June Looms and I'm Making Plans

I was just reading back over previous posts for the last three months.  Quite a lot of water under my personal bridge, lots of plans made and goals met.  Now it's the cusp of a new month and time to look at what goals I'd like to accomplish in June, as well as how I've progressed with the past month's goals.

First let's start with May.  The next series on the blog is begun, though it's a little behind at the moment.  I've started an article for that series but got side-tracked by little things like attending a meeting (that was cancelled) and turned into coffee with our friends, then a long weekend and leaving for our retreat.

We made the retreat trip this week.  We chose to return to St. Augustine and we are so glad we did.  It's just a place that feels like home to us and we've vowed we'll just plan to go back there and stop forcing ourselves to go other places, lol!  We just relax immediately in that area because we know it well, we're familiar enough with the town to find what we need and just unfamiliar enough to still be surprised by it.  The retreat itself was cathartic.  I didn't really spend lots of time in Bible study this time.  I spent lots of time with my nose in a book, a book I could barely stand to put down.  Peony in Love   by Lisa Lee.  The author's work is very mystic and deep and absorbing.  Loved it.  I plan to send it on to my oldest daughter, who I am sure, will love it as much as I did.

My adventure to the mall was a huge HUGE disappointment.  Turned out the mall was basically empty.  sigh.  Well I went, I saw, and while I might not have conquered at least I kept my word to myself. 

The new series on the blog opened up quite accidentally when my young friend sent a panicked email regarding running a household on a budget and with only one income.  She's always been employed and while she may have some work to do from home, the majority of the financial burden will be her husband's.  "How do I keep house and make a home?"  she wailed...And so Homemaking 101 was born as the new series.

I went to the financial source of the household and laid out my desire for a pretty yard...I probably couldn't have chosen a worse Spring to start this project, but you start where you are.  It's been very very dry, as in high alert for wild fires sort of dry and no grass to mow sort of dry.  Thankfully no expensive plantings have been done.  John suggested I hire help, namely our youngest son.  When I approached youngest he said he'd happily come once a week for the cost of a homemade meal and gasoline money down.  Thankfully his dad said I could pay him a wee bit more than that.  We've trimmed trees, spread some mulch, done some minor planting, dug up loads of things that are mostly being discarded and that's just three weeks worth of work.

My back deck project is coming along okay.  I pulled a glider out of hiding that had been sadly neglected and ignored and discovered that the 'broke' part was a missing bolt and nut.  Ok!  That means I have seating for the cost of a can of spray paint (or two) and the time it will take to dig out a nut and bolt from the jar where we keep them.  I have pillow covers made and just need inserts to go in them.  This week I hope to tackle the painting of the furniture and planning how to place it all so that it makes sense and looks nice.

My guest bedroom project is in progress.  I have materials to fashion curtains and an idea for a cute arrangement on the wall and a color scheme in mind (cottage style).

I managed a new look for the master bedroom and on a dime at that.  I am well pleased, have plenty more fabric to do a bit more work with.

I at least started the clean up of the living room clutter but haven't finished it as of yet.

I stuck hard to a lowered grocery budget last month and did very well, managing both stocking up and lowering that bottom line.  I was pleased as punch over that, too.  Chance has continued to work extra shifts twice a month which has meant a nice cushion for us and we've done well with savings and doing repairs without using any savings at all (or very rarely).  That's been a nice thing and allows for a sense of security.

So that was last month....What's ahead for June?

I want to finish the started projects (many, oh so many, lol).  Get guest room curtains made and paint the side table and look for something to make a headboard from.  I have an idea that will be cheap enough and should look more than nice.  Just a matter of getting all the stuff together to do it.

Put the top coat of paint on the vanity in the guest bath.  It was primed months ago.  I'm ashamed, really I am.

Make more shams and valances for master bedroom.

Put more paint on the front door.  It's 100F outside for heavens' sake, surely it will dry in record time?

