Sometimes we reach a place in our faith walk where we feel very comfortable. Self assured. Smug, perhaps. I was pretty sure I knew God intimately, but just in case, you know, for the sake of appearances, I'd pray and ask Him to let me know Him more intimately...
The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.
I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.
God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.
I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.
Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.
I want to know you more intimately, Lord....
When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me? I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her. I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home. But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.
Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?
Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.
My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.
We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.
Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head. It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed. I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.
I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful. That was my theory anyway.
Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.
And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.
Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Six Months Later...
I just read my last post about turning things over to G-d and allowing Him to take care of things. Hindsight: Everything then worked out just fine. It just took a bit of time to sort out. Not my time, but G-d time. And I need to remember that right now, too.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.
I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.
John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.
When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.
I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.
Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?
I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.
Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Avoidance, Tears and Goals
I've been involved in a game of late that has become my own personal little hideaway. As a former compulsive eater, I've found new ways to cope with life's worries and woes and have replaced one obsession with another. Instead of food, I shelter in games. My current favorite is an online game that limits me to 5 1/2 mins of play time. That's not to say I only play the game for 5 1/2 mins but that each game only lasts that long. Typically I play between 3 and 6 games and then I go do something else. Occasionally this means I may play for an hour or two, but I try to reserve those times for end of day when my duties have been completed.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.
Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.
Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.
Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.
And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.
#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.
#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.
#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.
#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.
#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.
#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.
#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.
#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.
#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.
I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Week 40 Day 1 - Drifting Along
It's been an odd sort of month. I was explaining my feelings to my husband this morning as we drove over to a friend's home. I told him how I'd felt that his music ministry was to be our ministry and had discovered this month that indeed it is his ministry and not mine at all. In fact, if I were anything at all in the music end of things I should be a distraction from his purpose. I really really miss singing. In fact, I've even felt some grief over our last church where I did sing with the praise team (and very much enjoyed it). However it is plain to me that singing with my husband is not where my Lord and God wants me at this moment in time.
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.
Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.
Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.
Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.
Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.
I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.
I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.
I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.
I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).
And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.
I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.
I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Week 36 Day 1 - Inspired to DO
Hello there. I know I've been a long while between posts this go round and I do apologize. You see, I've been busy. Instead of just looking for inspiration I've been busy DO-ing inspiration. And this week I want to look forward to March and the inspirations that I can dream and live all over again.
I managed several goals from last month. I put money into savings...and turned and took it out again to cover two unexpected bills. Sigh. I guess I'm glad I had it to save in the first place, but it does seem a bit pointless when it must come right back out, lol.
I finished the seat cushion I'd put off finishing on the reupholstered chair because I was afraid it was going to be tough. And it was kind of hard at points. I had to lay it down and go away and think about it and come back to it. I didn't have the zipper needed, and I haven't made the time to get to the fabric store to buy one. But I do have it on the cushion and overall it looks very well.
My husband wanted to give a going away dinner for a young friend who was headed to bootcamp. For the past year I've been campaigning to move my dining table into the proper dining room, but my husband had been very resistant. However, the dinner party, small as it was to be, was the final shove in my battle. Unexpectedly, we were to add two more guests. I'd had quite enough of cramming eight grown adults around my dining table which was squeezed into the breakfast area. Even my husband saw that to continue to do so was silliness.
So the dining table got moved to the dining room. To have enough room for all our guests around the table was wonderful. And the table was fully extended with both leaves in place as well. My daughter quickly took charge of hanging my beautiful rooster pictures in the area.
I learned this month also to do power point slides, and to operate both the scan and copy features of my printer. All of that might sound simple enough, but honestly I was unable to figure this printer out. We've had it for well over a year and just to get the persnickety thing to print when asked is difficult enough. This month I managed to conquer the printer. As for the power point slides, I was asked to learn how to do these so that I might help with the music program at church. I was nervous about this, but I found it wasn't nearly so difficult as I feared. Frankly I felt very proud of myself for learning these new skills and for finally accomplishing two major projects in my home.
My 'play date' went very well. I was very nervous. Worried my needlessly about my acquaintance not understanding my physical limitations nor my silly little anxieties. However, she has a chronic illness and understood very well indeed. I had the pleasure of being taken through some beautiful country highways I've never before been on. Lovely old federal farmhouses abounded. I ended up completely enjoying the day.
