My mind has been going in ninety different directions of late. Some goal centered, some one day sort of dreams and some just plain whole new existence sort of thoughts. Not that I have am expressing boredom with my life of late, not at all.
I thought with Kate gone from home, I'd find myself doddling about half bored...Not true! I'm busier than ever and honestly have a hard time, a VERY hard time, determining what I shall do next as opposed to "Oh what shall I do?". This is fun. Do I miss my girl? I miss her, I sure do. I miss all the kids to be honest, as all of them lead full and busy lives of their own, but I've discovered my mother's heart and mind is never turned too far from them.
This winter was very beneficial in many ways, if only to point up the sheer volume of creative expression that was apparently waiting just below the surface for the right time and place to allow it to bloom. So much creative expression that I often forget about writing, which is really where I do want to focus a portion of my time and attention.
And I'm coming into my own once more. One of my goals this year was to be more spontaneous, more adventuresome. I seem to be doing that just fine thank you. Who knew? In fact, I've a field trip planned for the coming week when I shall do one of my mall runs. I'm going to go to the city for this mall run and do nothing but window shop, people watch and jot down notes, take pictures and sketch out creative ideas that occur. I expect my home and person as well as my wardrobe and writing to be inspired still further by this trip. I haven't done this in a couple of years time and it's passed time to do it once more.
Two incidents this past week really pointed up to me how independent I am becoming. I was telling Kate about an idea I'd had to decorate my bedroom. Mind you now this design inspiration is born as much out of financial lack as it is of desire to have new. Kate let it be known that she thoroughly loathed the idea. Later as I was making my bed, I thought with regret of my idea and suddenly it hit me: I was letting an 18 year old girl who'd just strung fairy lights in her house dictate my style? Whoa, back up, let's go back to the design inspiration.
The second thing was a dream of a very dominant person in my life, someone who has had a center amount of control over me for too many years. In the dream I was dismayed to find my home cluttered with things. I saw the person and said, "This is yours, why don't you take home with you?" and each time she would refuse. I finally got fed up and said "I don't want your junk in my life anymore. Take it with you or I'll toss it out!" So I began picking up items and if she refused them, I threw them with all my force onto the ground where they shattered. I woke up chuckling! How powerful I felt, how free. It was most definitely a dream of value to me and has made me very aware that I am no longer the person I once was.
Those thoughts aside here's where my mind's been of late:
Blogging. I'm about to wind up with my second series of the year on PennyAnnPoundwise...No clue where I'm going next. I'd thought to revive one or two features but one of those ideas is just not inspiring me at the moment. Perhaps the series was truly finished the first time through. The other I think is something I really need to do, as much for my own sake as for others and this time I shall try to be far more accurate with it: A Year of Savings.
Why the return interest in that series? Because I need to see if the savings I generate is truly netting us the same as if I worked outside the home... I think it is, but in this day of rising costs and nonexistent raises I need the reminder and I think it would be beneficial to another whole generation of bloggers who are now coming to my audience. I don't know just how I'll approach it this time. I don't want to focus on nothing but A Year of Savings and forgo other posts...lots of thinking to do there.
Stockpiling. I've begun a second pantry where I hope to stock up still further. This while cutting down on my grocery expenses mind you. Well the two do go hand in hand. My desire is to have 6-12 months of non-perishable food items on hand, plus household needs (toiletry, personal care, cleaning, pets). Why? I don't know, it's just something I feel strongly will benefit us over time. Then we'll have stock to rotate when items do go on sale and to carry us whne they are not on sale. It's a sort of bottom line pantry really where I purchase at the lowest possible price.
To Do list. In our home there are myriad little jobs that really need to be done that we have shamefully put off far too long. Like a new pump house roof and repairing the ice maker on my new fridge and refacing our windows and moving some bedding plants that have grown out of bounds. Just little things that are good stewardship overall and not expensive but just complicated and tough enough that we've put them off. We'll either fix them ourselves or hire the jobs out as a bulk repair to bring things up to snuff once more.
