pecan pancakes...
Authors to check out: Susan Minot, Rumer Godden (A House with Four Rooms), Rita Dove (The House that Jill Built), poet Marianne Moore. Was Emma Balfour's civil war diary published?
Artist/Designers to look up: Henri Le Sidaner, Childe Hassan. Claire Murray online? Rose Cumming room designs, old photos online?
Flowers: White roses in grey/taupe vase. White roses in milk glass. Bright primroses planted in pretty china cups (cracked will do fine for this)
Garden plants: Are cyclamens hardy to Zone 8? Snowdrop bulbs. Best for naturalization: Galanthus Nivalus, look for 'Barbara's Double' as well.
Tablesetting: Wintertime Cozy: Tapestry/Challis cloth, warm colored china rimmed in gold, Red pears and nuts in a rusty iron looking bowl (I have something similar I just took out to the shed), horn handled flatware (saw some at the antique store the other day very reasonable)...
And that is how I get inspired. What about you?
I used Victoria magazines, all February issues, for this search for inspiration. I have to tell you, I really enjoy the older issues, as predictable as they were. I mean, we KNEW every February it was going to be about roses...however, I found the later issues really offputting when they began putting prices on all the pages. At the time, I was having a hard time financially...To see how high the prices were on the items was really difficult for me. I felt I could never afford those items. Even now, when we're out of debt these items are still, for the most part, out of my reach. However, inspiration knows no price. And sometimes it isn't the cost of an item, it's achieving the same look for next to nothing.
Case in point: a lovely cool green-blue dining room with a beautiful crystal chandelier. The table was the show. It was covered with a simple white cloth, simple white ironstone dishes and deep emerald green crystal glasses. The centerpiece is what is so breathtaking. Two large savoy cabbages, a white ironstone platter with three cantaloupes and two purple plums(?) brown figs(?). Wow! Inspiration born and you know what? I CAN afford this! I have white damask cloth and napkins, deep green glasses (not crystal but mine will work), ironstone plates. I'm inspired to look more closely at the produce in my kitchen. And in the grocery store.
Now honestly, to me, this table has more to do with a summer look than a winter one. However, sometimes it's not a matter of looking only for inspiration for the current season. Sometimes we have to look ahead. Here's another inspiration for summer: Bare floors (this is the only time I regret having carpet), lace curtains, muslin slipcovers. Lace...It's such a feminine fabric isn't it? And for some reason, dotted Swiss came to mind. I'd love to have dotted Swiss at a window, too. Do they even make dotted Swiss any longer?
So that's two inspirations. Here are a few more thoughts/inspirations I got while looking through these wonderful magazines. I won't bore you with every one I came up with (36,by the way) but just try to give you a cross section of the ideas that floated through.
February issues/Valentines: It's a gimme on that too. I had several ideas of things I'd like to do to for my family and friends. Some involved handmade items, some store bought. I often have paper doilies on hand this time of year to use in handmade Valentines or to display treats. Here's an idea I haven't had: Cut out the center of a doily and use the 'lace' to mat a photo or picture...
Food ideas: Lemon/raspberry fillings in a white cake with lemon frosting
Jellies and jams: Apple rosemary, apple cider marmalade, ginger pear butter...would love to make my own 'speciality' jams and jellies. Why not pair apple cider, apple slices and chicken? Tangerine filling in coconut cake. Tangerine syrup over pecan pancakes...
Authors to check out: Susan Minot, Rumer Godden (A House with Four Rooms), Rita Dove (The House that Jill Built), poet Marianne Moore. Was Emma Balfour's civil war diary published?
Artist/Designers to look up: Henri Le Sidaner, Childe Hassan. Claire Murray online? Rose Cumming room designs, old photos online?
Flowers: White roses in grey/taupe vase. White roses in milk glass. Bright primroses planted in pretty china cups (cracked will do fine for this)
Garden plants: Are cyclamens hardy to Zone 8? Snowdrop bulbs. Best for naturalization: Galanthus Nivalus, look for 'Barbara's Double' as well.
Tablesetting: Wintertime Cozy: Tapestry/Challis cloth, warm colored china rimmed in gold, Red pears and nuts in a rusty iron looking bowl (I have something similar I just took out to the shed), horn handled flatware (saw some at the antique store the other day very reasonable)...
And that is how I get inspired. What about you?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Week 33/Day 7 A New Year of Sorts
Today I turned 51. I've had a very easy day of it, truly I have. It's suited me perfectly to rest and read. What am I reading? I am stuck on reading a blog from first post to the most recent. I am enthralled in the life of a girl who has more opportunities and heartaches than the average soul. I am caught up in the drama and trauma of a life not mine. Mind you I am not jealous. I know just why she blogs. I know why I blog. I am almost certain the reasons are the same. Her blog is wildly popular and why not? Her life is like the best/worst of things, a sort of Truman reality show that fascinates.
