It's not that I've chosen to stop living inspired. It's not even that I want to quit on this project after all this time. I've just been lost in a fog of sorts. It's partly a winter thing. When it's sunny and beautiful I am busy busy busy making hay while the sun shines as the old saying goes. When it's cloudy and grey (all too often these days), I am struggling.
I did do one project, finally. I redid the top of the three bookcases that form a unit across one wall of the main living area. I love it. I think it looks great. I'm happy with the color choices and the cost which was very reasonable, spread out over time as it was. I have said before, when it comes to creating a look in my home, I am very very patient. It took me about 9 months to gather all the items.
I managed another creative project: getting my home keeping notebook dividers made. I didn't fashion them from cardstock and scrapbookpaper as planned. Instead I found some cute, cute, cute!, file folders which were just the thing when cut right down the seam to make two dividers. I am very happy with how the project turned out.
I pushed myself once more to do a Big Shop. I did it more as a matter of wanting to take advantage of the major sales ongoing after taking part in a Pantry Freezer challenge for January. And yes, it brought home all over again how wearing it is to put so much time and effort and caused so much physical pain.
Mama and Granny are doing well together. Mama has more peace I think than she has had in many months. However, she continues to postpone calling the many resources for help that she was told by the Alzheimer's Support Group to call. I've held firm on my resolve not to get involved or to try and force the issues.
Now that January is over, I feel very happy with the work done over the past month. The chronological Bible reading is well under way and I hope this month to begin the study of the Names of God that I'd meant to do as well.
I also managed my finances very well. With the pantry/freezer challenge I joined I did manage to stay within budget. I had enough money extra to cover my daughter's special dietary needs after her oral surgery. I was pleased I didn't have to spend extra. The money for my Christmas savings is in the bank. I saved $60 for the month. I also managed to stay enough within our budget to put a nice chunk of money into savings, a feat of which I am particularly proud.
Housekeeping plans never really took off. I have all sorts of want to dos where deep cleaning is concerned but keeping up with the usual housework seems to be all I can manage. I am hoping this month to do better on that end. If I pace myself, I am sure I can manage it.
Other goals for February are to tackle another UFO project. I am thinking this month it will be my closet. I really want to get this done, because I had a vision of how it might look when I began it months ago. I want the closet to be neat and pretty and well organized.
I've spent the weekend looking through old Victoria and Martha Stewart Living magazines. My desire was to gain inspiration for the month ahead. Last night I had two sheets of paper filled with ideas for decorating, Valentine's ideas, recipes, menus and more. Even an advertisement can be inspiring if I look closely at the ads and determine what it is that captures my attention. I plan to continue with this all through the next week or so.
I've tentatively planned a 'play date' with a new friend to go antiquing later this month. I'll be saving my weekly allowance towards that trip and if for some reason it falls through, no harm, because next month there is an annual miles long yard sale, Peaches to Beaches that I plan to drive through for a bit.
I've grown so accustomed to being alone and keeping my life so firmly in a self-prescribed rut that I admit I feel a bit anxious thinking of going off for the day with someone I don't know well at the moment. But I feel very much it's time for me to begin to be independent. It's all part of my desire to be stronger, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
This week also saw the completion of a 21day fast that my husband and I both took part in. I chose to give up coffee and Coke Zero. I allowed myself 1 cup of coffee each morning and only one. I can't tell you it was easy, it was hard. I didn't have a specific prayer focus. I did it only because I wanted to give up something for my God and Savior. I felt guilty for a good bit of this fast. Not becasue I didn't stop wanting coffee, but because others I knew had specific focuses for the fast. I finally realized this past Wednesday night that it didn't matter that I didn't have a specific focus. My focus had been that I wanted to show my love to God. That was enough.
I look forward to February 1.
Week 33, Day 1
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Week 30, Day 4 Oh Life, Your Bite Hurts!
I had great plans for the first of this year. Great plans to accomplish more creatively, homemaking wise, writing wise and personally. What have I done? Nada. Nothing. Zilch. And yet the truth is I've been very busy! I've read three or four books, dreamed a good many dreams, shopped towards some of the end result of the dreaming, come to a few realizations and lived the day to day life I normally lead as a wife and mother.
I've had this vision since last summer of my bathroom in a pale green, with cream cabinetry and black accents. So I bought towels and cream paint and wonderful rugs that look like woven straw to match the new ideal. I still have money enough to buy the green paint. As it happened a few days after I'd bought the paint I saw the very color plan used on a decorating program. I was so pleased with how it all looked that I am glad I didn't listen to any outside influences. The room on television was beautiful. So will be my bathroom.
Another errand on my list that day was to buy new shoes. I bought two pairs. One was a casual pair of Sketcher knock offs. The other pair of shoes were dressy, beautiful, feminine, dreamy... Note the last descriptive word: dreamy. Those shoes were everything I dream of wearing. Trouble is that my dream and my reality are worlds and worlds apart. I could barely walk after my half day of shopping, my feet were so painful. I didn't sleep at all that night. It was with great sorrow that the next day I realized my beautiful new shoes would have to be returned. I've come a long way over the past 18 years since I injured my ankles and knees but not far enough.
On Wednesday I went out with Mama to shop. I was shocked at two realizations that day. She came very near a minor accident all because she stubbornly refused to slow down, even though the lane she was driving in was CLOSED with those big orange barrels they use...Later in the day as I watched her negotiate a parking lot I realized that the problem is her vision, her depth perception appears to be seriously compromised. I am very reluctant at this point to ride with her unless I am driving. I foresee the necessity of her giving up driving on her own in the near future.
After Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent Thursday and Friday recovering from two days of excess activity. Reality bite number three: I cannot shop and clean house in the same day. That's fact.
Here again, I bump against my own concept of who I want to be and who I AM. Apparently I do a very good job of disguising my lacks because my mom doesn't see them at all. My husband on the other hand does see the toll it takes on me to continually physically push myself. He is constantly after me to rest, to slow down, to not overdo.
I had breakfast with Granny Thursday and Friday and all was well. In fact, Friday morning she was so much better, looking rested, even going so far as to say that she thought things were going to quiet down for awhile. The calm before the storm I guess.
When I arrived on Monday morning I found Granny only partially dressed. It took a great deal of encouragement to get her to even consider putting on clothes. She had on shoes, socks, two shirts. No panties or pants. Her hair was uncombed. I found clothing for her and encouraged her to dress while I turned up the heaters to warm the house, made sure coffee water was hot and ready for a warming cup and set the table for breakfast. Granny called out that she was having trouble. Indeed she was.