There's also yard work that I've been trying to get done for years now. Trouble is I can't do it on my own as it's all proven to be just too much for me alone. Chance truly doesn't have time to help even if he were interested, which he isn't. However, he's given me leave to hire our son to come once a week and do some heavy yardwork tasks as well as permission to spend a very little bit of money on materials (not much by any means but I'll take what I can beg). I think I can make the place look landscaped on a dime anyway, what with good perennials passed along from others, a handful of seeds and a purchased plant or two. The bulk of my money spent will go into mulch, bordering material and labor.
Retreat. The nature of my husband's job is such that it is truly necessary that he get away. His boss knows this and insists that he takes time off next month. I've been very careful this year to set aside a bit of money whenever we had extra and have now paid all but $23 for the first retreat we'll go on this year. It's all planned and I'm excited about it. I think he is, too. I plan a second such retreat later in the year and will be starting that fund as soon as I've got the last of bit of this first trip socked away.
Adventure. There's a possibility that I'll be going out to California late this year when my son and his wife have their baby. I told Chance it will be an adventure but I don't consider it vacation and he needn't either. There'll be a two year old and possibly twins to keep me occupied as well as a post surgery mama, two dogs, a house to clean and mouths to feed. Definitely not a vacation! I'm not counting chickens yet, though. I know too well that many things can change plans set that far in advance but I am mentally preparing myself for the challenge should it prove do-able.
Finances. I shouldn't have postponed this but I did: figuring our budget for the second quarter of this year. I'm glad I did on the one hand (who knew gas prices were going to rocket?) and sorry on the other (there's a hard road ahead if things go as they say and I wish I were better prepared). The bottom line is this: to do all I hope to do this year, and just plain live, will take some fancy financial footwork. I refuse to give up eating (one scenario) having grown rather fond of meals at regular times, but know that the grocery budget is always the number one place to start trimming if you really want to balance a budget. For the first time in years I can say honestly that I'm not just sure how I shall manage if things go along as they claim they will but I'm determined to do it all the same. Things have been heaps worse and we stayed afloat and will now as well. In the meantime, I'm renewing my acquaintance with all things FRUGAL and Thrifty.
Home Interior. Clutter...It seemed cozy all winter long mind you, but now it seems cluttered and so I shall be toning down colors, removing knickknacks, unfeathering my nest so to speak and at the same time striving for a cool, calm, personal space. Thankfully I have some materials on hand for slipcovers, can easily acquire more as it's inexpensive as well and for the most part the look depends not upon purchases but cleaning and clearing and putting away for now, then bringing back just a few pieces here and there. More labor than money required.
In other areas all that is needed is a bit of paint, a pair of twin sheets in white (for window covering) and a potted plant or two.
So those are the paths my thoughts have taken of late, a sort of loose set of goals meant to be accomplished over the next few months time.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Faith Stretch
We had disappointing news today about an outcome we'd hoped for...the sort of thing that you try not to get your hopes up about, but do anyway and then find yourself swallowing back a big lump in your throat when you realize it isn't going to happen. I can't reveal more, but suffice it to say that it wasn't a life crisis and we'll get over it but yes, it was most definitely a disappointment of some proportion.
We've talked a lot off and on about it, each expressing how disappointed we are, but careful too, to acknowledge the many blessings we've received in the past week alone, as well as the answered prayers we've seen manifested in our lives over the last few months.
Honestly we don't believe God let us down. We don't know the reason behind what happened but we believe it will come right in the end. We both acknowledged the answered prayers, the blessings we've received and that was important for many reasons. It reminded us that our God is faithful. It reminded us in whom we trust. We are more aware than ever that He is our source for all things. But there can be no doubt that for a moment today our faith was stretched and stretched as we absorbed the news. It was a time to choose in whom we'd believe. We decided it was to be God our Father.
