In the past week or so not a lot has changed. Nor have I apparently accomplished much beyond healing from my cold. That in and of itself however has been enough to allow my attitude to change dramatically, lol. I’ve often noticed the relation between how we physically feel (whether it’s due to stress, tiredness or illness) to how we feel mentally and emotionally. And though I personally believe we are in charge of our emotions, I’ve found that there is still a correlation between outside factors and internal ones, no matter how rigid we might attempt to be.
I do want to share that my daughter is feeling somewhat better. She has begun taking the birth control pills and after a couple of days of major migraines, she found that the dosage became easier to handle, her pain decreased a good bit and overall she began to feel somewhat better. Having the burden of that off me has helped tremendously. I will keep in mind the suggestions given about endometriosis and fibroid tumours, however.
Also in the past week, we’ve had a number of people approach us with information about a worrying situation that left us doubting our faith walk. I am happy and sad at the same time, to say that it wasn’t our faith walk that was out of whack. There were apparently any number of things going on under the surface that we weren’t aware of. We were just picking up the over charged emotional atmosphere in the situation. While it saddens me to know that so many hurts were being kept quiet by people we knew and loved it has also reassured us that we were bidden to go in the right direction through our prayers. God is so good!
My illness prevented my being in contact with Granny on a daily basis. I took lunch to her yesterday and saw her for the first time in almost three weeks. What I found was that her dementia seems to be very much increased. She has called me three times in the past week with concerns over things that she’d ‘seen’…Still she is easily reoriented and completely lucid about ¾ of the time. I was shocked however at how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight and lost height. I felt almost as though I loomed over her, where she used to be a good three or four inches taller than I. She told my son that she is shrinking and it does appear to be true.
Listening to her talk of some of the things that she sees and hears, I realize that many of them are repetitions of things she’s been telling me for years. What we passed off initially as forgetful or notions have likely been manifestations of mental decline all along. With her as strong and vital as she was though it was easy to ignore these things and just pass them off.
Ultimately this week I had a mini breakdown. Granny and I spoke Thursday morning and she was obviously upset by the increased delusions. My daughter was acting out in the manner of a 17yo. I'd tried to talk to Mama addressing Granny's delusions and got nowhere at all. Mama is the main caregiver, power of attorney,etc. Her choice at present is to do nothing at all, rather than at least lay the ground work for future care for Granny. Frustration, overload, overwhelm all hit the fan during a period of major tiredness.
What happened? I came up against one of my boundary lines. There are times in life when we simply must realize that we are not in control. I had to accept that I cannot manage all of the problems I was facing. I had to turn them over to a higher authority. I spent some time in prayer and released it all. That really was the only solution.
As the end of the year comes nearer, I find it is time once again to begin to think of the usual annual activities. Aside from the holidays to plan, buy and prepare for, there is my annual yearly review of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. This past year (beginning in December of last year) has really been a difficult one. There are a number of areas I need to address in my annual reviewing. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally there have been challenges galore. I cannot recall such a difficult year in my life in the past decade, nor even in the past two decades.
I’ll also review the goals I initially set at the beginning of the year (some people call them resolutions) and see how well I did towards reaching those goals. I know right off that in at least two areas I failed miserably. I’d like to really examine why I did so badly in those areas.
Another step I’ll take is to look at the coming year, what I hope to accomplish, make out a list of goals, and do a little wishful thinking on paper.
All of the above of course are things I hope to accomplish in November, which is in the future, another whole week away.
For an update on October's goals: I bumped hard against another area of arrogance on my part:trying to manage the relationship between two family members. I found this week that it was very necessary for me to step aside, let the two work out their own relationship with each other and stop trying to communicate what each is saying/doing/feeling. Ah yes. Determine that you will fix a character flaw and you will surely find it goes even deeper than you'd realized!
Staycation: didn't really work out the way I'd planned. It worked out even better. The money we'd intended to spend on entertainment was used to help out one of the kids. What we did: ate easy meals, some favorite foods (like steak and shrimp one night and lasagna another), take a full week to just laze about, sleep in, watch movies, rest and rest and rest. It was wonderful! My husband has mentioned numerous times how relaxing the whole vacation has been for him. And my daughter seemed to appreciate home a little more at the time.
Fall cleaning: nada, nothing accomplished. The first week went towards the staycation the second week was a filled full of unexpected necessary errands and basic homekeeping.
Grocery Budget: Ended up spending $480 for the month, about $80 more than I'd like to see it end up, but that includes the steak and shrimp and makings for lasagna plus a few deli meats and cheeses for our staycation. $80 is somewhat less than we'd normally spend for vacations away from home, so I'm not complaining hard about the end budget.
I did have an interesting thing happen this week. I had a friend ask to 'borrow' an article I wrote on an old blog that I hadn't updated in over a year. I'd had that blog on my mind a great deal over the last two weeks. It was written from the standpoint of revelations and thoughts I'd had based on my spiritual walk and scripture or sermons I'd heard. Kay's question was just the nudge I needed. I'd recently had a conversation with another friend that led to an article idea and I realized that the former blog was the perfect forum for posting it. An evening of work finally helped me figure out how to recover my password, the article was posted and the new blog will be updated with scripture and posts on what I hope is a routine basis. Another writing adventure relaunched!
Wednesday while visiting a friend known for her great yard sale bargains, we commissioned her with the task of finding dining room chairs for us. She lives in a suburban area that is rife with yard sales and thrift shops and having seen her own finds (all displayed in her home or refurbished for resale) we knew we would get quality pieces. We told her our budget. She called this morning to say she'd found four chairs of heavy wrought iron and she thought they'd work for us. I wasn't positive I wanted wrought iron but when she told me the price ($2 each!!) I agreed. I have in my possession a glass topped table with wrought iron base that might well work with the chairs if I decide my wooden table isn't suited to them. Either way I will be happy in the end.
As well, after my tearful episode on Thursday two things happened. When I came home, I was making our bed and found a penny on the floor on my side of the bed. There's no reason on earth why that penny should have been there. When I saw it on the floor I picked it up and remembered a friend telling me that every penny has "In God we trust" on it. I thought it a lovely reminder that God had heard my prayers and I'm keeping that penny on my bedside table to remind myself that I can and should turn my cares over more often.
Later that day my daughter's sorry attitude was much improved and I found out that it was a stubborness on her own part that caused her horrible attitude in the first place: refusal to go to bed at a reasonable hour and so lack of sleep was causing her poor attitude. That's something she needs to work on, not something I am responsible for. I did tell her that since my arrangements for her morning breakfasts were so dissatisfactory she would be responsible for getting her own foodstuffs together. I will provide things that are portable, but I will no longer be the one choosing what she will eat and drink, nor will I be taking it out of the door. That's on her. But I felt very empowered by giving her reasonable solutions and then washing my hands of the angst and frustration I'd been experiencing.
Today my husband and I took advantage of our restful Sabbath day and on our way home we 'chose the road less travelled by' a road we'd often wondered where it led. We ended up having a wonderful drive through the country on this beautiful October day, with views of fields of ripened grains, woods filled with colorful leaves, blue sky and sunshine poured out over it all. It was wonderful.
And to top it all off, this woman, a self-proclaimed non-napper, actually lay down this afternoon and took a one hour nap. I woke to the sound of a crow cawing in the pecan tree outside and a cool breeze blowing through the window. Looks like our previously cool weather is returning.
And that has been my portion of inspiration in a month when I thought I'd lost all hope of living inspired.
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