If you are/were a fan of the band The Eagles you might well recognize that title. I fell in love with that song in my teens and it stuck with me though I had little knowledge of what the song truly meant then. Now, as a grown woman who has been married twice, the impact of the song is even harder. Experience brought meaning.
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Looking Ahead: New Year New Outlook
I always find myself a bit obsessed with the change of year. The ability to start afresh and renew myself is fascinating. And this year, I most certainly feel the need of a fresh start in many ways.
This year just past has really pointed out many weaknesses. I am prone to think of myself as old. Where exactly did this notion creep in? The truth is that my children tease us often about being old, but it isn't they who make me feel old. I think it's crept in in a variety of ways.
For one thing the physicality of myself has changed. I'm actually in less pain than I have been in years...but there are hitches and catches in my bone makeup now that sometimes cause me to gimp about a bit. I think this is related to the limited mobility I've had in the past twenty years. It's hard not to feel old when one walks with a limp or stiffness in a joint.
The other thing is the sheer weight of weariness that overwhelms me occasionally, though that too is vastly improved. I'm learning to take the time to rest especially when I've had a broken night of sleep.
What else makes me feel old? Words spoken over me in prayer by my husband often focuses on my occasional tiredness and pain as an 'always' thing too often...Yes, it is hard to remember how much better I am when the focus continues to be on the negative no matter how lightened I feel in that area. I'm learning as these words are spoken to say silently "Thank you God, I don't hurt so very much anymore. Thank you Lord for lifting that spirit of tiredness off me." I must learn to guard my own words and not always voice my aches and pains and tiredness.
Graying hair...More and more to cover with the Miss Clairol these days, lol. A bit of added weight which causes me to sag and bag a bit more. Seeing Granny so old...Now it may sound odd that Granny's giving way to old age has affected me so but it has. We were well matched in vitality until the past two years and seeing her grown so frail and shrinking so in size and stature has helped change my own image of myself.
My decreased level of adventurousness, the ability to see dangers where before I wouldn't have considered the 'bad' things so much (identity theft, fear of traveling alone, unwillingness to trust car away from home, etc). That makes me feel old, too.
Changing roles: I'm no longer actively parenting...and while I am not terribly bereaved over that loss, I am still trying to find my way a bit. Perhaps if the grandchildren were nearby and I had more hands on dealings with them I wouldn't feel so at odds. Youth requires a youthful heart in those nearest them...
So yesterday as I was piddling about here in the house following a Christmas holiday that hadn't at all gone as planned, just as Thanksgiving had all been blown to bits as well, lol) I was thinking about how OLD I am now and how my expectations have changed and how my outlook and focus has changed and I was feeling a bit blue, a bit depressed even. Then I was brought up short by fact. I am ONLY 51 going on 52.
I have before me 20,30, 35 or more good vital years. Heck there are more people living to ages beyond 100. Genetically speaking I've had far more relatives live into the mid to late 90's than the average. I'm not afraid of dying mind you, and certainly not of dying of old age. After all that only means that I step from this life into an eternal life, so no fear there. No, it's not fear. It's just I needed to adjust my thinking. Granny was vitally present in her own life both physically and mentally until 2 years ago. WHY am I giving up 40 years earlier?!
So what I really need is a chiropractor of the mind, someone to adjust my thinking and get all the cricks out of the processes. I can only try to do this myself as I am not really feeling the need of deep psychological help, just a bit of jolting.
To that end, this year I resolve to:
Move my body. Stretch, bend, walk with my sight set on some restoration of flexibility and suppleness. Pilates and simple exercises, nothing terribly strenuous.
Eat healthily. It may sound odd but I have a tendency to eschew fat (I blame it on the day and age I grew up in) and so I want to introduce healthy fat into my life and eliminate some of the sugar, processed food items etc. from my eating. I'd like to eat two servings raw fruit and veg daily. Get back on task with my vitamin/mineral therapy which has helped tremendously in how I feel and continue to do research and add supplements. I'm not talking diet per se, but I would like to lose 10% of my current body weight.