So why do I blog? Penny Ann was my writing exercise, my opportunity to hone the craft of writing and at the same time to be both a mentor to myself and to others who might not have the same knowledge of frugal homemaking that I've had. Blogging there kept me accountable, put me on my toes frugally speaking.
Blogging here is more about who I am aside from the part of me that is most definitely Penny Ann. The point was to be 'real'. What I've discovered is that in the blogging world, even with few readers, it's best to keep a certain amount of our lives private. The same thing that is true of spoken words is true of the written word. Say what you like, words can hurt and wound and do damage. Even if the forum in which you use them allows you to return and edit out the hurtful things, damage can still be done. I've found that I can't be as real as I'd like. There are things I'd like to say, thoughts I'd like to write out, but simply can't. There are things best left to journals. Secrets best not told anywhere except in confessions between God and I.
There are things I've shared that I sometimes wish I hadn't. I come across whiny and complaining and sounding petty. There are relationships I've written about that I feel disloyal for sharing and yet I share anyway, because I know that it's unlikely anyone in my family will read or report and others that I'd like to write out my angst about but don't dare and I am a little angry that I am imprisoned.
Writing is my solace, my way of letting off steam. I formerly used a journal. And now I think I'll return to that form of writing because frankly blogging isn't sufficient.
I didn't keep a journal until I was 13 years old. I began my journal and writing poetry at the same time. Writing saved me, it truly did. But I was hindered. You see, my parents thought absolutely nothing of invading my privacy and reading my journal. Fine, I understand that parents might do so in order to try and figure out what is going in their child's life, especially at that stage when you're a pre-teen and beginning to separate yourself from childhood. The trouble was that my parents quoted back whole passages of my journal at the dinner table, often in front of guests and harangued me about opinions, thoughts and dreams they thought were rebellious, undesirable or which misrepresented themselves in some way. I learned to get very clever about writing my real thoughts out in poems they couldn't interpret nor comprehend. And I learned to hide my journal in largely inacessible places that took some doing to get into.
When I married I was relieved to finally have my thoughts to myself, or so I thought. It didn't take long to discover that my husband was of my parents ilk. Quoting lines back to me at the dinner table no less. Accusing me of myriad things that he'd determined based on his own thougth processes and interpretation of what I wrote. Back to hiding for me.
It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally felt I could write in complete freedom. By this time however, my life was a shambles. Writing was too painful. Cursory entries only were made. And then I met the love of my life. Too tired from love and baby and children and job to write. I realized that I didn't quite trust this man to allow me the freedom to journal, to have private thoughts.
It took a little while to allow the full flow of my hurts/angers/distrust/resentments/angsts to flow onto the page. It was sooooo cathartic. Sometimes the pages got ugly ugly. Sometimes the pain was so great that I was too horrified by the rawness to read it. My husband proved trustworthy. My private thoughts remained private and secret, but I eventually found it necessary to destroy several years of those journals. There was too much pain, too much hurt and I was too ready to be over it all and move on with my life.
And then there came newsletters and blogs and I finally got a little tired of writing, so that I seldom broke out the journal at all. My current journal might see an entry once a month or six weeks.
This week, reading the messiness of the blogger's life that I've found so enthralling, I've missed my journaling. I've missed the opportunity to be naked on the page, letting it all hang out, reporting the things that thrilled me beyond words, that hurt me beyond measure, thoughts that might be unworthy but which floated through my brain. Sloughing off of little resentments and big. I've missed the opportunity to be myself.
So why did I begin writing here in the first place? Because I wanted pretty much what we all want. I wanted to find out if others felt they way I sometimes do. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in this world, as a frustrated writer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a woman with sometimes difficult personal relationships, as a dreamer. And you know what? I'm not. There are so many of us out here that it's important to acknowledge we are there for one another. But it's not enough at the same time.
All that to say this. I miss journaling. It's a more personal forum than blogging. And I need it. I need to write poetry once more. I need to return to my writing roots once again. I am not giving up blogging. Not here nor at Penny Ann. I am still inspired. This is just a further inspiration and one that I needed to figure out, which is what happened today on my way through a fellow blogger's ups and downs.
I did get my closet cleared out and organized. Step 2 is figuring out how to make it pretty as well as functional.
If I can get time tomorrow I'll share some of the things that are inspiring me this month, courtesy a stack of old Victoria magazines.
So why do I blog? Penny Ann was my writing exercise, my opportunity to hone the craft of writing and at the same time to be both a mentor to myself and to others who might not have the same knowledge of frugal homemaking that I've had. Blogging there kept me accountable, put me on my toes frugally speaking.
