Week 16 Day 6 Things That Go Bump

October...I can't believe it's been five weeks since I last sat down to write out a post. What happened? Nothing much and yet a whole lot at once.

First came a realization of sorts brought on by a semi-crisis of sorts. I won't go into details but it involved our church and a deep disappointment about a situation that we have only a smattering of details from two of the involved parties and no word at all from the third to judge more clearly by. However the whole thing pointed up yet again that we were not in the place we wanted to be. Major drama here at home has been ongoing for months every time church going time approached and after this situation it was increased by 10 fold.

A decision finally was made to take a sabbatical, to step aside and see if we viewed things differently when we weren't smack in the middle of the seeming fray. It was a big decision, one we'd actually made a year ago and then just as we were to begin, my husband thought better of it and we didn't take the time off. A year later, we'd truly reached a point where it just wasn't a joy to go to church, though we put a darned good face on it...but you know how things are that are smashed beneath the surface to hide them. They have the nastiest habit of popping out inappropriately.

So, a sabbatical from our church. That was a major step for us both, involving a lot of sorting out of emotions, ideals, grief, hurts, confusion. We were determined to go to church somewhere during that time and we did visit at three different churches. It was such a blessing to be in all the services we attended. Without the weight of duties, knowledge of behind the scenes dramas and strife, with nothing to do but simply sit and worship and learn we felt a huge weight lift. And the clarity came, though I cannot say the decision reached was the on we we really wanted to make. Ultimately, we decided to step away from our current church home and seek out another church in which to worship. And we've decided to take our time and find a new place that truly fits us.

While we were dealing with church issues, Granny's dementia has increased to the point that it truly has become an exercise in grief to be with her. I won't give up my little portion of time willingly with her. I know that at this stage each day is a precious gift. She is still at home, living on her own. We've had a pattern about our visits so that I've been with her some portion of every week, but the past two weeks I've been very ill with a cold that hit me hard. I've noticed that at some point these days, when I've not been around for a few days, she'll call me with questions about some of her delusions, usually about sundown (hence the medical community term "sundowners syndrome"). My past experience dealing with dementia/alzheimer's patients in the nursing home has led me to believe the best way to handle the situation is to play along with the delusional part while gently making statements about time/place/date/real life that redirects the attention to the factual. This has worked well for me with Granny thus far. It doesn't stop her believing that there are other people about on the place, but it does reassure her in some way that all is as it should be.

All that said, I am losing a best friend, mentor and beloved family member by inches every day that passes. And that hurts more than I can share. And it brings up issues of not only impending loss but of aging in general, my own family relationships that are scattered over this nation, and more. Lots of grief and tears and not any of it changes a thing one whit.

My daughter's health issues continue to be a concern. She isn't well, but we can't quite pinpoint what is wrong with her. Officially she's fully recovered from mono. She is now having female problems that are painful and causing hot flashes and mood swings and too frequent periods,etc. She is just 17. I feel helpless in many ways and for many reasons. The medical community relies heavily on the standards when it comes to youth and female woes: The GP refers her to a gynocologist, who assures us it will all work out in time, do a pap smear, put her on birth control to regulate the period and gee there's nothing else we can do until we try this. It feels a bit like being in the dark ages all over again. Hello. She's 17. 17yr olds do NOT have hot flashes. Her pain has been largely ignored, despite the fact that she weeps with it being so bad. My daughter is not one to cry.

This is beginning to sound like I had a pretty tough month last month, and you know what? I did. No kidding. I struggled with these other issues and pushed myself too hard to do some much needed work in the yard and house and ended up sidelined with some deeply serious pain and so wasn't able to do a thing for two weeks and the only reason it let up at all was that I got sick with what has proven to be one of the worst head and chest colds I've had in ten years, which has gone on nearly two weeks. I literally was in bed or resting quietly in a chair for over a week. I haven't been this ill in a long time and I don't like the feeling of weakness it gave me.

I feel, quite honestly as though the past five weeks were a total waste of time in all my selected goal areas. And having already backtracked my calendar for four weeks previously, I am darned reluctant to do the same all over again. And so there are thoughts of scrapping it all and tossing the whole plan aside one more time and never revisiting it. But I can't do that. This ideal of 70 weeks of Living Inspired made a large impact on me at the time it occurred the first time. I've been sidelined twice. I just cannot give up a third time.

So that leaves me here: Moving on, despite the major bumps in the road. That old saying about when the going gets tough the tough gets going is my motto at the moment. I'm going all right, I'm moving right ahead and darned if I'm giving up. NOW is just a season and this season would have occurred at some point anyway. Seasons do. That's how they are.

I've met a few goals. I am very conscious of how I present myself for one thing. I am a creative person. It seems to me when I leave the house something of that creativity ought to show. I'm fairly reserved and prefer classic tailored clothing over the bohemian, but I'm learning there are many ways to creatively express who I am in my dress regardless of my style.

