Changes

As I was writing the previous post I was thinking about change and how it affects us. There are the changes we can't help, created by weather, another person, circumstances over which we have no control. Change in that light is not always a positive thing, though often it does bring about blessings that we'd never have seen otherwise.

I think it's these unsolicited times of change that makes us leery of creating changes in our lives. We all tend to settle in to the same old ruts and be content...Well most of us. There are a few who are so addicted to change they never learn to be content, but that's another matter altogether.

Anyway, as I wrote the post I was thinking about changes that were not forced but desired, which were brought about by prayer and desire and will and what resulted from those changes. I can easily recall four major changes I made in my life and all turned out positively, though each required a struggle all their own.

Change #1: I changed my outward presentation of myself. For years during my first marriage, I gained weight. A lack of money didn't afford new clothing nor was I able to get to the sort of stores that sold affordable clothing in my size. So I did without. No such thing as internet shopping, no thrift stores in our area, etc. I had sewn for myself growing up, but I was never taught to cut the clothing out and didn't know how to make allowances or take in items so they fit properly. Someone else had always done that for me. I was also painfully shy and spent too much time alone. It didn't really matter what I looked like when no one could see me, did it?

One day as I was picking up my oldest daughter from kindergarten, I happened to see myself through someone else's eyes. I didn't like what I saw in the least. Slippers (not ballet, bedroom, and yes I know!), rumpled shirt, uncombed hair, no makeup...I looked pretty awful. And that was more often than not typical of how I went about. I looked around me at the other moms, the teachers and thought, "I need to change how I look." That day I made up my mind to change my appearance the best that I could.

First I did something stupid. Isn't that how most self-propelled changes start out? With a mistake? I borrowed a car, drove to the nearest city and used my credit card to purchase $100 worth of makeup and skin care items. (See, I told you it was stupid. But we learn from mistakes and I learned, so it wasn't a lost opportunity). I spent hours before the mirror arranging my hair and learning to apply makeup properly. I developed a skin care routine that made my skin a lot healthier. I began doing regular manicures and pedicures at home.

I had at the time two outfits: two pairs of pants each with a matching blouse. That was it. I had to find a $5 pair of shoes because up until that point I had bedroom slippers and flip flops, period.
(Yes, looking back I see where I might have been better to blow $100 on clothes and decent shoes. I didn't see it then.) I washed one set and wore the other, every single day. I got up each morning and ironed and starched my blouse, fixed my hair and put on my makeup. When I walked out of the door each morning and afternoon I looked nice. It took effort. It meant changing my former patterns. It meant a little work and a little scrimping to pay off that credit card. But that change precipitated other changes.

When I was out in public or at the school, people began to see the outward appearance and to speak to me. As people responded positively to me, I began to be less shy and more confident. Soon I was asked to volunteer at the school, which led to friendships, which lead to a job and volunteer work in a community organization and that led to more friendships and community recognition. All because I finally woke up and saw how important it is that we present ourselves well, not just to the public but to ourselves. I didn't have a bit more money (less in fact ) when I'd made the changes, but those small changes made a huge difference in my life.

Change #2. I developed a close friendship with another girl. Like me, she was overweight and very unhappy about it. Like me, she was a compulsive eater. We alternately dieted and overate.

We decided about two years into our friendship to go on a diet together. We did very well. I lost over 40 pounds, she lost a little more than I. However, we didn't change why we overate. So the first time we got hurt (and it was mutual hurt. A viscious person made some very unkind remarks publicly about us and we were humiliated when others laughed), we immediately returned to our compulsive habits.

We went back to her house and alternately sobbed and baked every goody we'd done without the previous three months. Lemon cake, chocolate cake, pecan crescent cookies, brownies...Midway through our 'feast' I suddenly grew disgusted with us both. I tossed my plate full of goodies into the trash and told my friend I was done with it all. She thought I meant the plate. I meant the compulsive overeating which had been ongoing for years, the alternate dieting and the return to overeating, the guilt over food, the whole hateful pattern of binge and purge and start over again. I ate when I was hurt, lonely, depressed, angry. I ate too much and then after binges, I'd purge and eat more.

What followed was a seven year struggle to overcome my compulsive behavior. I initially replaced some of my former eating with drinking. Not a good substitute. Thankfully I nipped that before it became alcoholism. I substituted other behaviors equally destructive. You see, I only knew how to numb pain with things. Shopping, drinking, being too busy, and other destructive behaviors were tried and eventually stopped.

Finally I began to find answers. I was the child of an alcoholic and my role in the co-dependent cycle of our family played a huge part in my desire to mask pain with destructive behavior. I was in a very unhappy, non-supportive marriage. No matter what I did to try and positively affect the marriage, I ended up with the same bad marriage. I learned to recognize my own feelings for what they were and to get to the root of them rather than try to mask them. I learned to speak up and to speak out. I still struggle with that part today.