Blogging here is more about who I am aside from the part of me that is most definitely Penny Ann. The point was to be 'real'. What I've discovered is that in the blogging world, even with few readers, it's best to keep a certain amount of our lives private. The same thing that is true of spoken words is true of the written word. Say what you like, words can hurt and wound and do damage. Even if the forum in which you use them allows you to return and edit out the hurtful things, damage can still be done. I've found that I can't be as real as I'd like. There are things I'd like to say, thoughts I'd like to write out, but simply can't. There are things best left to journals. Secrets best not told anywhere except in confessions between God and I.
There are things I've shared that I sometimes wish I hadn't. I come across whiny and complaining and sounding petty. There are relationships I've written about that I feel disloyal for sharing and yet I share anyway, because I know that it's unlikely anyone in my family will read or report and others that I'd like to write out my angst about but don't dare and I am a little angry that I am imprisoned.
Writing is my solace, my way of letting off steam. I formerly used a journal. And now I think I'll return to that form of writing because frankly blogging isn't sufficient.
I didn't keep a journal until I was 13 years old. I began my journal and writing poetry at the same time. Writing saved me, it truly did. But I was hindered. You see, my parents thought absolutely nothing of invading my privacy and reading my journal. Fine, I understand that parents might do so in order to try and figure out what is going in their child's life, especially at that stage when you're a pre-teen and beginning to separate yourself from childhood. The trouble was that my parents quoted back whole passages of my journal at the dinner table, often in front of guests and harangued me about opinions, thoughts and dreams they thought were rebellious, undesirable or which misrepresented themselves in some way. I learned to get very clever about writing my real thoughts out in poems they couldn't interpret nor comprehend. And I learned to hide my journal in largely inacessible places that took some doing to get into.
When I married I was relieved to finally have my thoughts to myself, or so I thought. It didn't take long to discover that my husband was of my parents ilk. Quoting lines back to me at the dinner table no less. Accusing me of myriad things that he'd determined based on his own thougth processes and interpretation of what I wrote. Back to hiding for me.
It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally felt I could write in complete freedom. By this time however, my life was a shambles. Writing was too painful. Cursory entries only were made. And then I met the love of my life. Too tired from love and baby and children and job to write. I realized that I didn't quite trust this man to allow me the freedom to journal, to have private thoughts.
It took a little while to allow the full flow of my hurts/angers/distrust/resentments/angsts to flow onto the page. It was sooooo cathartic. Sometimes the pages got ugly ugly. Sometimes the pain was so great that I was too horrified by the rawness to read it. My husband proved trustworthy. My private thoughts remained private and secret, but I eventually found it necessary to destroy several years of those journals. There was too much pain, too much hurt and I was too ready to be over it all and move on with my life.
And then there came newsletters and blogs and I finally got a little tired of writing, so that I seldom broke out the journal at all. My current journal might see an entry once a month or six weeks.
This week, reading the messiness of the blogger's life that I've found so enthralling, I've missed my journaling. I've missed the opportunity to be naked on the page, letting it all hang out, reporting the things that thrilled me beyond words, that hurt me beyond measure, thoughts that might be unworthy but which floated through my brain. Sloughing off of little resentments and big. I've missed the opportunity to be myself.
So why did I begin writing here in the first place? Because I wanted pretty much what we all want. I wanted to find out if others felt they way I sometimes do. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in this world, as a frustrated writer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a woman with sometimes difficult personal relationships, as a dreamer. And you know what? I'm not. There are so many of us out here that it's important to acknowledge we are there for one another. But it's not enough at the same time.
All that to say this. I miss journaling. It's a more personal forum than blogging. And I need it. I need to write poetry once more. I need to return to my writing roots once again. I am not giving up blogging. Not here nor at Penny Ann. I am still inspired. This is just a further inspiration and one that I needed to figure out, which is what happened today on my way through a fellow blogger's ups and downs.
I did get my closet cleared out and organized. Step 2 is figuring out how to make it pretty as well as functional.
If I can get time tomorrow I'll share some of the things that are inspiring me this month, courtesy a stack of old Victoria magazines.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Week what? Day Huh? Lost in a Fog and February Goals
It's not that I've chosen to stop living inspired. It's not even that I want to quit on this project after all this time. I've just been lost in a fog of sorts. It's partly a winter thing. When it's sunny and beautiful I am busy busy busy making hay while the sun shines as the old saying goes. When it's cloudy and grey (all too often these days), I am struggling.
I did do one project, finally. I redid the top of the three bookcases that form a unit across one wall of the main living area. I love it. I think it looks great. I'm happy with the color choices and the cost which was very reasonable, spread out over time as it was. I have said before, when it comes to creating a look in my home, I am very very patient. It took me about 9 months to gather all the items.
