Drawing Nearer

Last night we had our usual Shabat candle lighting and prayer time followed by communion.  This is such a sweet time to me and a moment of the week for which I find myself yearning more and more.  Typically on Friday evening we watch a ministry program televised on World Harvest Television from World Revival Church.  I suppose coming fresh out of the Shabat evening ritual, which I find so very intimate, I was especially open to the music last night and I felt myself near to tears.  The sermon was quite good as well and all in all it was a very moving evening.

After we'd said our nightly prayers, I didn't feel quite ready for sleep so I read for a bit.  As I got up to tend to my nightly routine prior to shutting out the light, I happened to glance at the photo I keep on my bedside table.  It is one of the few photos I have of my husband and myself together.  This photo was taken last autumn when we went to the beach.

Looking at that photo I was suddenly moved to tears of gratitude.  What a blessed thing this marriage has been and how wonderful it has been to find myself in such a relationship after the loneliness and hurt I experienced in my first marriage.  I felt moved to pray my gratitude to God for the blessing of this man who shares my life.  And then I felt overwhelming emotion as I envisioned the many many blessings God has given me.  I wept with gratitude.  John was sound asleep, and there was nothing to distract me from pouring out my heartfelt gratitude and as I did I felt myself drawing nearer and nearer to God.  I know what I was once upon a time, and I know where I am since confessing my sinful nature and asking for the salvation Christ gave.  I was humbled to the point of feeling my heart overflow as I looked down the years...

Then that still small voice came:  "I enjoy being praised for the love I've shown."

That stopped me for a moment.  You see, the past couple of weeks have been pretty tense and there have been numerous things that were/are cause for worry.  I'd spent plenty of time in prayer, sharing my heart with God, casting my cares upon him, pleading for understanding, but I hadn't in all that time spent a moment in simple praise for the good things He has done.  I was all about the things I wanted Him to change, to fix, to cover, for myself and others but I'd not thanked Him for the blessings in my life, the things He'd given freely. 

I spent a bit of time in study this afternoon, looking up various commentaries on praise and it's value to God.  Quite a few people, many in pastoral positions, decry God's desire for praise.  They are certain we mere humans have nothing worthy of giving to God and are nothing short of heretics if we think we have anything to offer. 

This is my viewpoint:  I spent an hour last night praising God for the blessings He has given me.  I felt an intimacy with Him I didn't experience in my prayer or study time.  That still small voice came in the midst of my tears of gratitude as I prayed my heart.  "I enjoy being praised for the love I've shown."   

June Looms and I'm Making Plans

I was just reading back over previous posts for the last three months.  Quite a lot of water under my personal bridge, lots of plans made and goals met.  Now it's the cusp of a new month and time to look at what goals I'd like to accomplish in June, as well as how I've progressed with the past month's goals.

First let's start with May.  The next series on the blog is begun, though it's a little behind at the moment.  I've started an article for that series but got side-tracked by little things like attending a meeting (that was cancelled) and turned into coffee with our friends, then a long weekend and leaving for our retreat.

We made the retreat trip this week.  We chose to return to St. Augustine and we are so glad we did.  It's just a place that feels like home to us and we've vowed we'll just plan to go back there and stop forcing ourselves to go other places, lol!  We just relax immediately in that area because we know it well, we're familiar enough with the town to find what we need and just unfamiliar enough to still be surprised by it.  The retreat itself was cathartic.  I didn't really spend lots of time in Bible study this time.  I spent lots of time with my nose in a book, a book I could barely stand to put down.  Peony in Love   by Lisa Lee.  The author's work is very mystic and deep and absorbing.  Loved it.  I plan to send it on to my oldest daughter, who I am sure, will love it as much as I did.

My adventure to the mall was a huge HUGE disappointment.  Turned out the mall was basically empty.  sigh.  Well I went, I saw, and while I might not have conquered at least I kept my word to myself. 

The new series on the blog opened up quite accidentally when my young friend sent a panicked email regarding running a household on a budget and with only one income.  She's always been employed and while she may have some work to do from home, the majority of the financial burden will be her husband's.  "How do I keep house and make a home?"  she wailed...And so Homemaking 101 was born as the new series.

I went to the financial source of the household and laid out my desire for a pretty yard...I probably couldn't have chosen a worse Spring to start this project, but you start where you are.  It's been very very dry, as in high alert for wild fires sort of dry and no grass to mow sort of dry.  Thankfully no expensive plantings have been done.  John suggested I hire help, namely our youngest son.  When I approached youngest he said he'd happily come once a week for the cost of a homemade meal and gasoline money down.  Thankfully his dad said I could pay him a wee bit more than that.  We've trimmed trees, spread some mulch, done some minor planting, dug up loads of things that are mostly being discarded and that's just three weeks worth of work.

My back deck project is coming along okay.  I pulled a glider out of hiding that had been sadly neglected and ignored and discovered that the 'broke' part was a missing bolt and nut.  Ok!  That means I have seating for the cost of a can of spray paint (or two) and the time it will take to dig out a nut and bolt from the jar where we keep them.  I have pillow covers made and just need inserts to go in them.  This week I hope to tackle the painting of the furniture and planning how to place it all so that it makes sense and looks nice.

My guest bedroom project is in progress.  I have materials to fashion curtains and an idea for a cute arrangement on the wall and a color scheme in mind (cottage style).

I managed a new look for the master bedroom and on a dime at that.  I am well pleased, have plenty more fabric to do a bit more work with.

I at least started the clean up of the living room clutter but haven't finished it as of yet.

I stuck hard to a lowered grocery budget last month and did very well, managing both stocking up and lowering that bottom line.  I was pleased as punch over that, too.  Chance has continued to work extra shifts twice a month which has meant a nice cushion for us and we've done well with savings and doing repairs without using any savings at all (or very rarely).  That's been a nice thing and allows for a sense of security.

So that was last month....What's ahead for June?

I want to finish the started projects (many, oh so many, lol).  Get guest room curtains made and paint the side table and look for something to make a headboard from.  I have an idea that will be cheap enough and should look more than nice.  Just a matter of getting all the stuff together to do it.

Put the top coat of paint on the vanity in the guest bath.  It was primed months ago.  I'm ashamed, really I am.

Make more shams and valances for master bedroom.

Put more paint on the front door.  It's 100F outside for heavens' sake, surely it will dry in record time?

Plants for front porch, mostly bloomers and toss the plants that are well past prime.  And two pretty pots of plants for either side of the doorsteps there.

Paint deck furniture.  Get deck arranged.  (Planters there are looking pretty good.  I might add one or two more pots of plants but if not we'll get by with what we have).

Chance is actually thinking he might not work extra shifts this coming month, or just one at most.  Suits me.  I've been a Sunday widow since January.  To that end, I want to be careful with our spending.  We should have a little extra cash here and there due to that third pay period this month which works out over a six week period where we have a bill that we might not have to pay or can spread out a little longer to pay.  I want to be sure we have that extra to offset his not working OT so he doesn't feel he must work extra all the time.

I have a list of new projects I'd like to start but I think it best if I finish the ones I've got underway first.  I feel I accomplished a great deal this past month and heaven knows I was B-U-S-Y, all month long.  Seemed like the last two weeks before our retreat I just couldn't stop going and I was weary beyond words when I'd quit each night.

One area I do want to touch upon this month is figuring out a way/time/place to have more God in my life. I have been reading my daily Bible, but it's been more just reading and hurrying through at that.  I want to spend a little time each day in study, prayer and praise, not just rush through or pray by rote.  I've plenty of study materials here on hand.  I need to just choose one and DO it.

If indeed John is home a bit more I'd like to have a date or two with him on his two off weeks.  I thought we might invite friends over for dinner and grill out, or perhaps go off to visit that museum he so wanted to see last June over at Ft. Benning.

Kate's to come home sometime this next month.  I hope it is a good visit for her, as the last one was.  She's had quite a struggle this year and I'd like to think she can relax and be young and have fun a bit here.

For myself, I plan to lighten up.  I have tended to hide a lot of my grief over situations I can't change and have no control over.  Chance and I had a long long talk one night and I realized that letting myself talk it out now and then  isn't complaining or whining or being a victim.  It's just letting go of things that hurt and moving on. 

And so we sail into June...

P.O.ed

I need to write something, out loud so to speak, in a public (sort of) place.  I have had the most awful time of late controlling my temper.  I haven't let anyone else know how angry I am.  I don't show it much.  You'd have to know me very very well to even see that I was a little bit angry.  No, no one would likely know it, but I do. I learned a long long time ago how to smother anger, how to step aside from hurt and rejection and keep on going.  Here of late, things keep coming up, bubbling up to the surface in a viscous sort of brew that is thick and soupy and refuses to succumb to lowered heat, to a good stirring.  Boiling away under the surface all the time these days. 

I stew.  I sulk.  I rage when no one is around, but only within, never out loud.  I say everything is fine when it isn't.  I weep.  I find myself at the most inopportune times feeling as though I'd like to snap: break things and beat something to a pulp and scream and be hateful to someone, anyone.  When that urge passes, I am covered in a dark cloud of depression that comes and goes, and comes and goes, much like clouds in a Spring sky.