I took advantage of a buy one get one free offer on Vitamin/Mineral products and got Vitamin D. I've been reading for several months now about the benefits of Vitamin D, when taken in doses as high as 2000mg per day. More and more reports show that it is a common factor in fatigue and pain in women, who seem to be the most deficient in this necessary vitamin. I have found that in just the few weeks I've been taking this supplement I am more energetic and feeling less brain fog than in many months past.
Goals for the coming month of March:
Of course, I want to put money into savings again. I cannot shake the feeling that for all the assurances our economy is improving that I should be taking every single opportunity to save. I've also determined to stick hard to my grocery budget of $450for the month. Last month I managed to save $30, coming in at $420.
I've gotten really bogged down in Exodus and Leviticus this month. I managed to finish both books, but I am not inline with the daily reading schedule at all. I will perservere. I have yet to begin the Names of G-d study I'd intended to do this year. I would like to begin that study this month, but I am finding all Old Testament a bit dry. I need to add Psalms or New Testament to it I think, if I don't begin the study I plan.
We've guests coming in the first part of this month to spend a week. I've been a little anxious about this visit, but in a good way. We will be meeting our youngest grandson for the first time. We're very much looking forward to this time. In fact, this visit is part of the reason why our savings is nonexistent this month. We bought a bed for the baby and an air mattress for his parents. I've borrowed a high chair, bought baby food, picked up baby blankets. I am prayerful the visit will be blessed.
I plan to buy St. Johns Wort which is supposed to help with anxiety, nervousness and help promote a good night of sleep as well. I wake frequently each night and sometimes have trouble falling asleep. I thought I'd try this supplement for a month or two, since the Vitamin D has appeared to be so very beneficial.
I'd like to tackle another UFO project: painting the unpainted cabinet in my bathroom.
I am currently searching the back issues of my Victoria magazines for inspiration. I will report on those inspirations a little later in the week.
I managed several goals from last month. I put money into savings...and turned and took it out again to cover two unexpected bills. Sigh. I guess I'm glad I had it to save in the first place, but it does seem a bit pointless when it must come right back out, lol.
I finished the seat cushion I'd put off finishing on the reupholstered chair because I was afraid it was going to be tough. And it was kind of hard at points. I had to lay it down and go away and think about it and come back to it. I didn't have the zipper needed, and I haven't made the time to get to the fabric store to buy one. But I do have it on the cushion and overall it looks very well.
My husband wanted to give a going away dinner for a young friend who was headed to bootcamp. For the past year I've been campaigning to move my dining table into the proper dining room, but my husband had been very resistant. However, the dinner party, small as it was to be, was the final shove in my battle. Unexpectedly, we were to add two more guests. I'd had quite enough of cramming eight grown adults around my dining table which was squeezed into the breakfast area. Even my husband saw that to continue to do so was silliness.
So the dining table got moved to the dining room. To have enough room for all our guests around the table was wonderful. And the table was fully extended with both leaves in place as well. My daughter quickly took charge of hanging my beautiful rooster pictures in the area.
I learned this month also to do power point slides, and to operate both the scan and copy features of my printer. All of that might sound simple enough, but honestly I was unable to figure this printer out. We've had it for well over a year and just to get the persnickety thing to print when asked is difficult enough. This month I managed to conquer the printer. As for the power point slides, I was asked to learn how to do these so that I might help with the music program at church. I was nervous about this, but I found it wasn't nearly so difficult as I feared. Frankly I felt very proud of myself for learning these new skills and for finally accomplishing two major projects in my home.
My 'play date' went very well. I was very nervous. Worried my needlessly about my acquaintance not understanding my physical limitations nor my silly little anxieties. However, she has a chronic illness and understood very well indeed. I had the pleasure of being taken through some beautiful country highways I've never before been on. Lovely old federal farmhouses abounded. I ended up completely enjoying the day.
I took advantage of a buy one get one free offer on Vitamin/Mineral products and got Vitamin D. I've been reading for several months now about the benefits of Vitamin D, when taken in doses as high as 2000mg per day. More and more reports show that it is a common factor in fatigue and pain in women, who seem to be the most deficient in this necessary vitamin. I have found that in just the few weeks I've been taking this supplement I am more energetic and feeling less brain fog than in many months past.
Goals for the coming month of March:
Of course, I want to put money into savings again. I cannot shake the feeling that for all the assurances our economy is improving that I should be taking every single opportunity to save. I've also determined to stick hard to my grocery budget of $450for the month. Last month I managed to save $30, coming in at $420.
