Moods and Madness

I had a terrible time of it Sunday night. I went to bed about my usual time and had soon read myself to sleep...Nothing unusual in that. But then I awoke in the most whiney, foul mood. Husband wasn't abed as he should have been and I lay awake worrying that he'd fallen asleep on the couch, which always makes his back ache horribly next day. Finally I got up and discovered he was on the computer. Now mind you, he seldom gets a chance at the computer. He leaves it mostly to dd and myself and he might get it for 10 or 15 minutes.

Occasionally he has trouble sleeping. We'd had a storm Sunday evening, with lots of bad weather reports and a tornado touching down in our county...good enough reason for him to not be able to sleep. And he does like to write, has two blogs where he shares his own thoughts and does it very well. But finding him on the computer didn't set well with me. I knew I was being unreasonable and didn't say a word, just peeked into the room, saw he was typing and went off back to bed. But not to sleep. Not to sleep.

I sulked. I felt hurt and angry and upset. I knew I was being unreasonable and willed myself to go back to sleep but to no avail. I felt much as a two-year-old does, throwing a tantrum. You can plainly see the toddler is thoroughly disgusted with himself but can't seem to find the 'off' switch,lol. I was just that way. I prayed. I rocked. I reasoned. Finally, I turned on the light and read. Still no sleep. Four chapters later, I tossed the book, got up and stood in the kitchen doorway. "Come to bed."

Rightfully my husband pointed out he was typing, that he was in the middle of something, that he'd been careful to be quiet. I didn't care. "Come to bed." Oh, how I hate to feel as I did! Oh, how I wanted to just go to sleep and rest and let it go. I had no desire to argue but I did have the unreasonable desire to make him do as I wanted him to do. I wanted him to come to bed to soothe me back to sleepiness. I wanted him to put his arms around me and rock me a little until I felt warm and drowsy and peaceful once more. But I didn't tell him these things. Instead, I commanded.

Thankfully, we agreed long long ago that nighttime is no time for arguments. I went back to bed, he finished his posting, and all should have been well. But it wasn't. I continued to be irrationally hurt and moody. He was feeling less than happy, as well. We did cuddle but sleep was elusive. I watched the clock tick away 2 am before going off to sleep once more. There's nothing worse for a bad mood than knowing you've been petty and unreasonable. That low mood sinks you right into the depths of self-loathing.

Early yesterday morning we arose. My bad night lingered, not at all dispelled by the incredibly blue sky or bright sunshine. I slipped away with my cup of coffee to a quiet spot, in an attempt to improve my outlook. My late father-in-law used to say, "Everything looks better in the morning." Certainly, the sky was clear and bright. Why not my mood? What crack had the darkness found in my armor?

The day before as we sang an old hymn, one line stood out "He made all the darkness depart." As my partner sang the line, she made a 'poof' motion. Suddenly I felt shivery. I'd never before thought of God dispelling the darkness in a 'poof'. I'd always thought of it as a slowly decreasing darkness, much as a sunrise. I liked the imagery of a sudden disappearance of darkness. I wanted the same kind of lightened outlook, a 'poof' moment to dispel my ill mood.

It wasn't that easy. It was a gradual lightening that came as we pushed through the housework. It's not woman's work alone in our household, though I am a stay-at-home wife. I watched as this man of mine, the same one whom I felt had mis-used me the night before, vacuumed, and washed clothes and hung laundry to dry and made the beds, while I swept and polished and straightened. I looked around with real satisfaction an hour later. I thanked him sincerely and prettily. And then my dark mood was gone.

I realized my mood had less to do with what I was being given and more to do with what I was willing to give. I'd been ungrateful, looking at what I didn't have for a moment instead of what I have for a lifetime. All I needed was a new perspective.