Gracious!  You might well ask what on earth has me so upset?  What little thing or big has happened in my life of late to wreak such havoc in my emotional equilibrium? WHO caused such angst and anger?

I could point a finger at this person and that and the next one and two more besides, but mostly, I am angry at one person.  Me.  Myself. 

In the last post I shared a dream I'd had, where I refused to keep someone's junk in my home any longer.  That dream is the direct result of someone close who continually dumps her rage and grief and anger in my lap and then refuses to hear my own protests against such treatment.  I was so proud of myself after that dream.  Following hard on the heels of the dream, I  listened to a program, caught just the last five minutes really, about unforgiveness.  How repetitive dreams might well be about unforgiveness....And then the man said something about doors needing to be opened instead of locked shut....

This is a repetitive dream I've had for years upon years now.  I'm standing at a door or window, afraid while someone or something rages outside and I am desperately trying to lock out the thing I fear, even though I can see how inadequate a barrier I have, such as a window in the midst of a screened wall or a door in the middle of an open area.  Still I am busily working away at that lock, shoving that door/window shut with all my might and struggling to keep that rage outside at bay.

Maybe it was just the right time, the right words in the right season, but after hearing that program I asked God, "What would happen if I opened that door/window in my dream?  What if I stopped shutting things out and stopped the fear and the struggle?"

Well.  Apparently I'll bump hard against my anger over a variety of things in a million little moments and I'll have to face the hurt, the fear, the rage, the fear of rejection and the whatever is attached to that THING that is lurking outside that flimsy barricade.  That flimsy barricade turns out to be the facade I put up pretending I'm not mad, I'm not hurt, I'm not walking wounded through the world.

For the first week, I was in such physical pain it was unreal.  I'd be sitting here writing or reading and suddenly I'd be nearly bent double in agony, my skin crawling with an ache that seemed to run along veins and nerve endings.  It was an anxiety attack of a sort I'd not experienced in years.  To read of anyone's pain, to hear of a hurt someone suffered or I imagined they were feeling, was enough to trigger this pain of my own.  I was exhausted all of the time.  I couldn't get enough sleep. And then last week along about Tuesday I began to spout and spew and weep over this and that, things that are inconsequential.  Or so I thought, until my anger came raging up and out, growing and growing and rolling over the edges. 

A forgotten task I'd requested be done caused one such episode. I saw it suddenly as disrespect, a lack of caring, an attitude of inattentiveness.   A passive aggressive act of anger towards me. A  drive along a country road awoke anger over another hurt.  A broken appliance, a prayer I didn't care for the wording of, a moment of fear spied in someone I love, whining...anger just wouldn't be held at bay any longer. 

And grief.  Grief spewed up too, like so much acid reflux.  Anger is a natural part of grief did you know that?  I must be at the primo stage of grief then.  Grief over my lack of contact with my oldest girl, with my inability to see my grandchildren, at losing Granny in segments through Alzheimer's, at Mama's aging and idiosyncrasies, at my own aging, over things I'll never have the opportunity to rectify because they weren't second chance sorts of things. 

Then self loathing for allowing others to hurt me in ways I oughtn't to have been vulnerable to, for accepting bad treatment as 'good enough' because I felt I didn't deserve better, nor ask for it either; for the sometimes unintentional wallowing in sin I do in my thinking and the sharp brunt hurt of realizing I sometimes intentionally sin; for the many opportunities I let slip rather than dare to stand up and be brave and confrontational.

And depression.  I've read many times that anger is depression turned inward.  I sat here yesterday wondering if I should seek counseling once more, if we could possibly afford mental health clinic since I have no health insurance, or perhaps increase the St. John's Wort?  Because in the past two weeks I've felt more depression than I've felt in many many years.

All of this: anxiety, anger, self-loathing, depression has been shut away.  Not discussed with anyone.  Journaled about only partially because I wouldn't even be fully truthful in my journal about the extent of my loss of peace and equilibrium.  I've not even told my husband...nor God, though He surely knows all about it.  He sees it all and understands it and is no doubt there directing me through this time, but I've not talked to Him about it.  I've not turned to Him for solace or help or understanding.

I'm not keeping it buckled down, caged up or shoved away behind an inadequate facade door anymore. The door is wide open. This is what's inside.

It's time to open up.  No need to reveal the ways in which I was hurt (rightly or wrongly), for that would only cause a disturbance in lives that are frankly going blissfully along thinking all is well in their world, but certainly time to say I am Pissed.  P.O.ed.  Angry.  Spitting mad.  A towering inferno.  At melting point.  Livid.  Mad!  I'm tired of stifling anger.  I'm tired of denying my own feelings and keeping them tamped down nice and neat.  I'm tired of accepting barely good enough when I deserve so much more.  I'm tired of grieving quietly alone because others are uncomfortable, embarrassed, inconvenienced or simply don't know what to do with my pain.  Get over it.  I'm hurting.  I need to vent about it.  I need to TELL someone that right here is a big OW!  I bloody well hurt.

So this evening, as I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes (oh great oracle for thinking that sink!), I thought about this post and what I'd written.  Over the past few months, my husband has asked me several times if there were any unforgiveness in my life. It was a prayer based question and fair and honest.  I'd deny each time that there was anything.  I remembered suddenly the scripture in Matthew 5:21-25.

21“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’^d 22But I say, if you are even angry with someone,^e you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot,^f you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone,^g you are in danger of the fires of hell.^h

23“So if you are presenting a sacrificeⁱ at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

25“When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly. Otherwise, your accuser may hand you over to the judge, who will hand you over to an officer, and you will be thrown into prison. 26And if that happens, you surely won’t be free again until you have paid the last penny.^j

This evening when my husband came in I told him how difficult these past few weeks have been, from the night of the dream until  I stood at the sink.  I told him I'd been guilty of unforgiveness, of holding onto anger against him and I told him I needed to forgive him, but I also needed his forgiveness.  It doesn't matter what he did or when.  It truly doesn't.  This is not about stirring up past hurts but acknowledging that they were there, that I needed to free myself of this emotion, that I would accept the responsibility in the future of letting him know when I felt hurt or grieved or angered if he were responsible for those feelings. 

I can't have this same closure with others in my life, but it's important that I do this with John.  It's part of the trust we have in our marriage.   He graciously accepted my forgiving him and then he forgave me for holding aught against him...That's the way it should be.  Thank You Lord, for this man in my life. 

I won't be able to have the same great results in all cases.  I can't change circumstances as they stand.  I'm not able to confront all the people who have caused me to harbor anger.  But I am grateful for the revelations that have led me to this place tonight.

Looking Ahead

My mind has been going in ninety different directions of late.  Some goal centered, some one day sort of dreams and some just plain whole new existence sort of thoughts.  Not that I have am expressing boredom with my life of late, not at all.

I thought with Kate gone from home, I'd find myself doddling about half bored...Not true!  I'm busier than ever and honestly have a hard time, a VERY hard time, determining what I shall do next as opposed to "Oh what shall I do?".  This is fun.  Do I miss my girl?  I miss her, I sure do.  I miss all the kids to be honest, as all of them lead full and busy lives of their own, but I've discovered my mother's heart and mind is never turned too far from them.

This winter was very beneficial in many ways, if only to point up the sheer volume of creative expression that was apparently waiting just below the surface for the right time and place to allow it to bloom.  So much creative expression that I often forget about writing, which is really where I do want to focus a portion of my time and attention. 

And I'm coming into my own once more.  One of my goals this year was to be more spontaneous, more adventuresome.  I seem to be doing that just fine thank you.   Who knew?  In fact, I've a field trip planned for the coming week when I shall do one of my mall runs.  I'm going to go to the city for this mall run and do nothing but window shop, people watch and jot down notes, take pictures and sketch out creative ideas that occur.  I expect my home and person as well as my wardrobe and writing to be inspired still further by this trip.  I haven't done this in a couple of years time and it's passed time to do it once more.

Two incidents this past week really pointed up to me how independent I am becoming.  I was telling Kate about an idea I'd had to decorate my bedroom.  Mind you now this design inspiration is born as much out of financial lack as it is of desire to have new.  Kate let it be known that she thoroughly loathed the idea.  Later as I was making my bed, I thought with regret of my idea and suddenly it hit me:  I was letting an 18 year old girl who'd just strung fairy lights in her house dictate my style?  Whoa, back up, let's go back to the design inspiration. 

The second thing was a dream of a very dominant person in my life, someone who has had a center amount of control over me for too many years.  In the dream I was dismayed to find my home cluttered with things.  I saw the person and said, "This is yours, why don't you take home with you?" and each time she would refuse.  I finally got fed up and said "I don't want your junk in my life anymore.  Take it with you or I'll toss it out!"  So I began picking up items and if she refused them, I threw them with all my force onto the ground where they shattered.  I woke up chuckling!  How powerful I felt, how free.  It was most definitely a dream of value to me and has made me very aware that I am no longer the person I once was.