Be more adventuresome. Gracious goodness there's a whole world out there to see, explore, review and there's a world within reach via daily car trips. I need to stretch my adventure spirit as well as my body.
Be creative once more. All the growing up years my children distracted me from my pursuits. It wasn't unfortunate but it did make being creative a real challenge. I have the ability to create a small space all my own. I plan to renew my love of art by drawing, sewing, writing, creating. I want to have an ongoing project or six.
Learn, learn, learn. This past year I had to learn to do two or three things that really pushed me to use my head. I used to pursue an annual study of some subject or another, just for the sheer joy of learning. So why not do this once more? A new skill, a new subject, a new pursuit...
Be less rigid. Open my mind a little wider, my heart a little wider, let go of my fear of spontaneity and free myself from planning endlessly. Stretch my mind as I stretch my body. Rigidity is really a fear of sorts and I am so over fearful living.
And so, there you have it, my own desire to face the new year with a different attitude and approach to life.
This year just past has really pointed out many weaknesses. I am prone to think of myself as old. Where exactly did this notion creep in? The truth is that my children tease us often about being old, but it isn't they who make me feel old. I think it's crept in in a variety of ways.
For one thing the physicality of myself has changed. I'm actually in less pain than I have been in years...but there are hitches and catches in my bone makeup now that sometimes cause me to gimp about a bit. I think this is related to the limited mobility I've had in the past twenty years. It's hard not to feel old when one walks with a limp or stiffness in a joint.
The other thing is the sheer weight of weariness that overwhelms me occasionally, though that too is vastly improved. I'm learning to take the time to rest especially when I've had a broken night of sleep.
What else makes me feel old? Words spoken over me in prayer by my husband often focuses on my occasional tiredness and pain as an 'always' thing too often...Yes, it is hard to remember how much better I am when the focus continues to be on the negative no matter how lightened I feel in that area. I'm learning as these words are spoken to say silently "Thank you God, I don't hurt so very much anymore. Thank you Lord for lifting that spirit of tiredness off me." I must learn to guard my own words and not always voice my aches and pains and tiredness.
Graying hair...More and more to cover with the Miss Clairol these days, lol. A bit of added weight which causes me to sag and bag a bit more. Seeing Granny so old...Now it may sound odd that Granny's giving way to old age has affected me so but it has. We were well matched in vitality until the past two years and seeing her grown so frail and shrinking so in size and stature has helped change my own image of myself.
My decreased level of adventurousness, the ability to see dangers where before I wouldn't have considered the 'bad' things so much (identity theft, fear of traveling alone, unwillingness to trust car away from home, etc). That makes me feel old, too.
Changing roles: I'm no longer actively parenting...and while I am not terribly bereaved over that loss, I am still trying to find my way a bit. Perhaps if the grandchildren were nearby and I had more hands on dealings with them I wouldn't feel so at odds. Youth requires a youthful heart in those nearest them...
So yesterday as I was piddling about here in the house following a Christmas holiday that hadn't at all gone as planned, just as Thanksgiving had all been blown to bits as well, lol) I was thinking about how OLD I am now and how my expectations have changed and how my outlook and focus has changed and I was feeling a bit blue, a bit depressed even. Then I was brought up short by fact. I am ONLY 51 going on 52.
I have before me 20,30, 35 or more good vital years. Heck there are more people living to ages beyond 100. Genetically speaking I've had far more relatives live into the mid to late 90's than the average. I'm not afraid of dying mind you, and certainly not of dying of old age. After all that only means that I step from this life into an eternal life, so no fear there. No, it's not fear. It's just I needed to adjust my thinking. Granny was vitally present in her own life both physically and mentally until 2 years ago. WHY am I giving up 40 years earlier?!
So what I really need is a chiropractor of the mind, someone to adjust my thinking and get all the cricks out of the processes. I can only try to do this myself as I am not really feeling the need of deep psychological help, just a bit of jolting.