I had to help her dress. She told me later that she had fallen in her bedroom and had hurt her knee. Her knee was swollen and obviously stiff. She said she'd laid in the floor for a while until she got herself up. And she hadn't told Mama about it. I found the morning disturbing enough that I came home and tried to alternately work off my concerns in housework or to hide in a book. There was something very basic bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on just what though I reviewed the data over and over again.
The next morning when I arrived I found her in the same basic state of undress and obvious confusion. She didn't bother to even try and dress, nor to turn up the heaters but dived directly into eating breakfast. That's when I knew why I was so bothered.
All of my life, Granny has been adamant that we appear properly attired at all times. The breakfast table is the example that stands out most. In our home, we often ate breakfast in our pajamas. In Granny's home, breakfast was not eaten until one was dressed, hair combed, face and hands washed. For Granny to sit down at that breakfast table and eat while her hair was a riot and her bottom half unclothed drove home more forcibly than anything else might have done that she was no longer able to live on her own. As she ate, I gently encouraged her to leave the food long enough to dress.
As she dressed she told me that she'd gone out on the porch with one of her visitors the evening before (some of her delusional people) and the door locked as she went out. She'd stood on the porch for an hour or so hoping someone would come by that she might wave down and get help getting back in the house. As it happened my brother went up to shut her gate and found her on the porch and let her back in the house.
That morning I called Mama and talked to her about what had occurred the previous two days and told her that I thought it time we looked into an alternate living situation for Granny. Mama said she'd talked with the Alzheimer's Support Group the day before and had found a wealth of helpful info. They had strongly urged placement in an assisted living environment with an alternative option of having a day care provider come in for 3-4 hours per day. I pointed out to Mama that we were already giving Granny the 3-4 hours of time per day and it was obviously not enough to keep her safe in her own home. She agreed and said she'd look into assisted living centers that afternoon.
When I came home later that day, after dealing with a car repair and a Big Shop, Mama called to say that Granny had agreed to come live with her again. Truthfully this is not ideal. Mama does not have the emotional nor physical stamina to be a full time caregiver. As well, she has refused to call for further help from any agency.
Mama doesn't see these things as a problem. After all, she truly believes that I can and should step up and take on the majority of the care of the two of them together. For a long time now, I've guiltily felt I ought to do the same but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to balance my life with the demands already upon me with my own lack of physical strength and my limited abilities.
A further reality bite occurred when my car broke down. It was fixed and not costly for a 'get by' repair. However, it drove home a fact that we have chosen to largely ignore. My car has 175,000 miles on it. We'd been hoping that it would last us for at least another 75,000 and towards that end we were preparing to put a good sum of money into replacing some major parts, getting body/paintwork done and replacing a few of the accessories. The cost to repair the broken part was quoted at $1500, more than the value of the car. Even if we did the things we'd planned to do and left that particular repair off the integrity of the car will be less as it is a major accessory (the air conditioner). Ultimately we've decided to proceed with routine maintenance only and to save the funds we'd planned to put into the car to improve the appearance.
And again that day another reality: After my morning with Granny, time spent in the car dealership and then doing a Big Shop, I realized that for me, the Big Shop is a thing of the past. I was so exhausted and wiped out after the Big Shop that I could barely move. I feel fine inside,
better than I've felt in a long time. But outwardly, I quickly grow weary. A Big Shop is too much. I will have to start shopping weekly. I simply cannot manage the heavy lifting and long drawn out tasks of bulk shopping.
So the week just past was difficult on many levels. What's more it was rife with a lot of realizations that I'd been willingly turning a blind eye to: my physical health, my grandmother's mental health, my mom's determination to demand more of me, our hopes where my car is concerned. Ultimately I know that these realizations all lead to an important phase of my life: acknowledging limits and sticking with them.
This is not the happy cheerful post I'd like to have made. It isn't full of the creative things I've done or the inspiring places I'd been. In fact, here at the halfway mark of my 70 week challenge I am beginning to think of scrapping the whole plan. But then again maybe not.
I've had this vision since last summer of my bathroom in a pale green, with cream cabinetry and black accents. So I bought towels and cream paint and wonderful rugs that look like woven straw to match the new ideal. I still have money enough to buy the green paint. As it happened a few days after I'd bought the paint I saw the very color plan used on a decorating program. I was so pleased with how it all looked that I am glad I didn't listen to any outside influences. The room on television was beautiful. So will be my bathroom.
Another errand on my list that day was to buy new shoes. I bought two pairs. One was a casual pair of Sketcher knock offs. The other pair of shoes were dressy, beautiful, feminine, dreamy... Note the last descriptive word: dreamy. Those shoes were everything I dream of wearing. Trouble is that my dream and my reality are worlds and worlds apart. I could barely walk after my half day of shopping, my feet were so painful. I didn't sleep at all that night. It was with great sorrow that the next day I realized my beautiful new shoes would have to be returned. I've come a long way over the past 18 years since I injured my ankles and knees but not far enough.
On Wednesday I went out with Mama to shop. I was shocked at two realizations that day. She came very near a minor accident all because she stubbornly refused to slow down, even though the lane she was driving in was CLOSED with those big orange barrels they use...Later in the day as I watched her negotiate a parking lot I realized that the problem is her vision, her depth perception appears to be seriously compromised. I am very reluctant at this point to ride with her unless I am driving. I foresee the necessity of her giving up driving on her own in the near future.
After Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent Thursday and Friday recovering from two days of excess activity. Reality bite number three: I cannot shop and clean house in the same day. That's fact.
Here again, I bump against my own concept of who I want to be and who I AM. Apparently I do a very good job of disguising my lacks because my mom doesn't see them at all. My husband on the other hand does see the toll it takes on me to continually physically push myself. He is constantly after me to rest, to slow down, to not overdo.
I had breakfast with Granny Thursday and Friday and all was well. In fact, Friday morning she was so much better, looking rested, even going so far as to say that she thought things were going to quiet down for awhile. The calm before the storm I guess.
When I arrived on Monday morning I found Granny only partially dressed. It took a great deal of encouragement to get her to even consider putting on clothes. She had on shoes, socks, two shirts. No panties or pants. Her hair was uncombed. I found clothing for her and encouraged her to dress while I turned up the heaters to warm the house, made sure coffee water was hot and ready for a warming cup and set the table for breakfast. Granny called out that she was having trouble. Indeed she was.
I had to help her dress. She told me later that she had fallen in her bedroom and had hurt her knee. Her knee was swollen and obviously stiff. She said she'd laid in the floor for a while until she got herself up. And she hadn't told Mama about it. I found the morning disturbing enough that I came home and tried to alternately work off my concerns in housework or to hide in a book. There was something very basic bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on just what though I reviewed the data over and over again.