Those thoughts aside here's where my mind's been of late:

Blogging.  I'm about to wind up with my second series of the year on PennyAnnPoundwise...No clue where I'm going next.  I'd thought to revive one or two features but one of those ideas is just not inspiring me at the moment.  Perhaps the series was truly finished the first time through.  The other I think is something I really need to do, as much for my own sake as for others and this time I shall try to be far more accurate with it: A Year of Savings.

Why the return interest in that series?  Because I need to see if the savings I generate is truly netting us the same as if I worked outside the home...  I think it is, but in this day of rising costs and nonexistent raises I need the reminder and I think it would be beneficial to another whole generation of bloggers who are now coming to my audience.  I don't know just how I'll approach it this time.  I don't want to focus on nothing but A Year of Savings and forgo other posts...lots of thinking to do there.

Stockpiling.  I've begun a second pantry where I hope to stock up still further.  This while cutting down on my grocery expenses mind you.  Well the two do go hand in hand.  My desire is to have 6-12  months of non-perishable food items on hand, plus household needs (toiletry, personal care, cleaning, pets).  Why?  I don't know, it's just something I feel strongly will benefit us over time.  Then we'll have stock to rotate when items do go on sale and to carry us whne they are not on sale.  It's a sort of bottom line pantry really where I purchase at the lowest possible price.

To Do list.  In our home there are myriad little jobs that really need to be done that we have shamefully put off far too long.  Like a new pump house roof and repairing the ice maker on my new fridge and refacing our windows and moving some bedding plants that have grown out of bounds.  Just little things that are good stewardship overall and not expensive but just complicated and tough enough that we've put them off.  We'll either fix them ourselves or hire the jobs out as a bulk repair to bring things up to snuff once more.

There's also yard work that I've been trying to get done for years now.  Trouble is I can't do it on my own as it's all proven to be just too much for me alone.  Chance truly doesn't have time to help even if he were interested, which he isn't.  However, he's given me leave to hire our son to come once a week and do some heavy yardwork tasks as well as permission to spend a very little bit of money on materials (not much by any means but I'll take what I can beg).  I think I can make the place look landscaped on a dime anyway, what with good perennials passed along from others, a handful of seeds and a purchased plant or two.  The bulk of my money spent will go into mulch, bordering material and labor.

Retreat.  The nature of my husband's job is such that it is truly necessary that he get away.  His boss knows this and insists that he takes time off next month.  I've been very careful this year to set aside a bit of money whenever we had extra and have now paid all but $23 for the first retreat we'll go on this year.  It's all planned and I'm excited about it. I think he is, too.  I plan a second such retreat later in the year and will be starting that fund as soon as I've got the last of bit of this first trip socked away. 

Adventure.  There's a possibility that I'll be going out to California late this year when my son and his wife have their baby.  I told Chance it will be an adventure but I don't consider it vacation and he needn't either.  There'll be a two year old and possibly twins to keep me occupied as well as a post surgery mama, two dogs, a house to clean and mouths to feed.  Definitely not a vacation!  I'm not counting chickens yet, though.  I know too well that many things can change plans set that far in advance but I am mentally preparing myself for the challenge should it prove do-able.

Finances.  I shouldn't have postponed this but I did: figuring our budget for the second quarter of this year.  I'm glad I did on the one hand (who knew gas prices were going to rocket?) and sorry on the other (there's a hard road ahead if things go as they say and I wish I were better prepared).  The bottom line is this: to do all I hope to do this year, and just plain live, will take some fancy financial footwork.  I refuse to give up eating (one scenario) having grown rather fond of meals at regular times, but know that the grocery budget is always the number one place to start trimming if you really want to balance a budget.  For the first time in years I can say honestly that I'm not just sure how I shall manage if things go along as they claim they will but I'm determined to do it all the same.  Things have been heaps worse and we stayed afloat and will now as well.  In the meantime, I'm renewing my acquaintance with all things FRUGAL and Thrifty.

Home Interior.  Clutter...It seemed cozy all winter long mind you, but now it seems cluttered and so I shall be toning down colors, removing knickknacks, unfeathering my nest so to speak and at the same time striving for a cool, calm, personal space.   Thankfully I have some materials on hand for slipcovers, can easily acquire more as it's inexpensive  as well and for the most part the look depends not upon purchases but cleaning and clearing and putting away for now, then bringing back just a few pieces here and there.  More labor than money required.

In other areas all that is needed is a bit of paint, a pair of twin sheets in white (for window covering) and a potted plant or two. 

So those are the paths my thoughts have taken of late, a sort of loose set of goals meant to be accomplished over the next few months time.

Faith Stretch

We had disappointing news today about an outcome we'd hoped for...the sort of thing that you try not to get your hopes up about, but do anyway and then find yourself swallowing back a big lump in your throat when you realize it isn't going to happen.  I can't reveal more, but suffice it to say that it wasn't a life crisis and we'll get over it but yes, it was most definitely a disappointment of some proportion.

We've talked a lot off and on about it, each expressing how disappointed we are, but careful too, to acknowledge the many blessings we've received in the past week alone, as well as the answered prayers we've seen manifested in our lives over the last few months. 

Honestly we don't believe God let us down.  We don't know the reason behind what happened but we believe it will come right in the end.  We both acknowledged the answered prayers, the blessings we've received and that was important for many reasons.  It reminded us that our God is faithful.  It reminded us in whom we trust.  We are more aware than ever that He is our source for all things.  But there can be no doubt that for a moment today our faith was stretched and stretched as we absorbed the news.  It was a time to choose in whom we'd believe.  We decided it was to be God our Father. 

A New Season

Gosh, I can't believe I've not written here since my birthday...I thought I'd better check in as the 'real me' once more, just so I don't lose myself in the PennyAnn identity.

So where am I?  I have experienced a great deal of peace after my tangled feelings this past year as God subtracted things from my life.  I think it's called 'acceptance'...but it's more than that really.  It's an acknowledgement that while He has seen fit to subtract a lot from my life, he's also narrowed my focus.  PennyAnn Poundwise isn't just a blog.  It's part of my mission.  My purpose in writing that blog is to teach others what I've learned over the years, what I'm learning still: how to live frugally and well.  How to make the most of what is at hand and make it as beautiful as it can be made.

I see Granny every few weeks.  She always knows me but begins to struggle for simple words about 20 minutes into a visit, and by the time I've been with her half an hour she often is delusional and rambling or she gives up in frustration and is mute.  The Assisted Living Center is a safe area for her now.  She likes the routine and the surety of that routine.

Katie has pretty much cut the apron strings.  She is dealing with issues of her own at present and it's been hard for me to not want to fix and repair for her.  I'm learning to let go of her, too, to strike that balance of loving her and letting her know I trust her to figure out her own life.  I am struggling with the part where I pray and believe in God's best for her life.

I'd been in prayer this past year for pictures of my North Dakota grandchildren.  At best we've had some fuzzy cellphone shots which were too unclear to really see the kids.  Recently Amie posted some good shots of the children and I printed them off.  Oh how they have grown!

John and I are now quite comfortable with each other.  We're enjoying this stage of newly found freedom in our lives.  Since we started our marriage with a house full of children, it's really been a bit of a stretch to figure out who we are without children who require full hands on active parenting.  We still have to remind ourselves now and then when we're about to deny ourselves a dinner out or later than usual evening that we can do as we please, there's no one waiting on us to come home. 

As well, I've been busy visiting antiques shops and thrift stores with a friend.  We've planned a number of day trips over the next few weeks, until summer heats up too much to be comfortable.  I so enjoy these excursions both for the company as well as for the opportunity to handle history.  I am reminded each time we go into an antique store of how much I love personal histories.

I've got a bazillion ideas of things I'd like to do in my yard, in my home, on my blog.  The craft room isn't getting as much of a work out as I'd planned but I've enjoyed the time I've allowed myself.  I need to be more consistent with that.  I know it's important to feed the creative side of myself but too often get caught up in the all work/no play trap.  I have to remind myself more often that play is just as important as sitting quietly, journaling and hard work.  Each has their own satisfaction and place in a creative life.

I feel better overall than I've felt in years.  I am beginning to feel I can actually do more. I credit the right combination of vitamins and minerals as well as the effects of eating more homemade foods and less additives and preservatives. 

So where am I headed? 

I have grand plans for my yard.  It's going to be a lot of hard work, require some time and financial sacrifices.  I just have to remember that as with all things I have to accomplish a little at a time, not all of it at once.  I think Granny was just about my age when she was widowed and she began to make her yards truly beautiful.  I'm getting some satisfaction this Spring from work I did last Spring.  Iris are blooming under the Faith tree, purple and white.  I haven't seen the purple or white iris bloom in years so to find that I'd moved some of each under this tree and that they have done well despite Maddie spending the entire past year lying upon them, lol, is nice.  I also had my first little bunch of daffodils bloom in that same small area. 

