Giving Until It Hurts/ Where I Am/ Where I'm Going Week 8 Day 5

Wednesday was a tough day for me. It didn't start out tough. I was very mindful that the day would be a little stressful and tiring and so I made sure to rest well the night before, to read my Bible study for the day before leaving home. I was ready to go out and do what had to be done when I left home. But when I returned, I was weary, beyond tired. I wanted more than anything in this world to be alone, but my 17yo wanted to sit and chat all through the afternoon and early evening. And I didn't want to turn away from her, because she's 17 and they don't want Mama that often at that age. So I sat and listened and nodded and chatted as required.

Later I read emails and came across one from a friend, asking me to give her time to talk things over, she was feeling lost and having a hard time and needed me to talk to...and I felt pure dread come over me.

Dear husband called and I could hear his weariness in his voice. I'd bought an ice shaver that afternoon and I planned how I'd make him a tall glass of shaved ice and serve his soda with it when he came in from work, a nice surprise for him, since that is a favorite summer treat. He too required boosting up. I wanted to write in my journal, but I stopped writing each time he spoke and let him talk and talk. I wasn't even feeling frustrated with him or DD, which should have been a warning signal to me but somehow it wasn't.

And then it happened. DH got frustrated with something silly, lost his cool, went off to his music room. DD was in her room sulking over a necessary duty. And there I was feeling downright pained. Not hurt, mind you, but physically feeling internal pain. I decided to go to our room and lie down and read. I forced myself to stay awake when what I really wanted was to go to sleep. So when Dh came in later, still weary in spirit, and began to talk over all of his concerns I felt as though I were being battered. I'd gone right down to empty and beyond and there was nothing left in me to give.

Tears began to trace their way down my cheeks and I wasn't sobbing, I just couldn't stop 'leaking'. DH grew concerned and urged me to talk it out but how can you tell someone "I've been giving all day long and no one has given to me?" It sounds horrible, true though it may be. And no matter how I might feel, there's an acute awareness inside that for me this is all part and parcel of perio/meno pause (I can't decide what state I'm in) thingy.

I was awake into the wee hours with tears coursing down my cheeks. I couldn't change a thing for anyone in my life, but I'd listened and listened and listened all day long: to Granny, to Katie, to Mama and to Jon, all pouring out concerns and frustrations and hurts and upsets.

I have to learn to somehow claim time for myself in these days of dealing with all these needs at once. There's a balance beam to be walked and I keep misstepping and falling off. Katie goes back to school next week, Jon will be at work, then has two days of classes. I have avoided letting anyone know that I have the possibility of two whole days ahead when I might have two blocks of time all alone.

You see, I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll finally have time alone, because it seldom works out that way. Just as I've gotten suspicious of thinking I'll have a week to be at home, without a duty outside to call me away. It hasn't happened in months and months on end now. This week is a prime example. I thought I had only two days when I had to be away. Instead I've had one day at home. ONE.

Well, it's obviously an area I need to deeply consider and pray about. An area where I need to be more assertive and yes, even aggressive at times. Which may be why when I was asked today if I was looking for a job, my first thought was panic "How can I fit it in?" and my second thought was to laugh, which I did and say "No!" before considering that I might really ought to discuss the subject with my husband first and then give an answer.

Where I Am: I've made a little headway in the past month. I hit four points that I wanted to work on last month.

I started out with the more intimate side of marriage. I have been better for the most part about resting so that I am more receptive. Just from what was written above you can see I still have to work on the balance of give and take. That too would be a great bonus for the intimacy of marriage. I have to be more open to letting others know when I need to be listened to, filled up, boosted, or just require refueling time. I didn't tell a single person I was battle weary. I just went right ahead until I couldn't stop the breakdown that came.

I claimed my computer! Yes, I did. Mind you I haven't touched it in a week now, because I simply haven't had time. But it's my intention to get interfaced for internet on Monday. From that point forward, I will connect to the internet through my computer and use it exclusively while writing/working/researching etc. when I'm home alone. As well, I'll be able to take it with me to other venues to use. And this afternoon, I'm going to start loading my favorite music CDs onto it so I can hear my choice of music when I'm working offline.

I haven't lost an ounce, not one pound. I have tried to be mindful of the need to eat more vegetables and fruits. And yes, I did make good on my promise to fill up on those higher fiber things first before eating the 'good' stuff. That's actually meant that a few times, I've eaten less of a higher calorie item or had no snack because I was still full from meals. Not a bad thing. I think it's far better to eat a salad and two veg and a protein serving and skip the second scoop of banana pudding ice cream, lol. I haven't yet made the 5-7 servings goal but I'm hitting 4-5 consistently every day and that is a lot better than in the past.

Financially I can once again claim we are debt free. We talked and talked about how to accomplish this. For months we've paid multiple payments at once on that loan to pay it off ahead of time. We were under $1500 after the last payment. But there's no denying that it was a budget stretcher with all the other hits we've taken over the summer and our account balances were dwindling rapidly. We decided to use a portion of our savings to pay off the loan and give ourselves some much needed wiggle room.