Plants for front porch, mostly bloomers and toss the plants that are well past prime.  And two pretty pots of plants for either side of the doorsteps there.

Paint deck furniture.  Get deck arranged.  (Planters there are looking pretty good.  I might add one or two more pots of plants but if not we'll get by with what we have).

Chance is actually thinking he might not work extra shifts this coming month, or just one at most.  Suits me.  I've been a Sunday widow since January.  To that end, I want to be careful with our spending.  We should have a little extra cash here and there due to that third pay period this month which works out over a six week period where we have a bill that we might not have to pay or can spread out a little longer to pay.  I want to be sure we have that extra to offset his not working OT so he doesn't feel he must work extra all the time.

I have a list of new projects I'd like to start but I think it best if I finish the ones I've got underway first.  I feel I accomplished a great deal this past month and heaven knows I was B-U-S-Y, all month long.  Seemed like the last two weeks before our retreat I just couldn't stop going and I was weary beyond words when I'd quit each night.

One area I do want to touch upon this month is figuring out a way/time/place to have more God in my life. I have been reading my daily Bible, but it's been more just reading and hurrying through at that.  I want to spend a little time each day in study, prayer and praise, not just rush through or pray by rote.  I've plenty of study materials here on hand.  I need to just choose one and DO it.

If indeed John is home a bit more I'd like to have a date or two with him on his two off weeks.  I thought we might invite friends over for dinner and grill out, or perhaps go off to visit that museum he so wanted to see last June over at Ft. Benning.

Kate's to come home sometime this next month.  I hope it is a good visit for her, as the last one was.  She's had quite a struggle this year and I'd like to think she can relax and be young and have fun a bit here.

For myself, I plan to lighten up.  I have tended to hide a lot of my grief over situations I can't change and have no control over.  Chance and I had a long long talk one night and I realized that letting myself talk it out now and then  isn't complaining or whining or being a victim.  It's just letting go of things that hurt and moving on. 

And so we sail into June...

P.O.ed

I need to write something, out loud so to speak, in a public (sort of) place.  I have had the most awful time of late controlling my temper.  I haven't let anyone else know how angry I am.  I don't show it much.  You'd have to know me very very well to even see that I was a little bit angry.  No, no one would likely know it, but I do. I learned a long long time ago how to smother anger, how to step aside from hurt and rejection and keep on going.  Here of late, things keep coming up, bubbling up to the surface in a viscous sort of brew that is thick and soupy and refuses to succumb to lowered heat, to a good stirring.  Boiling away under the surface all the time these days. 

I stew.  I sulk.  I rage when no one is around, but only within, never out loud.  I say everything is fine when it isn't.  I weep.  I find myself at the most inopportune times feeling as though I'd like to snap: break things and beat something to a pulp and scream and be hateful to someone, anyone.  When that urge passes, I am covered in a dark cloud of depression that comes and goes, and comes and goes, much like clouds in a Spring sky.

Gracious!  You might well ask what on earth has me so upset?  What little thing or big has happened in my life of late to wreak such havoc in my emotional equilibrium? WHO caused such angst and anger?

I could point a finger at this person and that and the next one and two more besides, but mostly, I am angry at one person.  Me.  Myself. 

In the last post I shared a dream I'd had, where I refused to keep someone's junk in my home any longer.  That dream is the direct result of someone close who continually dumps her rage and grief and anger in my lap and then refuses to hear my own protests against such treatment.  I was so proud of myself after that dream.  Following hard on the heels of the dream, I  listened to a program, caught just the last five minutes really, about unforgiveness.  How repetitive dreams might well be about unforgiveness....And then the man said something about doors needing to be opened instead of locked shut....

This is a repetitive dream I've had for years upon years now.  I'm standing at a door or window, afraid while someone or something rages outside and I am desperately trying to lock out the thing I fear, even though I can see how inadequate a barrier I have, such as a window in the midst of a screened wall or a door in the middle of an open area.  Still I am busily working away at that lock, shoving that door/window shut with all my might and struggling to keep that rage outside at bay.