I managed another creative project: getting my home keeping notebook dividers made. I didn't fashion them from cardstock and scrapbookpaper as planned. Instead I found some cute, cute, cute!, file folders which were just the thing when cut right down the seam to make two dividers. I am very happy with how the project turned out.
I pushed myself once more to do a Big Shop. I did it more as a matter of wanting to take advantage of the major sales ongoing after taking part in a Pantry Freezer challenge for January. And yes, it brought home all over again how wearing it is to put so much time and effort and caused so much physical pain.
Mama and Granny are doing well together. Mama has more peace I think than she has had in many months. However, she continues to postpone calling the many resources for help that she was told by the Alzheimer's Support Group to call. I've held firm on my resolve not to get involved or to try and force the issues.
Now that January is over, I feel very happy with the work done over the past month. The chronological Bible reading is well under way and I hope this month to begin the study of the Names of God that I'd meant to do as well.
I also managed my finances very well. With the pantry/freezer challenge I joined I did manage to stay within budget. I had enough money extra to cover my daughter's special dietary needs after her oral surgery. I was pleased I didn't have to spend extra. The money for my Christmas savings is in the bank. I saved $60 for the month. I also managed to stay enough within our budget to put a nice chunk of money into savings, a feat of which I am particularly proud.
Housekeeping plans never really took off. I have all sorts of want to dos where deep cleaning is concerned but keeping up with the usual housework seems to be all I can manage. I am hoping this month to do better on that end. If I pace myself, I am sure I can manage it.
Other goals for February are to tackle another UFO project. I am thinking this month it will be my closet. I really want to get this done, because I had a vision of how it might look when I began it months ago. I want the closet to be neat and pretty and well organized.
I've spent the weekend looking through old Victoria and Martha Stewart Living magazines. My desire was to gain inspiration for the month ahead. Last night I had two sheets of paper filled with ideas for decorating, Valentine's ideas, recipes, menus and more. Even an advertisement can be inspiring if I look closely at the ads and determine what it is that captures my attention. I plan to continue with this all through the next week or so.
I've tentatively planned a 'play date' with a new friend to go antiquing later this month. I'll be saving my weekly allowance towards that trip and if for some reason it falls through, no harm, because next month there is an annual miles long yard sale, Peaches to Beaches that I plan to drive through for a bit.
I've grown so accustomed to being alone and keeping my life so firmly in a self-prescribed rut that I admit I feel a bit anxious thinking of going off for the day with someone I don't know well at the moment. But I feel very much it's time for me to begin to be independent. It's all part of my desire to be stronger, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
This week also saw the completion of a 21day fast that my husband and I both took part in. I chose to give up coffee and Coke Zero. I allowed myself 1 cup of coffee each morning and only one. I can't tell you it was easy, it was hard. I didn't have a specific prayer focus. I did it only because I wanted to give up something for my God and Savior. I felt guilty for a good bit of this fast. Not becasue I didn't stop wanting coffee, but because others I knew had specific focuses for the fast. I finally realized this past Wednesday night that it didn't matter that I didn't have a specific focus. My focus had been that I wanted to show my love to God. That was enough.
I look forward to February 1.
Week 33, Day 1
I did do one project, finally. I redid the top of the three bookcases that form a unit across one wall of the main living area. I love it. I think it looks great. I'm happy with the color choices and the cost which was very reasonable, spread out over time as it was. I have said before, when it comes to creating a look in my home, I am very very patient. It took me about 9 months to gather all the items.
I managed another creative project: getting my home keeping notebook dividers made. I didn't fashion them from cardstock and scrapbookpaper as planned. Instead I found some cute, cute, cute!, file folders which were just the thing when cut right down the seam to make two dividers. I am very happy with how the project turned out.
I pushed myself once more to do a Big Shop. I did it more as a matter of wanting to take advantage of the major sales ongoing after taking part in a Pantry Freezer challenge for January. And yes, it brought home all over again how wearing it is to put so much time and effort and caused so much physical pain.
Mama and Granny are doing well together. Mama has more peace I think than she has had in many months. However, she continues to postpone calling the many resources for help that she was told by the Alzheimer's Support Group to call. I've held firm on my resolve not to get involved or to try and force the issues.
Now that January is over, I feel very happy with the work done over the past month. The chronological Bible reading is well under way and I hope this month to begin the study of the Names of God that I'd meant to do as well.
I also managed my finances very well. With the pantry/freezer challenge I joined I did manage to stay within budget. I had enough money extra to cover my daughter's special dietary needs after her oral surgery. I was pleased I didn't have to spend extra. The money for my Christmas savings is in the bank. I saved $60 for the month. I also managed to stay enough within our budget to put a nice chunk of money into savings, a feat of which I am particularly proud.