We've talked a lot off and on about it, each expressing how disappointed we are, but careful too, to acknowledge the many blessings we've received in the past week alone, as well as the answered prayers we've seen manifested in our lives over the last few months.
Honestly we don't believe God let us down. We don't know the reason behind what happened but we believe it will come right in the end. We both acknowledged the answered prayers, the blessings we've received and that was important for many reasons. It reminded us that our God is faithful. It reminded us in whom we trust. We are more aware than ever that He is our source for all things. But there can be no doubt that for a moment today our faith was stretched and stretched as we absorbed the news. It was a time to choose in whom we'd believe. We decided it was to be God our Father.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A New Season
Gosh, I can't believe I've not written here since my birthday...I thought I'd better check in as the 'real me' once more, just so I don't lose myself in the PennyAnn identity.
So where am I? I have experienced a great deal of peace after my tangled feelings this past year as God subtracted things from my life. I think it's called 'acceptance'...but it's more than that really. It's an acknowledgement that while He has seen fit to subtract a lot from my life, he's also narrowed my focus. PennyAnn Poundwise isn't just a blog. It's part of my mission. My purpose in writing that blog is to teach others what I've learned over the years, what I'm learning still: how to live frugally and well. How to make the most of what is at hand and make it as beautiful as it can be made.
I see Granny every few weeks. She always knows me but begins to struggle for simple words about 20 minutes into a visit, and by the time I've been with her half an hour she often is delusional and rambling or she gives up in frustration and is mute. The Assisted Living Center is a safe area for her now. She likes the routine and the surety of that routine.
Katie has pretty much cut the apron strings. She is dealing with issues of her own at present and it's been hard for me to not want to fix and repair for her. I'm learning to let go of her, too, to strike that balance of loving her and letting her know I trust her to figure out her own life. I am struggling with the part where I pray and believe in God's best for her life.
I'd been in prayer this past year for pictures of my North Dakota grandchildren. At best we've had some fuzzy cellphone shots which were too unclear to really see the kids. Recently Amie posted some good shots of the children and I printed them off. Oh how they have grown!
John and I are now quite comfortable with each other. We're enjoying this stage of newly found freedom in our lives. Since we started our marriage with a house full of children, it's really been a bit of a stretch to figure out who we are without children who require full hands on active parenting. We still have to remind ourselves now and then when we're about to deny ourselves a dinner out or later than usual evening that we can do as we please, there's no one waiting on us to come home.
As well, I've been busy visiting antiques shops and thrift stores with a friend. We've planned a number of day trips over the next few weeks, until summer heats up too much to be comfortable. I so enjoy these excursions both for the company as well as for the opportunity to handle history. I am reminded each time we go into an antique store of how much I love personal histories.
I've got a bazillion ideas of things I'd like to do in my yard, in my home, on my blog. The craft room isn't getting as much of a work out as I'd planned but I've enjoyed the time I've allowed myself. I need to be more consistent with that. I know it's important to feed the creative side of myself but too often get caught up in the all work/no play trap. I have to remind myself more often that play is just as important as sitting quietly, journaling and hard work. Each has their own satisfaction and place in a creative life.
I feel better overall than I've felt in years. I am beginning to feel I can actually do more. I credit the right combination of vitamins and minerals as well as the effects of eating more homemade foods and less additives and preservatives.
So where am I headed?
I have grand plans for my yard. It's going to be a lot of hard work, require some time and financial sacrifices. I just have to remember that as with all things I have to accomplish a little at a time, not all of it at once. I think Granny was just about my age when she was widowed and she began to make her yards truly beautiful. I'm getting some satisfaction this Spring from work I did last Spring. Iris are blooming under the Faith tree, purple and white. I haven't seen the purple or white iris bloom in years so to find that I'd moved some of each under this tree and that they have done well despite Maddie spending the entire past year lying upon them, lol, is nice. I also had my first little bunch of daffodils bloom in that same small area.