Maybe it was just the right time, the right words in the right season, but after hearing that program I asked God, "What would happen if I opened that door/window in my dream?  What if I stopped shutting things out and stopped the fear and the struggle?"

Well.  Apparently I'll bump hard against my anger over a variety of things in a million little moments and I'll have to face the hurt, the fear, the rage, the fear of rejection and the whatever is attached to that THING that is lurking outside that flimsy barricade.  That flimsy barricade turns out to be the facade I put up pretending I'm not mad, I'm not hurt, I'm not walking wounded through the world.

For the first week, I was in such physical pain it was unreal.  I'd be sitting here writing or reading and suddenly I'd be nearly bent double in agony, my skin crawling with an ache that seemed to run along veins and nerve endings.  It was an anxiety attack of a sort I'd not experienced in years.  To read of anyone's pain, to hear of a hurt someone suffered or I imagined they were feeling, was enough to trigger this pain of my own.  I was exhausted all of the time.  I couldn't get enough sleep. And then last week along about Tuesday I began to spout and spew and weep over this and that, things that are inconsequential.  Or so I thought, until my anger came raging up and out, growing and growing and rolling over the edges. 

A forgotten task I'd requested be done caused one such episode. I saw it suddenly as disrespect, a lack of caring, an attitude of inattentiveness.   A passive aggressive act of anger towards me. A  drive along a country road awoke anger over another hurt.  A broken appliance, a prayer I didn't care for the wording of, a moment of fear spied in someone I love, whining...anger just wouldn't be held at bay any longer. 

And grief.  Grief spewed up too, like so much acid reflux.  Anger is a natural part of grief did you know that?  I must be at the primo stage of grief then.  Grief over my lack of contact with my oldest girl, with my inability to see my grandchildren, at losing Granny in segments through Alzheimer's, at Mama's aging and idiosyncrasies, at my own aging, over things I'll never have the opportunity to rectify because they weren't second chance sorts of things. 

Then self loathing for allowing others to hurt me in ways I oughtn't to have been vulnerable to, for accepting bad treatment as 'good enough' because I felt I didn't deserve better, nor ask for it either; for the sometimes unintentional wallowing in sin I do in my thinking and the sharp brunt hurt of realizing I sometimes intentionally sin; for the many opportunities I let slip rather than dare to stand up and be brave and confrontational.

And depression.  I've read many times that anger is depression turned inward.  I sat here yesterday wondering if I should seek counseling once more, if we could possibly afford mental health clinic since I have no health insurance, or perhaps increase the St. John's Wort?  Because in the past two weeks I've felt more depression than I've felt in many many years.

All of this: anxiety, anger, self-loathing, depression has been shut away.  Not discussed with anyone.  Journaled about only partially because I wouldn't even be fully truthful in my journal about the extent of my loss of peace and equilibrium.  I've not even told my husband...nor God, though He surely knows all about it.  He sees it all and understands it and is no doubt there directing me through this time, but I've not talked to Him about it.  I've not turned to Him for solace or help or understanding.

I'm not keeping it buckled down, caged up or shoved away behind an inadequate facade door anymore. The door is wide open. This is what's inside.

It's time to open up.  No need to reveal the ways in which I was hurt (rightly or wrongly), for that would only cause a disturbance in lives that are frankly going blissfully along thinking all is well in their world, but certainly time to say I am Pissed.  P.O.ed.  Angry.  Spitting mad.  A towering inferno.  At melting point.  Livid.  Mad!  I'm tired of stifling anger.  I'm tired of denying my own feelings and keeping them tamped down nice and neat.  I'm tired of accepting barely good enough when I deserve so much more.  I'm tired of grieving quietly alone because others are uncomfortable, embarrassed, inconvenienced or simply don't know what to do with my pain.  Get over it.  I'm hurting.  I need to vent about it.  I need to TELL someone that right here is a big OW!  I bloody well hurt.

