Do You Think You Can?

Have any of you seen the series on Style channel called "Ruby"?   This woman, Ruby, has been on a journey of weight loss and self discovery. Her highest weight, 750 pounds. Her current weight, (or at least as of the episode I just watched Sunday evening), 333 pounds. Ruby determined to overhaul her life. And frankly, I've been fascinated as everything with the series.

It's a reality based program. The camera crew comes in and shoots the day to day life of this woman. We see her eating, sleeping, embracing change while fearing it, doing things she's never done before, facing old demons and overcoming them. And I am enthralled.

Why? Because even though some of the programs aren't at all earthshattering in their content, every now and then there's a gem of wisdom that I snatch up and call mine as well. Like the episode where her old boyfriend showed up and she realized that she wanted to be in love with herself, more than she wanted to be in love with him...

Or last week's episode where she decided that she had to take charge of her own health instead of relying solely on experts chosen by someone else. So Ruby went out and found personal trainers and interviewed them and worked out with them . One guy (she ended up not choosing to be her personal trainer), encouraged her in the trial session to get on a bicycle and ride. Ruby was certain she couldn't do it, but tried anyway and found she could indeed ride a real bike, not just a stationary bike. She's now incorporated bike riding into her fitness routine. What she sought she finally found in a husband and wife team: a healthy work out that was fun, not a boring routine.

Now for honesty time. I once weighed more than Ruby weighs presently. I lost a bit on my own, then went to Weight Watchers for a year and lost a total of 12 pounds in 12 months...before breaking down and following Atkins for two years. I lost and kept off a total of about 40 pounds with Atkins, until I tired of the restrictive eating and the plateau and began eating what I wanted and gained 20 pounds.

I am not full of self loathing. I overcame that a long time ago. I've pretty much accepted that I'm never going to be one of those models with 6 pack abs or a body free of scars and stretch marks. I mean, I've faced reality. Even if I were 100 pounds lighter, I'd still be pear shaped. That's my body type. It isn't going to change. But as accepting as I am of who I am and my body shape and all that, I do want to lose weight. And here's why: I'm wearing an old set of clothes.

It's not the material clothing I'm talking about. It's my body. This body, this weight, was the result of a lot of pain and hurt, of literally growing a thicker skin to get through the hard times. It doesn't fit me anymore. It isn't suited to a woman who is happy, truly happy, confident, secure. It's better suited to an introverted, unhappy person than it is to who I am today.

As well, this body limits me physically. Twenty years ago, I could move more easily than I can now. I have more pain. And twenty pounds ago hurt less than what I currently weigh, too, just in case there was any doubt in my mind of the weight/pain connection. Obviously I miss the mobility I had twenty years ago, before car accident and age combined to decrease my ability to move freely.

Watching Ruby ride that bike, I saw a look of joy on her face. A freedom. She'd rediscovered something she'd thought it wasn't possible for her to enjoy again. And I wanted that same joy once more.

I told my husband I wanted a bike and he laughed. He wasn't being mean or cruel. He laughed because we live on a hill. This would definitely be a challenge. He didn't deny that I might well manage my way downhill, and even on the flat driveway at the bottom of the hill. But coming up hill? He just didn't think I could do that. Mind you, when Ruby is riding her bike along the streets near her home, they are level. No hills.

Well maybe riding a bike would be an uphill challenge, no pun intended...but surely there are other activities I might attempt which would be healthful, which would bring pleasure? I'll be the first to attest that I am not one of those folks who will walk miles or do a thousand repetitions of exercise just for the joy of the burn. I don't like exercise without purpose. Put me out at the mall and I'll walk until I can't go a step further, enjoying looking into windows and gathering inspiration as I stroll. Put me on the beach and I can walk miles, just looking at the ocean and thinking deep thoughts or talking over plans for our future with my husband. Walk for the express purpose of saying I did 'x' miles...forget it. I've got other things I could be doing with that time. That's just my mind set. But to have fun? I could do that.

And I guess that's what I really want to find. A way to have fun that incidentally will make me more physically fit. Not living near the ocean nor a mall, I'm at a slight disadvantage. Walking across our uneven ground tends to put me in more physical pain than I can bear. But I'm here to tell you right now that I am going to keep my eye open for a bicycle. I'm thinking I might just manage it, hill and all. And in the meantime, maybe I'll look around for another way to have a little fun, like learn a few dance routines or jump rope, or get a little trampoline to jog in place upon...Those sound like fun, too.

This 70 week Inspired living challenge isn't about focusing on just one area of my life, but on all aspects, including the physical side. If I come to the end of it without losing one pound that's okay, but if I come out the other side having gotten a little more physically fit, a little more mobile and stronger, then that's wonderful. And who knows what the end result might be if I just think that I can do it?