It's been an odd sort of month. I was explaining my feelings to my husband this morning as we drove over to a friend's home. I told him how I'd felt that his music ministry was to be our ministry and had discovered this month that indeed it is his ministry and not mine at all. In fact, if I were anything at all in the music end of things I should be a distraction from his purpose. I really really miss singing. In fact, I've even felt some grief over our last church where I did sing with the praise team (and very much enjoyed it). However it is plain to me that singing with my husband is not where my Lord and God wants me at this moment in time.
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
No comments:
Post a Comment