So this evening, as I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes (oh great oracle for thinking that sink!), I thought about this post and what I'd written.  Over the past few months, my husband has asked me several times if there were any unforgiveness in my life. It was a prayer based question and fair and honest.  I'd deny each time that there was anything.  I remembered suddenly the scripture in Matthew 5:21-25.

21“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’^d 22But I say, if you are even angry with someone,^e you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot,^f you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone,^g you are in danger of the fires of hell.^h

23“So if you are presenting a sacrificeⁱ at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

25“When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly. Otherwise, your accuser may hand you over to the judge, who will hand you over to an officer, and you will be thrown into prison. 26And if that happens, you surely won’t be free again until you have paid the last penny.^j

This evening when my husband came in I told him how difficult these past few weeks have been, from the night of the dream until  I stood at the sink.  I told him I'd been guilty of unforgiveness, of holding onto anger against him and I told him I needed to forgive him, but I also needed his forgiveness.  It doesn't matter what he did or when.  It truly doesn't.  This is not about stirring up past hurts but acknowledging that they were there, that I needed to free myself of this emotion, that I would accept the responsibility in the future of letting him know when I felt hurt or grieved or angered if he were responsible for those feelings. 

I can't have this same closure with others in my life, but it's important that I do this with John.  It's part of the trust we have in our marriage.   He graciously accepted my forgiving him and then he forgave me for holding aught against him...That's the way it should be.  Thank You Lord, for this man in my life. 

I won't be able to have the same great results in all cases.  I can't change circumstances as they stand.  I'm not able to confront all the people who have caused me to harbor anger.  But I am grateful for the revelations that have led me to this place tonight.

Looking Ahead

My mind has been going in ninety different directions of late.  Some goal centered, some one day sort of dreams and some just plain whole new existence sort of thoughts.  Not that I have am expressing boredom with my life of late, not at all.

I thought with Kate gone from home, I'd find myself doddling about half bored...Not true!  I'm busier than ever and honestly have a hard time, a VERY hard time, determining what I shall do next as opposed to "Oh what shall I do?".  This is fun.  Do I miss my girl?  I miss her, I sure do.  I miss all the kids to be honest, as all of them lead full and busy lives of their own, but I've discovered my mother's heart and mind is never turned too far from them.

This winter was very beneficial in many ways, if only to point up the sheer volume of creative expression that was apparently waiting just below the surface for the right time and place to allow it to bloom.  So much creative expression that I often forget about writing, which is really where I do want to focus a portion of my time and attention. 

And I'm coming into my own once more.  One of my goals this year was to be more spontaneous, more adventuresome.  I seem to be doing that just fine thank you.   Who knew?  In fact, I've a field trip planned for the coming week when I shall do one of my mall runs.  I'm going to go to the city for this mall run and do nothing but window shop, people watch and jot down notes, take pictures and sketch out creative ideas that occur.  I expect my home and person as well as my wardrobe and writing to be inspired still further by this trip.  I haven't done this in a couple of years time and it's passed time to do it once more.

Two incidents this past week really pointed up to me how independent I am becoming.  I was telling Kate about an idea I'd had to decorate my bedroom.  Mind you now this design inspiration is born as much out of financial lack as it is of desire to have new.  Kate let it be known that she thoroughly loathed the idea.  Later as I was making my bed, I thought with regret of my idea and suddenly it hit me:  I was letting an 18 year old girl who'd just strung fairy lights in her house dictate my style?  Whoa, back up, let's go back to the design inspiration. 

The second thing was a dream of a very dominant person in my life, someone who has had a center amount of control over me for too many years.  In the dream I was dismayed to find my home cluttered with things.  I saw the person and said, "This is yours, why don't you take home with you?" and each time she would refuse.  I finally got fed up and said "I don't want your junk in my life anymore.  Take it with you or I'll toss it out!"  So I began picking up items and if she refused them, I threw them with all my force onto the ground where they shattered.  I woke up chuckling!  How powerful I felt, how free.  It was most definitely a dream of value to me and has made me very aware that I am no longer the person I once was.