The next morning when I arrived I found her in the same basic state of undress and obvious confusion. She didn't bother to even try and dress, nor to turn up the heaters but dived directly into eating breakfast. That's when I knew why I was so bothered.
All of my life, Granny has been adamant that we appear properly attired at all times. The breakfast table is the example that stands out most. In our home, we often ate breakfast in our pajamas. In Granny's home, breakfast was not eaten until one was dressed, hair combed, face and hands washed. For Granny to sit down at that breakfast table and eat while her hair was a riot and her bottom half unclothed drove home more forcibly than anything else might have done that she was no longer able to live on her own. As she ate, I gently encouraged her to leave the food long enough to dress.
As she dressed she told me that she'd gone out on the porch with one of her visitors the evening before (some of her delusional people) and the door locked as she went out. She'd stood on the porch for an hour or so hoping someone would come by that she might wave down and get help getting back in the house. As it happened my brother went up to shut her gate and found her on the porch and let her back in the house.
That morning I called Mama and talked to her about what had occurred the previous two days and told her that I thought it time we looked into an alternate living situation for Granny. Mama said she'd talked with the Alzheimer's Support Group the day before and had found a wealth of helpful info. They had strongly urged placement in an assisted living environment with an alternative option of having a day care provider come in for 3-4 hours per day. I pointed out to Mama that we were already giving Granny the 3-4 hours of time per day and it was obviously not enough to keep her safe in her own home. She agreed and said she'd look into assisted living centers that afternoon.
When I came home later that day, after dealing with a car repair and a Big Shop, Mama called to say that Granny had agreed to come live with her again. Truthfully this is not ideal. Mama does not have the emotional nor physical stamina to be a full time caregiver. As well, she has refused to call for further help from any agency.
Mama doesn't see these things as a problem. After all, she truly believes that I can and should step up and take on the majority of the care of the two of them together. For a long time now, I've guiltily felt I ought to do the same but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to balance my life with the demands already upon me with my own lack of physical strength and my limited abilities.
A further reality bite occurred when my car broke down. It was fixed and not costly for a 'get by' repair. However, it drove home a fact that we have chosen to largely ignore. My car has 175,000 miles on it. We'd been hoping that it would last us for at least another 75,000 and towards that end we were preparing to put a good sum of money into replacing some major parts, getting body/paintwork done and replacing a few of the accessories. The cost to repair the broken part was quoted at $1500, more than the value of the car. Even if we did the things we'd planned to do and left that particular repair off the integrity of the car will be less as it is a major accessory (the air conditioner). Ultimately we've decided to proceed with routine maintenance only and to save the funds we'd planned to put into the car to improve the appearance.
And again that day another reality: After my morning with Granny, time spent in the car dealership and then doing a Big Shop, I realized that for me, the Big Shop is a thing of the past. I was so exhausted and wiped out after the Big Shop that I could barely move. I feel fine inside,
better than I've felt in a long time. But outwardly, I quickly grow weary. A Big Shop is too much. I will have to start shopping weekly. I simply cannot manage the heavy lifting and long drawn out tasks of bulk shopping.
So the week just past was difficult on many levels. What's more it was rife with a lot of realizations that I'd been willingly turning a blind eye to: my physical health, my grandmother's mental health, my mom's determination to demand more of me, our hopes where my car is concerned. Ultimately I know that these realizations all lead to an important phase of my life: acknowledging limits and sticking with them.
This is not the happy cheerful post I'd like to have made. It isn't full of the creative things I've done or the inspiring places I'd been. In fact, here at the halfway mark of my 70 week challenge I am beginning to think of scrapping the whole plan. But then again maybe not.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Week 28/Day 5: A New Day, A New Year and A New Decade...
I can't deny that I am thrilled to be facing a new decade. My husband and I were talking over the one behind last night. It was difficult to say the least, yet blessings abounded as well. Had it not been for those blessings we'd likely have collapsed under the strain of the trials, lol.
I've been busy in the week just past. For one thing I've worked hard on my home. There's plenty of major projects to tackle and keep me busy for months. I am contemplating re-doing several areas. I have some materials on hand that will allow me to get off to a good start on several of the projects.
My mind has been busy too. It seems I am on a creative carousel. I was about to toss a catalog last night when I suddenly 'saw' a project in my mind's eye that involved the cover photo. I have sevearl projects in mind, (again all I need is on hand) to start out this New Year. A friend shared with me her idea of covering cardstock with pretty scrapbook paper to make dividers for my home keeping notebook. I am thrilled at the idea of the pretty dividers soon to be mine.
My new Bible reading program went well this morning. I had enough quiet time to really get into the meat of the reading, time enough to research a few matters of curiosity and a revelation I'd never had before. I do love the way the Bible never changes, yet our hearts will be ripe for a new word on a page read often enough to know it well. Isn't that the way it is with our relationships as a whole? We go along thinking we know someone very well indeed and then we see a particular trait we've never noticed or we hear some bit of history about them that we never before had heard and suddenly we are aware that we don't really know them as well as we thought. I find the Bible is exactly that way. It is my stepping stone into building a relationship with God through His word. Reading a passage that speaks to me in a new way is exciting.
My husband and I have had roughly a week alone. Our daughter is off visiting her big brother and so we've spent a lot of time with just ourselves. I look at these days as test drives for what life will be like when she is gone from home. And a good thing, too, because when we had dinner with the two yesterday it was revealed that they plan to be roommates come summer. He requires help with the rent while he's still in school. She needs to be in an area with employement opportunities once she's finished school. This will suit both their needs.
While today has been rather relaxing, I expect to be right in the heart of activity come Monday morning. I am so excited to begin work on my goals for the year!
I've been busy in the week just past. For one thing I've worked hard on my home. There's plenty of major projects to tackle and keep me busy for months. I am contemplating re-doing several areas. I have some materials on hand that will allow me to get off to a good start on several of the projects.
My mind has been busy too. It seems I am on a creative carousel. I was about to toss a catalog last night when I suddenly 'saw' a project in my mind's eye that involved the cover photo. I have sevearl projects in mind, (again all I need is on hand) to start out this New Year. A friend shared with me her idea of covering cardstock with pretty scrapbook paper to make dividers for my home keeping notebook. I am thrilled at the idea of the pretty dividers soon to be mine.
My new Bible reading program went well this morning. I had enough quiet time to really get into the meat of the reading, time enough to research a few matters of curiosity and a revelation I'd never had before. I do love the way the Bible never changes, yet our hearts will be ripe for a new word on a page read often enough to know it well. Isn't that the way it is with our relationships as a whole? We go along thinking we know someone very well indeed and then we see a particular trait we've never noticed or we hear some bit of history about them that we never before had heard and suddenly we are aware that we don't really know them as well as we thought. I find the Bible is exactly that way. It is my stepping stone into building a relationship with God through His word. Reading a passage that speaks to me in a new way is exciting.