I want to do both flower and vegetable gardening as well as landscaping.  I think this year I shall concentrate on trying to  work on two areas of flower bed.  I'd also like to get some tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers planted.  These are all fairly easily grown plants for container gardening and though we've just loads of land here, I've no way at present to cultivate it.

I have focused more on journaling almost daily.  It's a wonderful way to let my mind run free, sort out problems, focus my attentions for the day.  I'm really glad that I renewed my committment to this tool.

I'm happy with PennyAnn blog at the moment, but there are lots of features I'd like to bring back to it.  I do get caught up in the day to day household things here.  I allow myself to be distracted by John and so I've got to work on that.  I'm always shocked to see that the week has passed and I've made only two posts when the opportunity was there to make four or five, or seven posts.  This is something I want to be more mindful of.

So gardening, crafting, journaling, housework, blogging, marriage, church, family, friends...Balance will be very important, as will rest, but I feel capable of doing it all right now and that is a great place to be in my life.
It definitely is feeling like a new season.

An Excused Absence

When my children were in school it was necessary whenever they were out to send a written note with them explaining why they weren't in school.  This went on their record as an 'excused absence'.  If I failed to send a note it was unexcused and they couldn't make up the work they'd missed.  So no grades for those days when they'd missed school, which hurt if they were not doing particularly well in that class.

This past week I began reading a Grace Livingston Hill book, Katharine's Yesterday.  The second story in that book is titled, "An Excuse for Christ" and deals with a new young pastor who has lost heart for his Wednesday night prayer meetings due to the low attendance.  Only three or four faithful old parishioner's show up.  Listening to his sister-in-law tell his wife how their Christian Endeavor group required 'excused absences' to remain a member, the pastor has the idea of trying something similar. 

The following Sunday he announces that anyone who doesn't attend the Wednesday night prayer meeting needs a written excuse stating why they couldn't come.  The church was very nearly full come the following Wednesday night because no one could think of a good excuse for not being there!

I was reminded of all this last Saturday when our Rabbi stated that our youngest member had called to state that he'd be unable to come due to a bad head cold...We appreciate this young man very much but he had no particular duty to perform last weekend other than to fill his spot of the pew.  I think it's admirable that he feels he must give a reason for his not being there and he always does.  I can't say that it's a habit of mine!  I'm far more inclined to just assume my reason for missing out on service is my own.

What if we made a habit of giving an excuse each time we needed to be out during our Sabbath day services?  What if we were graded only for those days when we had an excused absence?  What if we received a 'Zero' for every day we missed that wasn't excused?  What excuse do you think Christ would see as a valid reason for not being there?

Oh these are the questions I've struggled with over and over this week as I've thought of this young man's example.  I am sure there are valid excuses.  Gracious, we don't want to spread germs if we are ill.  And certainly there are days when we might be called away by family duties of importance, or work  (not everyone is able to skip the Sabbath day as a work day).  I believe there are even times when we just need to be alone with God at home and dwell with him without the distraction of family or order of service.  I think most pastors could understand that, but it certainly imparts a need to keep our word and actively seek out God doesn't it? 

But what about those lame excuses we give ourselves (and don't dare mention to anyone else!) of wanting to sleep in, wanting to 'have fun for a change', etc.? 

What if we stopped and asked God if our absence might be excused first?  Wouldn't that be a radical thing to do?  To ask God where He might want us to be?

I think this young man has given me a great deal to think about in the future when I think I don't need to be present in my congregation's service.
What about you?  Will your absence be excused?

Happy Personal New Year to Me...

It's my birthday today and I've been giving a bit of thought to a few things in the past few hours...

I am 52 today.  If you were to ask me how old I am right at this moment I'd probably tell you I feel ageless in many ways, neither old nor young.   My kids tell me that physically I'd pass for 10 years younger than my age.  What is my secret?  Good genes help tremendously to be true, good health doesn't hurt, but I'd say at least 75% of it is good attitude.  I feel at peace, happy and content.

I learned a long time ago that many people are offended by that last word, "content".  They claim that anyone who is content has settled into a rut and wants nothing more.  They suggest that the only ones who are content are cows in the pasture and what do they know, they are just a step away from being slaughtered.  A few have even suggested that contentment is equated with boredom, nothing new ever happening, nothing ever going to change (we're back in the rut, you see). 

From the limited wisdom of 52 years let me say this about feeling content: contentment comes when we are striving towards a goal we've set for ourselves; work, rest, and play in good measure; have learned and live the serenity prayer; wake each day excited to see what the day might bring even when the tasks before us are mundane; are willing to forgive others; strive every day to change and grow and gain wisdom.  Contentment, in short, comes with living well.

If that sounds smug and all wise and rose colored glasses, then I do apologize.  I do not mean to give an overall picture of absolute and total bliss.  There are days that are very hard.  Days when I am challenged to remember that serenity prayer and triply challenged to wrangle myself into submitting to it.  Days when I wake up and want nothing more than to roll right back over and blot it all out.  Days when I am bored beyond tears.  Days when I'm so overtired from work and lack of rest and play that I can barely gather the energy to yawn.  Days when I bang up against a mountain I've been marching around and around like Moses in the wilderness.  Days when I have murder in my heart and dreams and loving words are likely to begin to gasp for breath for want of air.

Some days I lose sight of contentment.  Yet it hasn't gone anywhere at all, I just need to wait for the fog to lift to realize that it's still there.

I celebrate a variety of New Years: the annual Roman calendar New Year; my birthday; my wedding anniversary; Yom Kippur, the Jewish New Year.    All these New Years  remind me to focus, just in case I haven't been lately, to check my path, to take my contentment temperature and determine if I'm where I want to be and where I might stand improvement in my life.  Today's temperature read well. I've been working hard the past six months to make my days count for something.  Since the Roman calendar New Year I've stayed abreast of my resolutions in most areas (one or two need a bit of wrestling...).  I've been working harder at giving my writing work the attention it deserves once more.  I'm more committed than ever before to proving my theory that one can live frugally and well.  I'm healthy and have only very minor ailments.  No great drama or stress to deal with of late.  This new phase of empty nesting is beginning to wear rather well.  My children are doing well.  I've played and worked and rested in good measure.  Contentment shines like the sun pouring into the windows of my living room at present.

It seems an auspicous way to begin another New Year doesn't it?  Happy New Year to Me! 

Hungering for Him

A fellow worshipper and I were talking during dinner.  I was telling him about how I came to finally surrender my life to Christ.    "I couldn't get enough at first.  I read my Bible, I tuned into ministry programs on television and at night when that programming wasn't available, I found a radio station and I listened to sermon after sermon.  At work, co-workers and I spoke of scripture we'd read that morning or sermons we'd heard the previous night and we asked one another hard questions.  I spent time in chapel during my work breaks..."  I described truly, a person who had been starving for something more in life and finding it, had been unable to get enough.  They were sweet days.

I wish I could say that is always the case still, but truthfully there are many days when I let my life get in front of my heart needs.  I skip Bible study in favor of picking up the house.  I skip the televised ministry program I enjoy to run errands.  At night, instead of choosing the inspirational book I'd been reading, I lose myself in a computer game. 

What happens after awhile is predictable.  I 'forget' more and more often to turn to the Word and instead, I turn to the distractions.  I grow restless, become irritable and feel dissastisfied with life overall.  Nothing seems to soothe me.  The more I forget, the worse I become.  I become whiny.  I want something but no thing I bring into my life helps. And then one day it occurs to me that I'm hungry, I'm thirsting, I'm needing to spend time with God, needing to dwell in His Word.

Recently my husband combined two hymns in an absolutely beautiful mix for service,  "Hungry" and "As A Deer". I felt it was so stunning a compilation when he played it for me. The songs just spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. I could so envision that hunger and thirst for God and I  remembered the days before my salvation when I too hungered and thirsted but I didn't know what it was I needed.
What a beautiful reminder to me of that need to feast at God's table, to drink long and deeply from his presence...

Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry...

As a deer panteth after the water
So my soul longeth after Thee...

You Never Cry Like A Lover Should...

If you are/were a fan of the band The Eagles you might well recognize that title. I fell in love with that song in my teens and it stuck with me though I had little knowledge of what the song truly meant then. Now, as a grown woman who has been married twice, the impact of the song is even harder. Experience brought meaning.

I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.

That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.

Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.

But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.

Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.

I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...

I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.

I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.

Looking Ahead: New Year New Outlook

I always find myself a bit obsessed with the change of year. The ability to start afresh and renew myself is fascinating. And this year, I most certainly feel the need of a fresh start in many ways.

This year just past has really pointed out many weaknesses. I am prone to think of myself as old. Where exactly did this notion creep in? The truth is that my children tease us often about being old, but it isn't they who make me feel old. I think it's crept in in a variety of ways.

For one thing the physicality of myself has changed. I'm actually in less pain than I have been in years...but there are hitches and catches in my bone makeup now that sometimes cause me to gimp about a bit. I think this is related to the limited mobility I've had in the past twenty years. It's hard not to feel old when one walks with a limp or stiffness in a joint.