Those thoughts aside here's where my mind's been of late:

Blogging.  I'm about to wind up with my second series of the year on PennyAnnPoundwise...No clue where I'm going next.  I'd thought to revive one or two features but one of those ideas is just not inspiring me at the moment.  Perhaps the series was truly finished the first time through.  The other I think is something I really need to do, as much for my own sake as for others and this time I shall try to be far more accurate with it: A Year of Savings.

Why the return interest in that series?  Because I need to see if the savings I generate is truly netting us the same as if I worked outside the home...  I think it is, but in this day of rising costs and nonexistent raises I need the reminder and I think it would be beneficial to another whole generation of bloggers who are now coming to my audience.  I don't know just how I'll approach it this time.  I don't want to focus on nothing but A Year of Savings and forgo other posts...lots of thinking to do there.

Stockpiling.  I've begun a second pantry where I hope to stock up still further.  This while cutting down on my grocery expenses mind you.  Well the two do go hand in hand.  My desire is to have 6-12  months of non-perishable food items on hand, plus household needs (toiletry, personal care, cleaning, pets).  Why?  I don't know, it's just something I feel strongly will benefit us over time.  Then we'll have stock to rotate when items do go on sale and to carry us whne they are not on sale.  It's a sort of bottom line pantry really where I purchase at the lowest possible price.

To Do list.  In our home there are myriad little jobs that really need to be done that we have shamefully put off far too long.  Like a new pump house roof and repairing the ice maker on my new fridge and refacing our windows and moving some bedding plants that have grown out of bounds.  Just little things that are good stewardship overall and not expensive but just complicated and tough enough that we've put them off.  We'll either fix them ourselves or hire the jobs out as a bulk repair to bring things up to snuff once more.

There's also yard work that I've been trying to get done for years now.  Trouble is I can't do it on my own as it's all proven to be just too much for me alone.  Chance truly doesn't have time to help even if he were interested, which he isn't.  However, he's given me leave to hire our son to come once a week and do some heavy yardwork tasks as well as permission to spend a very little bit of money on materials (not much by any means but I'll take what I can beg).  I think I can make the place look landscaped on a dime anyway, what with good perennials passed along from others, a handful of seeds and a purchased plant or two.  The bulk of my money spent will go into mulch, bordering material and labor.

Retreat.  The nature of my husband's job is such that it is truly necessary that he get away.  His boss knows this and insists that he takes time off next month.  I've been very careful this year to set aside a bit of money whenever we had extra and have now paid all but $23 for the first retreat we'll go on this year.  It's all planned and I'm excited about it. I think he is, too.  I plan a second such retreat later in the year and will be starting that fund as soon as I've got the last of bit of this first trip socked away. 

Adventure.  There's a possibility that I'll be going out to California late this year when my son and his wife have their baby.  I told Chance it will be an adventure but I don't consider it vacation and he needn't either.  There'll be a two year old and possibly twins to keep me occupied as well as a post surgery mama, two dogs, a house to clean and mouths to feed.  Definitely not a vacation!  I'm not counting chickens yet, though.  I know too well that many things can change plans set that far in advance but I am mentally preparing myself for the challenge should it prove do-able.

Finances.  I shouldn't have postponed this but I did: figuring our budget for the second quarter of this year.  I'm glad I did on the one hand (who knew gas prices were going to rocket?) and sorry on the other (there's a hard road ahead if things go as they say and I wish I were better prepared).  The bottom line is this: to do all I hope to do this year, and just plain live, will take some fancy financial footwork.  I refuse to give up eating (one scenario) having grown rather fond of meals at regular times, but know that the grocery budget is always the number one place to start trimming if you really want to balance a budget.  For the first time in years I can say honestly that I'm not just sure how I shall manage if things go along as they claim they will but I'm determined to do it all the same.  Things have been heaps worse and we stayed afloat and will now as well.  In the meantime, I'm renewing my acquaintance with all things FRUGAL and Thrifty.