I want to do both flower and vegetable gardening as well as landscaping. I think this year I shall concentrate on trying to work on two areas of flower bed. I'd also like to get some tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers planted. These are all fairly easily grown plants for container gardening and though we've just loads of land here, I've no way at present to cultivate it.
I have focused more on journaling almost daily. It's a wonderful way to let my mind run free, sort out problems, focus my attentions for the day. I'm really glad that I renewed my committment to this tool.
I'm happy with PennyAnn blog at the moment, but there are lots of features I'd like to bring back to it. I do get caught up in the day to day household things here. I allow myself to be distracted by John and so I've got to work on that. I'm always shocked to see that the week has passed and I've made only two posts when the opportunity was there to make four or five, or seven posts. This is something I want to be more mindful of.
So gardening, crafting, journaling, housework, blogging, marriage, church, family, friends...Balance will be very important, as will rest, but I feel capable of doing it all right now and that is a great place to be in my life.
It definitely is feeling like a new season.
So where am I? I have experienced a great deal of peace after my tangled feelings this past year as God subtracted things from my life. I think it's called 'acceptance'...but it's more than that really. It's an acknowledgement that while He has seen fit to subtract a lot from my life, he's also narrowed my focus. PennyAnn Poundwise isn't just a blog. It's part of my mission. My purpose in writing that blog is to teach others what I've learned over the years, what I'm learning still: how to live frugally and well. How to make the most of what is at hand and make it as beautiful as it can be made.
I see Granny every few weeks. She always knows me but begins to struggle for simple words about 20 minutes into a visit, and by the time I've been with her half an hour she often is delusional and rambling or she gives up in frustration and is mute. The Assisted Living Center is a safe area for her now. She likes the routine and the surety of that routine.
Katie has pretty much cut the apron strings. She is dealing with issues of her own at present and it's been hard for me to not want to fix and repair for her. I'm learning to let go of her, too, to strike that balance of loving her and letting her know I trust her to figure out her own life. I am struggling with the part where I pray and believe in God's best for her life.
I'd been in prayer this past year for pictures of my North Dakota grandchildren. At best we've had some fuzzy cellphone shots which were too unclear to really see the kids. Recently Amie posted some good shots of the children and I printed them off. Oh how they have grown!
John and I are now quite comfortable with each other. We're enjoying this stage of newly found freedom in our lives. Since we started our marriage with a house full of children, it's really been a bit of a stretch to figure out who we are without children who require full hands on active parenting. We still have to remind ourselves now and then when we're about to deny ourselves a dinner out or later than usual evening that we can do as we please, there's no one waiting on us to come home.
As well, I've been busy visiting antiques shops and thrift stores with a friend. We've planned a number of day trips over the next few weeks, until summer heats up too much to be comfortable. I so enjoy these excursions both for the company as well as for the opportunity to handle history. I am reminded each time we go into an antique store of how much I love personal histories.
I've got a bazillion ideas of things I'd like to do in my yard, in my home, on my blog. The craft room isn't getting as much of a work out as I'd planned but I've enjoyed the time I've allowed myself. I need to be more consistent with that. I know it's important to feed the creative side of myself but too often get caught up in the all work/no play trap. I have to remind myself more often that play is just as important as sitting quietly, journaling and hard work. Each has their own satisfaction and place in a creative life.
I feel better overall than I've felt in years. I am beginning to feel I can actually do more. I credit the right combination of vitamins and minerals as well as the effects of eating more homemade foods and less additives and preservatives.
So where am I headed?
I have grand plans for my yard. It's going to be a lot of hard work, require some time and financial sacrifices. I just have to remember that as with all things I have to accomplish a little at a time, not all of it at once. I think Granny was just about my age when she was widowed and she began to make her yards truly beautiful. I'm getting some satisfaction this Spring from work I did last Spring. Iris are blooming under the Faith tree, purple and white. I haven't seen the purple or white iris bloom in years so to find that I'd moved some of each under this tree and that they have done well despite Maddie spending the entire past year lying upon them, lol, is nice. I also had my first little bunch of daffodils bloom in that same small area.