The other thing is the sheer weight of weariness that overwhelms me occasionally, though that too is vastly improved. I'm learning to take the time to rest especially when I've had a broken night of sleep.

What else makes me feel old? Words spoken over me in prayer by my husband often focuses on my occasional tiredness and pain as an 'always' thing too often...Yes, it is hard to remember how much better I am when the focus continues to be on the negative no matter how lightened I feel in that area. I'm learning as these words are spoken to say silently "Thank you God, I don't hurt so very much anymore. Thank you Lord for lifting that spirit of tiredness off me."  I must learn to guard my own words and not always voice my aches and pains and tiredness.

Graying hair...More and more to cover with the Miss Clairol these days, lol. A bit of added weight which causes me to sag and bag a bit more. Seeing Granny so old...Now it may sound odd that Granny's giving way to old age has affected me so but it has. We were well matched in vitality until the past two years and seeing her grown so frail and shrinking so in size and stature has helped change my own image of myself.

My decreased level of adventurousness, the ability to see dangers where before I wouldn't have considered the 'bad' things so much (identity theft, fear of traveling alone, unwillingness to trust car away from home, etc). That makes me feel old, too.

Changing roles: I'm no longer actively parenting...and while I am not terribly bereaved over that loss, I am still trying to find my way a bit. Perhaps if the grandchildren were nearby and I had more hands on dealings with them I wouldn't feel so at odds. Youth requires a youthful heart in those nearest them...

So yesterday as I was piddling about here in the house following a Christmas holiday that hadn't at all gone as planned, just as Thanksgiving had all been blown to bits as well, lol) I was thinking about how OLD I am now and how my expectations have changed and how my outlook and focus has changed and I was feeling a bit blue, a bit depressed even.  Then I was brought up short by fact. I am ONLY 51 going on 52.
I have before me 20,30, 35 or more good vital years. Heck there are more people living to ages beyond 100.  Genetically speaking I've had far more relatives live into the mid to late 90's than the average.   I'm not afraid of dying mind you, and certainly not of dying of old age. After all that only means that I step from this life into an eternal life, so no fear there. No, it's not fear. It's just I needed to adjust my thinking. Granny was vitally present in her own life both physically and mentally until 2 years ago. WHY am I giving up 40 years earlier?!

So what I really need is a chiropractor of the mind, someone to adjust my thinking and get all the cricks out of the processes. I can only try to do this myself as I am not really feeling the need of deep psychological help, just a bit of jolting.

To that end, this year I resolve to:
Move my body. Stretch, bend, walk with my sight set on some restoration of flexibility and suppleness. Pilates and simple exercises, nothing terribly strenuous.

Eat healthily. It may sound odd but I have a tendency to eschew fat (I blame it on the day and age I grew up in) and so I want to introduce healthy fat into my life and eliminate some of the sugar, processed food items etc. from my eating. I'd like to eat two servings raw fruit and veg daily. Get back on task with my vitamin/mineral therapy which has helped tremendously in how I feel and continue to do research and add supplements. I'm not talking diet per se, but I would like to lose 10% of my current body weight.

Be more adventuresome. Gracious goodness there's a whole world out there to see, explore, review and there's a world within reach via daily car trips. I need to stretch my adventure spirit as well as my body.

Be creative once more. All the growing up years my children distracted me from my pursuits. It wasn't unfortunate but it did make being creative a real challenge. I have the ability to create a small space all my own. I plan to renew my love of art by drawing, sewing, writing, creating. I want to have an ongoing project or six.

Learn, learn, learn. This past year I had to learn to do two or three things that really pushed me to use my head. I used to pursue an annual study of some subject or another, just for the sheer joy of learning. So why not do this once more? A new skill, a new subject, a new pursuit...

Be less rigid. Open my mind a little wider, my heart a little wider, let go of my fear of spontaneity and free myself from planning endlessly. Stretch my mind as I stretch my body. Rigidity is really a fear of sorts and I am so over fearful living.

And so, there you have it, my own desire to face the new year with a different attitude and approach to life.

Coming Full Circle

Several years ago, the older of my two younger brothers committed suicide. This left my family reeling. It also deeply affected the lives of a young couple who had been close friends with him. We all came together in grieving during that time and eventually my immediate family and I began to attend church with the couple in a nearby town.

One Sunday the pastor was out of town and the young man stood in for him. As he stood in the pulpit and spoke as a layman, I noticed a group of men standing behind him...Not flesh and blood but spirit men. When L. came out of the pulpit I asked him if he'd given thought to becoming a pastor himself. "Me?! Gosh no, no way!" His wife shook her head, "No, no! I'd never be married to a pastor!" I smiled and told him, "But you will become a pastor...There were men standing all around you. The anointing on your life to be a pastor is strong." Again the couple each assured me that there was no way L. would ever be a pastor.

We left the church soon after. I wasn't very committed to churches as a rule, having been deeply hurt twice by two church homes. And so time passed. Eventually I found a place where I also found the healing balm needed and a pastor who encouraged me to trust once again and join his church...but only if I promised to actively seek out a church home where I belonged. I moved my membership to a church where my husband agreed to attend if I'd go, and we stayed there five years, through 3 pastors. Eventually we left to follow a young pastor whom we'd been under as he moved.

It was an awesome time to be under his leadership. However, like well fed children we outgrew our pastor and eventually it was time to move on. Hence we became Messianic and have spent the past year in a new field, learning many things and feeling much as though there is too much to consume all at once. This week our Rabbi let us know that we'd be moving once more. We will be closer to our own home and much much closer to his own. We will again share a church building with another congregation and this time with the church where we first went as a family.

We walked into the old building today to share a service our Rabbi was giving on Hanukkah to the congregation. And there were our old friends, the young couple not so young anymore. L. is now pastor of that church. He felt led to share his church with this congregation and when Rabbi told him he had friends among the congregants he was astonished on many levels.

We reunited with them today. L. and I spent over an hour in conversation prior to service starting. His wife and I caught up afterwards. The years have passed, we've all been through many things, some wonderful and some not, but the love we've felt for one another, even through years, has not changed one bit.

And how like God to bring us full circle...

Identity Crisis: Growing through Subtraction

Sometimes we reach a place in our faith walk where we feel very comfortable. Self assured. Smug, perhaps. I was pretty sure I knew God intimately, but just in case, you know, for the sake of appearances, I'd pray and ask Him to let me know Him more intimately...

The last place I thought we'd end up when we left our former church was a Messianic congregation. So here I was in this tiny synagogue where sometimes four worshipped together and other times thirty showed up. Where Hebrew is a second language (even if a poorly spoken language for some). Torah, Tanakh, Festivals, Kiddush, Siddur, Seder, Pesach...Strange words, strange traditions, strange ceremonies. I stumbled and bumbled and felt pretty much at a loss.

I wanted to know God more intimately...that was my smug prayer.

God took me to a place where I have been stripped. Singing? I'd been an active part of the praise team in my former church...No place for that in this little synagogue. Then my husband was asked to become worship leader. Surely now, God meant for me to step up and join my husband? Wasn't music OUR ministry? Well....no. Although my husband initially encouraged me to join him I felt very strongly that I shouldn't do it. I just knew in my heart that God meant for my husband to do this on his own, that it wasn't my place.

I want to know you more intimately, God, I prayed. Not as smugly as before.

Granny's dementia worsened and she was no longer able to be home on her own. A refuge and a haven disappeared from my life. I thought I was grown and able to stand on my own, but perhaps I'd relied more than I realized on that companionship. There was some semblance of a real relationship  until the last few months before she was confined to an assisted living center. I floundered as one of the best friends and mentors of my life looked more and more confused and grew more frail.

I want to know you more intimately, Lord....

When my youngest daughter married this year, I struggled still more. I'd lost another role. Mom was secondary to every other role, no longer a primary role in my life. Can I just say that this final leave taking blindsided me?  I knew the plans were to marry and I knew when they planned to marry. It wasn't unexpected. There were three grown children who left home long before her.  I knew what it was like to hav a child leave home.  But my emotional reaction was not at all expected. Without someone who needed me, without someone to nurture, I felt suddenly that I'd lost too many things in the past year. As though every thing I felt most comfortable with, the most assured about, had been stripped away. By the end of August I was a sobbing mess more often than not.

Is there any need to say that for months I didn't touch my Bible? That I spent only a small amount of time in prayer each day? That I was just a little bit angry at God for taking away so very much of my life at once?

Finally in October we went away on retreat. A time for us to spend one on one time with God and ignore the world at large. It was a wonderful week. Us, food, God, ocean, sleep. Just five essentials. I spent real time in prayer and in reading the Bible and studying the Word. I began to hear from God again.

My prayer was renewed: I want to know you more intimately God.

We came home and I settled into this new life of mine, where things were continually being subtracted from me. I made up my mind I'd just settle in and wait. I'd wait and just spend time with God. I'd enjoy the less hectic life. I'd enjoy it even if it did hurt. And it hurt plenty.