I've not lost one ounce of weight that I'm aware of, but I know that I am overall eating better. And it's almost becoming second nature to reach for the vegetables first and then finish filling my plate with meat and bread and dessert in smaller portions. Not always, but more often.

I've learned to be more aware of my personal boundaries and which ones really need to be honored and which really need to be tested. It helped a lot to hear a wonderful sermon series on Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The pastor pointed out that in this day and age we've become a little too quick to tear down all the walls when in fact some of the walls need to be there and for good reason. I'm learning to distinquish between the two.


So ten days into October what are my goals for the month? At this point I'm darned tempted to say to get through October and get as far away from September as I possibly can! That however is a statement of fear, not a statement of belief that I deserve to live out an Inspired Life. So here are my goals for the month of October:

#1 I've got this horrid tendency to think that because I'm comfortable in a certain area that things should stay within those parameters. I think I can figure out how things should operate better than God possibly can work things out, tend to give advice based on my own comfort, etc. Ultimately it's a combination of arrogance and lack of trust, neither of which speaks that well of me or my attitude overall. I know that the determination to change a character trait isn't going to make it easy to change. I do believe however, that change can occur if we are at least aware of the need to do something differently and are willing to try.

#2 My husband has all but a few days of this month off from work. We won't be going on vacation anywhere this year for the first time in many years, and honestly it is something I feel we all need. However I can't change our circumstances only my attitude and hopefully theirs. I'm going to do my level best to make everyone in this home feel we've had a vacation of sorts when the month is over. Daytrips, special meals, treats we seldom allow ourselves etc, just as though we had gone away.

#3 Continue to fight with the grocery budget. Ultimately we've hit one goal since I decided to cut back so hard on our grocery expenses: senior pictures were paid for and ordered. Next goal: get the Christmas shopping done. I'm allotting myself $400 and two and half months to finish it off. For the majority on my list I have an idea of what I want to gift, all things within reach and entirely possible. For a few, I need to make plans and get out and actively seek the items I want to give.

I can't lie: this cutting back has been tough and we're showing the strain in our pantry and freezer which are considerably less full than they were previously. However, we haven't missed a meal, I have far less waste overall and we're eating good basic foods once more which is just fine.

September goals:
Moving my body didn't exactly work my way. I ended up with serious pain that limited my normally limited movement. I felt downright ancient and unhealthy, which I think led to the increased susceptibility to the cold that attacked me, and yes, I do believe there is a strong connection between our mental and physical state. I've said before that exercise without purpose just isn't for me. If bending and stooping and working about the yard or house are out I don't know which way to turn. I'm disappointed in my results for the month, that's for sure.

Eating seasonally isn't that hard a stretch, but at some point in every week I became aware that I was woefully out of balance in the high fiber, raw foods category. On the other hand, all those wonderful 'treats' I mentioned....didn't get a single one of them made except the Butternut cake, which I didn't get a bite of because ants attacked it before we could cut it.

Fall cleaning: I'm in about the same place I was when I last wrote. The kitchen is 'mostly' done. One side (the side with the fewest cabinets) is in need. And we've got mice. Caught one, and just saw another. Being sidelined for September brought deep cleaning to a grinding halt. And boy does my house really need it.

What did I rediscover last month? Some pretty dishes that I do really love and want to see more of. I got rid of a lot of stuff that prevented my easily getting to the pieces I love most.

Increasing my understanding is still ongoing, hence goal #1 for October.

Accepting Abundance has been a stretch, especially when it seemed at times that the more we did to cut back the more we had to spend. However, that determination did keep me from picking up endless oddities and pretties to stash in hidden corners when I allowed myself a thrift shop day last month. I asked myself key questions: will it serve a present need, what will spending this money here not allow me to do that would better enhance my life,etc. When I realized that buying up a bunch of stuff would prohibit my buying a much needed pair of shoes, the choice was easy. I got the shoes at month's end and for a darned good price too.

I didn't do a single thing about gratitude. Not one line written on a daily basis. This is something I really do need to return to doing and work on.

Not one bulb planted. Not even bought for that matter. Sigh.

All that said, I can say that I finally got the laptop online and even better, we went wireless. I am typing this post on it. I can't claim the glory in this however. My daughter, realizing I felt too ill to bother with moving to the computer desk and sitting there for any length of time decided to buy a wireless router, install it and program the computer for wireless connections. Mind you, she wasn't being totally selfless. She recently got a netbook and wanted the wireless connection for herself as well, but she didn't make a move to purchase and install it until I was sick.

And so that's the past five weeks in a not so small nutshell. I will make a greater effort to get back inline with this whole project for the remainder of this month.
What I've bumped against over and over again this month is that I feel helpless, grieved, and hurt: spiritually, physically and emotionally. Every single situation has left me facing anger at my own sense of inadequacy and struggling with the feeling that I am not coping well with life in general. This is not fact, it's merely how I feel. I've had to make a lot, a LOT, of reality checks this month.