I want to do both flower and vegetable gardening as well as landscaping. I think this year I shall concentrate on trying to work on two areas of flower bed. I'd also like to get some tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers planted. These are all fairly easily grown plants for container gardening and though we've just loads of land here, I've no way at present to cultivate it.
I have focused more on journaling almost daily. It's a wonderful way to let my mind run free, sort out problems, focus my attentions for the day. I'm really glad that I renewed my committment to this tool.
I'm happy with PennyAnn blog at the moment, but there are lots of features I'd like to bring back to it. I do get caught up in the day to day household things here. I allow myself to be distracted by John and so I've got to work on that. I'm always shocked to see that the week has passed and I've made only two posts when the opportunity was there to make four or five, or seven posts. This is something I want to be more mindful of.
So gardening, crafting, journaling, housework, blogging, marriage, church, family, friends...Balance will be very important, as will rest, but I feel capable of doing it all right now and that is a great place to be in my life.
It definitely is feeling like a new season.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
An Excused Absence
When my children were in school it was necessary whenever they were out to send a written note with them explaining why they weren't in school. This went on their record as an 'excused absence'. If I failed to send a note it was unexcused and they couldn't make up the work they'd missed. So no grades for those days when they'd missed school, which hurt if they were not doing particularly well in that class.
This past week I began reading a Grace Livingston Hill book, Katharine's Yesterday. The second story in that book is titled, "An Excuse for Christ" and deals with a new young pastor who has lost heart for his Wednesday night prayer meetings due to the low attendance. Only three or four faithful old parishioner's show up. Listening to his sister-in-law tell his wife how their Christian Endeavor group required 'excused absences' to remain a member, the pastor has the idea of trying something similar.
The following Sunday he announces that anyone who doesn't attend the Wednesday night prayer meeting needs a written excuse stating why they couldn't come. The church was very nearly full come the following Wednesday night because no one could think of a good excuse for not being there!
I was reminded of all this last Saturday when our Rabbi stated that our youngest member had called to state that he'd be unable to come due to a bad head cold...We appreciate this young man very much but he had no particular duty to perform last weekend other than to fill his spot of the pew. I think it's admirable that he feels he must give a reason for his not being there and he always does. I can't say that it's a habit of mine! I'm far more inclined to just assume my reason for missing out on service is my own.
What if we made a habit of giving an excuse each time we needed to be out during our Sabbath day services? What if we were graded only for those days when we had an excused absence? What if we received a 'Zero' for every day we missed that wasn't excused? What excuse do you think Christ would see as a valid reason for not being there?
Oh these are the questions I've struggled with over and over this week as I've thought of this young man's example. I am sure there are valid excuses. Gracious, we don't want to spread germs if we are ill. And certainly there are days when we might be called away by family duties of importance, or work (not everyone is able to skip the Sabbath day as a work day). I believe there are even times when we just need to be alone with God at home and dwell with him without the distraction of family or order of service. I think most pastors could understand that, but it certainly imparts a need to keep our word and actively seek out God doesn't it?
But what about those lame excuses we give ourselves (and don't dare mention to anyone else!) of wanting to sleep in, wanting to 'have fun for a change', etc.?
What if we stopped and asked God if our absence might be excused first? Wouldn't that be a radical thing to do? To ask God where He might want us to be?
I think this young man has given me a great deal to think about in the future when I think I don't need to be present in my congregation's service.
What about you? Will your absence be excused?
This past week I began reading a Grace Livingston Hill book, Katharine's Yesterday. The second story in that book is titled, "An Excuse for Christ" and deals with a new young pastor who has lost heart for his Wednesday night prayer meetings due to the low attendance. Only three or four faithful old parishioner's show up. Listening to his sister-in-law tell his wife how their Christian Endeavor group required 'excused absences' to remain a member, the pastor has the idea of trying something similar.