To that end, this year I resolve to:
Move my body. Stretch, bend, walk with my sight set on some restoration of flexibility and suppleness. Pilates and simple exercises, nothing terribly strenuous.
Eat healthily. It may sound odd but I have a tendency to eschew fat (I blame it on the day and age I grew up in) and so I want to introduce healthy fat into my life and eliminate some of the sugar, processed food items etc. from my eating. I'd like to eat two servings raw fruit and veg daily. Get back on task with my vitamin/mineral therapy which has helped tremendously in how I feel and continue to do research and add supplements. I'm not talking diet per se, but I would like to lose 10% of my current body weight.
Be more adventuresome. Gracious goodness there's a whole world out there to see, explore, review and there's a world within reach via daily car trips. I need to stretch my adventure spirit as well as my body.
Be creative once more. All the growing up years my children distracted me from my pursuits. It wasn't unfortunate but it did make being creative a real challenge. I have the ability to create a small space all my own. I plan to renew my love of art by drawing, sewing, writing, creating. I want to have an ongoing project or six.
Learn, learn, learn. This past year I had to learn to do two or three things that really pushed me to use my head. I used to pursue an annual study of some subject or another, just for the sheer joy of learning. So why not do this once more? A new skill, a new subject, a new pursuit...
Be less rigid. Open my mind a little wider, my heart a little wider, let go of my fear of spontaneity and free myself from planning endlessly. Stretch my mind as I stretch my body. Rigidity is really a fear of sorts and I am so over fearful living.
And so, there you have it, my own desire to face the new year with a different attitude and approach to life.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Coming Full Circle
Several years ago, the older of my two younger brothers committed suicide. This left my family reeling. It also deeply affected the lives of a young couple who had been close friends with him. We all came together in grieving during that time and eventually my immediate family and I began to attend church with the couple in a nearby town.
One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.
We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.
It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.
We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.
We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.
And how like God to bring us full circle...
One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.
We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.
It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.
We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.
We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.
And how like God to bring us full circle...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Identity Crisis: Growing through Subtraction
Sometimes we reach a place in our faith walk where we feel very comfortable. Self assured. Smug, perhaps. I was pretty sure I knew God intimately, but just in case, you know, for the sake of appearances, I'd pray and ask Him to let me know Him more intimately...
The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.
I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.
God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.
I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.
Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.
I want to know you more intimately, Lord....
When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me? I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her. I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home. But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.
Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?
Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.
My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.
We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.
Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head. It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed. I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.
I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful. That was my theory anyway.
Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.
And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.
Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.
The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.
I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.
God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.
I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.
Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.
I want to know you more intimately, Lord....
When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me? I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her. I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home. But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.
Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?
Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.
My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.
We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.
Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head. It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed. I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.
I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful. That was my theory anyway.
Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.
And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.
Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Six Months Later...
I just read my last post about turning things over to G-d and allowing Him to take care of things. Hindsight: Everything then worked out just fine. It just took a bit of time to sort out. Not my time, but G-d time. And I need to remember that right now, too.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Avoidance, Tears and Goals
I've been involved in a game of late that has become my own personal little hideaway. As a former compulsive eater, I've found new ways to cope with life's worries and woes and have replaced one obsession with another. Instead of food, I shelter in games. My current favorite is an online game that limits me to 5 1/2 mins of play time. That's not to say I only play the game for 5 1/2 mins but that each game only lasts that long. Typically I play between 3 and 6 games and then I go do something else. Occasionally this means I may play for an hour or two, but I try to reserve those times for end of day when my duties have been completed.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Week 40 Day 1 - Drifting Along
It's been an odd sort of month. I was explaining my feelings to my husband this morning as we drove over to a friend's home. I told him how I'd felt that his music ministry was to be our ministry and had discovered this month that indeed it is his ministry and not mine at all. In fact, if I were anything at all in the music end of things I should be a distraction from his purpose. I really really miss singing. In fact, I've even felt some grief over our last church where I did sing with the praise team (and very much enjoyed it). However it is plain to me that singing with my husband is not where my Lord and God wants me at this moment in time.
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
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