My husband and I have had roughly a week alone. Our daughter is off visiting her big brother and so we've spent a lot of time with just ourselves. I look at these days as test drives for what life will be like when she is gone from home. And a good thing, too, because when we had dinner with the two yesterday it was revealed that they plan to be roommates come summer. He requires help with the rent while he's still in school. She needs to be in an area with employement opportunities once she's finished school. This will suit both their needs.
While today has been rather relaxing, I expect to be right in the heart of activity come Monday morning. I am so excited to begin work on my goals for the year!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Week 27/Day 7: Ponderings for the Next Year
Hello all. I know. I'm sure you've all been absolutely as busy as I've been the past four weeks and will fully understand why I was MIA on this blog. It seemed I did a great deal in the intervening weeks. I decorated for Christmas, did the shopping I'd left undone all year long, fretted over ways and means and was delighted to realize that (a) God would and did provide and that (b) what I couldn't afford wasn't necessarily the best gift I could give anyway. I cooked, cleaned, travelled (Kay had a number of doctor appointments and we had many days of errands, services, and shopping tossed in for good measure), worked and worked and worked and enjoyed a few Christmas parties.
My husband's work party this year was exceptionally pleasant. Usually we gather at a local pizza place. It's always a nice gathering but in a public place with booths it's hard to get in a nice group. This year his boss decided to have the party in his home, the tables were set up in one room and the whole things went off very nicely. So nicely that his boss eventually told us all to go home!lol.
Just for the record, our family get together at my mom's was by far one of the best we've had in years. It made up in gold for the way our Thanksgiving Day went down. My sweet husband was actually able to attend that gathering with me for a change. It's seldom that he is included in my family gatherings because my mother seldom plans them around his off weeks. However, my son got in on the planning this time and made sure the dates coincided with his dad's off week. I'm not sure my husband was thrilled, lol, but I was deeply happy to have him there. I often feel very much as though I have a fictitious husband when we're with my family.
We've had a lot of rain this month as well, probably as much rain altogether as our midwestern friends and family have had snow this past week. The ground is sodden and squishy still. It runs in the ditches as it hasn't for years and years. The river is high and has stayed so for nearly 6 weeks now.
A bit of personal family news: My husband was offered Worship leader position at our synagogue and accepted after he went into prayer. This is the most wonderful news as it confirms our decision to trust God to position him to move ahead in his music career as well our faith that we were moving into the very place where God wanted us.
The past month has not been all about parties and work and rain however. I finished my annual review. I had a lovely Christmas Day, though I admit to having a rather blah feeling about it all right up until Christmas Eve. I've had a couple of days alone to really ponder and think about the year ahead and plan my goals for the month. I'm excited over some of the creative ideas I've had in the past two days as well. I guess I just needed the quiet spaces to hear my creative voice once more.
It also occurred to in the past couple of days that we aren't just starting a new year, we're starting a new decade. I would love to look a bit further ahead into my future and see where I'll be at this time in 2019. Just a sneak peek, you know? But I will tell you, if offered the opportunity it's unlikely I'd look. I never can read the last chapter or page of a book to see how it comes out. How could I do that for my life? It would spoil all the fun of the surprises ahead wouldn't it?
So while I have this stretch of alone time, I'd like to start sharing a few of my goals for the coming month:
#1 I have a new Bible study plotted out. A couple of years ago I decided to study the names of God so I could learn more about who He was. It was a good study but I felt I learned only the tip of the whole of Him. I found a new book that includes more scripture and questions to work on at the end of each chapter. I thought I'd like to go back and read the other two books as well as the new one, to view different translations of the Bible etc. I mean to go more in depth this time.
As it happens I had a wonderful revelation of a side of Christ I've never had before. At the beginning of the month as I sat in synagogue I wrote out a quick list of all that Yeshua is to me. It wasn't by any means comprehensive but just a quick run through: Counselor, Confidant, Savior, Lamb of God, etc. It gave me a nice bit of food for thought. The last service we attended I was so moved by the music and began to pray about my blase state of late. I knew part of the problem was that I'd lost that deep personal side of my spiritual life.
I don't know about you, but just as I can disconnect from my husband at times, due to being busy and tired, I also disconnect from God. This particular Saturday, I suddenly had a vision of Jesus gathering me in his arms and showering kisses all over my face. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I felt myself yearning for him. I was a bit surprised by the vision because I'd never thought of Jesus Lover of my Soul, but that it what the experience was reminiscent of, a passionate yearning for Him, wanting to be as near as I could get to Him once more. It was not sexual but it was definitely full of longing and desire on my part to meet His desire for me to draw near...It was a wonderful revelation. To feel that he longed for me to return to Him as much as I longed to return...I was overwhelmed with that vision of His love for me.
That revelation has made me even more determined to follow this study for the beginning of the year.
I also plan to begin reading the Bible through once more. I am very close to finishing this year's reading of the Bible. The next reading will follow a chronological pattern, so that the whole falls into the actual time line as I read.
#2 I have had a strong tendency to speak for my children and my husband, often interfering in their natural relationship with one another and others and irritating all mightily. It isn't done maliciously but more and more I see it as an act of arrogance, as though I know better than they what they should be saying and when, need intervention in their relationships with one another, are unable to handle their own affairs. I am working hard to curb that tendency. That same revelatory Saturday at synagogue pointed up this fact. I came very near speaking on my husband's behalf to someone. I listened to the inner urging to keep my tongue still and I'm so happy I did, because the way things worked out I'd have been completely off base and out of line! Frankly it saved a world of hurt and hard feelings. With his new position as Worship leader it is vital that I keep still and let him do this in his way, working through prayer to handle it as he feels is best. I'll need prayers for me on this one dears, and will deeply appreciate it if you'll remember me.
#3 We did very well over the holiday period but it's time to get strict once more about our finances. I'll be returning to my pre-holiday budget of $115 per week for our grocery, personal and household needs. Honestly if I can bring it lower I will, but I feel it will be challenge enough at first to get back to this limit.
As well, we allocated a portion of our income from savings to our checking for the past three months while my husband has been on shortened pay due to his accumulation of holidays and vacations. It isn't a great sum but it made up the difference in the naturally built in overtime hours he would receive when working. Now that he's back to regular hours at the beginning of the year, I want to make sure that portion is once more allotted to our savings account.