Then this past week, another subtraction took place. A personal relationship that has been dicey at best at all times came to a head.  It came on the heels of a period of relative ease in the relationship, lulling me into the false hope that things had changed.  I felt so alone, despite my husband and children rallying around me. And even though I know that the relationship isn't over, it isn't what I thought it was either. It was a hard and heavy blow. I had to change my expectations of what the relationship could be.

I spent the past week alternately angry and mourning the loss of one more thing in my life. A little bitterness began to creep in. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time praising, because praise requires gratitude and gratitude is always a great remedy for bitterness. It's hard to be bitter over a few losses when you realize there are pages and pages of things for which to be thankful.  That was my theory anyway.

Human nature being what it is, I've had to remind myself now and then that I'm not going to dwell on the loss or let the bitterness well up...And then last night as I sat here feeling I needed to write, but not knowing how to start, I suddenly realized I've been losing the parts of myself which were the strongest portions of my identity, of who I thought I was. What I'd been left with was the need to lean hard on an understanding not my own.

And then I knew very clearly that all this time, God has been giving me the time and space to know Him more intimately. Foolish woman that I am, I just hadn't begun to draw nearer to Him until the past few weeks.

Thank you God for hearing and answering my prayer and giving me time to know you more intimately.

Six Months Later...

I just read my last post about turning things over to G-d and allowing Him to take care of things. Hindsight: Everything then worked out just fine. It just took a bit of time to sort out. Not my time, but G-d time. And I need to remember that right now, too.

So where am I now? Empty nesting. Beginning to get a glimmering of where G-d means me to minister. Acceptance of what can't be changed. Not liking it, mind you, just accepting that this is the way things are. Grieving the changes I've faced, we've faced.

I feel...unclothed... without a child at home. My husband and I are feeling our way around in our relationship. There's no doubt of the love we have for one another. We're just not sure of how to be Terri and John rather than Mom and Dad on a daily basis, and it feels very different. We began our relationship as parents and now that we're essentially stripped of that role (because parenting adults has not, in our experience, been anything at all like the continual work of hands on parenting of younger children), we don't really know how to act. We were a team as parents. Now we're not a team anymore, we're just two people.

John's just back at work this week, after three weeks at home. We were feeling our way to what our marriage might be and had just about developed a rhythm of our own and now he's back at work. And frankly I feel a bit lost. Without any anchors at all.

When did I lose sight of my individual self? Was it during those years when G-d disciplined me about selfishness? Was it when I fell in love with John? Was it just the natural toll of parenting and the reversal of roles when caring for my dad when he was ill and taking care of Mama? Admittedly I find it very easy to want to please others, but no clue what I want of myself. I feel restless, and at odds with the world and strangely alone. John has his work, his ministry work. I have him. And housework. And as he reminds me, I have writing but I don't really. Not now. I had writing. But the battering of the last three years took up a lot of time. There's been little time to really write, to hone the work I loved best. I've lost heart for it really.

I suppose that's why this afternoon I felt it necessary to pick up on this blog once more, because if Penny Ann Poundwise, my alter ego, is about my life as a homemaker and wife and cook, and home decorator, and daughter, then this blog is about exploring who I am.

Do you know I've spent 31 years of my life parenting? Between this marriage and my first, I 've been a wife for nearly 33 years. I've only been a writer for a bit less than 10 years. I didn't come into my own as a woman until I was in my early 30's and now I'm at a different place in my life. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, I never was. It's not the loss of my looks, because honestly those are about as good as they ever were. It's about losing something else that I can't quite put my finger upon. Does it have to do with the change of season in my life? Is it just sheer weariness? Just this feeling of limbo?

I don't feel old. Not often, anyway, lol. But I do feel as though time has slipped away from me. I'm 51, very near 52. It's not old, but it's moving there rather quickly. I've always thought I'd live to a ripe old age, but there's a bit more fear now, when you're this close to age, that touches you. It's like seeing that you're nearing the end of a journey and even though you might have a nice stay at the end, you know it's the end all the same.

Geez, I didn't start out blue today, nor am I especially now. I think it's just that feeling of wandering about in my own life, waiting for the next chapter, that's left me feeling as I do at the moment. Not particularly confident, not sure of anything except that I need to go through this time of waiting.

Avoidance, Tears and Goals

I've been involved in a game of late that has become my own personal little hideaway. As a former compulsive eater, I've found new ways to cope with life's worries and woes and have replaced one obsession with another. Instead of food, I shelter in games. My current favorite is an online game that limits me to 5 1/2 mins of play time. That's not to say I only play the game for 5 1/2 mins but that each game only lasts that long. Typically I play between 3 and 6 games and then I go do something else. Occasionally this means I may play for an hour or two, but I try to reserve those times for end of day when my duties have been completed.

What am I trying to avoid? Of late there are issues at home that I choose not to dwell on overmuch. Not avoidance as in completely denying the situation, but simply as in: "God grant me the serenity" prayer, sort of thing. I'm not in charge of the situations, I can't control them or manipulate them, I can only stand by and watch and hurt and pray. When the noise in my head starts to get too loud, I go to the game and play for a bit. The game requires concentration and skill and I can't think of both the game and the worry at the same moment.

Another issue I'm trying to avoid is Granny. There's a whole tangle of emotions where this is concerned. Each time I get myself steeled to go visit her, Mama has told me how upsetting Granny has found her most recent visit, how difficult it is for her settle down once more to the environment where she is staying. Added to my own fears that Granny will beg me to bring her home once more, there is the concern that I might cause her undue anxiety by denying her what she desires. Even though I know full well in my heart that she cannot be alone any longer.

Then there's the outdoors. Good reason for avoidance as there is pollen everywhere. I went out last night and ended with an achy head and itchy ears and stuffy nose. Went out this morning after the sun had begun to dry the morning dew and have sneezed and endured more itchy, stuffy ears. I need to work at cleaning off my porch and deck. I need to be at work lading that mulch around to the flower beds. I need to go to the bank, take off the trash and run an errand. But all of them involve going outdoors. Not keen on that at all.

Why the tears? I've had my share of tears this morning. I've cried over Granny. I've cried over a situation someone I love is going through. I've cried over my helplessness in this situation. I've cried for the realization that the person I love has no idea of the value of her person, nor how poorly it is being valued at the moment. I've cried for the sheer realization that only the One Who Created Us has any say in the matter. I'm not fearful of His judgement, only pained by the process of getting to the end result He's planned from the beginning of time.

And so finally we come to my goals for April. I don't remember March's goals very well. #1 I got so weary of reading Levitical Law that I stopped picking up my Bible at all last month. I really needed time in His Word, too, but foolishly, I set the Bible aside and didn't touch it all month long. This morning I sat down to read in Matthew of the Passover Supper and the betrayal of my Savior. I realized that I don't have to be so strict with myself. It's okay to admit to being bogged down and to take a break and perhaps go back to it later. So one goal for this month is to daily read the Scriptures, Old or New and to spend time in the Word with Him daily.

#2 Finances are not grim by any means but they are not free flowing either. We've a number of bigger ticket items coming up and I find it necessary to trim corners where I can to allow for the extra room needed in the seat of the budget.

#2a First: A self imposed Pantry/Freezer challenge. I plan to trim my usual grocery budget a little ($50-$100) for the month, #2b but I also plan to use the remaining money in the budget to restock my cabinets and cupboards and freezer. I had the opportunity last pay period to stock up on a few more canned goods. This week I hope to stock up on butter, flour, and other baking products. I also want to get little niceties we haven't had in some time: corn syrup, chocolate chips, a variety of nuts (not too many as I've got pecans too), pastas, rice, yeast, herbs and spices, etc.

#2c Try to keep electric costs down. We're at that portion of the year where pollen =s misery. And where we have cool almost cold mornings (40F) with warm, almost too warm, afternoons (75-80F). Currently we are running a heater in the mornings and AC in the late afternoon/early evening. As much as possible I am trying to keep usage to a minimum.

#2d Trim gasoline costs. Easier said than done, but shall try all the same. I will combine errands whenever possible, avoid those single purpose errands that sometimes occur. K is out of school for the coming week so that will be helpful. I believe we have no Wednesday night service this next week either, so that also will be a help. Mama has planned to go with us on Saturday which means using her car, as she dislikes the build of my car and prefers her own. Another help.

#2e Build up checking account once more. We've had some draining weeks of late. Instead of putting money into savings I plan to let it build in the checking account to boost that balance once more. Any overtime we might possibly get will also do the same.

#3 I am still pretty much soda free and frankly not minding it at all. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to drink regular vs. diet when I do have one (about twice a week at most). I think that for this month I will drink only regular drinks avoiding the artificially sweetened ones. Knowing I am drinking calories will also help me to trim the usage of the soda still further or to look for an alternative instead.