Housekeeping plans never really took off. I have all sorts of want to dos where deep cleaning is concerned but keeping up with the usual housework seems to be all I can manage. I am hoping this month to do better on that end. If I pace myself, I am sure I can manage it.
Other goals for February are to tackle another UFO project. I am thinking this month it will be my closet. I really want to get this done, because I had a vision of how it might look when I began it months ago. I want the closet to be neat and pretty and well organized.
I've spent the weekend looking through old Victoria and Martha Stewart Living magazines. My desire was to gain inspiration for the month ahead. Last night I had two sheets of paper filled with ideas for decorating, Valentine's ideas, recipes, menus and more. Even an advertisement can be inspiring if I look closely at the ads and determine what it is that captures my attention. I plan to continue with this all through the next week or so.
I've tentatively planned a 'play date' with a new friend to go antiquing later this month. I'll be saving my weekly allowance towards that trip and if for some reason it falls through, no harm, because next month there is an annual miles long yard sale, Peaches to Beaches that I plan to drive through for a bit.
I've grown so accustomed to being alone and keeping my life so firmly in a self-prescribed rut that I admit I feel a bit anxious thinking of going off for the day with someone I don't know well at the moment. But I feel very much it's time for me to begin to be independent. It's all part of my desire to be stronger, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
This week also saw the completion of a 21day fast that my husband and I both took part in. I chose to give up coffee and Coke Zero. I allowed myself 1 cup of coffee each morning and only one. I can't tell you it was easy, it was hard. I didn't have a specific prayer focus. I did it only because I wanted to give up something for my God and Savior. I felt guilty for a good bit of this fast. Not becasue I didn't stop wanting coffee, but because others I knew had specific focuses for the fast. I finally realized this past Wednesday night that it didn't matter that I didn't have a specific focus. My focus had been that I wanted to show my love to God. That was enough.
I look forward to February 1.
Week 33, Day 1
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Week 30, Day 4 Oh Life, Your Bite Hurts!
I had great plans for the first of this year. Great plans to accomplish more creatively, homemaking wise, writing wise and personally. What have I done? Nada. Nothing. Zilch. And yet the truth is I've been very busy! I've read three or four books, dreamed a good many dreams, shopped towards some of the end result of the dreaming, come to a few realizations and lived the day to day life I normally lead as a wife and mother.
I've had this vision since last summer of my bathroom in a pale green, with cream cabinetry and black accents. So I bought towels and cream paint and wonderful rugs that look like woven straw to match the new ideal. I still have money enough to buy the green paint. As it happened a few days after I'd bought the paint I saw the very color plan used on a decorating program. I was so pleased with how it all looked that I am glad I didn't listen to any outside influences. The room on television was beautiful. So will be my bathroom.
Another errand on my list that day was to buy new shoes. I bought two pairs. One was a casual pair of Sketcher knock offs. The other pair of shoes were dressy, beautiful, feminine, dreamy... Note the last descriptive word: dreamy. Those shoes were everything I dream of wearing. Trouble is that my dream and my reality are worlds and worlds apart. I could barely walk after my half day of shopping, my feet were so painful. I didn't sleep at all that night. It was with great sorrow that the next day I realized my beautiful new shoes would have to be returned. I've come a long way over the past 18 years since I injured my ankles and knees but not far enough.
On Wednesday I went out with Mama to shop. I was shocked at two realizations that day. She came very near a minor accident all because she stubbornly refused to slow down, even though the lane she was driving in was CLOSED with those big orange barrels they use...Later in the day as I watched her negotiate a parking lot I realized that the problem is her vision, her depth perception appears to be seriously compromised. I am very reluctant at this point to ride with her unless I am driving. I foresee the necessity of her giving up driving on her own in the near future.
After Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent Thursday and Friday recovering from two days of excess activity. Reality bite number three: I cannot shop and clean house in the same day. That's fact.
Here again, I bump against my own concept of who I want to be and who I AM. Apparently I do a very good job of disguising my lacks because my mom doesn't see them at all. My husband on the other hand does see the toll it takes on me to continually physically push myself. He is constantly after me to rest, to slow down, to not overdo.
I had breakfast with Granny Thursday and Friday and all was well. In fact, Friday morning she was so much better, looking rested, even going so far as to say that she thought things were going to quiet down for awhile. The calm before the storm I guess.
When I arrived on Monday morning I found Granny only partially dressed. It took a great deal of encouragement to get her to even consider putting on clothes. She had on shoes, socks, two shirts. No panties or pants. Her hair was uncombed. I found clothing for her and encouraged her to dress while I turned up the heaters to warm the house, made sure coffee water was hot and ready for a warming cup and set the table for breakfast. Granny called out that she was having trouble. Indeed she was.