Another desire this year is to save $10/week towards next year's Christmas expenses. I have truly had good intentions about finishing Christmas shopping by the end of October but for years now it hasn't happened. We get hit heavily by birthdays in February and again for an 8 week period starting at the end of May and running through mid-July. By the time we hit that second wave of birthdays I am so offtrack it's impossible to catch up. With my husband now planning to take off for the full month of October and several days in both November and December of each year, the money suddenly dwindles about the time I'm ready to pull up my bootstraps and go at the shopping once more. And I've discovered that the man actually LIKES to shop for Christmas gifts! Who knew?
So with all that in mind, it seems that if I can at least put aside a set amount each week we should be able to fairly well manage our shopping in those long weeks he's out of work. $10/week will more than cover what we'd normally spend and give us a little wiggle room for mailing packages to the Grands as well, which by the way, took a nice chunk of money this year! As well $10/week is just a matter of scraping together loose change and going without a couple of sodas or a bunch of flowers. I can do that easily!
#4 Time to get back on track with my housekeeping. This past year has been abysmal as far as cleaning went. Between taking care of sick folks and running hither and yon to doctors and such, I truly never finished a single deep clean of any room. I will once more revert to Fly lady's cleaning plan which will allow me to focus fully on one room a week. I may not do all the deep cleaning in that week, but when the next week rolls around the following month, I should be able to tackle still more of the required tasks. I figure that means each room should be well and truly cleaned at least once a quarter, a far better record than this year. I do very well with the routine stuff so no need to sign up for a course of reminders. I just need to focus on one area each week to get the house fully back in shape once more.
#5 I have all sorts of ideas for the Penny Ann blog. I won't share what all I hope to implement in the coming year, but I'm really excited about the thoughts that have come across to me this past weekend. I've been busy jotting down notes. Penny Ann is a work in constant process of being changed. I can't wait to see how the ideas work out.
#6 UFO's abound in my home. Unfinished Objects, areas, crafts, etc. I plan to tackle at least one UFO a week in the coming month. Some are going to require more work than others and some simply require that I stop putting them off. I want this year to be the year I finally achieve a completion of every started project. Then I can get away from the distractions they cause and move forward.
Notice what I am not putting down as a goal. For the first time in nearly 40 years I am not making it a goal to lose weight, diet, eat right or exercise. I am so sick of having that around my neck weighing me down. I'm hopeful that this year, I finally get around to just enjoying my life and stop feeling guilty about food and what others must think of me. I figure if I focus on the areas of my life that are important to me, rather than the one that the world at large tells me I should, I'll be a great deal happier.
I'll end here, as it's getting time for my husband to come in from work. I will do my best to post at least weekly now the holidays are over.
My husband's work party this year was exceptionally pleasant. Usually we gather at a local pizza place. It's always a nice gathering but in a public place with booths it's hard to get in a nice group. This year his boss decided to have the party in his home, the tables were set up in one room and the whole things went off very nicely. So nicely that his boss eventually told us all to go home!lol.
Just for the record, our family get together at my mom's was by far one of the best we've had in years. It made up in gold for the way our Thanksgiving Day went down. My sweet husband was actually able to attend that gathering with me for a change. It's seldom that he is included in my family gatherings because my mother seldom plans them around his off weeks. However, my son got in on the planning this time and made sure the dates coincided with his dad's off week. I'm not sure my husband was thrilled, lol, but I was deeply happy to have him there. I often feel very much as though I have a fictitious husband when we're with my family.
We've had a lot of rain this month as well, probably as much rain altogether as our midwestern friends and family have had snow this past week. The ground is sodden and squishy still. It runs in the ditches as it hasn't for years and years. The river is high and has stayed so for nearly 6 weeks now.
A bit of personal family news: My husband was offered Worship leader position at our synagogue and accepted after he went into prayer. This is the most wonderful news as it confirms our decision to trust God to position him to move ahead in his music career as well our faith that we were moving into the very place where God wanted us.
The past month has not been all about parties and work and rain however. I finished my annual review. I had a lovely Christmas Day, though I admit to having a rather blah feeling about it all right up until Christmas Eve. I've had a couple of days alone to really ponder and think about the year ahead and plan my goals for the month. I'm excited over some of the creative ideas I've had in the past two days as well. I guess I just needed the quiet spaces to hear my creative voice once more.
It also occurred to in the past couple of days that we aren't just starting a new year, we're starting a new decade. I would love to look a bit further ahead into my future and see where I'll be at this time in 2019. Just a sneak peek, you know? But I will tell you, if offered the opportunity it's unlikely I'd look. I never can read the last chapter or page of a book to see how it comes out. How could I do that for my life? It would spoil all the fun of the surprises ahead wouldn't it?
So while I have this stretch of alone time, I'd like to start sharing a few of my goals for the coming month:
#1 I have a new Bible study plotted out. A couple of years ago I decided to study the names of God so I could learn more about who He was. It was a good study but I felt I learned only the tip of the whole of Him. I found a new book that includes more scripture and questions to work on at the end of each chapter. I thought I'd like to go back and read the other two books as well as the new one, to view different translations of the Bible etc. I mean to go more in depth this time.
As it happens I had a wonderful revelation of a side of Christ I've never had before. At the beginning of the month as I sat in synagogue I wrote out a quick list of all that Yeshua is to me. It wasn't by any means comprehensive but just a quick run through: Counselor, Confidant, Savior, Lamb of God, etc. It gave me a nice bit of food for thought. The last service we attended I was so moved by the music and began to pray about my blase state of late. I knew part of the problem was that I'd lost that deep personal side of my spiritual life.
I don't know about you, but just as I can disconnect from my husband at times, due to being busy and tired, I also disconnect from God. This particular Saturday, I suddenly had a vision of Jesus gathering me in his arms and showering kisses all over my face. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I felt myself yearning for him. I was a bit surprised by the vision because I'd never thought of Jesus Lover of my Soul, but that it what the experience was reminiscent of, a passionate yearning for Him, wanting to be as near as I could get to Him once more. It was not sexual but it was definitely full of longing and desire on my part to meet His desire for me to draw near...It was a wonderful revelation. To feel that he longed for me to return to Him as much as I longed to return...I was overwhelmed with that vision of His love for me.
That revelation has made me even more determined to follow this study for the beginning of the year.
I also plan to begin reading the Bible through once more. I am very close to finishing this year's reading of the Bible. The next reading will follow a chronological pattern, so that the whole falls into the actual time line as I read.