I've gotten really bogged down in Exodus and Leviticus this month. I managed to finish both books, but I am not inline with the daily reading schedule at all. I will perservere. I have yet to begin the Names of G-d study I'd intended to do this year. I would like to begin that study this month, but I am finding all Old Testament a bit dry. I need to add Psalms or New Testament to it I think, if I don't begin the study I plan.
We've guests coming in the first part of this month to spend a week. I've been a little anxious about this visit, but in a good way. We will be meeting our youngest grandson for the first time. We're very much looking forward to this time. In fact, this visit is part of the reason why our savings is nonexistent this month. We bought a bed for the baby and an air mattress for his parents. I've borrowed a high chair, bought baby food, picked up baby blankets. I am prayerful the visit will be blessed.
I plan to buy St. Johns Wort which is supposed to help with anxiety, nervousness and help promote a good night of sleep as well. I wake frequently each night and sometimes have trouble falling asleep. I thought I'd try this supplement for a month or two, since the Vitamin D has appeared to be so very beneficial.
I'd like to tackle another UFO project: painting the unpainted cabinet in my bathroom.
I am currently searching the back issues of my Victoria magazines for inspiration. I will report on those inspirations a little later in the week.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Inspirations Gained
I promised last night to share the results of my search for inspiration. A motley assortment to be sure, but that's the way inspiration strikes me. No rhyme nor reason to it.
I used Victoria magazines, all February issues, for this search for inspiration. I have to tell you, I really enjoy the older issues, as predictable as they were. I mean, we KNEW every February it was going to be about roses...however, I found the later issues really offputting when they began putting prices on all the pages. At the time, I was having a hard time financially...To see how high the prices were on the items was really difficult for me. I felt I could never afford those items. Even now, when we're out of debt these items are still, for the most part, out of my reach. However, inspiration knows no price. And sometimes it isn't the cost of an item, it's achieving the same look for next to nothing.
Case in point: a lovely cool green-blue dining room with a beautiful crystal chandelier. The table was the show. It was covered with a simple white cloth, simple white ironstone dishes and deep emerald green crystal glasses. The centerpiece is what is so breathtaking. Two large savoy cabbages, a white ironstone platter with three cantaloupes and two purple plums(?) brown figs(?). Wow! Inspiration born and you know what? I CAN afford this! I have white damask cloth and napkins, deep green glasses (not crystal but mine will work), ironstone plates. I'm inspired to look more closely at the produce in my kitchen. And in the grocery store.
Now honestly, to me, this table has more to do with a summer look than a winter one. However, sometimes it's not a matter of looking only for inspiration for the current season. Sometimes we have to look ahead. Here's another inspiration for summer: Bare floors (this is the only time I regret having carpet), lace curtains, muslin slipcovers. Lace...It's such a feminine fabric isn't it? And for some reason, dotted Swiss came to mind. I'd love to have dotted Swiss at a window, too. Do they even make dotted Swiss any longer?
So that's two inspirations. Here are a few more thoughts/inspirations I got while looking through these wonderful magazines. I won't bore you with every one I came up with (36,by the way) but just try to give you a cross section of the ideas that floated through.
February issues/Valentines: It's a gimme on that too. I had several ideas of things I'd like to do to for my family and friends. Some involved handmade items, some store bought. I often have paper doilies on hand this time of year to use in handmade Valentines or to display treats. Here's an idea I haven't had: Cut out the center of a doily and use the 'lace' to mat a photo or picture...
Food ideas: Lemon/raspberry fillings in a white cake with lemon frosting
Jellies and jams: Apple rosemary, apple cider marmalade, ginger pear butter...would love to make my own 'speciality' jams and jellies. Why not pair apple cider, apple slices and chicken? Tangerine filling in coconut cake. Tangerine syrup over pecan pancakes...
Authors to check out: Susan Minot, Rumer Godden (A House with Four Rooms), Rita Dove (The House that Jill Built), poet Marianne Moore. Was Emma Balfour's civil war diary published?
Artist/Designers to look up: Henri Le Sidaner, Childe Hassan. Claire Murray online? Rose Cumming room designs, old photos online?