I had to help her dress. She told me later that she had fallen in her bedroom and had hurt her knee. Her knee was swollen and obviously stiff. She said she'd laid in the floor for a while until she got herself up. And she hadn't told Mama about it. I found the morning disturbing enough that I came home and tried to alternately work off my concerns in housework or to hide in a book. There was something very basic bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on just what though I reviewed the data over and over again.
The next morning when I arrived I found her in the same basic state of undress and obvious confusion. She didn't bother to even try and dress, nor to turn up the heaters but dived directly into eating breakfast. That's when I knew why I was so bothered.
All of my life, Granny has been adamant that we appear properly attired at all times. The breakfast table is the example that stands out most. In our home, we often ate breakfast in our pajamas. In Granny's home, breakfast was not eaten until one was dressed, hair combed, face and hands washed. For Granny to sit down at that breakfast table and eat while her hair was a riot and her bottom half unclothed drove home more forcibly than anything else might have done that she was no longer able to live on her own. As she ate, I gently encouraged her to leave the food long enough to dress.
As she dressed she told me that she'd gone out on the porch with one of her visitors the evening before (some of her delusional people) and the door locked as she went out. She'd stood on the porch for an hour or so hoping someone would come by that she might wave down and get help getting back in the house. As it happened my brother went up to shut her gate and found her on the porch and let her back in the house.
That morning I called Mama and talked to her about what had occurred the previous two days and told her that I thought it time we looked into an alternate living situation for Granny. Mama said she'd talked with the Alzheimer's Support Group the day before and had found a wealth of helpful info. They had strongly urged placement in an assisted living environment with an alternative option of having a day care provider come in for 3-4 hours per day. I pointed out to Mama that we were already giving Granny the 3-4 hours of time per day and it was obviously not enough to keep her safe in her own home. She agreed and said she'd look into assisted living centers that afternoon.
When I came home later that day, after dealing with a car repair and a Big Shop, Mama called to say that Granny had agreed to come live with her again. Truthfully this is not ideal. Mama does not have the emotional nor physical stamina to be a full time caregiver. As well, she has refused to call for further help from any agency.
Mama doesn't see these things as a problem. After all, she truly believes that I can and should step up and take on the majority of the care of the two of them together. For a long time now, I've guiltily felt I ought to do the same but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to balance my life with the demands already upon me with my own lack of physical strength and my limited abilities.
A further reality bite occurred when my car broke down. It was fixed and not costly for a 'get by' repair. However, it drove home a fact that we have chosen to largely ignore. My car has 175,000 miles on it. We'd been hoping that it would last us for at least another 75,000 and towards that end we were preparing to put a good sum of money into replacing some major parts, getting body/paintwork done and replacing a few of the accessories. The cost to repair the broken part was quoted at $1500, more than the value of the car. Even if we did the things we'd planned to do and left that particular repair off the integrity of the car will be less as it is a major accessory (the air conditioner). Ultimately we've decided to proceed with routine maintenance only and to save the funds we'd planned to put into the car to improve the appearance.
And again that day another reality: After my morning with Granny, time spent in the car dealership and then doing a Big Shop, I realized that for me, the Big Shop is a thing of the past. I was so exhausted and wiped out after the Big Shop that I could barely move. I feel fine inside,
better than I've felt in a long time. But outwardly, I quickly grow weary. A Big Shop is too much. I will have to start shopping weekly. I simply cannot manage the heavy lifting and long drawn out tasks of bulk shopping.
So the week just past was difficult on many levels. What's more it was rife with a lot of realizations that I'd been willingly turning a blind eye to: my physical health, my grandmother's mental health, my mom's determination to demand more of me, our hopes where my car is concerned. Ultimately I know that these realizations all lead to an important phase of my life: acknowledging limits and sticking with them.
This is not the happy cheerful post I'd like to have made. It isn't full of the creative things I've done or the inspiring places I'd been. In fact, here at the halfway mark of my 70 week challenge I am beginning to think of scrapping the whole plan. But then again maybe not.
I've had this vision since last summer of my bathroom in a pale green, with cream cabinetry and black accents. So I bought towels and cream paint and wonderful rugs that look like woven straw to match the new ideal. I still have money enough to buy the green paint. As it happened a few days after I'd bought the paint I saw the very color plan used on a decorating program. I was so pleased with how it all looked that I am glad I didn't listen to any outside influences. The room on television was beautiful. So will be my bathroom.
Another errand on my list that day was to buy new shoes. I bought two pairs. One was a casual pair of Sketcher knock offs. The other pair of shoes were dressy, beautiful, feminine, dreamy... Note the last descriptive word: dreamy. Those shoes were everything I dream of wearing. Trouble is that my dream and my reality are worlds and worlds apart. I could barely walk after my half day of shopping, my feet were so painful. I didn't sleep at all that night. It was with great sorrow that the next day I realized my beautiful new shoes would have to be returned. I've come a long way over the past 18 years since I injured my ankles and knees but not far enough.