#2 I have had a strong tendency to speak for my children and my husband, often interfering in their natural relationship with one another and others and irritating all mightily. It isn't done maliciously but more and more I see it as an act of arrogance, as though I know better than they what they should be saying and when, need intervention in their relationships with one another, are unable to handle their own affairs. I am working hard to curb that tendency. That same revelatory Saturday at synagogue pointed up this fact. I came very near speaking on my husband's behalf to someone. I listened to the inner urging to keep my tongue still and I'm so happy I did, because the way things worked out I'd have been completely off base and out of line! Frankly it saved a world of hurt and hard feelings. With his new position as Worship leader it is vital that I keep still and let him do this in his way, working through prayer to handle it as he feels is best. I'll need prayers for me on this one dears, and will deeply appreciate it if you'll remember me.
#3 We did very well over the holiday period but it's time to get strict once more about our finances. I'll be returning to my pre-holiday budget of $115 per week for our grocery, personal and household needs. Honestly if I can bring it lower I will, but I feel it will be challenge enough at first to get back to this limit.
As well, we allocated a portion of our income from savings to our checking for the past three months while my husband has been on shortened pay due to his accumulation of holidays and vacations. It isn't a great sum but it made up the difference in the naturally built in overtime hours he would receive when working. Now that he's back to regular hours at the beginning of the year, I want to make sure that portion is once more allotted to our savings account.
Another desire this year is to save $10/week towards next year's Christmas expenses. I have truly had good intentions about finishing Christmas shopping by the end of October but for years now it hasn't happened. We get hit heavily by birthdays in February and again for an 8 week period starting at the end of May and running through mid-July. By the time we hit that second wave of birthdays I am so offtrack it's impossible to catch up. With my husband now planning to take off for the full month of October and several days in both November and December of each year, the money suddenly dwindles about the time I'm ready to pull up my bootstraps and go at the shopping once more. And I've discovered that the man actually LIKES to shop for Christmas gifts! Who knew?
So with all that in mind, it seems that if I can at least put aside a set amount each week we should be able to fairly well manage our shopping in those long weeks he's out of work. $10/week will more than cover what we'd normally spend and give us a little wiggle room for mailing packages to the Grands as well, which by the way, took a nice chunk of money this year! As well $10/week is just a matter of scraping together loose change and going without a couple of sodas or a bunch of flowers. I can do that easily!
#4 Time to get back on track with my housekeeping. This past year has been abysmal as far as cleaning went. Between taking care of sick folks and running hither and yon to doctors and such, I truly never finished a single deep clean of any room. I will once more revert to Fly lady's cleaning plan which will allow me to focus fully on one room a week. I may not do all the deep cleaning in that week, but when the next week rolls around the following month, I should be able to tackle still more of the required tasks. I figure that means each room should be well and truly cleaned at least once a quarter, a far better record than this year. I do very well with the routine stuff so no need to sign up for a course of reminders. I just need to focus on one area each week to get the house fully back in shape once more.
#5 I have all sorts of ideas for the Penny Ann blog. I won't share what all I hope to implement in the coming year, but I'm really excited about the thoughts that have come across to me this past weekend. I've been busy jotting down notes. Penny Ann is a work in constant process of being changed. I can't wait to see how the ideas work out.
#6 UFO's abound in my home. Unfinished Objects, areas, crafts, etc. I plan to tackle at least one UFO a week in the coming month. Some are going to require more work than others and some simply require that I stop putting them off. I want this year to be the year I finally achieve a completion of every started project. Then I can get away from the distractions they cause and move forward.
Notice what I am not putting down as a goal. For the first time in nearly 40 years I am not making it a goal to lose weight, diet, eat right or exercise. I am so sick of having that around my neck weighing me down. I'm hopeful that this year, I finally get around to just enjoying my life and stop feeling guilty about food and what others must think of me. I figure if I focus on the areas of my life that are important to me, rather than the one that the world at large tells me I should, I'll be a great deal happier.
I'll end here, as it's getting time for my husband to come in from work. I will do my best to post at least weekly now the holidays are over.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Week 23 Day 4 Working My Way Back to Thankfulness
Well...I've had an odd Thanksgiving. Not the tv variety family day at all, but then I didn't expect that exactly. So why do I feel so let down and a little hurt and very much as though I were all alone?
I wanted this day to be something more. But here we have it. It's Thanksgiving and the day I've had is the day I've had. Which carries me full throttle back to one of my goals for this month: Enjoy myself for the holidays.
I am proud I managed to do two things anyway. Mama not only asked me to bring desserts (pumpkin pie and Red Velvet Cake) she also told me how she wanted me to make them. She'd found a new recipe for a pumpkin pie and insisted I should use it to make 'her' pie as she referred to it. And I did. Because she asked me to. And she wanted Red Velvet Cake Cupcakes. I balked on that only after two things happened: I found I had only 14 cupcake liners...and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could manage to transport 2 dozen cupcakes with a soft cream cheese frosting (also her request). So with her permission it became a sheet cake.
My husband thought it rather forward of my mom to not only tell me what to bring but how to make it. I've only been making pumpkin pies for 32 years now, after all, and nary a leftover have we ever had. "Never mind", I told him, "after all in the grand scheme of things, is it really important which recipe I use? Or whether it's cupcakes or cake? Not really, no. And for the sake of good feeling, I'll just do as she asked."
It's not about pumpkin pies or any of the other things that felt off about the day, really. It's missing my own family around me, my children and grandchildren, and missing them all and knowing that the likelihood I shall see them anytime in the future altogether in one room is slim at present.
So to right my frame of mind, I've decided to be thankful this day for what the year just past has brought. And that too may seem an odd route to take considering where I've been in the past 12 months.
I am grateful for the opportunity to work my way through forgiveness. It was tough do care for my mom on a daily basis. There's a really good reason why we agreed many years ago that 1/2 a day every two weeks was more than sufficient time together. But it was important to me to let go of some very old heartaches and grievances. And of course, when I'd prayed about it, the opportunity to work through those issues arrived in the form of a broken ankle and 7 days a week of togetherness for 5 months.
I am thankful for the storm that led to the calm. With all the illnesses and financial challenges and issues that arose this year, it seemed very much as though we were being battered at every turn by strong waves and winds and driving rain. But Thank God! He was bringing us through the storm to this time of peace and quiet.
I am thankful for seasons. It truly seems this year as though we've had no real autumn weather. Summer (which was relatively mild this year) and autumn have really just sort of blended in together. It seemed much that way in my life as well going from one trouble to another. But our life season finally changed.
Iam thankful for my home. Home is more about the atmosphere we create than where we actually live, but for me, where I live is part and parcel of home. This land we live on has deep emotional value to me. The happiest memories of my life took place on this property. For many years, I prayed for a home much like the one I now enjoy: solid, open, filled with light, with clear views of sunrise and sunsets.