The following Sunday he announces that anyone who doesn't attend the Wednesday night prayer meeting needs a written excuse stating why they couldn't come. The church was very nearly full come the following Wednesday night because no one could think of a good excuse for not being there!
I was reminded of all this last Saturday when our Rabbi stated that our youngest member had called to state that he'd be unable to come due to a bad head cold...We appreciate this young man very much but he had no particular duty to perform last weekend other than to fill his spot of the pew. I think it's admirable that he feels he must give a reason for his not being there and he always does. I can't say that it's a habit of mine! I'm far more inclined to just assume my reason for missing out on service is my own.
What if we made a habit of giving an excuse each time we needed to be out during our Sabbath day services? What if we were graded only for those days when we had an excused absence? What if we received a 'Zero' for every day we missed that wasn't excused? What excuse do you think Christ would see as a valid reason for not being there?
Oh these are the questions I've struggled with over and over this week as I've thought of this young man's example. I am sure there are valid excuses. Gracious, we don't want to spread germs if we are ill. And certainly there are days when we might be called away by family duties of importance, or work (not everyone is able to skip the Sabbath day as a work day). I believe there are even times when we just need to be alone with God at home and dwell with him without the distraction of family or order of service. I think most pastors could understand that, but it certainly imparts a need to keep our word and actively seek out God doesn't it?
But what about those lame excuses we give ourselves (and don't dare mention to anyone else!) of wanting to sleep in, wanting to 'have fun for a change', etc.?
What if we stopped and asked God if our absence might be excused first? Wouldn't that be a radical thing to do? To ask God where He might want us to be?
I think this young man has given me a great deal to think about in the future when I think I don't need to be present in my congregation's service.
What about you? Will your absence be excused?
Happy Personal New Year to Me...
I am 52 today. If you were to ask me how old I am right at this moment I'd probably tell you I feel ageless in many ways, neither old nor young. My kids tell me that physically I'd pass for 10 years younger than my age. What is my secret? Good genes help tremendously to be true, good health doesn't hurt, but I'd say at least 75% of it is good attitude. I feel at peace, happy and content.
I learned a long time ago that many people are offended by that last word, "content". They claim that anyone who is content has settled into a rut and wants nothing more. They suggest that the only ones who are content are cows in the pasture and what do they know, they are just a step away from being slaughtered. A few have even suggested that contentment is equated with boredom, nothing new ever happening, nothing ever going to change (we're back in the rut, you see).
From the limited wisdom of 52 years let me say this about feeling content: contentment comes when we are striving towards a goal we've set for ourselves; work, rest, and play in good measure; have learned and live the serenity prayer; wake each day excited to see what the day might bring even when the tasks before us are mundane; are willing to forgive others; strive every day to change and grow and gain wisdom. Contentment, in short, comes with living well.
If that sounds smug and all wise and rose colored glasses, then I do apologize. I do not mean to give an overall picture of absolute and total bliss. There are days that are very hard. Days when I am challenged to remember that serenity prayer and triply challenged to wrangle myself into submitting to it. Days when I wake up and want nothing more than to roll right back over and blot it all out. Days when I am bored beyond tears. Days when I'm so overtired from work and lack of rest and play that I can barely gather the energy to yawn. Days when I bang up against a mountain I've been marching around and around like Moses in the wilderness. Days when I have murder in my heart and dreams and loving words are likely to begin to gasp for breath for want of air.
Some days I lose sight of contentment. Yet it hasn't gone anywhere at all, I just need to wait for the fog to lift to realize that it's still there.