Home Interior.  Clutter...It seemed cozy all winter long mind you, but now it seems cluttered and so I shall be toning down colors, removing knickknacks, unfeathering my nest so to speak and at the same time striving for a cool, calm, personal space.   Thankfully I have some materials on hand for slipcovers, can easily acquire more as it's inexpensive  as well and for the most part the look depends not upon purchases but cleaning and clearing and putting away for now, then bringing back just a few pieces here and there.  More labor than money required.

In other areas all that is needed is a bit of paint, a pair of twin sheets in white (for window covering) and a potted plant or two. 

So those are the paths my thoughts have taken of late, a sort of loose set of goals meant to be accomplished over the next few months time.

Faith Stretch

We had disappointing news today about an outcome we'd hoped for...the sort of thing that you try not to get your hopes up about, but do anyway and then find yourself swallowing back a big lump in your throat when you realize it isn't going to happen.  I can't reveal more, but suffice it to say that it wasn't a life crisis and we'll get over it but yes, it was most definitely a disappointment of some proportion.

We've talked a lot off and on about it, each expressing how disappointed we are, but careful too, to acknowledge the many blessings we've received in the past week alone, as well as the answered prayers we've seen manifested in our lives over the last few months. 

Honestly we don't believe God let us down.  We don't know the reason behind what happened but we believe it will come right in the end.  We both acknowledged the answered prayers, the blessings we've received and that was important for many reasons.  It reminded us that our God is faithful.  It reminded us in whom we trust.  We are more aware than ever that He is our source for all things.  But there can be no doubt that for a moment today our faith was stretched and stretched as we absorbed the news.  It was a time to choose in whom we'd believe.  We decided it was to be God our Father. 

A New Season

Gosh, I can't believe I've not written here since my birthday...I thought I'd better check in as the 'real me' once more, just so I don't lose myself in the PennyAnn identity.

So where am I?  I have experienced a great deal of peace after my tangled feelings this past year as God subtracted things from my life.  I think it's called 'acceptance'...but it's more than that really.  It's an acknowledgement that while He has seen fit to subtract a lot from my life, he's also narrowed my focus.  PennyAnn Poundwise isn't just a blog.  It's part of my mission.  My purpose in writing that blog is to teach others what I've learned over the years, what I'm learning still: how to live frugally and well.  How to make the most of what is at hand and make it as beautiful as it can be made.

I see Granny every few weeks.  She always knows me but begins to struggle for simple words about 20 minutes into a visit, and by the time I've been with her half an hour she often is delusional and rambling or she gives up in frustration and is mute.  The Assisted Living Center is a safe area for her now.  She likes the routine and the surety of that routine.

Katie has pretty much cut the apron strings.  She is dealing with issues of her own at present and it's been hard for me to not want to fix and repair for her.  I'm learning to let go of her, too, to strike that balance of loving her and letting her know I trust her to figure out her own life.  I am struggling with the part where I pray and believe in God's best for her life.

I'd been in prayer this past year for pictures of my North Dakota grandchildren.  At best we've had some fuzzy cellphone shots which were too unclear to really see the kids.  Recently Amie posted some good shots of the children and I printed them off.  Oh how they have grown!

John and I are now quite comfortable with each other.  We're enjoying this stage of newly found freedom in our lives.  Since we started our marriage with a house full of children, it's really been a bit of a stretch to figure out who we are without children who require full hands on active parenting.  We still have to remind ourselves now and then when we're about to deny ourselves a dinner out or later than usual evening that we can do as we please, there's no one waiting on us to come home. 