I am thankful for my husband. I spent years dealing with tough situations on my own. To have someone standing by my side, cheering me on, bolstering me up when I weaken, encouraging me, caring for me, taking care of me...this is something I never want to take for granted.
I am deeply grateful for my faith. I can't name the number of times I've had to swallow back bitterness, disappointment and sorrow. Why do I hold it at bay? Because I've accepted the promise of the Bible that Faith is being sure of the things we hope for will manifest. I refuse to allow one ounce of unbelief to rob me of my future hope. I will stand strong.
And so I end this post. I will likely be back later this weekend with my December goals and inspirations.
I wanted this day to be something more. But here we have it. It's Thanksgiving and the day I've had is the day I've had. Which carries me full throttle back to one of my goals for this month: Enjoy myself for the holidays.
I am proud I managed to do two things anyway. Mama not only asked me to bring desserts (pumpkin pie and Red Velvet Cake) she also told me how she wanted me to make them. She'd found a new recipe for a pumpkin pie and insisted I should use it to make 'her' pie as she referred to it. And I did. Because she asked me to. And she wanted Red Velvet Cake Cupcakes. I balked on that only after two things happened: I found I had only 14 cupcake liners...and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could manage to transport 2 dozen cupcakes with a soft cream cheese frosting (also her request). So with her permission it became a sheet cake.
My husband thought it rather forward of my mom to not only tell me what to bring but how to make it. I've only been making pumpkin pies for 32 years now, after all, and nary a leftover have we ever had. "Never mind", I told him, "after all in the grand scheme of things, is it really important which recipe I use? Or whether it's cupcakes or cake? Not really, no. And for the sake of good feeling, I'll just do as she asked."
It's not about pumpkin pies or any of the other things that felt off about the day, really. It's missing my own family around me, my children and grandchildren, and missing them all and knowing that the likelihood I shall see them anytime in the future altogether in one room is slim at present.
So to right my frame of mind, I've decided to be thankful this day for what the year just past has brought. And that too may seem an odd route to take considering where I've been in the past 12 months.
I am grateful for the opportunity to work my way through forgiveness. It was tough do care for my mom on a daily basis. There's a really good reason why we agreed many years ago that 1/2 a day every two weeks was more than sufficient time together. But it was important to me to let go of some very old heartaches and grievances. And of course, when I'd prayed about it, the opportunity to work through those issues arrived in the form of a broken ankle and 7 days a week of togetherness for 5 months.
I am thankful for the storm that led to the calm. With all the illnesses and financial challenges and issues that arose this year, it seemed very much as though we were being battered at every turn by strong waves and winds and driving rain. But Thank God! He was bringing us through the storm to this time of peace and quiet.
I am thankful for seasons. It truly seems this year as though we've had no real autumn weather. Summer (which was relatively mild this year) and autumn have really just sort of blended in together. It seemed much that way in my life as well going from one trouble to another. But our life season finally changed.
Iam thankful for my home. Home is more about the atmosphere we create than where we actually live, but for me, where I live is part and parcel of home. This land we live on has deep emotional value to me. The happiest memories of my life took place on this property. For many years, I prayed for a home much like the one I now enjoy: solid, open, filled with light, with clear views of sunrise and sunsets.
I am thankful for my husband. I spent years dealing with tough situations on my own. To have someone standing by my side, cheering me on, bolstering me up when I weaken, encouraging me, caring for me, taking care of me...this is something I never want to take for granted.
I am deeply grateful for my faith. I can't name the number of times I've had to swallow back bitterness, disappointment and sorrow. Why do I hold it at bay? Because I've accepted the promise of the Bible that Faith is being sure of the things we hope for will manifest. I refuse to allow one ounce of unbelief to rob me of my future hope. I will stand strong.
And so I end this post. I will likely be back later this weekend with my December goals and inspirations.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Week 22, Day 6 Shaken, Not Stirred
I can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since I last wrote! Well that's probably more of how it will be from now until year's end, with the holidays, shopping, appointments, etc. closing in on upon us. And that's okay. I won't let my blogging be a stressor, when I consider it so beneficial. No need to make it an onus.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
When I last wrote, I'd had a day of fun amidst some hard work days. Well I was determined I'd have a repeat of that fun day. I think I'm really liking my 'new' schedule of one fun day, one day of rest and five days of work. Of course, fun days usually require some work as well.
So I began on my end of year review. I started by going over last year's goals and was surprised to find I'd actually done very well. I'd say I hit on 75% of my goals for 2009. I also saw that some goals are just mindless repeats. I'm not even beginning to think of them, or working towards them, or even mindful of them. I seemingly just repeat because I think I should do them. Other goals, which I expected to be very difficult were in fact accomplished but not always without divine intervention. Praise God, he's mindful of my desire to change and sometimes helps that along!
Typically I'd read through my journal to find finer points to address in my end of year review but honestly, I've said before, I've had enough of this past year, I don't feel I need to read all about it. So I stepped right into my review of two areas over the past two weeks. My spiritual life and my marriage. I attempted to begin a review of family goals but haven't completed that.
I did work out some goals for the coming year in the first two areas.
My pantry/freezer are officially FULL once more. I have plenty of food in the house at present. And thus far I am not over the 'holiday' budget I allowed myself at all. In fact, I have money left in that budget, and managed to pick up no less than 4 Christmas gifts within the amount spent. I haven't had any real time for shopping as of yet. I don't think that will happen until week 24 at this point but that's okay, too. Better to go alone than attempt to shop with others.
My energy has continued to be high. I've been careful to take real breaks from working to rest, but have also pushed myself fairly hard to get things done. I've very nearly completed all the Fall cleaning in the kitchen (one cupboard and wiping down three walls remains). I've done the odd job or two in other rooms that will eliminate the need to do so very much when I finally can work on those.
I've tried hard to be very relaxed about the Thanksgiving dinner with family. Mama has requested I bring two desserts, and supplied a recipe for one of those. I'm to bring Pumpkin Pie (which I've made for years and really don't need a recipe for, but Mama wants me to try this particular one she's found...I'll do as she asks, because it's just easier.). I'm also to bring Red Velvet Cupcakes. I was going to make the cake from scratch but needed two bottles of red food coloring at $1.99 each...while a Red Velvet Cake Mix was just $1. I opted for the cake mix. I learned long ago that using whole milk and a dash of vanilla and a spoonful or two of flour will change the texture/flavor of a cake mix to something closer to homemade. Besides, cake mixes seldom fail.