Flowers: White roses in grey/taupe vase. White roses in milk glass. Bright primroses planted in pretty china cups (cracked will do fine for this)
Garden plants: Are cyclamens hardy to Zone 8? Snowdrop bulbs. Best for naturalization: Galanthus Nivalus, look for 'Barbara's Double' as well.
Tablesetting: Wintertime Cozy: Tapestry/Challis cloth, warm colored china rimmed in gold, Red pears and nuts in a rusty iron looking bowl (I have something similar I just took out to the shed), horn handled flatware (saw some at the antique store the other day very reasonable)...
And that is how I get inspired. What about you?
I used Victoria magazines, all February issues, for this search for inspiration. I have to tell you, I really enjoy the older issues, as predictable as they were. I mean, we KNEW every February it was going to be about roses...however, I found the later issues really offputting when they began putting prices on all the pages. At the time, I was having a hard time financially...To see how high the prices were on the items was really difficult for me. I felt I could never afford those items. Even now, when we're out of debt these items are still, for the most part, out of my reach. However, inspiration knows no price. And sometimes it isn't the cost of an item, it's achieving the same look for next to nothing.
Case in point: a lovely cool green-blue dining room with a beautiful crystal chandelier. The table was the show. It was covered with a simple white cloth, simple white ironstone dishes and deep emerald green crystal glasses. The centerpiece is what is so breathtaking. Two large savoy cabbages, a white ironstone platter with three cantaloupes and two purple plums(?) brown figs(?). Wow! Inspiration born and you know what? I CAN afford this! I have white damask cloth and napkins, deep green glasses (not crystal but mine will work), ironstone plates. I'm inspired to look more closely at the produce in my kitchen. And in the grocery store.
Now honestly, to me, this table has more to do with a summer look than a winter one. However, sometimes it's not a matter of looking only for inspiration for the current season. Sometimes we have to look ahead. Here's another inspiration for summer: Bare floors (this is the only time I regret having carpet), lace curtains, muslin slipcovers. Lace...It's such a feminine fabric isn't it? And for some reason, dotted Swiss came to mind. I'd love to have dotted Swiss at a window, too. Do they even make dotted Swiss any longer?
So that's two inspirations. Here are a few more thoughts/inspirations I got while looking through these wonderful magazines. I won't bore you with every one I came up with (36,by the way) but just try to give you a cross section of the ideas that floated through.
February issues/Valentines: It's a gimme on that too. I had several ideas of things I'd like to do to for my family and friends. Some involved handmade items, some store bought. I often have paper doilies on hand this time of year to use in handmade Valentines or to display treats. Here's an idea I haven't had: Cut out the center of a doily and use the 'lace' to mat a photo or picture...
Food ideas: Lemon/raspberry fillings in a white cake with lemon frosting
Jellies and jams: Apple rosemary, apple cider marmalade, ginger pear butter...would love to make my own 'speciality' jams and jellies. Why not pair apple cider, apple slices and chicken? Tangerine filling in coconut cake. Tangerine syrup over pecan pancakes...
Authors to check out: Susan Minot, Rumer Godden (A House with Four Rooms), Rita Dove (The House that Jill Built), poet Marianne Moore. Was Emma Balfour's civil war diary published?
Artist/Designers to look up: Henri Le Sidaner, Childe Hassan. Claire Murray online? Rose Cumming room designs, old photos online?
Flowers: White roses in grey/taupe vase. White roses in milk glass. Bright primroses planted in pretty china cups (cracked will do fine for this)
Garden plants: Are cyclamens hardy to Zone 8? Snowdrop bulbs. Best for naturalization: Galanthus Nivalus, look for 'Barbara's Double' as well.
Tablesetting: Wintertime Cozy: Tapestry/Challis cloth, warm colored china rimmed in gold, Red pears and nuts in a rusty iron looking bowl (I have something similar I just took out to the shed), horn handled flatware (saw some at the antique store the other day very reasonable)...
And that is how I get inspired. What about you?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Week 33/Day 7 A New Year of Sorts
Today I turned 51. I've had a very easy day of it, truly I have. It's suited me perfectly to rest and read. What am I reading? I am stuck on reading a blog from first post to the most recent. I am enthralled in the life of a girl who has more opportunities and heartaches than the average soul. I am caught up in the drama and trauma of a life not mine. Mind you I am not jealous. I know just why she blogs. I know why I blog. I am almost certain the reasons are the same. Her blog is wildly popular and why not? Her life is like the best/worst of things, a sort of Truman reality show that fascinates.