On Wednesday I went out with Mama to shop. I was shocked at two realizations that day. She came very near a minor accident all because she stubbornly refused to slow down, even though the lane she was driving in was CLOSED with those big orange barrels they use...Later in the day as I watched her negotiate a parking lot I realized that the problem is her vision, her depth perception appears to be seriously compromised. I am very reluctant at this point to ride with her unless I am driving. I foresee the necessity of her giving up driving on her own in the near future.
After Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent Thursday and Friday recovering from two days of excess activity. Reality bite number three: I cannot shop and clean house in the same day. That's fact.
Here again, I bump against my own concept of who I want to be and who I AM. Apparently I do a very good job of disguising my lacks because my mom doesn't see them at all. My husband on the other hand does see the toll it takes on me to continually physically push myself. He is constantly after me to rest, to slow down, to not overdo.
I had breakfast with Granny Thursday and Friday and all was well. In fact, Friday morning she was so much better, looking rested, even going so far as to say that she thought things were going to quiet down for awhile. The calm before the storm I guess.
When I arrived on Monday morning I found Granny only partially dressed. It took a great deal of encouragement to get her to even consider putting on clothes. She had on shoes, socks, two shirts. No panties or pants. Her hair was uncombed. I found clothing for her and encouraged her to dress while I turned up the heaters to warm the house, made sure coffee water was hot and ready for a warming cup and set the table for breakfast. Granny called out that she was having trouble. Indeed she was.
I had to help her dress. She told me later that she had fallen in her bedroom and had hurt her knee. Her knee was swollen and obviously stiff. She said she'd laid in the floor for a while until she got herself up. And she hadn't told Mama about it. I found the morning disturbing enough that I came home and tried to alternately work off my concerns in housework or to hide in a book. There was something very basic bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on just what though I reviewed the data over and over again.
The next morning when I arrived I found her in the same basic state of undress and obvious confusion. She didn't bother to even try and dress, nor to turn up the heaters but dived directly into eating breakfast. That's when I knew why I was so bothered.
All of my life, Granny has been adamant that we appear properly attired at all times. The breakfast table is the example that stands out most. In our home, we often ate breakfast in our pajamas. In Granny's home, breakfast was not eaten until one was dressed, hair combed, face and hands washed. For Granny to sit down at that breakfast table and eat while her hair was a riot and her bottom half unclothed drove home more forcibly than anything else might have done that she was no longer able to live on her own. As she ate, I gently encouraged her to leave the food long enough to dress.
As she dressed she told me that she'd gone out on the porch with one of her visitors the evening before (some of her delusional people) and the door locked as she went out. She'd stood on the porch for an hour or so hoping someone would come by that she might wave down and get help getting back in the house. As it happened my brother went up to shut her gate and found her on the porch and let her back in the house.
That morning I called Mama and talked to her about what had occurred the previous two days and told her that I thought it time we looked into an alternate living situation for Granny. Mama said she'd talked with the Alzheimer's Support Group the day before and had found a wealth of helpful info. They had strongly urged placement in an assisted living environment with an alternative option of having a day care provider come in for 3-4 hours per day. I pointed out to Mama that we were already giving Granny the 3-4 hours of time per day and it was obviously not enough to keep her safe in her own home. She agreed and said she'd look into assisted living centers that afternoon.
When I came home later that day, after dealing with a car repair and a Big Shop, Mama called to say that Granny had agreed to come live with her again. Truthfully this is not ideal. Mama does not have the emotional nor physical stamina to be a full time caregiver. As well, she has refused to call for further help from any agency.
Mama doesn't see these things as a problem. After all, she truly believes that I can and should step up and take on the majority of the care of the two of them together. For a long time now, I've guiltily felt I ought to do the same but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to balance my life with the demands already upon me with my own lack of physical strength and my limited abilities.
A further reality bite occurred when my car broke down. It was fixed and not costly for a 'get by' repair. However, it drove home a fact that we have chosen to largely ignore. My car has 175,000 miles on it. We'd been hoping that it would last us for at least another 75,000 and towards that end we were preparing to put a good sum of money into replacing some major parts, getting body/paintwork done and replacing a few of the accessories. The cost to repair the broken part was quoted at $1500, more than the value of the car. Even if we did the things we'd planned to do and left that particular repair off the integrity of the car will be less as it is a major accessory (the air conditioner). Ultimately we've decided to proceed with routine maintenance only and to save the funds we'd planned to put into the car to improve the appearance.