So slowly tackling goals for this month. And getting in fun time, as said. This past week my husband changed his schedule and location for practice. I dropped him off and went on to the library (and I'm happy to report that I read every page of four of the five books I'd checked out and started the fifth one after months of being in a dry spell). I selected about six more books this time and currently have three different ones going. I left the library and went to the antiques store and looked over the items in the next row of booths. That was fun and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I allotted myself there. I didn't have that 'treasure ahead' prickle though, so left the store empty handed.
One thing that has changed over the last two weeks, has been my attitude about our new direction spiritually. We've been visiting a synagogue and two churches fairly regularly for the past two months. One church has a fantastic music program and great sermons. But it's huge, as in HUGE. This particular church runs three services which means that you're pretty much run in and run out again. It's very impersonal, too.
The other church has a great music program, a dynamic vision oriented young pastor, is spirit filled, and more the size of what we're used to attending. But...we can't quite decide what we feel. And then there's synagogue, a Messianic Jewish temple, with a Rabbi and a very small congregation (under 10 most Saturdays).
I think the synagogue has required the most change from me of the three. For one thing, Sabbath is from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Service is held on Saturday. We've had to learn new habits, new ways of worshipping. Nothing strange but just different, and boy have my comfort levels been seriously busted! We have a special service here in our home each Friday evening that marks the beginning of Sabbath. There are many things we don't know yet, many things that are new to us, but with each I'm reminded that these are the ways of a faith that my Savior followed. There's a certain feeling of peace, of rightness, of finally feeling I'm properly aligned.
This has been a great surprise to me. I feel a great deal as though for many years, I've been a square peg desperately trying to get into the round hole. And feeling guilty over my not fitting as well. In the last two months, I've begun to experience a vast peace, a contentment, a rest in the Sabbath that I haven't had at any point in my life. At the moment, I'm attending only every other week, but I feel myself being drawn to attend each Saturday, to wonder about what I've missed in the previous week, to miss the other congregants. This is not where I'd pictured myself or what I thought I'd be doing. It isn't anything like what I thought I was praying for, but it is what I've been praying for all along.
I have a great deal to learn, I know this. But for now, this feels like coming home, and that wasn't what I thought I'd find when we began visiting this tiny synagogue.
This week we had an unexpected late afternoon of errands. Due to lack of room in my fridge and freezer we had to deliver smoked Boston Butts friends had bought from our daughter for a school fund raiser. Typically we're morning people when it comes to running errands and such, but this time it wasn't possible. We ended up eating supper out and had the fast food place we'd chosen all to ourselves, not another soul in the restaurant besides the staff. Our daughter was with us and we had the opportunity to have a deep hearted conversation. She'd made a comment the previous weekend that I'd related to her dad that had shown me her heart very clearly. And he, being wise, understood that indeed that comment had been a vision into her heart.
So we talked with her about what she wanted from her future, what was holding her back and where she'd truly like to see herself. There are some major changes ahead in her very near future and while we're all aware that she's young, we're also convinced she is doing the thing that is right for her. She isn't following the norm, she isn't listening to the detractors. When we questioned her, we couldn't argue with her sound reasoning. She's very certain of her course and we can only concede that she go ahead.
My Granny celebrated her 93rd birthday quietly last week. She's had good days and bad ones mentally and that seems to be the norm these days. She's still doing well physically. When I came back from the bus stop Friday morning, I stepped out of my car and stood stock still and listened to her whistling. I knew that she was working in her yard at the time. Granted it was a shorter spell of whistling than she used to do, but I couldn't help but feel shot through with nostalgia, realizing that this too was another moment I must grab up and hold tightly. How many more times will I hear her whistling as she works? And oddly enough, my youngest daughter has recently taken up the habit of whistling as she works on a project. I like that she is linked to her great grandmother by that little habit. I wonder if any of her own grandchildren will whistle as they work? I like those tangible evidences of generations past (or passing) in the newer generations.
All in all, it's been a good two weeks. Hopefully I'll finish out this month with all my goals accomplished. And perhaps I'll be able to get back here before two weeks are up.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 20/Day 5 Indulge Me
I worked hard all week long this week. I did some work in my shed, managed a Big Shop (and got that pantry and freezer nearly fully restocked (yes! I managed a goal already!), reorganized and inventoried the pantries. This girl put in some hard work this week...and she wanted time to play. I worked even harder yesterday preparing meals and prepping foodstuffs for the weekend just so I could have fun time.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
This morning I rode with my husband when he went to practice. My goal: visit the library, something I haven't done in months and months (I think last fall was the last time I had the opportunity to even think about going). On my way to the library, I decided to detour to visit a consignment shop...Only I never made it there because the big sign announcing the reopening of the Antique Mall captured my attention and off I went. This is a huge old warehouse, many tens of thousands of square feet set up into 8x6booths. I viewed only the first 20 or so. I looked and looked and regret not making one purchase and am pleased as punch that I did make another. My purchase was a book, and of course, the one I regret not making was another book!
I saw lots of lovely things. Had anyone asked me if I were looking for something specific I'd have answered "Yes" and had they then asked, "What?" I'd have had to reply honestly, "I don't know yet." I just felt in my bones that treasure awaited me. I can't explain it. I have this feeling every now and then and so I go off and hunt until I find my treasure. Today's find was a home ec textbook from 1935 with lovely color illustrations entitled The Mode in Dress and Home by Dulcie Donovan.
The first five chapters deal with appearance of the homemaker...and the last two are devoted to home and family. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy reading the book. There's a little of me that is certain I'll find it 'quaint' but all too often these older books have more wisdom than otherwise.
I went on to the library. I was pleasantly surprised, despite the slightly shabby appearance of the place. There were some nice volumes by older authors still on the shelves, unlike our own county libraries which have something against any book that isn't splashed with colorful bookjackets covered in glossy plastic. I found quite a few new and older books and did limit myself to just 5 which seemed more than suitable for a two week period of reading.
I then went to visit one of the dollar stores. The plan was to buy sunglasses for my husband. Our daughter had borrowed his the evening before and then hadn't put them back. I found some for him and then sort of walked around looking at nothing in particular. I am not a fan overall of the plaques that have sayings on them, but one I found today really spoke to me. "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase." I liked that a lot. Enough to buy it. I think it's going to go up in my entryway.
Now, I must share that as busy as I was this week, it was so worthwhile to have a little time to d things I like to do: looking at old and lovely things musing at their past lives, handling books by well loved authors and reading flyleafs of newer books simply because the title intrigued me or the author's name had a nice rhythm when spoken.
And it feels good to be back on track once more with my desire to live inspired. I can hardly wait to start on another of my monthly goals. Now I am off to begin work on the end of year review. And that ends this post.
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