So why do I blog? Penny Ann was my writing exercise, my opportunity to hone the craft of writing and at the same time to be both a mentor to myself and to others who might not have the same knowledge of frugal homemaking that I've had. Blogging there kept me accountable, put me on my toes frugally speaking.
Blogging here is more about who I am aside from the part of me that is most definitely Penny Ann. The point was to be 'real'. What I've discovered is that in the blogging world, even with few readers, it's best to keep a certain amount of our lives private. The same thing that is true of spoken words is true of the written word. Say what you like, words can hurt and wound and do damage. Even if the forum in which you use them allows you to return and edit out the hurtful things, damage can still be done. I've found that I can't be as real as I'd like. There are things I'd like to say, thoughts I'd like to write out, but simply can't. There are things best left to journals. Secrets best not told anywhere except in confessions between God and I.
There are things I've shared that I sometimes wish I hadn't. I come across whiny and complaining and sounding petty. There are relationships I've written about that I feel disloyal for sharing and yet I share anyway, because I know that it's unlikely anyone in my family will read or report and others that I'd like to write out my angst about but don't dare and I am a little angry that I am imprisoned.
Writing is my solace, my way of letting off steam. I formerly used a journal. And now I think I'll return to that form of writing because frankly blogging isn't sufficient.
I didn't keep a journal until I was 13 years old. I began my journal and writing poetry at the same time. Writing saved me, it truly did. But I was hindered. You see, my parents thought absolutely nothing of invading my privacy and reading my journal. Fine, I understand that parents might do so in order to try and figure out what is going in their child's life, especially at that stage when you're a pre-teen and beginning to separate yourself from childhood. The trouble was that my parents quoted back whole passages of my journal at the dinner table, often in front of guests and harangued me about opinions, thoughts and dreams they thought were rebellious, undesirable or which misrepresented themselves in some way. I learned to get very clever about writing my real thoughts out in poems they couldn't interpret nor comprehend. And I learned to hide my journal in largely inacessible places that took some doing to get into.
When I married I was relieved to finally have my thoughts to myself, or so I thought. It didn't take long to discover that my husband was of my parents ilk. Quoting lines back to me at the dinner table no less. Accusing me of myriad things that he'd determined based on his own thougth processes and interpretation of what I wrote. Back to hiding for me.
It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally felt I could write in complete freedom. By this time however, my life was a shambles. Writing was too painful. Cursory entries only were made. And then I met the love of my life. Too tired from love and baby and children and job to write. I realized that I didn't quite trust this man to allow me the freedom to journal, to have private thoughts.
It took a little while to allow the full flow of my hurts/angers/distrust/resentments/angsts to flow onto the page. It was sooooo cathartic. Sometimes the pages got ugly ugly. Sometimes the pain was so great that I was too horrified by the rawness to read it. My husband proved trustworthy. My private thoughts remained private and secret, but I eventually found it necessary to destroy several years of those journals. There was too much pain, too much hurt and I was too ready to be over it all and move on with my life.
And then there came newsletters and blogs and I finally got a little tired of writing, so that I seldom broke out the journal at all. My current journal might see an entry once a month or six weeks.
This week, reading the messiness of the blogger's life that I've found so enthralling, I've missed my journaling. I've missed the opportunity to be naked on the page, letting it all hang out, reporting the things that thrilled me beyond words, that hurt me beyond measure, thoughts that might be unworthy but which floated through my brain. Sloughing off of little resentments and big. I've missed the opportunity to be myself.
So why did I begin writing here in the first place? Because I wanted pretty much what we all want. I wanted to find out if others felt they way I sometimes do. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in this world, as a frustrated writer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a woman with sometimes difficult personal relationships, as a dreamer. And you know what? I'm not. There are so many of us out here that it's important to acknowledge we are there for one another. But it's not enough at the same time.
All that to say this. I miss journaling. It's a more personal forum than blogging. And I need it. I need to write poetry once more. I need to return to my writing roots once again. I am not giving up blogging. Not here nor at Penny Ann. I am still inspired. This is just a further inspiration and one that I needed to figure out, which is what happened today on my way through a fellow blogger's ups and downs.
I did get my closet cleared out and organized. Step 2 is figuring out how to make it pretty as well as functional.
If I can get time tomorrow I'll share some of the things that are inspiring me this month, courtesy a stack of old Victoria magazines.