As well, I've been busy visiting antiques shops and thrift stores with a friend.  We've planned a number of day trips over the next few weeks, until summer heats up too much to be comfortable.  I so enjoy these excursions both for the company as well as for the opportunity to handle history.  I am reminded each time we go into an antique store of how much I love personal histories.

I've got a bazillion ideas of things I'd like to do in my yard, in my home, on my blog.  The craft room isn't getting as much of a work out as I'd planned but I've enjoyed the time I've allowed myself.  I need to be more consistent with that.  I know it's important to feed the creative side of myself but too often get caught up in the all work/no play trap.  I have to remind myself more often that play is just as important as sitting quietly, journaling and hard work.  Each has their own satisfaction and place in a creative life.

I feel better overall than I've felt in years.  I am beginning to feel I can actually do more. I credit the right combination of vitamins and minerals as well as the effects of eating more homemade foods and less additives and preservatives. 

So where am I headed? 

I have grand plans for my yard.  It's going to be a lot of hard work, require some time and financial sacrifices.  I just have to remember that as with all things I have to accomplish a little at a time, not all of it at once.  I think Granny was just about my age when she was widowed and she began to make her yards truly beautiful.  I'm getting some satisfaction this Spring from work I did last Spring.  Iris are blooming under the Faith tree, purple and white.  I haven't seen the purple or white iris bloom in years so to find that I'd moved some of each under this tree and that they have done well despite Maddie spending the entire past year lying upon them, lol, is nice.  I also had my first little bunch of daffodils bloom in that same small area. 

I want to do both flower and vegetable gardening as well as landscaping.  I think this year I shall concentrate on trying to  work on two areas of flower bed.  I'd also like to get some tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers planted.  These are all fairly easily grown plants for container gardening and though we've just loads of land here, I've no way at present to cultivate it.

I have focused more on journaling almost daily.  It's a wonderful way to let my mind run free, sort out problems, focus my attentions for the day.  I'm really glad that I renewed my committment to this tool.

I'm happy with PennyAnn blog at the moment, but there are lots of features I'd like to bring back to it.  I do get caught up in the day to day household things here.  I allow myself to be distracted by John and so I've got to work on that.  I'm always shocked to see that the week has passed and I've made only two posts when the opportunity was there to make four or five, or seven posts.  This is something I want to be more mindful of.

So gardening, crafting, journaling, housework, blogging, marriage, church, family, friends...Balance will be very important, as will rest, but I feel capable of doing it all right now and that is a great place to be in my life.
It definitely is feeling like a new season.

An Excused Absence

When my children were in school it was necessary whenever they were out to send a written note with them explaining why they weren't in school.  This went on their record as an 'excused absence'.  If I failed to send a note it was unexcused and they couldn't make up the work they'd missed.  So no grades for those days when they'd missed school, which hurt if they were not doing particularly well in that class.

This past week I began reading a Grace Livingston Hill book, Katharine's Yesterday.  The second story in that book is titled, "An Excuse for Christ" and deals with a new young pastor who has lost heart for his Wednesday night prayer meetings due to the low attendance.  Only three or four faithful old parishioner's show up.  Listening to his sister-in-law tell his wife how their Christian Endeavor group required 'excused absences' to remain a member, the pastor has the idea of trying something similar. 

The following Sunday he announces that anyone who doesn't attend the Wednesday night prayer meeting needs a written excuse stating why they couldn't come.  The church was very nearly full come the following Wednesday night because no one could think of a good excuse for not being there!

I was reminded of all this last Saturday when our Rabbi stated that our youngest member had called to state that he'd be unable to come due to a bad head cold...We appreciate this young man very much but he had no particular duty to perform last weekend other than to fill his spot of the pew.  I think it's admirable that he feels he must give a reason for his not being there and he always does.  I can't say that it's a habit of mine!  I'm far more inclined to just assume my reason for missing out on service is my own.

What if we made a habit of giving an excuse each time we needed to be out during our Sabbath day services?  What if we were graded only for those days when we had an excused absence?  What if we received a 'Zero' for every day we missed that wasn't excused?  What excuse do you think Christ would see as a valid reason for not being there?