During that seven year period I not only regained the weight I'd previously lost, I gained more besides. But I finally got to the root of my compulsive behavior and was able to stop it. I won't tell you it's gone totally from me. I'm just like anyone who smoked or was an alcoholic. There are days when I'd happily sit down and try to eat away my sorrows, frustration or hurt. I've learned that I have to avoid certain foods or bring them home in very limited quantities. Some foods I won't eat at all anymore. I can't. It's just that simple.

I've learned what I can do when I feel overwhelmed with feelings: I can journal, clean house, talk it out with my husband, pray. I do all these things and not necessarily in that particular order.

Change #3: I learned to let go of destructive relationships. This was particularly hard. I'd gone from being an extremely shy, introverted person to a woman with a lot of close friendships. However, a lot of those relationships were destructive. One friend manipulated and lied and bullied me no end. Another was an alcoholic who continually put herself in situations that she needed to be rescued from. There were still ongoing issues in my family with alcohol, etc. My first husband was also addicted to various things, some physical and some chemical. I had to come to terms with all of these relationships that were hurting me and determine which I could live with and which I could live without.

I learned what real love means and it isn't never having to say you're sorry nor giving until you're beyond endurance and then coughing up a bit more, nor putting up with stuff until you no longer feel the hurt. I learned to love myself enough to believe that I deserved better than I was receiving. I learned to love my children enough to know that I wanted to break the destructive cycles in our lives and teach them how to live better lives.

Obviously my family relationships were lifelong, regardless of my desire to run away, but I could limit my contact due to distance. I struggled a long time with my friends until finally I realized that I couldn't go on any further. I went through years of counseling to try and change the marriage I had. I walked away from both friendships and marriage. I'm not sorry I made those choices for myself. I was sorry to see the hurt my children suffered, but they too eventually realized that destruction isn't worth the price you pay to stay involved in an addictive relationship.

Change #4: I finally acknowledged and reached for my real dreams. I've wanted to be a writer for all my life. Just as some people will tell you they always wanted to be a doctor or a nurse or a teacher or a pilot, writing was my dream. I've been writing in some form for as long as I can remember, even before I knew how to form letters and create sentences, I was 'writing'.

I had other dreams, too. I wanted a home of my own. Mine. Not a rental, not a home that belonged to someone else.

I wanted a real marriage with a good man.

I wanted to be a full time mom and wife and homemaker.

For years and years, I was told that I was wasting my time, wasting paper, dreaming too big, wanting too much, could never afford it,didn't deserve it, was too stupid, too fat, etc etc. Lots of discouragement from lots of sources from professionals to friends and family. But you know what? I wanted it all anyway.

I can't claim that all the realization of my dreams was all my doing. I did have to make some changes in my life, in my head, in my heart, to receive them. But my husband and children and this home are dreams come true. And once I'd realized I had two out of four,I began to actively seek ways to make the other two mine as well.

First, I found a way to manage our income so that I could be a fulltime mom and wife and homemaker. The first two years were pretty hairy, let me tell you. We were technically 'poor' and there were times we were discouraged as everything about ever managing to live on one income. But we did. It took both of us working in our own ways, me on the homefront and DH at a job. On my side, I can manage pennies like crazy. Chance takes care of the dollars, such as they are. (Thats where the inspiration for Penny Ann(and) Poundwise came in by the way).

Second, I acknowledged my desire to write and signed up for a series of free online writing courses. This series of classes were an experiemental online project started by a profressor of writing at a German college with a grant from her school. No credits for those of who took them, but what a wonderful resource! I not only got feedback, I got exactly the kind of feedback I needed most: positive and critical from a professional source. I took classes with this group for a bit over two years. (Last I heard, some five years ago the same classes were being offered as off campus classes to paying students only. I could never have taken them at the time if money had been required. )

One day while researching a project piece, I discovered that our teacher had been posting our work to a public forum. Not a paid forum, but a public one, giving each of us copyright credit for our work. I was astounded to read my work on that board and I bless the day I stumbled upon it because it broke the ice for me once and for all. If I was already published on the world wide web, why hold back? If I hadn't heard a string of negativity related to my work, then why was I so afraid to be out there?

I began to seek out other venues and submitted work. I won a few online writing contests, gathered a public audience, worked on three or four ezines as a regular contributor, which in turn led to a number of small publishing houses picking up some of my work and printing it and eventually led to publication in two Chicken Soup books.

And eventually, because writing is for me a compelling force, I began to publish my own online newsletters and blogs.

Why all the autobiographical stuff today? Because this challenge of creating change in my life for the coming 66 weeks (what's left of my 70 week Inspired Life challenge) sometimes seems a bit overwhelming to me. I needed to remind myself of what I can do when I put my mind to it, even when it's a struggle. I needed to remind myself that I can make positive changes in my life if I don't give up and persevere. I needed to inspire myself today by looking back at where I've been so that I can glimpse the end goal of this whole project. And maybe along the way, I've encouraged someone else who might want to create her own changes.