I celebrate a variety of New Years: the annual Roman calendar New Year; my birthday; my wedding anniversary; Yom Kippur, the Jewish New Year. All these New Years remind me to focus, just in case I haven't been lately, to check my path, to take my contentment temperature and determine if I'm where I want to be and where I might stand improvement in my life. Today's temperature read well. I've been working hard the past six months to make my days count for something. Since the Roman calendar New Year I've stayed abreast of my resolutions in most areas (one or two need a bit of wrestling...). I've been working harder at giving my writing work the attention it deserves once more. I'm more committed than ever before to proving my theory that one can live frugally and well. I'm healthy and have only very minor ailments. No great drama or stress to deal with of late. This new phase of empty nesting is beginning to wear rather well. My children are doing well. I've played and worked and rested in good measure. Contentment shines like the sun pouring into the windows of my living room at present.
It seems an auspicous way to begin another New Year doesn't it? Happy New Year to Me!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Hungering for Him
A fellow worshipper and I were talking during dinner. I was telling him about how I came to finally surrender my life to Christ. "I couldn't get enough at first. I read my Bible, I tuned into ministry programs on television and at night when that programming wasn't available, I found a radio station and I listened to sermon after sermon. At work, co-workers and I spoke of scripture we'd read that morning or sermons we'd heard the previous night and we asked one another hard questions. I spent time in chapel during my work breaks..." I described truly, a person who had been starving for something more in life and finding it, had been unable to get enough. They were sweet days.
I wish I could say that is always the case still, but truthfully there are many days when I let my life get in front of my heart needs. I skip Bible study in favor of picking up the house. I skip the televised ministry program I enjoy to run errands. At night, instead of choosing the inspirational book I'd been reading, I lose myself in a computer game.
What happens after awhile is predictable. I 'forget' more and more often to turn to the Word and instead, I turn to the distractions. I grow restless, become irritable and feel dissastisfied with life overall. Nothing seems to soothe me. The more I forget, the worse I become. I become whiny. I want something but no thing I bring into my life helps. And then one day it occurs to me that I'm hungry, I'm thirsting, I'm needing to spend time with God, needing to dwell in His Word.
Recently my husband combined two hymns in an absolutely beautiful mix for service, "Hungry" and "As A Deer". I felt it was so stunning a compilation when he played it for me. The songs just spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. I could so envision that hunger and thirst for God and I remembered the days before my salvation when I too hungered and thirsted but I didn't know what it was I needed.
What a beautiful reminder to me of that need to feast at God's table, to drink long and deeply from his presence...
Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry...
As a deer panteth after the water
So my soul longeth after Thee...
I wish I could say that is always the case still, but truthfully there are many days when I let my life get in front of my heart needs. I skip Bible study in favor of picking up the house. I skip the televised ministry program I enjoy to run errands. At night, instead of choosing the inspirational book I'd been reading, I lose myself in a computer game.
What happens after awhile is predictable. I 'forget' more and more often to turn to the Word and instead, I turn to the distractions. I grow restless, become irritable and feel dissastisfied with life overall. Nothing seems to soothe me. The more I forget, the worse I become. I become whiny. I want something but no thing I bring into my life helps. And then one day it occurs to me that I'm hungry, I'm thirsting, I'm needing to spend time with God, needing to dwell in His Word.
Recently my husband combined two hymns in an absolutely beautiful mix for service, "Hungry" and "As A Deer". I felt it was so stunning a compilation when he played it for me. The songs just spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. I could so envision that hunger and thirst for God and I remembered the days before my salvation when I too hungered and thirsted but I didn't know what it was I needed.
What a beautiful reminder to me of that need to feast at God's table, to drink long and deeply from his presence...
Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry...
As a deer panteth after the water
So my soul longeth after Thee...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
You Never Cry Like A Lover Should...
If you are/were a fan of the band The Eagles you might well recognize that title. I fell in love with that song in my teens and it stuck with me though I had little knowledge of what the song truly meant then. Now, as a grown woman who has been married twice, the impact of the song is even harder. Experience brought meaning.
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love, causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared with ArmyChapsWife earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loved me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.
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