So why do I blog? Penny Ann was my writing exercise, my opportunity to hone the craft of writing and at the same time to be both a mentor to myself and to others who might not have the same knowledge of frugal homemaking that I've had. Blogging there kept me accountable, put me on my toes frugally speaking.
Blogging here is more about who I am aside from the part of me that is most definitely Penny Ann. The point was to be 'real'. What I've discovered is that in the blogging world, even with few readers, it's best to keep a certain amount of our lives private. The same thing that is true of spoken words is true of the written word. Say what you like, words can hurt and wound and do damage. Even if the forum in which you use them allows you to return and edit out the hurtful things, damage can still be done. I've found that I can't be as real as I'd like. There are things I'd like to say, thoughts I'd like to write out, but simply can't. There are things best left to journals. Secrets best not told anywhere except in confessions between God and I.
There are things I've shared that I sometimes wish I hadn't. I come across whiny and complaining and sounding petty. There are relationships I've written about that I feel disloyal for sharing and yet I share anyway, because I know that it's unlikely anyone in my family will read or report and others that I'd like to write out my angst about but don't dare and I am a little angry that I am imprisoned.
Writing is my solace, my way of letting off steam. I formerly used a journal. And now I think I'll return to that form of writing because frankly blogging isn't sufficient.
I didn't keep a journal until I was 13 years old. I began my journal and writing poetry at the same time. Writing saved me, it truly did. But I was hindered. You see, my parents thought absolutely nothing of invading my privacy and reading my journal. Fine, I understand that parents might do so in order to try and figure out what is going in their child's life, especially at that stage when you're a pre-teen and beginning to separate yourself from childhood. The trouble was that my parents quoted back whole passages of my journal at the dinner table, often in front of guests and harangued me about opinions, thoughts and dreams they thought were rebellious, undesirable or which misrepresented themselves in some way. I learned to get very clever about writing my real thoughts out in poems they couldn't interpret nor comprehend. And I learned to hide my journal in largely inacessible places that took some doing to get into.
When I married I was relieved to finally have my thoughts to myself, or so I thought. It didn't take long to discover that my husband was of my parents ilk. Quoting lines back to me at the dinner table no less. Accusing me of myriad things that he'd determined based on his own thougth processes and interpretation of what I wrote. Back to hiding for me.
It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally felt I could write in complete freedom. By this time however, my life was a shambles. Writing was too painful. Cursory entries only were made. And then I met the love of my life. Too tired from love and baby and children and job to write. I realized that I didn't quite trust this man to allow me the freedom to journal, to have private thoughts.
It took a little while to allow the full flow of my hurts/angers/distrust/resentments/angsts to flow onto the page. It was sooooo cathartic. Sometimes the pages got ugly ugly. Sometimes the pain was so great that I was too horrified by the rawness to read it. My husband proved trustworthy. My private thoughts remained private and secret, but I eventually found it necessary to destroy several years of those journals. There was too much pain, too much hurt and I was too ready to be over it all and move on with my life.
And then there came newsletters and blogs and I finally got a little tired of writing, so that I seldom broke out the journal at all. My current journal might see an entry once a month or six weeks.
This week, reading the messiness of the blogger's life that I've found so enthralling, I've missed my journaling. I've missed the opportunity to be naked on the page, letting it all hang out, reporting the things that thrilled me beyond words, that hurt me beyond measure, thoughts that might be unworthy but which floated through my brain. Sloughing off of little resentments and big. I've missed the opportunity to be myself.
So why did I begin writing here in the first place? Because I wanted pretty much what we all want. I wanted to find out if others felt they way I sometimes do. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in this world, as a frustrated writer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a woman with sometimes difficult personal relationships, as a dreamer. And you know what? I'm not. There are so many of us out here that it's important to acknowledge we are there for one another. But it's not enough at the same time.
All that to say this. I miss journaling. It's a more personal forum than blogging. And I need it. I need to write poetry once more. I need to return to my writing roots once again. I am not giving up blogging. Not here nor at Penny Ann. I am still inspired. This is just a further inspiration and one that I needed to figure out, which is what happened today on my way through a fellow blogger's ups and downs.
I did get my closet cleared out and organized. Step 2 is figuring out how to make it pretty as well as functional.
If I can get time tomorrow I'll share some of the things that are inspiring me this month, courtesy a stack of old Victoria magazines.
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