#4 Make strawberry jam. Our local strawberry crops should start coming in by the end of the month. We're already inundated with fresh crops from Florida. I've frozen a few berries and plan to buy more this next pay period to put in the freezer. I want to make up several jars of freezer jam for our personal use. I especially like the freezer jam's fresh taste and have enjoyed making it in the past.

#5 Make the outside of my home as pretty as I can on a limited budget. I plan to buy two hanging baskets and some six packs of annuals to plant in the containers on the front porch. I'd like to plant herbs and tomatoes. I recently bought Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds to plant. I'd like to get some sunflower seeds as well. I especially like sunflowers.

#6 I had such success with my feeling better after taking the Vitamin D capsules that I took note of an article in a magazine that suggested for women my age St. John's Wort would be a good supplement to take. Well I qualify for both the age and the other. So I began St. John's Wort three weeks ago but bought only the one bottle. I plan to get more. I can say honestly that overall my mood has improved and yes, it does seem to be showing results. Overall I am less tired, have greater stamina and am feeling far less pain.

I think that's quite enough goals for the moment. I may create a more in depth list as the day goes on, but for now, I think I shall stop to do a bit of housework and then get ready to go into town to do some needed errands.

Week 40 Day 1 - Drifting Along

It's been an odd sort of month. I was explaining my feelings to my husband this morning as we drove over to a friend's home. I told him how I'd felt that his music ministry was to be our ministry and had discovered this month that indeed it is his ministry and not mine at all. In fact, if I were anything at all in the music end of things I should be a distraction from his purpose. I really really miss singing. In fact, I've even felt some grief over our last church where I did sing with the praise team (and very much enjoyed it). However it is plain to me that singing with my husband is not where my Lord and God wants me at this moment in time.

What's puzzled me is this sense that I am drifing along, hands tied, unable to steer a course on my own, waiting. And it's an odd sort of waiting. I appear to be waiting for things to be finished. Things over which I have no say or little control at all.

Now my husband understood all this perfectly as he says he's felt much the same way of late. I do know some of what I'm waiting upon. For one there is our daughter's nearly imminent graduation (less than six weeks away) and an end to this phase of parenting. I am also waiting for some sort of conclusion where Granny is concerned as well. To date, she's been placed in an assisted living center after a series of events that were entirely predictable but scarey all the same. But there is more. I appear to be waiting on some unknown things to 'finish' as well, and these are truly perceptions more than knowledge. I don't know just what only that all the things meant to be finished aren't. That may sound nonsensical if you are fully practical. I am not fortunately blessed with being totally practical. I have spells of it at times.

Well March is nearly done, and I had no intentions at all of letting it passed unmarked here. Where have I been for March, besides drifting to some inevitable conclusion of life as I've known it for now? The first week was spent in a spate of preparation for the visit with son, dil and grandson. I was nervous and anxious and slept poorly and must have had ten thousand 'Well if...." conversations going on in my head. All for naught. All for naught. None of the 'ifs' ever became fact. They were just foolish fears.

Our visit went off very well considering the events and weather, neither of which could have been planned, lol. It rained all but two days of their 8 day visit. Truly. Which neatly put the end to my plans to attend the big hundreds of miles long yard sale that comes round this time every year. There was a crazy problem with their rental car, an unexpected visit from Granny in the midst of a rain storm, an argument with my mom (over said visit from Granny), unexpected additional guests, a few mistruths which were quickly found out, and a deep sigh of relief at the end of all events as life returned to something resembling normal.

Spring came overnight in a blaze of blooms right after the family all left and went home. Which does not explain why we are nearing frost temperatures for the next four nights, but weather is weather. There's most assuredly no control there. I can't help but feel that I am waiting yet on winter to end (another bit of drifting going on there as well). I know just what the calendar says. I know just how hot and muggy it was yesterday afternoon, but there's a few other signs. For one thing I've not seen Confederate jasmine blooming at all. And then there's the fact that the well water is still cold enough to make your hand ache if you hold it under the running water. These are not signs of warmer weather. And lastly the Japanese magnolia always bloom well before the last freezes are over. Now they have bloomed but still I am cautious and waiting.

I haven't been near my Bible in the past month. I don't know why but I just can't seem to pick it up just now. It isn't a matter of not making time, it's truly a matter of feeling I needed to put it aside for a bit. I can't explain that either, so I won't.

I did move money into savings at the beginning of the month...and I've moved it almost all right back out again to cover the extra required when the kids were at home. My grocery budget was about $100 higher. Extra food, extra company, baby formula etc.

I put away our winter comforter and put on the spring/summer one and then worked on the room overall so that our bedroom literally looks as though it's been newly done over. I've hung pictures on one of the blank walls and found a pair of curtains I'd never thought to use with the spread that makes it all look fresh and new. Just what we needed really.

I can't lay claim to reading any books, watching any movies, nor much of anything else. I did manage a journal entry this week (my first in nearly four weeks there too).

And so here we are at the end of March without a great deal to show for it in my opinion, except having attended to family all through the month, either in person or via many many phone calls. I've got about a hundred and one thoughts in my head of things I'd like to accomplish in April if all goes well.

I've reason to believe that April will be a fairly tight month and so I must adjust the budget accordingly. For one thing there will be little overtime, not that we tend to get much, but the wee bit we've gotten does indeed make it easier and without it, there will be a little tension in making ends meet. There will also be a few expenses connected with our daughter's graduation announcements, invitations,etc. We're looking at some car expenses and possibly a lawnmower repair if not replacement, so there's real reason to think things might well be tighter. I shall have to put my list of wants on hold I'm afraid, though I'd really like to have bought a few things for spring wardrobe, a new pair of sandals and a couple of items for the house.

I will try to return in a day or so with real goals for April listed. In the meantime, we're drifting, drifting, drifting...

Week 36 Day 1 - Inspired to DO

Hello there. I know I've been a long while between posts this go round and I do apologize. You see, I've been busy. Instead of just looking for inspiration I've been busy DO-ing inspiration. And this week I want to look forward to March and the inspirations that I can dream and live all over again.

I managed several goals from last month. I put money into savings...and turned and took it out again to cover two unexpected bills. Sigh. I guess I'm glad I had it to save in the first place, but it does seem a bit pointless when it must come right back out, lol.

I finished the seat cushion I'd put off finishing on the reupholstered chair because I was afraid it was going to be tough. And it was kind of hard at points. I had to lay it down and go away and think about it and come back to it. I didn't have the zipper needed, and I haven't made the time to get to the fabric store to buy one. But I do have it on the cushion and overall it looks very well.

My husband wanted to give a going away dinner for a young friend who was headed to bootcamp. For the past year I've been campaigning to move my dining table into the proper dining room, but my husband had been very resistant. However, the dinner party, small as it was to be, was the final shove in my battle. Unexpectedly, we were to add two more guests. I'd had quite enough of cramming eight grown adults around my dining table which was squeezed into the breakfast area. Even my husband saw that to continue to do so was silliness.

So the dining table got moved to the dining room. To have enough room for all our guests around the table was wonderful. And the table was fully extended with both leaves in place as well. My daughter quickly took charge of hanging my beautiful rooster pictures in the area.

I learned this month also to do power point slides, and to operate both the scan and copy features of my printer. All of that might sound simple enough, but honestly I was unable to figure this printer out. We've had it for well over a year and just to get the persnickety thing to print when asked is difficult enough. This month I managed to conquer the printer. As for the power point slides, I was asked to learn how to do these so that I might help with the music program at church. I was nervous about this, but I found it wasn't nearly so difficult as I feared. Frankly I felt very proud of myself for learning these new skills and for finally accomplishing two major projects in my home.

My 'play date' went very well. I was very nervous. Worried my needlessly about my acquaintance not understanding my physical limitations nor my silly little anxieties. However, she has a chronic illness and understood very well indeed. I had the pleasure of being taken through some beautiful country highways I've never before been on. Lovely old federal farmhouses abounded. I ended up completely enjoying the day.

I took advantage of a buy one get one free offer on Vitamin/Mineral products and got Vitamin D. I've been reading for several months now about the benefits of Vitamin D, when taken in doses as high as 2000mg per day. More and more reports show that it is a common factor in fatigue and pain in women, who seem to be the most deficient in this necessary vitamin. I have found that in just the few weeks I've been taking this supplement I am more energetic and feeling less brain fog than in many months past.

Goals for the coming month of March:

Of course, I want to put money into savings again. I cannot shake the feeling that for all the assurances our economy is improving that I should be taking every single opportunity to save. I've also determined to stick hard to my grocery budget of $450for the month. Last month I managed to save $30, coming in at $420.

I've gotten really bogged down in Exodus and Leviticus this month. I managed to finish both books, but I am not inline with the daily reading schedule at all. I will perservere. I have yet to begin the Names of G-d study I'd intended to do this year. I would like to begin that study this month, but I am finding all Old Testament a bit dry. I need to add Psalms or New Testament to it I think, if I don't begin the study I plan.