And again that day another reality: After my morning with Granny, time spent in the car dealership and then doing a Big Shop, I realized that for me, the Big Shop is a thing of the past. I was so exhausted and wiped out after the Big Shop that I could barely move. I feel fine inside,
better than I've felt in a long time. But outwardly, I quickly grow weary. A Big Shop is too much. I will have to start shopping weekly. I simply cannot manage the heavy lifting and long drawn out tasks of bulk shopping.
So the week just past was difficult on many levels. What's more it was rife with a lot of realizations that I'd been willingly turning a blind eye to: my physical health, my grandmother's mental health, my mom's determination to demand more of me, our hopes where my car is concerned. Ultimately I know that these realizations all lead to an important phase of my life: acknowledging limits and sticking with them.
This is not the happy cheerful post I'd like to have made. It isn't full of the creative things I've done or the inspiring places I'd been. In fact, here at the halfway mark of my 70 week challenge I am beginning to think of scrapping the whole plan. But then again maybe not.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Week 28/Day 5: A New Day, A New Year and A New Decade...
I can't deny that I am thrilled to be facing a new decade. My husband and I were talking over the one behind last night. It was difficult to say the least, yet blessings abounded as well. Had it not been for those blessings we'd likely have collapsed under the strain of the trials, lol.
I've been busy in the week just past. For one thing I've worked hard on my home. There's plenty of major projects to tackle and keep me busy for months. I am contemplating re-doing several areas. I have some materials on hand that will allow me to get off to a good start on several of the projects.
My mind has been busy too. It seems I am on a creative carousel. I was about to toss a catalog last night when I suddenly 'saw' a project in my mind's eye that involved the cover photo. I have sevearl projects in mind, (again all I need is on hand) to start out this New Year. A friend shared with me her idea of covering cardstock with pretty scrapbook paper to make dividers for my home keeping notebook. I am thrilled at the idea of the pretty dividers soon to be mine.
My new Bible reading program went well this morning. I had enough quiet time to really get into the meat of the reading, time enough to research a few matters of curiosity and a revelation I'd never had before. I do love the way the Bible never changes, yet our hearts will be ripe for a new word on a page read often enough to know it well. Isn't that the way it is with our relationships as a whole? We go along thinking we know someone very well indeed and then we see a particular trait we've never noticed or we hear some bit of history about them that we never before had heard and suddenly we are aware that we don't really know them as well as we thought. I find the Bible is exactly that way. It is my stepping stone into building a relationship with God through His word. Reading a passage that speaks to me in a new way is exciting.
My husband and I have had roughly a week alone. Our daughter is off visiting her big brother and so we've spent a lot of time with just ourselves. I look at these days as test drives for what life will be like when she is gone from home. And a good thing, too, because when we had dinner with the two yesterday it was revealed that they plan to be roommates come summer. He requires help with the rent while he's still in school. She needs to be in an area with employement opportunities once she's finished school. This will suit both their needs.
While today has been rather relaxing, I expect to be right in the heart of activity come Monday morning. I am so excited to begin work on my goals for the year!
I've been busy in the week just past. For one thing I've worked hard on my home. There's plenty of major projects to tackle and keep me busy for months. I am contemplating re-doing several areas. I have some materials on hand that will allow me to get off to a good start on several of the projects.
My mind has been busy too. It seems I am on a creative carousel. I was about to toss a catalog last night when I suddenly 'saw' a project in my mind's eye that involved the cover photo. I have sevearl projects in mind, (again all I need is on hand) to start out this New Year. A friend shared with me her idea of covering cardstock with pretty scrapbook paper to make dividers for my home keeping notebook. I am thrilled at the idea of the pretty dividers soon to be mine.
My new Bible reading program went well this morning. I had enough quiet time to really get into the meat of the reading, time enough to research a few matters of curiosity and a revelation I'd never had before. I do love the way the Bible never changes, yet our hearts will be ripe for a new word on a page read often enough to know it well. Isn't that the way it is with our relationships as a whole? We go along thinking we know someone very well indeed and then we see a particular trait we've never noticed or we hear some bit of history about them that we never before had heard and suddenly we are aware that we don't really know them as well as we thought. I find the Bible is exactly that way. It is my stepping stone into building a relationship with God through His word. Reading a passage that speaks to me in a new way is exciting.
My husband and I have had roughly a week alone. Our daughter is off visiting her big brother and so we've spent a lot of time with just ourselves. I look at these days as test drives for what life will be like when she is gone from home. And a good thing, too, because when we had dinner with the two yesterday it was revealed that they plan to be roommates come summer. He requires help with the rent while he's still in school. She needs to be in an area with employement opportunities once she's finished school. This will suit both their needs.
While today has been rather relaxing, I expect to be right in the heart of activity come Monday morning. I am so excited to begin work on my goals for the year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)