I've also been considering purchases carefully. This month is always a good time to shop clearance racks. Toys, clothes, shoes, home goods all seem to be at the lowest level they will be for the whole year. I usually keep a list of needs and wants. I get more bang for our bucks in August and knock out around 2/3 of our Christmas shopping in this month alone.

So far I'm pretty much outfitted for late summer and autumn. I've added a few gifts to the Christmas drawer. I've stocked up on some non perishable items. And I'm still well within my spending allowance.

Where I'm Going:
The month ahead should have goals too, I think. And so I'd like to tackle these areas:

Balance. I want to be more assertive about achieving balance in my life. When I'm tired I want to rest. When I'm running low on boosting power, I want to make time to refuel. When I've been with people for hours and hours and I need to be alone, I want to take an hour for myself. Instead of pushing myself so very hard to be ON all the time, I want to learn to recognize my needs and meet them. No one else knows when I've had too much.

$100 Makeover. I shared how back years and years ago I took $100 and went to the makeup counter and splurged, at a time in my life when I could ill afford to do so. Well that's not the case any longer, but I don't necessarily want to spend $100 at one stop. What I do want to do is allow myself the time and money to go get a really good haircut (am actively looking for a new style now). I'm not locked into a hairstylist at present either, so I'm shopping there, too.

I'll also take myself off to the makeup counter at one of the mall stores to get a makeover. I'll probably not purchase all the products used (likely just one and that the least expensive item). I'll do like I do always: head out to the discount stores and buy the closest matches I can find. But I'd really like to see what someone else's vision of me is like. How would a professional play up my eyes? What color blush would she use for someone with my coloring?

And third in this category: I need some good supportive bras. The last two I bought were an absolute waste of money. New ones would give mea much needed 'boost'. Enough said on that.

Now if all these items don't cost $100, then so much the better. But I thought I'd just put a ceiling on it for budgetary benefits.

Home: I want my home to look as well cared for on the outside as I try to keep it inside. And I have a few tasks to do inside as well.

I've put off some tasks for far too long. I need to finish upholstering a chair that I started last autumn before Mama fell and broke her ankle. The seat cushion needs to be sewn up. I need fringe around the bottom.

I need to repot several houseplants. I have the soil. I have the pots. I just need to do it.

I have to get the front porch and back deck washed off and ready for painting. They both need to be cleaned really well. And the stuff that's accumulated over the last few months needs to be removed and both areas just generally made to be pretty once more. I need to buy a water hose, my old one is worthless.

I need to buy the paint and get that front door painted. It's had a patch of paint on it where I tested out a pot last year...and that's it. It really needs to be done. And while I'm at it, I'll buy another gallon of white paint for porch and deck railings.

Finances: I have accumulated quite a lot of stuff over the last few years. Some were collections that moved me heart and soul and no longer cause my heart to skip a beat. Some are perfectly good clothing pieces that I've tired of or can no longer wear due to weight gain. Both need to go. I could donate to Goodwill but I am sure I can easily sell them on eBay and plan to try to do so. I'll be more businesslike about how I use eBay this time around (having learned quite a lot during the two years I actively sold online) and since I'm not going to be purchasing stuff for resale, I don't have to claim a single penny earned as taxable income. Proceeds could be used to pay for Christmas gifts, or put aside for a possible vacation.

Hey, I'm going to be an entreprenuer, again!

Physical body. On my list of things to buy: a variety of vitamin and mineral supplements that I keep reading over and over again I need to be taking for maximum health and weight loss: Vitamin D, Chromium, Magnesium, Zinc. Too many of us these days get too little Vitamin B, iodine (especially if you're use sea salt and don't eat fish). I've been taking note of recommendations.

One thing I did take away from Weight Watchers (despite my lack of weight loss) was that what we 'see' as a portion and the actual measurement of a portion are often at variance. Our counselor had several of us pour out a bowl of cereal to the level we were certain was the serving size of 1 cup (and some cereals don't even allow that much!). On average, we poured out 2 servings... I've often heard that it isn't just what we eat but how much of it we eat. And to that end, I want to learn the concept of portions. Gracious there isn't a thing we buy that doesn't come with a nutritional statement on it these days (except loose fruits and vegs and I can look those up online or in any good cookbook).

And finally in this area I want to try an experiment. This is something my mom has done with great success. She eats a good breakfast each morning, a hearty breakfast. Then she eats dinner midday. For her evening meal she eats light. A bowl of cereal, cottage cheese and fruit, or yogurt, and occasionally soup. The average serving of cereal is 100 calories and the same for a cup of soup. Even if you ate two servings of either one, you'd be eating less calories than the average meal. And those fewer calories will be entering your system at a time of day when you'll naturally be using up fewer calories.

So that's my set of goals to reach for over the coming month... I'm excited to get started!