We've guests coming in the first part of this month to spend a week. I've been a little anxious about this visit, but in a good way. We will be meeting our youngest grandson for the first time. We're very much looking forward to this time. In fact, this visit is part of the reason why our savings is nonexistent this month. We bought a bed for the baby and an air mattress for his parents. I've borrowed a high chair, bought baby food, picked up baby blankets. I am prayerful the visit will be blessed.

I plan to buy St. Johns Wort which is supposed to help with anxiety, nervousness and help promote a good night of sleep as well. I wake frequently each night and sometimes have trouble falling asleep. I thought I'd try this supplement for a month or two, since the Vitamin D has appeared to be so very beneficial.

I'd like to tackle another UFO project: painting the unpainted cabinet in my bathroom.

I am currently searching the back issues of my Victoria magazines for inspiration. I will report on those inspirations a little later in the week.

Inspirations Gained

I promised last night to share the results of my search for inspiration. A motley assortment to be sure, but that's the way inspiration strikes me. No rhyme nor reason to it.

I used Victoria magazines, all February issues, for this search for inspiration. I have to tell you, I really enjoy the older issues, as predictable as they were. I mean, we KNEW every February it was going to be about roses...however, I found the later issues really offputting when they began putting prices on all the pages. At the time, I was having a hard time financially...To see how high the prices were on the items was really difficult for me. I felt I could never afford those items. Even now, when we're out of debt these items are still, for the most part, out of my reach. However, inspiration knows no price. And sometimes it isn't the cost of an item, it's achieving the same look for next to nothing.

Case in point: a lovely cool green-blue dining room with a beautiful crystal chandelier. The table was the show. It was covered with a simple white cloth, simple white ironstone dishes and deep emerald green crystal glasses. The centerpiece is what is so breathtaking. Two large savoy cabbages, a white ironstone platter with three cantaloupes and two purple plums(?) brown figs(?). Wow! Inspiration born and you know what? I CAN afford this! I have white damask cloth and napkins, deep green glasses (not crystal but mine will work), ironstone plates. I'm inspired to look more closely at the produce in my kitchen. And in the grocery store.

Now honestly, to me, this table has more to do with a summer look than a winter one. However, sometimes it's not a matter of looking only for inspiration for the current season. Sometimes we have to look ahead. Here's another inspiration for summer: Bare floors (this is the only time I regret having carpet), lace curtains, muslin slipcovers. Lace...It's such a feminine fabric isn't it? And for some reason, dotted Swiss came to mind. I'd love to have dotted Swiss at a window, too. Do they even make dotted Swiss any longer?

So that's two inspirations. Here are a few more thoughts/inspirations I got while looking through these wonderful magazines. I won't bore you with every one I came up with (36,by the way) but just try to give you a cross section of the ideas that floated through.

February issues/Valentines: It's a gimme on that too. I had several ideas of things I'd like to do to for my family and friends. Some involved handmade items, some store bought. I often have paper doilies on hand this time of year to use in handmade Valentines or to display treats. Here's an idea I haven't had: Cut out the center of a doily and use the 'lace' to mat a photo or picture...

Food ideas: Lemon/raspberry fillings in a white cake with lemon frosting
Jellies and jams: Apple rosemary, apple cider marmalade, ginger pear butter...would love to make my own 'speciality' jams and jellies. Why not pair apple cider, apple slices and chicken? Tangerine filling in coconut cake. Tangerine syrup over pecan pancakes...

Authors to check out: Susan Minot, Rumer Godden (A House with Four Rooms), Rita Dove (The House that Jill Built), poet Marianne Moore. Was Emma Balfour's civil war diary published?

Artist/Designers to look up: Henri Le Sidaner, Childe Hassan. Claire Murray online? Rose Cumming room designs, old photos online?

Flowers: White roses in grey/taupe vase. White roses in milk glass. Bright primroses planted in pretty china cups (cracked will do fine for this)

Garden plants: Are cyclamens hardy to Zone 8? Snowdrop bulbs. Best for naturalization: Galanthus Nivalus, look for 'Barbara's Double' as well.

Tablesetting: Wintertime Cozy: Tapestry/Challis cloth, warm colored china rimmed in gold, Red pears and nuts in a rusty iron looking bowl (I have something similar I just took out to the shed), horn handled flatware (saw some at the antique store the other day very reasonable)...

And that is how I get inspired. What about you?

Week 33/Day 7 A New Year of Sorts

Today I turned 51. I've had a very easy day of it, truly I have. It's suited me perfectly to rest and read. What am I reading? I am stuck on reading a blog from first post to the most recent. I am enthralled in the life of a girl who has more opportunities and heartaches than the average soul. I am caught up in the drama and trauma of a life not mine. Mind you I am not jealous. I know just why she blogs. I know why I blog. I am almost certain the reasons are the same. Her blog is wildly popular and why not? Her life is like the best/worst of things, a sort of Truman reality show that fascinates.

So why do I blog? Penny Ann was my writing exercise, my opportunity to hone the craft of writing and at the same time to be both a mentor to myself and to others who might not have the same knowledge of frugal homemaking that I've had. Blogging there kept me accountable, put me on my toes frugally speaking.

Blogging here is more about who I am aside from the part of me that is most definitely Penny Ann. The point was to be 'real'. What I've discovered is that in the blogging world, even with few readers, it's best to keep a certain amount of our lives private. The same thing that is true of spoken words is true of the written word. Say what you like, words can hurt and wound and do damage. Even if the forum in which you use them allows you to return and edit out the hurtful things, damage can still be done. I've found that I can't be as real as I'd like. There are things I'd like to say, thoughts I'd like to write out, but simply can't. There are things best left to journals. Secrets best not told anywhere except in confessions between God and I.

There are things I've shared that I sometimes wish I hadn't. I come across whiny and complaining and sounding petty. There are relationships I've written about that I feel disloyal for sharing and yet I share anyway, because I know that it's unlikely anyone in my family will read or report and others that I'd like to write out my angst about but don't dare and I am a little angry that I am imprisoned.

Writing is my solace, my way of letting off steam. I formerly used a journal. And now I think I'll return to that form of writing because frankly blogging isn't sufficient.

I didn't keep a journal until I was 13 years old. I began my journal and writing poetry at the same time. Writing saved me, it truly did. But I was hindered. You see, my parents thought absolutely nothing of invading my privacy and reading my journal. Fine, I understand that parents might do so in order to try and figure out what is going in their child's life, especially at that stage when you're a pre-teen and beginning to separate yourself from childhood. The trouble was that my parents quoted back whole passages of my journal at the dinner table, often in front of guests and harangued me about opinions, thoughts and dreams they thought were rebellious, undesirable or which misrepresented themselves in some way. I learned to get very clever about writing my real thoughts out in poems they couldn't interpret nor comprehend. And I learned to hide my journal in largely inacessible places that took some doing to get into.

When I married I was relieved to finally have my thoughts to myself, or so I thought. It didn't take long to discover that my husband was of my parents ilk. Quoting lines back to me at the dinner table no less. Accusing me of myriad things that he'd determined based on his own thougth processes and interpretation of what I wrote. Back to hiding for me.

It wasn't until after my divorce that I finally felt I could write in complete freedom. By this time however, my life was a shambles. Writing was too painful. Cursory entries only were made. And then I met the love of my life. Too tired from love and baby and children and job to write. I realized that I didn't quite trust this man to allow me the freedom to journal, to have private thoughts.

It took a little while to allow the full flow of my hurts/angers/distrust/resentments/angsts to flow onto the page. It was sooooo cathartic. Sometimes the pages got ugly ugly. Sometimes the pain was so great that I was too horrified by the rawness to read it. My husband proved trustworthy. My private thoughts remained private and secret, but I eventually found it necessary to destroy several years of those journals. There was too much pain, too much hurt and I was too ready to be over it all and move on with my life.

And then there came newsletters and blogs and I finally got a little tired of writing, so that I seldom broke out the journal at all. My current journal might see an entry once a month or six weeks.

This week, reading the messiness of the blogger's life that I've found so enthralling, I've missed my journaling. I've missed the opportunity to be naked on the page, letting it all hang out, reporting the things that thrilled me beyond words, that hurt me beyond measure, thoughts that might be unworthy but which floated through my brain. Sloughing off of little resentments and big. I've missed the opportunity to be myself.

So why did I begin writing here in the first place? Because I wanted pretty much what we all want. I wanted to find out if others felt they way I sometimes do. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in this world, as a frustrated writer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a woman with sometimes difficult personal relationships, as a dreamer. And you know what? I'm not. There are so many of us out here that it's important to acknowledge we are there for one another. But it's not enough at the same time.

All that to say this. I miss journaling. It's a more personal forum than blogging. And I need it. I need to write poetry once more. I need to return to my writing roots once again. I am not giving up blogging. Not here nor at Penny Ann. I am still inspired. This is just a further inspiration and one that I needed to figure out, which is what happened today on my way through a fellow blogger's ups and downs.

I did get my closet cleared out and organized. Step 2 is figuring out how to make it pretty as well as functional.

If I can get time tomorrow I'll share some of the things that are inspiring me this month, courtesy a stack of old Victoria magazines.