Oh these are the questions I've struggled with over and over this week as I've thought of this young man's example.  I am sure there are valid excuses.  Gracious, we don't want to spread germs if we are ill.  And certainly there are days when we might be called away by family duties of importance, or work  (not everyone is able to skip the Sabbath day as a work day).  I believe there are even times when we just need to be alone with God at home and dwell with him without the distraction of family or order of service.  I think most pastors could understand that, but it certainly imparts a need to keep our word and actively seek out God doesn't it? 

But what about those lame excuses we give ourselves (and don't dare mention to anyone else!) of wanting to sleep in, wanting to 'have fun for a change', etc.? 

What if we stopped and asked God if our absence might be excused first?  Wouldn't that be a radical thing to do?  To ask God where He might want us to be?

I think this young man has given me a great deal to think about in the future when I think I don't need to be present in my congregation's service.
What about you?  Will your absence be excused?

Happy Personal New Year to Me...

It's my birthday today and I've been giving a bit of thought to a few things in the past few hours...

I am 52 today.  If you were to ask me how old I am right at this moment I'd probably tell you I feel ageless in many ways, neither old nor young.   My kids tell me that physically I'd pass for 10 years younger than my age.  What is my secret?  Good genes help tremendously to be true, good health doesn't hurt, but I'd say at least 75% of it is good attitude.  I feel at peace, happy and content.

I learned a long time ago that many people are offended by that last word, "content".  They claim that anyone who is content has settled into a rut and wants nothing more.  They suggest that the only ones who are content are cows in the pasture and what do they know, they are just a step away from being slaughtered.  A few have even suggested that contentment is equated with boredom, nothing new ever happening, nothing ever going to change (we're back in the rut, you see). 

From the limited wisdom of 52 years let me say this about feeling content: contentment comes when we are striving towards a goal we've set for ourselves; work, rest, and play in good measure; have learned and live the serenity prayer; wake each day excited to see what the day might bring even when the tasks before us are mundane; are willing to forgive others; strive every day to change and grow and gain wisdom.  Contentment, in short, comes with living well.

If that sounds smug and all wise and rose colored glasses, then I do apologize.  I do not mean to give an overall picture of absolute and total bliss.  There are days that are very hard.  Days when I am challenged to remember that serenity prayer and triply challenged to wrangle myself into submitting to it.  Days when I wake up and want nothing more than to roll right back over and blot it all out.  Days when I am bored beyond tears.  Days when I'm so overtired from work and lack of rest and play that I can barely gather the energy to yawn.  Days when I bang up against a mountain I've been marching around and around like Moses in the wilderness.  Days when I have murder in my heart and dreams and loving words are likely to begin to gasp for breath for want of air.

Some days I lose sight of contentment.  Yet it hasn't gone anywhere at all, I just need to wait for the fog to lift to realize that it's still there.

I celebrate a variety of New Years: the annual Roman calendar New Year; my birthday; my wedding anniversary; Yom Kippur, the Jewish New Year.    All these New Years  remind me to focus, just in case I haven't been lately, to check my path, to take my contentment temperature and determine if I'm where I want to be and where I might stand improvement in my life.  Today's temperature read well. I've been working hard the past six months to make my days count for something.  Since the Roman calendar New Year I've stayed abreast of my resolutions in most areas (one or two need a bit of wrestling...).  I've been working harder at giving my writing work the attention it deserves once more.  I'm more committed than ever before to proving my theory that one can live frugally and well.  I'm healthy and have only very minor ailments.  No great drama or stress to deal with of late.  This new phase of empty nesting is beginning to wear rather well.  My children are doing well.  I've played and worked and rested in good measure.  Contentment shines like the sun pouring into the windows of my living room at present.

It seems an auspicous way to begin another New Year doesn't it?  Happy New Year to Me!